And I'd give up forever to touch you, 'Cause I know that you'd feel me somehow, You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, And I don't want to go home right now...

Yup.  That's the pose of the day -- savasana.  I have a lot of manic energy, but it's mostly cerebral.  My mind is racing, but my body said...fuck this.  

The first yoga video I tried to do appealed to me, it was a level 2 hour long class entitled, "Trust Yourself".  Sure, I'm only at level 1/2 (like, one and a half...not one half) but I'm pretty good at yoga.  I figured it would be pretty easy, no problem.  Well, about halfway through, spontaneously Elena (the instructor) just flat out decides we're going to spring into handstand!  Handstand?  What???  Yeah, I tried, but of course it didn't work out.  

If I were a good yogini, I'd have done my very best and made it through the whole practice.  But sometimes, I'm a quitter.  And sometimes, I barely have enough energy to get to the mat, and upon encountering the first obstacle I decide I've had enough.  Sure, I have days where I push through it and test my boundaries.  Today was not that day.

On the plus side, today I finished Day 29 of the 30 Day Yoga Challenge!  I've done it.  I've done yoga every single day for the past 30 days without fail.  I'm very proud of myself!  I'm also very proud of myself for not giving in to current temptations.  I'm telling you, I'm like a wild animal.  I'm trying to find another outlet for this sexual energy, but it's complicated.  It's not just horny.  If it were that, the vibrator would do the trick.  

No, it's this deeper craving for chemistry, human chemistry.  That delicious electric current, that first kiss feeling, that lightheaded head rush, that chase, that surrender.  

I am starting to understand that I have always used sex as a replacement for intimacy.  I'm afraid of real intimacy.  I don't actually want to share my heart, or create a bond.  I'm uncomfortable with emotion.  But I crave closeness.  I want to feel that sense of belonging, that pseudo-vulnerability.  I can let a man into my pants but never into my heart.  I feel alone, and lonely, and untouchable -- and no matter how many hands, how many lips, have touched me...I'm still somehow out of reach.

During sex, for those few moments, I can lay my body bare...but not my soul.  I am able to connect, my brain flooded with chemicals, my heart momentarily tricked into believing that what I feel compares to love.  It is only during sex that I can pretend I know what love must feel like.

I don't.

Ide were were nita ochun, ide were were...

Good day!  I'm just relaxing with my coffee, listening to some Deva Premal.  I just finished with yoga and my energy feels a little calmer today.  I'm a little bit sad about it, because yesterday after I finished blogging, I sat here at the computer and wrote for a straight three hours.  I wouldn't have stopped, except I had to go pick up the kids.

I decided that it's time for me to write my story.  Most of it is already written here in this blog, but I want to use that in order to help other women who are where I have been.  I have been thinking about it, and I realized that when I was in that situation and trying to get out, no one was ever really REAL with me.  

I read a lot of books.  I talked to social workers and counselors.  I had supportive friends, but I feel like everyone always said what they thought they were supposed to say.  I felt like I couldn't meet the expectations anyone had of me.  I felt embarrassed to admit how I really felt or what I really thought, because all the survivors presented to me were made to seem like they were something I could never be.  The testimonials and advice only made me feel like I was doing things all wrong, that I was destined to fail at turning my life around because I clearly didn't have what it took.  

Additionally, many people who were trying to help or give advice just had no idea what it was like.  These were people who had never experienced the complex situation I was in and could definitely not understand it.  Why would I listen to them?  I know what I thought about women in abusive relationships before I had ever been in one, so I know how other people think.  I know now that they have no clue.  

I cringe any time I hear, "I would never let a man treat me that way!"  I used to say that too.  Or, "If it's so bad, why doesn't she just leave?" or, "Well, she keeps coming back, so she deserves everything she gets.  She should know better."  And sure, from the outside, that DOES make sense.  But that's the trouble with trying to form opinions about things we don't understand -- we only have the black and white.  So few things in life, if anything, are ever black and white.  I remember when I got into the first controlling relationship, a friend of mine had said, "I can't believe you're putting up with this.  You used to be the biggest feminist I knew!"  

It was true.  From the time I can remember, I have always been passionate about women's rights.  I have always been inflamed at the injustices and the dominating patriarchy.  I have done speeches and reports in high school about various plights of womankind.  Truly, I feel like this has been my calling from a very young age, to empower women.  I always knew it.  So why, then, did I find myself in the very situations which angered me so?  Because this IS my calling.  And how could I ever help a woman in a situation I don't understand?

My struggles have been my gifts.  You can't empower something you don't understand.  I have been in abusive relationships.  I have had an abortion.  I have placed a baby for adoption.  I have struggled with mental illness and substance abuse.  I have been married and divorced.  I have children.  I am a single mother.  I have dealt with being rejected by my family.  I have dealt with alternative sexuality and spirituality.  I can relate to many women in many different ways, and it was only through making these mistakes and coming through them that I have been given the tools to assist others in stepping into the light.  That's what I'm here for.

So anyway, I got 78 pages done, and I've just started.  I can't wait for my family to read my rough draft.  I feel like it will help them as much as anyone, because they still don't understand what motivated me or what went through my head.  Maybe this will help them have more compassion.  Maybe not, I don't know.  But writing is cathartic for me, and I feel like I'm finally ending that chapter.  I have a clear horizon in front of me -- and I'm charging forward valiantly, making a beautiful life for myself and my children!

