He asks me how I feel, just so he can get offended by my
answer and can then be justified in attacking me. Knowing this, I choose instead to keep silent
– thinking I outsmarted this dirty maneuver.
However now, even when silent, I have actually been snapped at with that
seething, hateful voice, eyes of cold steel staring me down, actually storming
out of the room because I was THINKING THOUGHTS AT HIM. I’m not even making this up. Nothing is safe. If I don’t give him something to be upset
about, he’ll invent something. As in
that case – the thoughts he believes I am thinking at him. This is so insane, I can’t even.
Or last night, I’m not sure what happened but I noticed his
little nervousness creep in. His
movements become more erratic, an almost frantic look comes into his eyes, he
acts cagey. Like a nervous
squirrel. I only look out for these
things so I can modify my approach accordingly – I don’t actually say, “I
notice that you’re acting twitchy right now.
I just thought you should know.”
I mean, really, that serves no purpose other than to make him feel bad,
and why would I want to do that? So, I
asked him if he wanted to watch a movie.
I was, at this point, still completely 100% myself. We got into the bedroom and he surprised me
by asking, “Are you okay?” It threw me
off guard. I was just wondering that
about HIM – but I was, still, totally okay.
I chose that moment to let him know that it seemed like
something was wrong with him. I thought
maybe he was imagining that he saw something in me because he himself felt out
of balance. It happens, there was no
judgement. We talked for a minute and
then he said in kind of a rude tone, “Can I at LEAST get a HUG?” He said it in a way that indicated that I
should have known he needed a hug, I owed him a hug, and I was failing at
delivering on what he was entitled to.
Or that I should have psychically just known he needed a hug, and
failing in that, he was irritated at having to actually ASK.
That’s when I made the mistake of becoming engaged. I repeated back what he had said, in the way
he had said it, incredulous. He tried to
reframe it and act like he had worded it differently and used a different
tone. Then he moved away from me and sat
in the chair, saying nothing. I also
said nothing, because I knew that anything I said could and would be used
against me. Finally, I decided to leave
the room. I went out to the couch, took
a nap, and woke up. I noticed that while
I had been sleeping, he had texted me letting me know that he was taking a
shower.
I texted him asking what time he was thinking about making
dinner – he had specifically said on the way home that he wanted to make
chicken nachos. He had even stopped and
picked up the tortilla chips for that purpose, so I wasn’t making assumptions
that he was going to cook. He had
literally said that. I planned on
helping, of course – I just wanted to know what time. Well, then he got all rude with me, it was
bizarre and disorienting. “I didn’t
realize I had been volunteered for this”.
Uh, WHAT? Then he said, “Dark
Christine is back.”
Excuse the fuck out of me.
There was no darkness, I had left the room in order to calm down – and,
might I add, he had done the EXACT SAME THING the night before. Then, I had the audacity to ask what time he
wanted to make dinner. Yup, I’m a real
evil queen, huh? So of course I got
pissed off about that, who wouldn’t? That’s
when I accepted the poison.
UGHHHHHHHHH. I so regret
that. I should KNOW to stay
detached. I should be stronger, wiser,
more restrained. In accusing me of being
something that I was not, he effectively created that state in me. It isn’t his fault, though. I can’t blame him for my emotions, even
though he definitely intended to stir those emotions up in me so that he could
play the victim and feign shock and horror at my emotional instability. It was my fault. I sunk to his level. I read something that said if you wrestle
with pigs, you’ll always get dirty – and besides, they like it. I am done wrestling with pigs.
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