I have had too much coffee.
The sun is shining and I’m in a manic/premenstrual sort of euphoria
bordering on complete and total crazy.
As long as the environmental factors support peace, and I have been
doing the best I can to control those factors (choosing happy music, focusing
on positive thoughts, moving my body, etc), then this is wonderful and
magical. It is a bit volatile, though,
and especially sensitive to disturbances.
Conflict, rain, TOM INTERRUPTING ME, etc…those things can throw me off
balance and way off in the opposite direction.
Look, I’m not saying that I am completely fine. I recognize that I’m not, and I even recognize that maybe I would benefit from some outside intervention. The thing is, though, depending on the way that information is presented to me, I may just dig my heels in stubbornly and refuse. It’s not that I think I don’t need it. It’s that, when someone looks down their nose at me from their pedestal of superiority, judging me, criticizing me, asking me if I know where my Risperdal is or condescendingly questioning when I plan to make an appointment now that I have insurance, I feel very resentful. You know the saying that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, well I would be much more receptive to suggestions if they were presented to me compassionately and with love, rather than judgement.
One thing that I am noticing of particular importance, which
I think holds the key to a lot of things we humans struggle with, is that my
outside experience changes drastically in proportion to my inside
experience. This doesn’t mean that I am
making things up, imagining them, or that they are all in my head. What this DOES mean is that, say, the
complete picture has a thousand pieces and I can only see 100 at a time. If I am happy, and feeling balanced and
nourished in all ways, the 100 pieces I choose to see are all of the good
things – the way Joth is helping Tristan with CBT so he can deal with his
emotions better, the way he hugged me when I burst into tears while watching
the X files because Scully was having feelings about her adoption which struck
a chord in me (especially since Sienna’s birthday is in like 2 weeks), his
wonderful voice and his beautiful smile, his eyes and his tenderness. When those are all the things I see, I think
I am lucky, and we are blessed.
When my insides are all scrambled up and angsty, I see 100
different pieces. I see the criticisms
masked as jokes, so I can’t be upset but he still gets to cut me down. I see the way my words are twisted to mean
something I never meant, the way our history is rewritten to cast me as the
demon, the way he minimizes his role in the conflict. And yes, it reminds me of people who have
hurt me badly. I see the way he told me,
emotionless, to stop crying because he was trying to drive and I remember
Andrew telling me to stop crying so he could sleep. And when I am already low, these memories cut
me to the core.
I think maybe I do suffer from black and white thinking, and
in fact I asked him this morning how things went from perfect to awful in less
than a week. It’s not because they
changed. It’s that the total picture in
its entirety is both beautiful and terrible, but our perception determines our
experience. I can’t deny that hormones
do assist in the shifting of internal balance, and that things are seen in a
different light. It isn’t that I’m
seeing things that aren’t there, though.
I’m just seeing the worst and forgetting the best. And I know my hormones are WAAAAAAY out of
whack.
I just signed up for insurance through the marketplace, I
got the Holistic Silver because it covers massage and acupuncture, plus generic
prescriptions are only $5 and 2 doctor visits per year are completely
free. Plus, I got a dental add-on so I
can finish getting my teeth fixed. I
figured, since my period was “late” every month, that I actually just have a
long cycle. I calculated it out to 35
days, which means that my period would have been due this past Saturday. It’s still even past THAT, though, which is
not normal. I do believe I’m getting it,
but everything I have read has suggested that if it is longer than 35 days that
it is a hormonal issue, possibly cysts, PCOS, whatever. I was talking to my mom about it and she said
she has a lot of ovarian cysts and used to only get 2-3 periods per year. Obviously she’s fine so it isn’t necessarily
cause for concern, but if my hormones were regulated, maybe my moods would
improve.
We adopted a snake!
Her name was Carlett, but we renamed her to Mayari. It’s the Filipino goddess of the moon, as
Artemis (our cat) is the Greek goddess of the moon. I really like her, we’re going to get her
some stuff tomorrow when I get paid so she can feel comfortable. I finally started dropping that weird 20
pounds that I gained for no reason.
Okay, maybe it wasn’t no reason.
And maybe the cleanse and yoga are finally catching up to me. Anyway, I’m down to about 133 from 145, so
that’s really excellent. I haven’t had
time to make smoothies for the past few mornings, so I’ve been eating a lot of
cereal at work. I notice that my stomach
is really growly (not hungry growly) and I have a lot of gas, so it may be that
I am sensitive to dairy. Well, I guess I
should go for now, I might update later but I might not. Ciao!
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