Oh, yeah, so the picture.  I know it's not that impressive a pose.  The thing is, though, I've been doing it wrong this whole time.  I did a very nice class on YogaGlo with Jo Tastula and she very clearly explained what should and should not be happening in that pose.  It was such a wonderful session, I really feel great.  

Whatever I did yesterday or the day before, I perhaps participated a little too enthusiastically or didn't honor my body and my limits.  I pulled something in my right leg.  Of course, I'm not going to take a break from yoga -- not on your life!  

I'm trying hard not to get into trouble, but I've got a war in my mind...

Lana, ahhhh she's another one whose lyrics are pretty much the story of my life.  I totally get what she's saying.  I ALWAYS try so hard not to get into trouble, but I do have a war in my mind.  There are, literally, two people inside my head.  Furthermore, they don't agree.  At all.  Oh, the joys of being a Gemini...:)

I mean, just to illustrate my point -- Me #1 is very shy.  She is an introvert.  She doesn't like going out or being around people, and when she is, she is very quiet.  People can barely hear her.  She doesn't speak up.  If someone calls attention to her, her face turns bright red.  Me #2, on the other hand, has no filter.  She talks too much; she talks too loud.  She can't sit still.  Needs to be entertained.  Is not easily embarrassed and can't understand how other people are.  Truly; she embarrasses other people and can't figure out why.  She is friendly, happy, outgoing.  Me #1 never thinks she is good enough.  She assumes people don't like her.  She always wonders what's wrong with her.  Me #2 loves life.  

After all these years trying to figure this out, is this really so different than what we all deal with?  I wouldn't know, because I don't know normal.  This IS my normal.  I can't conceive of a life where you are always one person and you never disagree with yourself.  So maybe I'm wrong, but I suspect we ALL have EVERYTHING inside of us, and different factors determine which of those qualities we will express at any time.  And they can change.  But the other qualities aren't gone, they're just latent.  In the background.  And you can always flip that switch and go from good guy to bad guy, prude to whore, sinner to saint, liar to truth-teller, responsible to reckless.  I just think my switches flip a little more easily, and more often.  I am everything, and it's a contradiction, but it's my truth.

Regarding my sexuality, I have tried to force myself to "pick".  Oh, I must be a lesbian because I definitely like girls so maybe I am just fooling myself.  Maybe I have just been forcing myself to pretend I like guys all this time; maybe I never really did.  Maybe I'm gay.  But as soon as I decide I'm gay, I fall in lust with some charismatic man who occupies my every thought.  So I decide, maybe I'm straight.  Maybe I'm just an open-minded straight girl.  But then I'll develop a huge crush on some girl and fantasize about marrying her and every man disgusts me so I'm back to thinking I'm a lesbian again.  And it's that -- why it's so hard for me to say or to think that I'm bisexual -- because it's never BOTH at the same time.  I'm either head over heels for a girl, or consumed by a guy.  The thing is, though, I'm always physically attracted to women.  I'm usually only physically attracted to one man at a time and it has nothing to do with how he looks.

*sigh*  Anyway, I'm still manic.  And I started to take some dangerous risks yesterday.  I mean, I LOVE this energy.  I feel so ALIVE.  I want to feel like this all the time!  Almost.  My sexuality is starting to get out of control.  I can't think straight.  I really fear that I'm going to make a stupid decision, and I don't know how to get in my own way.  I was contacting random guys on dating sites yesterday, and if one had responded, I wouldn't have thought twice about meeting up (not at my apartment, though, that will never happen).  I thought I had this hypersexuality conquered.  I haven't had sex since November.  Now I feel like it's really only a matter of time before my next dangerous liaison.  What do I do?  Lock myself up?  If sensible Christine deletes the dating sites, reckless Christine will just install them again.  She is so dumb.  And she's about to get herself in trouble again, and I don't know how to stop her.

Well, anyway, yoga.  Tree pose!  Today, yoga felt like ballet.  I think back to how I really just started yoga seriously a year ago, and not on a very regular basis until around 6 months ago.  Today, we put our leg out in front, I didn't fall.  Bent the knee, turned the foot in toward the other thigh.  I still didn't fall.  Right foot pressed against left inner thigh, arms reaching up.  Stable.  Then the right hand, palm up, on top of the right thigh.  Left hand reaching over.  (Just like in the picture at the top).  I felt amazing.  I felt like a graceful goddess.  And then later, when we did crow pose -- flawless. 

Oh yeah!  And I forgot to mention that last time, when we did headstand -- I totally did it!  It was awesome!  Until my legs started to fall, and I couldn't really find a graceful way DOWN, and I almost kicked my TV off the stand.  But still. 

I reflected on this during savasana.  I thought about how people get discouraged about doing yoga because they see people doing challenging poses and think, "I could never do that".  Or they'll try a pose, and fall, and feel like it's useless.  And the only thing you can do to get from point A to point B is just regular, consistent practice.  Progress comes in millimeters.  Consistency, repetition, dedication.  Then one day, you're suddenly doing that thing you once thought was impossible.  I think this applies to life as well.

No matter which way you go No matter which way you stay You're out of my mind, out of my mind Out of my mind, out of my mind. I was walking with a ghost...

I haven't done yoga yet today, but today's lesson is headstands.  Hahaha, we'll see how I do!  So, I forgot to talk about a couple things yesterday.  I guess I was just out of it.  Was that yesterday?  Well whatever day it was.  Anyway, so I had a date.  It was horrible.

