FOR me, not TO me...

2-17-16

Oh my goddess, it’s like good morning, welcome to HELL.  Seriously, I’m so frustrated I just want to give up.  I’m trying to be positive and appreciate the lessons and opportunities available in this hard time, but there’s a little voice screaming that it just isn’t FAIR and I QUIT.  At first, it made me want to give up on Tristan.  Just dismiss him like some defective child who will never function properly.  I know that makes me sound like an awful mom, but I’m not going to sugarcoat anything or make this sound better than it is.  I am fallible, I make mistakes, and I can’t always maintain the proper perspective. 

But in that moment, when I found myself thinking that – seething with anger, offended by the huge sense of INJUSTICE that after everything I’VE done, this child still fails to do what millions of other kids with worse parents somehow manage to do every single day.  And then I realized, first of all, it isn’t about me.  He isn’t some science experiment that I created that doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to, he is a person, he is an individual, and I can’t control him.  What am I doing, feeling the impulse to reject him if he fails to live up to my expectations?  What kind of mother would I be?  I am supposed to love him, no matter what.  To be there for him and support him in good times and in difficult times.  I may not be able to fix it for him, he may not be able to fix it himself, but my love for him isn’t contingent on that.  We’re going to fight this fight together, and we may win or we may lose, but I’m not walking off this battlefield.  He needs to know that.

As far as what happened, well his behavior has definitely taken a downturn.  Here I was, proud and bragging about his miraculous turnaround.  Now I feel like I was duped.  I feel hopeless, like he can make no lasting positive changes.  Every week now, we’re getting a call from the school.  It’s getting old and I can’t figure out what else we can do.  I threatened military school, threatened to take away soccer.  The thing is, he isn’t actually old enough for military school and he said he doesn’t care about soccer.  It would be really good for him, though, and he enjoys it so I don’t want to take it away.  Aikido starts in 2 weeks.  Joth is working with him with CBT, his school is working with him and giving him extra breaks.  The bottom line is, none of us can do it FOR him.  And if he doesn’t want to, how can we make him? 

To add insult to injury, his insurance is a tangled mess, too.  The guardianship with Blair and Rachel was terminated LAST APRIL.  I gave her all the documentation she needed to take him off her insurance and she never did, so when I got him Medicaid, it was added as a secondary insurance since they saw he was on theirs.  I couldn’t remove him from theirs, so they had to keep billing Blair and Rachel’s first.  Well, 2 weeks ago when I went to get his meds, Medicaid wouldn’t cover any of it because his primary insurance was finally cancelled.  So, it should be straight Medicaid, but the old one has to be removed.  So, I called Medicaid and they submitted a ticket.  I called back today, the ticket was closed but the code wasn’t removed.  She submitted a complaint and gave me another number to call to have the other insurance removed.  They gave me ANOTHER number.  I was on hold with them when Endeavor (Tristan’s school) called me.  So, we’re supposed to do all this without meds for an indefinite time.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster.  It makes me tired.

I remember reading something, or watching some YouTube video or something, where they said to stop thinking about life as if it is happening TO you and realize that it is happening FOR you.  The universe is not some evil enemy, bursting into maniacal laughter behind the scenes every time we slip on the banana peels it maliciously tossed out for us.  This is a place to learn.  These experiences help us grow.  They are FOR us.  In the end, I have to believe, we will all be better for this experience.  I welcome it, in all its beautiful messy crazy confusing bittersweet complexity.

I was reading this article about nutrition, I think I mentioned it yesterday.  It had some interesting facts and tips for ADD.  First of all, the normal person without ADD has an average iron level of 44.  The average ADD person has 22.  I happen to be anemic, and the last time mine was checked, it was only 12.  I have iron supplements, and I read that something as simple as that can help as much as a stimulant for ADD.  Also, anything that makes the blood sugar spike and then crash is going to cause mood swings and behavior issues.  Fruits and natural sweeteners with lower GI are okay, pop tarts in the morning are not.  He needs protein, zinc, omega 3, and magnesium.  Coincidentally, hemp protein powder provides all of these things, so I’m going to get some to put in some oatmeal spirulina chia cookies that he can eat for breakfast.

2-18-16

Well it’s Thursday now but I’m going to add on and finish up.  I filed my taxes and am expecting a refund of just over 3k.  However, I didn’t file last year so I don’t know if the IRS will make me do that before releasing my refund.  Did I mention we’re going to Machu Picchu???  The deposit is only going to be like $700, then we can break the rest up into monthly payments since it isn’t due til 60 days before the trip.  We haven’t picked an exact wedding date yet, but since we’re not doing a Mardi Gras honeymoon, then closer to Imbolc for our fire festival would be best.  February 4, I think.  My dress is being made, rings are getting ordered either when I get paid next Friday or when I get my tax refund, and the deposit is getting put down on the honeymoon.  Next we need to book the venue and order Joth’s clothes. 

 

It’s all a little dizzying, but Joth has really pulled through with the planning.  He has surprised me with his organizational skills!  Who knew?!!  He even made a little binder with different category pages, budget, contacts, notes…thank goodness for him.  J  We were talking about everything one day and I started getting irritable because I was overwhelmed.  He told me to relax and I thought he wasn’t taking things seriously enough.  But then I looked at my phone at exactly 2:22 and it was 22 degrees.  I looked up Angel Numbers, and it basically means to relax and have a positive attitude.  It’s about cooperation and collaboration.  Since I let go, everything has been falling into place.  Score!

 

Okay I should go.  Oh yeah, I did yoga today, day 4 in a row of waking up and getting it done.  Also I’ve been eating well all week.  Well, minus the sweet bread.  Hey, a girl’s got to live a little!