Hecate

Greetings!  Tomorrow is summer solstice -- the day of my reiki master attunement!  I should be so excited, but I'm battling some physical/psychospiritual weirdness.  

I do think originally that the rejection from Ramiro triggered a depression.  I cried for 3 days about it.  Finally, Wednesday night, I realized I really needed to get my shit together.  I took a nap and slept too late to make it to the book club meeting.  I hadn't even read chapter 4 yet, either.  I came home from dropping the kids off and felt hollow -- my whole body was aching as well.  I think that part was due to the rainy wetness we've been experiencing all week.  I also think that the gloomy rainy weather was compounding the depression.  

I had been begging, pleading, praying to the angels/guides/pixies/gods/ancestors/voices in my head for some relief.  I was desperate.  Finally, I decided to do some reiki on myself with the Sei He Ki emotional healing symbol.  I drew the symbol on my crown, heart, and solar plexus chakras and proceeded with the self treatment.  I noticed when my hands were in other positions, I felt pressure on the areas I drew the symbol.  Afterwards, I felt lighter and happier -- I was actually pretty amazed.  It really worked!  It definitely seemed to release some blockage, and afterwards I found the motivation to read chapter 4.

That part was mind-blowing, too.  This book is a gift from Spirit.  I had to finish the end of chapter 3, which talks about not making your decisions "smorgasbord style" and instead figuring out what you're hungry for.  That really resonated with me.  She said, 

"The discrimination which Vasalisa learns as she separates poppy seeds from dirt and mildewed corn from fresh corn, is one of the most difficult things to learn, for it takes spirit, will, and soulfulness and it often means holding out for what one wants.  Nowhere can this be seen more clearly than in the choice of mates and lovers.  A lover cannot be chosen a la smorgasbord.  A lover has to be chosen from soul-craving.  To choose just because something mouth-watering stands before you will never satisfy the hunger of the soul-Self.  And that is what intuition is for, it is a direct messenger of the soul."

YES!!!  I said the same thing to Ramiro.  When I wouldn't instantly commit, he pleaded with me, saying, "I don't want to start talking to other girls!"  I told him that I didn't want somebody who just wanted me because he didn't want to be single and I was the first one he saw.  I didn't want to be the apple you ate just because you were hungry and I was the first one that fell out of the tree.  I wanted to be the apple you saw, up in the very top, and climbed up to get it because there was something special about it.  And that was all before I read this chapter -- wild, isn't it???

Then, chapter 4 was all about the perfect mate for the woman with a wildish nature, and what he needs to do to win her over.  It was through reading THAT chapter that I realized what I'm hungry for...and what I'm willing to hold out for.

On another note, I feel very ill.  :(  I don't think it's all emotional.  I just finished my period on Friday, and I'm already bleeding again.  I'm also very nauseated, which is pretty typical for PMS.  But WHY do I have PMS again, already???  This happened in April, too, remember?  Well, without the nausea.  I wouldn't be so worried, except I've had sex.  I should relax, because I wasn't ovulating by Sunday.  Leave it to me, though -- some irregular bleeding and nausea, and I'm convinced that I'm either pregnant or have cancer.  LOL.

But I did make a doctor's appointment for Monday morning.  It will be reassuring to rule all things out.  Well, I should get some rest -- big day tomorrow!