So check this out, I meet this guy online.  He looks good in his picture.  He works out every day, has a four year old daughter, a good job -- currently working 16 hour days because he's single and he doesn't have anything else to do.  He cooks.  He cleans.  (So it's not some mama's boy who doesn't know how to take care of himself expecting some woman to take care of him -- yeah I'm not doing THAT again).  

So far, so good.  He asked me out last Saturday, but I had plans with my sister after work.  So he asked if we could meet up during my lunch hour, and I agreed.  We decided to meet at Biggby on Alpine.  I was excited.  I made sure I looked pretty and even though I got offered the half hour lunch, I didn't take it.  I drove to Biggby on my lunch.  I walked in, and he was sitting there.  Hmmm.  He doesn't quite look like his picture, but that's okay.  We start talking.  I realize he hasn't brushed his teeth in probably a month.  Gross.  

Then we start talking about driving or something and he tells me these delightful tales of falling asleep at stop lights because he was so drunk or waking up in the morning not knowing how he got dents and scratches on his car.  Oh, that's so funny.  I mean, you might have KILLED somebody, but...hahaha!  Still, though, I liked him a little.  And when he turned his head a little and smiled...oh my god, those DIMPLES.  Jesus, I'm such a sucker for dimples.  Not like the dot ones, but, you know...like these:

OhmyGOD.  But anyway, he asked what time I had to be back to work.  I looked at my phone and realized it was 1:00 (I had to be back by 1:15...and it had taken me 15 minutes to get there).  So, as I'm standing up to go, he asks me..."Oh, hey, do you think you could give me a ride to Best Buy?"  UhWHAT?  So, you totally came to meet this girl who has NEVER MET YOU BEFORE...on her lunch break...and you think it's okay to ask her -- WITHOUT any advance warning -- for a ride????  NOT COOL!  

So of course I agreed, because I'm a pushover.  But I was pissed off.  As we were driving I realized we were about to pass 4 mile, and that was the road I needed to get back to work.  If I went out of my way, I'd be late.  What to do?  Be nice, and be late for work?  Or be a bitch, and be on time?  Hahaha.  I pulled over and told him to get out.  ;)

So that was that story.  My second story is about yesterday.  I was feeling quite industrious, as I'm manic right now and full of motivation.  So, I went to pay on my fine at the court.  Then, I went to Harvest Health to get some organic food.  Oh my gosh, I totally packed Tristan a Tofurkey and cheese sandwich with Nayonnaise, an organic non-GMO granola bar, and an organic string cheese.  SCORE!

After THAT...I went to Spirit Dreams to get the kids each a stone.  I got Jewel an amethyst and I got Tristan a piece of jade.  I also got a psychic reading from Karen.

Okay, so while I AM open minded, inside my secret heart-of-hearts I am skeptical about EVERYTHING.  I believe in the POSSIBILITY of anything.  However, I can't accept it as a reality unless I myself have seen PROOF.  So, as far as psychics go, while I fully accepted that it was certainly possible for a person to be clairvoyant and speak to angels, I had never met anyone who had convinced me it was fact nor had I ever done it myself.  The best I can do is tune in to people's feelings, and sense when they are lying.  The thing is, though, if you can't prove they're lying they'll continue to deny it so to avoid any further awkwardness you pretend to believe them.  So that's kind of a shitty skill to have.

Anyway, Karen proved it for me.  I went in there just asking what I should do with my life.  She told me she sees a clear horizon -- I had been struggling so long, in "victim mode", that now that I am coming into my own and self-reliant, I don't know what to do with it.  Okay so this is all stuff she could have guessed, right?  I'll concede that.

But then she started talking about my family.  I had never said a word about them.  She said most of my struggle was over, but I have one more hurdle to overcome and it has to do with my family.  And she started talking about how they have always bailed me out and, while helping, also kind of devalued me by believing that I was a lost cause and could not make decisions.  She said there are people in the family manipulating me, and making me doubt myself.  She said my karmic bonds with my children are strong and that if I want to focus on parenting I have what it takes. 

She told me a few things that really hit home.  One was that I do not have to be perfect to be a good, loving parent for Tristan.  The other is that I need to focus on RESPONDING instead of REACTING.  She said she sensed a chemical imbalance, I explained I am bipolar and not on medication.  She said the medication was making things worse for me and what I am doing now is working better  -- which is true.  I have been doing better these past two years off meds than I ever was on them.  She did say that might be brought up as an issue and I can explain to them that I GOT this.

She suggested getting a third party involved, like a counselor.  I texted Rachel and asked her about if she rescheduled that appointment we were supposed to go to with Tristan's counselor -- supposedly Friday at 2:30 was the latest she had, but "next time" they'll make sure it's later so I can come.  Well, guess what, Rachel?  I'm taking a floating holiday and I will BE there.  :)

Say wait a minute, Queen What's your name I be that gypsy Flippin' life game from the right brain Ascension maintained Rolling through like a burning flame...

