Athena

Today, I choose Athena, not Aphrodite -- and for very good reason.  I have learned over the years that wisdom is far more valuable than beauty, and gives the bearer so much more true happiness.  Allow me to explain why I have been comparing the two.

First of all, this girl Ramiro is talking to.  She's 19.  It made me sick to think about it -- I mean, first of all, he's 29.  But it made me think, is that what men prefer?  I mean, obviously, yes.  Did I seem inferior, as a woman much closer to his age?  Do men feel like women have expiration dates, growing less desirable each passing year?  Does the sum of a woman's worth lie in her age?  What happens when SHE becomes 32?  Do you then trade her in and get another 19 year old?

I was bitter.  For a moment, it had me regretting my age.  I started going through old pictures of myself.  The first pangs I felt were...jealousy?  Of myself?  I don't know.  Longing.  For something I once had that I don't have anymore, something that, if only I still had it, would make me more appealing.

But I looked closer at the pictures.  I put myself back into the times and the situations I had been in when they were taken.  All of the feelings I had at those times came rushing back.  All of the self-loathing, the insecurity.  The fear of speaking my truth.  The awkward discomfort around people.  The constant comparison of myself to other people.  The always coming up short when judging my own value for lack of perfection.  The constant rat race to be prettier, be thinner, be sexier -- no matter how good I ever felt about myself, I'd see someone who I thought was prettier, and my confidence would be destroyed.

Those were not happy times.  Even though, looking back at the pictures I see that I was beautiful -- I didn't feel beautiful.  What good is beauty to a person who feels ugly?  I was trying so hard.  Trying too hard to be what I thought everyone wanted to be.  Uncomfortable in my own skin.  When people say that they would like to be 20 again, they don't really mean it -- I don't mean it.  If I could look like that again, with the confidence I have now -- sure!  But I would be a formidable force.  What havoc I could wreak on this world!  But honestly, I would rather feel the way I do now than ever go back there for any reason.

Do I wish I was 19?  So a guy like Ramiro would want me?  No, because if I were 19, he couldn't make me happy.  No one could make me happy.  No amount of attention or interest could ever fill the giant holes I had in myself at age 19.  In fact, I remember those times.  I was as miserable as I've ever been.  In fact, I even checked out her Facebook.  There was a picture of her showing off her flat tummy, but beneath it was a comment saying how she thinks she's fat.  What good is it?  Why would I want to look like that, if I'm still going to hate myself inside?

Today, I am 32.  Today, I love myself so much.  Today, I know who I am and what I like and I do what makes me happy.  I honor my body and my intuition.  I follow my bliss and say what I feel.  I am finally comfortable with ME, and I would never trade that for anything.  No place in my life has been happier than the place I am now, despite all the things I have had that are supposed to make one happy.  Don't fool yourself, they don't.  

Someday, someone will connect with me on a deeper level.  They will see all the things about me that ARE beautiful, inside and out.  They will treasure the wisdom and joie de vivre I have gained over the past 10 years.  They will appreciate the worth of the depths of insight and compassion I have breached throughout my time in the trenches of my 20's.  That person...who would find her more valuable than the person who stands before you today?  Who would prefer the hollow shell of a woman to this fierce creature, bursting with life?  No one I would want to be with, that's for certain!