WOOO HOO DAY 6. I'm feeling pretty hyper today, so there's that. The sun is shining, though, so that helps. Today is the day I GIVE. UP. CAFFEINE.
Yes, I said it. I think I've sufficiently detailed in this blog my love for coffee, so you have an idea of how difficult this seems to me. However, I've been preparing by reducing the matcha each day until yesterday it was just a touch. Today, I am actually feeling great! My energy is good, that is. But I didn't realize how much I depended on caffeine for cognitive functioning until today. My body feels great, and my MOOD is wonderful, but my mind...it's all over the place. I have the attention span of a goldfish. I am thinking about taking some ginseng to see if that helps.
Giving up sugar has been difficult -- not because I miss it, but because it's in E V E R Y T H I N G. I was looking for a snack last night and I thought about a piece of bread -- nope, high fructose corn syrup. Crackers, corn syrup. A spoonful of peanut butter? SUGAR. SUGAR IS EVERYWHERE! Today, I accidentally had sugar.
You see, I put 1 cup of kefir in my smoothie and 1 cup of elderberry tea. The kefir bottle I have been bringing my smoothies to work in says, "Sweetened with stevia". Cool, I can have stevia. I can also have honey or pure maple syrup, in moderation. So anyway, today I made my smoothie and I looked at the kefir bottle and didn't see the thing on that bottle about stevia. So I looked at the ingredients, and....cane sugar. DAMN. I wasn't just going to throw the smoothie out, though, so whatever. At least I have cut my consumption even if a tiny bit of sugar did sneak in.
I do miss the pleasure, the ritual, the taste, the smell, of coffee. I imagine that this is what my mom goes through when she tries to give up diet coke. It isn't just the caffeine, but all of the things that you associate with the caffeine that you miss. She tells me she misses the feeling of opening the can, the sound, the coldness in her hand, the fizz on her tongue. Me, I miss the aroma of coffee wafting up into my nostrils. My hands wrapped around a warm mug. The ritual of sitting and talking while sipping coffee. I can't even have decaf! It's okay, though. I have some roasted dandelion root tea at work that may suffice during this cleanse. Afterwards, I do plan to drink coffee, maybe just not to the extent that I was. I heard about this coffee/matcha/cacao blend! I MUST buy it!!
Hmmmm okay. Oh! Yoga this morning. It was kundalini fusion. I have found that kundalini yoga feels amazing afterwards, but feels ridiculous and silly DURING. It is nothing like Ashtanga or any other yoga in any way. It's way out in left field, and I do feel rather silly. There is really weird breathing fast through your nose (breath of fire), turning your head from side to side to side to side really fast, chanting (which I do love, it adds a mystical/spiritual flair to the practice), and LOOOOOTS of arm holding up. My arms were BURNING. The practice was called, "Cappuccino Kriya" and it was supposed to be naturally energizing...because today we give up caffeine. I may, after the cleanse, opt to do one day a week of kundalini yoga. It does make me feel amazing.
I didn't go to work today. Austin stayed home sick from school, and last night (because today is also my day to give up alcohol) I had a few drinks and stayed up a little too late. We were both feeling not up to it, so Joth took Tristan to school and I have been home catching up on dishes and laundry, and also I mopped the kitchen floor.
Relationship, it's pretty good. I just have to let things be where they are. The tide surges, it recedes. I already know that none of it is permanent, so I'm just riding with it and taking it as it comes. There is no question that I am staying here, so leaving isn't an option. So what do I have to worry about? It's more about accepting and allowing, and loving him exactly who he is in each moment, not trying to force it to be something more comfortable for me. Knowing that trying to coax validation or reassurance from him may result in a temporary response, but if it doesn't happen naturally, it will feel forced to him and he will grow to resent me.
He views certain things as controlling that I don't at all -- I just want him to be happy, and I want to be happy. But in all this desperation for happiness, I may have come off as unaccepting of any behavior or emotion that did not fit into my idealized portrait of happiness. The key, I think, is instead of getting panicked, upset, fearful, or angry at his unhappiness (which only breeds MORE, duh) I should focus on doing things which inspire joy, being supportive of all his feelings, reflecting back the happiness that I want for him, and allowing things to flow in the way that is most healing and sustainable for us. I need to be strong now, and I know that I can. It's a new chapter.
Well, off to drink my water -- today I'm drinking Yogi Detox tea. It's herbal, no caffeine, but it will flavor my water so I can drink it. Ta ta!
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