I am getting closer and closer to being able to do the splits again!  I haven't been able to get all the way down since high school, but the yoga challenge the other day was yoga splits and after warming up I was able to get really close.  I can also now sit back on my heels, get into half lotus, lower to my forearms in backbend/wheel pose, and do crow pose.  (I know sitting back on your heels doesn't seem like a big deal, but it always hurt so bad for me -- the tops of my feet or my ankles or something needed to stretch)

So, it's the 18th.  I should really be wearing a warning label!  I got my period last month on the 6th.  It feels like I have been pms-ing for two weeks now, and still nothing.  My period is 12 days late, what the fuck??!!  I mean, I don't really care.  I know I couldn't be pregnant.  Wait, what if the Virgin Mary WAS a real story?  What if immaculate conception CAN happen?  What if it's happened to me?  No one would believe me!  I mean, I don't blame them.  I've had a lot of sex in my life...I'm sure they would assume I was lying.

I think my body may be reacting in some strange way to the circumstances I have not yet described.  Pay attention.  Open your ears.  This is BIG NEWS.

My sister is pregnant.  But wait...there's more....
Rachel is pregnant too!!!!!!!!  
It is the full moon now.  I honestly JUST WISHED for this very thing on the waxing moon...and now my wish has come true.  Granted, it wasn't the first time I'd wished for her to get pregnant.  I just want my baby back.  I knew the only way she'd let him go is if she had one of her own...she might still put up a fight, but somehow I feel like my chances are better now.  So, I'm happy!

But I still feel a little sad.  I know a lot of it has to do with hormones.  And the full moon.  I think part of it, though, comes from this aching place in me...this nerve that's just raw since I had Sienna, and both of my sisters being pregnant really touches it.  Of course losing her left a longing, a hole.  And naturally I have often felt like having another baby would ease that pain.  There have been plenty of times that I found myself yearning for the baby I don't have, which translated into thinking I wanted to get pregnant again.  I know I don't really.  I know I just miss her.  I know no one could replace her and having another baby just isn't in the cards for me right now.

Oh, but how my heart aches.

It's our turn to spread Love, peace, equality, settin us free, my friends Putting the patriarchy to bed Yeah you heard right, that's what I said

Yes, okay, so that pose doesn't look terribly impressive.  But for ME, it was progress.  Holding my weight on my arms like that, although you are supposed to keep your hips and thighs engaged, was quite challenging.  I have weak arms, I've rarely worked them out in my life.  I will say, though, after all these chaturangas, I'm starting to see some definition.  Oh!  And I was able to hold crow pose a little longer today.  Only a second, but progress happens in millimeters.

When you think about that statement, really it's profound.  In yesterday's class, the instructor had said that.  I thought about that yesterday as I reflected on my life.  

I know who I am, I know who I want to be, and I think it's only natural to want to shorten that gap as quickly as possible.  A sudden, complete transformation.  Perhaps today I gossip and complain, and tomorrow I just magically want to say only positive things.  But really how I do that is consciously making one more better decision every day.  Maybe I bite my  tongue when I'm about to whine about my family.  Maybe I resist posting that catty remark on Facebook.  Maybe my attitude has improved by just a millimeter...but I'm making progress.  And that's how real transformation occurs.  

It's encouraging because I can look back at the beginning of my (almost) daily yoga practice in the beginning of January and compare my abilities from that time to now.  Maybe I didn't notice anything from day to day, but I can't argue that my patience and dedication have led to steady improvement.  That's exactly how I need to approach ALL the things I want to improve in my life.  Do what I can, something, every day.  And know that I'm going to have bad days, days that the best I can do is just bring myself to the mat.  And  that's okay, and it's no reason to give up.

I've also noticed something about honoring my body and tuning in to its needs.  There are times that I am in a super energetic "growing" phase -- these are the times I make plans, start projects, set goals, and begin workout regimens.  I start reading a lot of books and studying various topics.  

Then, when I shift into "resting" mode, the things I have picked up in the growing phase suddenly seem like too big a burden to bear.  I don't have the energy to sustain the same exercise routines I had started.  I don't have the ambition to keep reading at the same voracious pace.  The key is, instead of FORCING myself to, I just go along with what my body is telling me.  It's okay to have lower energy times.  It doesn't mean I'm lazy.  It doesn't mean I'm a failure for not maintaining the same routines.  It just means it's time to take a shift, focus on nourishing my body and spirit.  It's a time of reflection and introspection.  It's like a pit stop on my journey -- I stop, eat, take a look at the map, and go over my itinerary before starting the next leg.  

Oh, so I have some exciting news!  At the new moon sister circle, I mentioned that I was feeling called to get my reiki attunement.  I want to be a reiki master, and it's (I think) a 3 step process with 3 separate attunements.  About a week later, I saw a post by Karen saying that she was doing Reiki Level 1 attunements on April 19.  I took the day off and on Friday, I'm paying for my spot.  So cool, right?  I love this universe :)

Time is never time at all You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth And our lives are forever changed We will never be the same

Believe in me, as I believe in you, tonight!  Ahhhh Smashing Pumpkins are totally part of my age 15 wildly emotional angsty magical soundtrack.  In fact, I'm listening to the 90's station on Pandora and it's like a time machine.  They're playing Gin Blossoms now, also firmly imprinted in my heart and mind.  

Isn't it funny how everyone has fond recollections of the music from their youth, claiming that "they just don't make music like that anymore"?  I have a theory.  I think because our emotions are so heightened, we are becoming aware and our hormones are in full bloom, and we are experiencing so many new and wonderful things, that the songs we associate with that time of life resonate more deeply with us.  We subconsciously link them to that gloriously treacherous time in our life and they make us feel good.  They remind us of what it is to feel ALIVE.  When our emotions were still raw, like nerves exposed.  Before we learned to cover them up.

