Daphne

That last entry, the Sekhmet one, had to have been over a week ago.  It was just before the full moon because I had just started my period.  By the way, the full moon ritual was LOVELY -- we did yoga out in Danielle's backyard and a drawing down the moon meditation.  I really enjoyed it.

Let's see, that was...Wednesday, maybe?  No.  It was Thursday.  See, Wednesday I had agreed to Facetime with Ramiro.  I hadn't spoken with him in a while, and to be honest here, I was kind of playing with him a little bit.  I wasn't interested in him, but I looked so good after I got my hair cut that I sent him a picture.  Does that sound vain?  It probably is.  The ugly truth is, I have this inner craving to be admired and adored.  I like to feel desired, even if it's from someone that I don't want.  

So anyway, we Facetimed.  He still seemed really into me, and I was still pretty much blowing him off.  He was telling me about how there's something about me, and I laughed and told him the only reason he's so into me is because he can't catch me.  He's an Aries, and those fire signs love to pursue.  So when you're trying to run away, it only makes  them want to catch you more.  But you know what they say about playing with fire....I totally got burned.

After the ritual Thursday, I stalked Ramiro's facebook and saw that he had added a few girls.  I had agreed to see him Saturday, but Friday came and went and I heard nothing from him, so I assumed he had moved on and I shrugged it off.  No big deal.  Then Saturday he tells me he has to work late and won't be able to come, and can he see me Sunday?  Well first, I knew it was a lie, so I was insulted.  Secondly, I didn't want to see him anyway!  I honestly didn't.  So I told him to just forget about it and I didn't hear anything until Sunday.  

I was at work and he texted me, "Hey babe how's your day" like nothing had happened.  I said, first of all, I'm not your babe.  Then he asked if he was still coming over at 5 and I said NO!  He kept begging me throughout the day, and honestly I was feeling sexually frustrated, so finally on my way home I said okay.  The weirdest thing about this whole thing was that I had a dream Sunday morning about having super kinky sex with him next to a pool.  So then...

I get home, I take a shower and put some makeup on.  I put on a slutty dress and some high heels.  This was only about sex.  I figured I might as well enjoy myself.  He got there, and something seemed different.  I don't know how to explain this!  I honestly don't know what even happened.  The first time he had come, I had been a little disappointed, to be honest.  He hadn't looked like his pictures, and while he was still attractive in person, I just didn't feel any attraction toward him.  Do you know what I mean?  I didn't think he was ugly, he just didn't do it for me in person.

But Sunday.  Oh my  god.  I still don't know what was different.  I couldn't stop staring.  It wasn't just how he looked, though.  Something was different about him.  The first time he had been here, he kept asking me what I thought about him, and did I like him, and when could he be my boyfriend, and would I ever want to have another baby.  It was all such a turn-off, he had been trying so hard.  Now I know that by Sunday he had been talking to someone else, and I really honestly think that he didn't care anymore, and that's why he was suddenly so irresistible to me.  It's fucked up, right?  He had this new attitude.  It was confident.  He was more aggressive.  He didn't beg me or flatter me or kiss my ass.  And I fucking loved it.

We had sex and I felt like crying afterward.  Why?  I don't know.  I was picking up on some subtle energy shift.  I can always feel when someone is pulling away emotionally, and it's the most wretched helpless feeling ever in the world.  Because of course, the harder you try to pull them back, the more it pushes them away even further.  There's nothing you can do.  And I sensed it -- he was gone, and I was falling for him.  Oh my god.  It was so awful.

He came up behind me and put his arms around my waist in the kitchen and I almost melted.  He grabbed my chin and leaned in and kissed me, and I felt this electricity go through me.  All of these things I never felt with him the first time.  And the sex, it was as good as the best I've ever had.  Coming from me, that's saying a lot.  So, he spent the night.  In the morning, he seemed anxious to leave.  He kissed me, but it felt obligatory.  In fact, he had gone out to start his car....who does that in the summer?  You don't have to start your car before you leave!  He was eager to leave, and I knew it.  He didn't say anything, but I knew something was wrong.  And after he left, I just cried.

Later on, I made a fool out of myself by texting him and asking if he was still interested in me.  He said yes, but that he knew I was not interested in him and that's okay.  So I told him I felt something different now and asked if he would be interested in dating.  He said we could see what happens, and I was overjoyed -- but then I didn't hear anything at all for the rest of the day.  Finally he texted me late at night and said he was sorry but he's talking to someone who lives near him and I guess we're not meant to be.  Karma!!!!  Oh my god, after rejecting him for TWO WEEKS, finally I start falling for him and he rejects ME.  Do you have any idea how much this hurts????  Shit, I have cried so much over the past few days.  I haven't cried over a man since Noe.  What the fuck??!!

The worst part is, I don't even know what I'm feeling.  Do I only want him because he doesn't want me?  He was crazy about me for two weeks and I felt NOTHING.  Why did I suddenly feel something when he didn't want me anymore?  Do I just want what I can't have?  Do I REALLY like him, or is my brain telling me I do just because I know he doesn't like me and I can't stand it?  I was so sure last week that I didn't want a relationship with him.  At all.  None of my reasons have changed, so what DID?  

The reason I'm analyzing this so much is because I really have to figure out how to overcome this.  I'm a wreck.  I can't stop crying.  I feel sick.  This is so horrible!!!  I feel like a powerless prisoner of my irrational emotions.  I don't even know what to do.  I stopped doing yoga.  I started smoking again.  I feel some kind of emptiness inside me that wasn't there before.  I was HAPPY without a man, I felt complete and whole.  Now, I feel empty and lonely and sad.  

On a final note, I'm going to end this entry by stating that I have come to the conclusion that casual sex is a very bad idea.  I've been doing it for 17 years without any issues.  I can typically have sex with a guy without getting attached like most girls do -- but somehow, I think that has changed.  I think it's the sex that's confusing my brain.  The first time he was here, I was still closed off.  But then I had my reiki 2 attunement and I think that changed me too.  The 2nd attunement is supposed to open up your heart chakra.  Where normally I keep that tightly closed and don't let anyone in emotionally, when he came over the second time, it was wide open.  

You read about the hormone oxytocin, and about how girls can not separate love and sex while men can.  I've never had that issue, but somehow intuitively I can sense that I can no longer just sleep with whoever without any repercussions.  I've been writing in this blog for a long time, and you know that I am all about freedom and liberation and the right of a woman to live her life any way she chooses.  I am not judging any woman who indulges herself sexually in any way she chooses, as often as she pleases, with whomever she desires.  I am only realizing that for my own emotional health, I need to be so much more careful now about who I share my body with.