Don't get me wrong, 90's music IS great.  Well, some of it (anyone remember "Barbie Girl"?  Yikes).  I just think I'm especially partial to it because those were the most emotionally charged years of my life.

Hmmmm.  I totally forgot what I was going to talk about.  Then again, that happens pretty much every day so I'm used to it.  I just go with the flow.

Oh, speaking of going with the flow!  So, yoga.  Yesterday I was surfing YogaGlo for a video.  I decided to try a Hatha yoga, and it moved soooooooo slowwwwwwwwwww and I did NOT like it at all.  So I went to my 30 day yoga challenge video, and guess what?  It was RESTORATIVE yoga!  (You know, like, lying down, moving slow, being quiet, long holds).  I just couldn't escape it!  I was frustrated.  I wanted to work OUT.  

Well today, I woke up feeling this grimy yucky film of heavy GUILT surrounding me.  Of course, I'm premenstrual and I know this.  But all I could think of was my son when he was little, and I kept replaying all those memories that always haunt me.  I tried to do it as a witness, simply observing and asking myself what it all meant.  

I hurt so deeply inside as I remembered him asking me to play with him, me telling him to go to his room while I was out on the couch with Noe, and him walking dejectedly back, alone, with his head down.  Or the times I had been up all night partying and was too tired to even make him breakfast.  Lying next to him in his bed pretending to watch TV but really falling asleep.  

Wherever I go, whatever I do, I lug this guilt around like so many heavy suitcases.  I don't know how to absolve myself of it.  Now I find myself trying to overcompensate, which isn't good parenting either.  I'm so afraid to do anything to make him sad because I feel like I still owe him so much.  But all the love I pour into that bucket never seems to erase the pain of my guilt.  I realize we are not punished FOR our "sins", but BY them.  There is no hell, not a physical location that I will burn in eternally for being a bad mother.  There is only the searing fire of shame eternally attached to my soul as a result of what I did.  But even as I damned myself, somehow I must have the power to redeem myself.

I looked for a class on releasing guilt and found one instead about releasing blame, which I decided would work.  It was a slow-moving, long hold, introspective, restorative class.  This time I didn't fight it.  I embraced it; it was obviously what my body and spirit needed.  There came a part where the instructor had us put our index fingers on our solar plexus and open.  She said that is where we store feelings of shame, and blame.  Once again, I found myself bursting into tears on my mat.  I felt such an enormous release.  As the tears flowed down my cheeks I just stayed in that moment, head back, eyes closed, trying to forgive myself.  My son has forgiven me.  What else do I think my self-hatred could accomplish?  Why do I feel the need to continuously torture myself over my mistakes?  Why am I the only one who can't let go?

I also made some headway in the class as far as the resentment I carry toward certain people in my life.  I am not responsible for them.  I can not control them.  I can only control me.  

I'm thinking about watching a documentary now.  Okay have a good day!

*I had to come back to share what I just found in my news feed on Facebook.  Oh, the synchronicity!!!
I couldn't paste the screen shot.  So I copied and pasted:

Family Tree Therapies

Let us forgive ourselves for parenting "mistakes", misdirection or misinformation…let us embrace today, who are children are and all that they are to become from THIS day forward….children forgive so very easily….

http://www.handsfreemama.com/2014/03/11/if-you-really-really-knew-me/

I read it and cried my way through it.  It was exactly, EXACTLY what I needed.  

"If you really knew me, you would know I have trouble forgiving myself for the mistakes of my past. You see, I missed a lot of important moments in my children’s lives due to my distracted, perfectionistic, hurried ways. And when my readers write to me and say, “I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Is it too late for me?” I tell them, “It’s never too late. Today is a new day. This journey is not about yesterday. It is about today and the critical choices you make today.” That is what I tell my readers. That is what I believe with all my heart. But yet, I cannot offer those same forgiving words to myself.

And then I took it one step further:

If you really, really knew me, you would know that I’ve apologized to my daughters for the impatient, unhappy, perfectionistic drill sergeant I once was and for the hurt that I caused … but when they wrap their arms around my neck and say, “I forgive you Mama,” I can’t quite allow myself to accept or embrace their forgiveness. I must keep punishing myself."

Cold Light, Hot Night, Be My Heater Be My Lover...

Hi!  Spring looks like it's finally getting ready to arrive...I'm so happy!  I did end up getting some sleep last night.  Unbelievably, I wasn't tired enough to sleep when I tried to at 8pm, even though I had been up since 12:30am.  My brain was all confused though and my body was exhausted.  I was good for nothing -- being awake was doing me no good, since I couldn't accomplish anything anyway.

So I drank some Nighty Night tea, which seemed to help.  I got a sample in my Conscious Box last month and it seemed to work pretty well.  I might buy some.  A few people have also told me melatonin is helpful too.

So, I'm a bit overwhelmed.  I'm EXCITED, don't get me wrong!  I was poor for so long, that it took me a minute to realize that I'm not poor anymore.  What prompted this was seeing that my commission check on Friday is $1,009.82.  Yes, that's before taxes -- but last month it was $742 or something and my total check was $1169.  (My paycheck is around 600 every two weeks after taxes, insurance, child support, and my 401k contribution)  So this one should be around $1436.  Shit!  In two WEEKS I am making more than I did in two MONTHS at Velvet Touch.  !!!

I have gone without so many things for so long, without ever bothering to really think about what I'd like to buy if I could afford it because....why?  There's no point, when you can't afford it.  I spent a lot of time learning to appreciate what I already had, realizing that sometimes less IS more, and finding out what was really important and necessary in life.  But now it's like some floodgate has opened.  With this dawning realization that I have money, my mind is suddenly flooded with all these things I could spend it on.  It's making me sick.

I'm excited because I can finally afford to feed my family healthy, organic food.  Let's face it, living well isn't always cheap.  And sure, there may be ways to eat well on a budget and being poor is no excuse -- however when you throw in the fact that I completely lack any sort of financial planning skills whatsoever, saying that it would be a challenge for me is an understatement.

As I look around my apartment, though, my desires gain momentum and it's like a snowball effect.  Making coffee, I realize I can start buying coconut sugar.  Brushing my teeth, I decide I definitely need to get a 5 gallon bucket of coconut oil to make my own toothpaste and deodorant.  And essential oils, how long have I gone without THOSE?  And thinking of smelly things, I need more incense.  Oh yeah, and my plug-ins need refills.  (This draws my attention to the light socket near the floor, which is not vacuumed).  Oh yes, and I'll buy a vacuum!  Oh, and what about that couch?  Am I going to buy a new one?  I think I heard that Art Van will deliver...or I could reupholster it myself!  I definitely need a new yoga mat, mine is too short.  And yoga pants!  I can get this tattoo covered up!  I can get my hair done!  And makeup...I really need some new makeup.  Crafts, to do with the kids!  Oh yeah and I can't forget a pencil sharpener so they can do their homework.  Hmmm, I should probably buy some more notebooks too.  They could use some new toothbrushes, oh and I can finally buy that shampoo I love!  

This is, honestly, only 1/100th of what has been going through my mind.  The tough thing is, there are MANY things I need that I have been living without.  Not the high-level necessities like food and clothing, but things like cleaning supplies and furniture and car maintenance.  I have enough now to afford SOME things, but not ALL things.  So how do I prioritize?  I asked my sister to help me because she has helped me before and she is very sensible with money.  I don't necessarily want her to control my finances again and dole out an allowance, but I could use some advice for strategizing.  And I will need her to hold on to any extra money I have so I will have a savings account, which I admit I could never possibly maintain on my own.  

I'm still pretty manic but I slept great last night.  I called in today, because as I just mentioned I suck at planning my money.  I drove all the way to work AND all the way home yesterday with my gas light on.  I was too afraid to ask anyone to borrow money, although finally I did cave and ask Brian but he wasn't home.  I was so afraid of running out and being stranded on the side of the road that I didn't even try to make it to his house this morning, but I'm going to try after he gets home from work.  I know this will be an occurrence but it will be my first one -- I used sick time the other two times so there was no penalty.  I am out of sick time right now though.

Okay, I am going to register now for this Ayurveda course I am starting later in the month!  It is a free course at NLAM (National Library of Ayurvedic Medicine) and it is intensive.  I'm so excited!  Every day, my dreams are coming true :)

No you can't talk to a psycho like a normal human being...

Good morning, people!  Boy, are we in trouble today!  I've been up since 12:30 AM.  I gave up trying to fall back asleep at 4 and played on Facebook until 5, at which point I did yoga for 45 minutes, drank a protein shake, and took a shower.  I decided I may as well blog, so here I am!

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE YogaGlo?  Because I do.  Krissy and Randy from work invited me to go to the gym with them this morning, but I felt kind of apprehensive about working out in front of people.  I chose an "anti-aging tonic" Kundalini yoga routine.  I loooooooove Kundalini yoga, I used to do it last summer but I had it on DVD and I really hated doing the breath of fire.  This workout didn't have any of that and I really feel like it sparked my inner glow.  I'm nervous about when I'm going to start getting tired.  I wish I had been able to sleep last night.

That's the thing about spring, though -- with the sunshine comes insomnia!  I remember doing this same thing last year.  As frustrating as it is, I still love hypomania and I'm hoping I still have energy when I get home so I can get my apartment clean.  I think leading up to my meeting with Sienna, my energy was just frozen.  I was scared.  It turned out, I had no reason to be.

When I got to McDonald's, they were in the play area and she was sitting in a high chair eating some fries and apples.  Oh my goodness, her pictures absolutely don't do her justice.  She is beautiful, and you can tell in pictures.  But in person...she is breathtaking.  And I mean, sure, I'm biased.  50% of her DNA is mine, of course I'm partial to her.  But honestly...she's exquisitely beautiful.  Not only that, but she has this vibrancy about her -- it's like this inner glow, she exudes joy.  As soon as she saw me, she smiled so big.  I was able to observe during our short visit that she is very friendly with everyone, but still, the way she smiled at me -- it was like she knew me.  I know she can't possibly remember, but it's the same smile Jewel and Tristan give me.  It really put my heart at ease.

After she was finished eating, we went to go play in the play area.  I was afraid to touch her.  Kelli got her out of the high chair and I started walking with her to the treehouse thing.  I didn't know if it was okay to pick her up, to hug her, to kiss her, so I didn't.  But they she reached out and grabbed my hand and it made me so happy.  Her tiny little soft baby hand, wrapped around my fingers, leading me to the toys.  She was excited.  She was happy.  

She chattered away and bounced up and down excitedly, pointing to things and making all these precious animated expressions on her face.  I can't believe she's talking already.  I mean, she HAS been, but she's really chatty now.  She would grin and say, "Hi!!!" to every kid we saw.  I had an awkward moment when one little girl said, "Your baby is so cute!"  I didn't know what to say to that.  I mean, she IS my baby...but she's not.  I just smiled.  

Anyway, after about 20 minutes she wanted to go back by her mom.  I expected this day to make me feel sad, or empty, or angry.  I almost feel like I must not be doing something right because I didn't.  I don't.  I felt relieved.  I felt grateful.  The visit gave me peace in my heart and joy to see what a happy girl she is and to know that I gave her that opportunity.  To know that I gave her the perfect parents, that they have loved her and cared for her and given her a rock and a source of unconditional love free of anything that would tarnish her bright spirit.  

Not only did I pick the perfect parents for Sienna, but in regards to the adoption they could not be more down to earth and compassionate toward me.  They don't feel threatened by me, they don't resent me wanting the visit, they don't act like it's a competition.  All three of us know that they are her parents, but I'm finally starting to accept that it's okay to be a special part of her life too.  And they have no hang-ups about that either.  Their love for Sienna is pure, and they just want her to be happy.  I just love them all, so much.  :)

The best part was at the end, when I told Sienna goodbye.  She said bye-bye and waved...then she blew me a cute little baby kiss.  Oh, what a sweet little doll she is.  I'm so amazed that something so wonderful and amazing came from such horrible circumstances.  She really is my lotus...and that's why I'm having the tattoo of Noe's name on my neck covered up with a lotus.  It is a flower that grows in the mud and the muck, just as the circumstances that led to the creation of Sienna were gross and yucky.  But out of them arose a beautiful blossom.  :)

I'm gonna marry the night I won't give up on my life I'm a warrior queen Live passionately tonight

Good ol' Lady Gaga.  One of my all-time favorites, and I don't care who judges me for it!  She's one of the coolest people ever.  I love her effervescent personality, how she isn't afraid to live out loud and be wild and different despite what anyone says.  I mean, we're ALL different.  But she embraces her uniqueness unapologetically.  Apparently that's not a word.  Oh well, I just made it one.  :)

I may sound like I'm in a great mood right now -- and I AM -- but I just finished yoga crying on my mat.  I woke up this morning filled with fear and anger and sadness and inertia.  I knew that feeling of crippling depression and pessimism setting in.  Last night I was fantasizing about cutting again, which I haven't done since I was with Noe.  Thank goddess I don't have any sharp objects because I'd be having some regrets right now.  I really just almost lost it.  My seething rage transformed into a hopeless despair and I felt myself spiraling down to the place you can't come back from until it releases you.  The place where bills don't get paid and hair doesn't get washed and calls don't get answered and food doesn't get eaten.  I can't risk that.

I was half-heartedly flipping through some of the yoga classes on YogaGlo -- oh my gosh, I can't get OVER how much I LOVE that site!!! -- and I happened to find one titled "Yoga for a Great Attitude".  Uhhhh, hell YES!  Sign ME up!  So I did it.  It was an hour class with a lot of backbends and twists.  I theorize that the intention was to get the energy flowing down the spine.  Whatever it was, I never heard so many snap-crackle-pops come from my spine as I did today...but it must have released something.

At the end, in savasana, I expected to feel giddy "high" elation.  Which, honestly I was a little worried about because I'm so manic right now that I don't need an energy boost.  Instead, I was pleased to feel peace.  Calm.  Acceptance.  Afterwards, when we sat up, tears just started rolling down my face.  Whatever I was holding in just came pouring out.  I think I'm as good as I'm going to be -- but I have work ahead of me.

I am the love, I am the one, I am the mother daughter father and the son...

Breathe.  Breaaaaaaaaathe.  Shit, I'm fucking PISSED!!!  I had to log out from Facebook and turn off my phone.  That's how bad it is.  At least I should be proud of myself for recognizing that my anger was escalating and going incommunicado before blowing up at someone.  I need to process this.  This is my opportunity to learn better ways to deal with emotion.  I'm open here, guys!  I'm totally willing to handle this in the healthiest way possible.  But WHAT. Do. I. DO????

So, I already did yoga.  In fact, I signed up for YogaGlo, which is PERFECT for me.  It's $18/month and it's real yoga classes streaming through an internet device -- in my case, my iphone, which I then plug into the karaoke machine to display the video on my TV.  (Technology, right???)  :)  Anyway, being the introvert that I am, severely uncomfortable with eating and DEFINITELY working out in front of people, this is perfect for me.  Again, another terrible sentence.  I say I don't care, yet I keep pointing them out.  Yet I don't fix them.  Hmmm.

Yeah so I'm really manic right now.  My thoughts are everywhere and I couldn't even slow down while talking on the phone at work.  I feel like I drank 50 triple espressos.  I thought yoga would ground and center me, and for a moment it did.  But then I got very very angry and now I'm agitated again.

Am I overreacting?  I wonder, would a "normal" person in my shoes be angry?  Should I let it go?  Am I being petty?  I feel like this is a legitimate issue.  But I always have to second guess myself and ask if it's mental illness distorting reality into something not even worth being upset about?  Maybe you can help me.  Well you won't, but I'm going to talk about it anyway.  

I already put it out there that I intend to have Tristan full time when school ends.  And I already know full well, that's intuition speaking which has NOT been wrong yet (although my family likes to call it paranoia, but then again I was "paranoid" when I first let Tristan go to Blair and Rachel's and voiced concerns that they would try to take custody...hmmmmm...who has custody??!!!)  So anyway.  We're supposedly transitioning him back to live with me, which made me very happy at first.  But stupid things started to happen which make me angry.  They sound little, but they MATTER.

For example, Tristan stayed home sick from school on my day off.  The night before, Rachel had asked me if he could come over here while she was at work because Blair had a meeting.  I said of course, I'm his mom after all.  Well Tristan never came.  I texted Rachel, who claimed she was at work and had to text Blair (this was around 1:45), then texted me back and said his meeting had been cancelled so he and Tristan were just hanging out at "home".  First of all, thanks for letting me know!  Secondly, um, I'm MOM and I should take priority.  Third, who would Tristan rather spend time with?  Duhhhh.  No-brainer.  And FOURTH, when I did see Tristan, he informed me that Rachel and Blair had both stayed home from work that day.  Liar, liar, big fat panties on FIRE!!!

So maybe I'm being unreasonable.  I didn't say anything about it.  Water under the bridge, right?  So tonight.  Tonight I text Rachel asking her to have Tristan call me before bed.  She texts back saying she's out of town for work, Blair had gone over to my parents' house for dinner, and my mom had offered to take Tristan overnight.  Oh. My. GODDESS.  For one, tomorrow is a school day.  Secondly, I live ONE MINUTE away from his school.  Third, I have tomorrow off!  And fourth, no one bothered to fucking TELL me?  

So tell me.  Am I blowing things out of proportion?  I'm sick of these people playing house with my son.  I'm sick of people wanting to pretend I don't matter in his life.  I'm fucking MOM and I'm going to take these bitches to court and I don't give a FUCK who gets mad!!!!!!!  I've had ENOUGH!!!!!!!

Open up your third eye vision, awaken to an ancient wisdom, release me from a reptile prison, we're shamans on a holy mission...

I looooooooove those pants!!!  I really want to know where I can get some.  :)  So today I did day 5 of the yoga challenge, it was abs part 2.  As you can tell from the picture above, it included a lot of plank and side plank.  I'm going to do a longer, harder workout (oooh, that sounds dirty...) after I finish blogging.

So.  The new moon sister circle was yesterday at Jillian's house.  For whatever reason, only four of us were there.  I feel like that was exactly perfect because I wasn't very close to or comfortable around those three yet and spending some sistar time together really enhanced the bonding.  We had a lovely dinner together, Jillian did some henna for me, and we had a nice long chat.  The drive home, despite scary slippery treacherous roads, was serene and blissful.  I didn't get scared, anxious, or tense behind the wheel at all.  The roads were definitely the worst I've seen all winter, but I was so zen.  I really feel like sharing energy with those wonderful ladies helped elevate me and I am so thankful for that.

Work was pretty good today and my numbers were pretty good.  Randy had been leaving me alone for a while after I cancelled our date but he's back at it again.  He wants to reschedule and I'm not sure what to tell him.  I don't know WHY I was so into him one minute and then, like a switch, it just flipped OFF!  Maybe I had my "bipolar goggles" on.  You know -- they're like beer goggles.  When I'm having a manic episode, my judgement is impaired and I find my interest piqued in people who I never noticed before.  Then, sanity returns and I'm apathetic again.  

No, no, no.  I'm lying to you and I'm lying to myself.  Humorously enough, LIES are the source of this strange issue with me.  I have noticed it happen before.  I can be so into someone, so devoted.  But as soon as I notice they are a liar, the interest vanishes without a trace.  Of course, this is just a hypothesis.  I think it's related to the idealization/devaluation cycle.  Because of course, we are ALL liars.  I think it's more that I idealize someone -- MY version of them -- but as soon as they display an imperfection, I discard them completely.  Funny, isn't it?  Because I seem to recall griping about men doing pretty much that exact thing to ME.

Maybe I AM a narcissist.  Really, what turned me on about this guy to begin with?  I'll tell you.  He was so into ME.  That's what I thrive on, isn't it?  It's the adoration from another.  That's why I like that honeymoon phase, because I like to be admired and adored.  I'm not attracted to a person because of how they look or how they think or what they do, or really anything about THEM.  I don't like them, I just like that they like ME.  And the more obsessed they seem with me, the more I feed off their fascination.

My mom used to say that the only requirement for me to date someone is that they like me.  Well, that's pretty much true.  If I had my choice between a smart, introspective, creative, spiritual yogi -- my perfect match -- who was just kinda digging me, or a conservative sexist judgmental country music fan who idolized me....well....

This is something I need to work on.  And I feel that until I get this issue resolved, I have no business dating.  A relationship should be two healthy people who admire and support one another with healthy boundaries and a good level of self esteem who recognize their own self worth and honor and respect themselves.  That was a terrible sentence, but I'm not submitting this essay for a grade so I'm not concerned.  Anyway, until I can enter into a romantic relationship with someone because of who he or she is rather than how he or she makes me feel, I'm not ready.  Happiness comes from within.  I need to perfect the art of self love before all else.

I was going to talk about my lunchtime epiphany, but I'm feeling pretty tired.  Maybe I'll talk about it tomorrow.  Namaste!