You can tell I was too lazy to give much thought to song lyrics today. But it IS a wonderful day! My numbers at work were fantastic, and I found out that I was #1 yesterday. I woke up and did yoga and this chakra threading exercise/meditation that was in my email. I didn't expect much but I was open to anything, and I DID notice a difference! I went to counseling at 3, and I noticed I was calm and peaceful.
Normally, when I'm happy or euphoric, I'm also twitchy and fidgety. I speak too quickly and my mind is racing. If I'm slowed down, I'm usually somewhat somber. Today was different -- I felt elated, but not to the point of grandiosity. I just felt...connected, I guess. I felt RIGHT. Like Baby Bear's porridge. I felt aware, self-assured, and unafraid. It was a great feeling and I intend to do whatever it takes to maintain it. I almost feel like I finally broke through some wall I've been chipping at for the past year. Or like I've been climbing this steep hill on a bicycle all this time and I finally hit the part where I get to start coasting down the other side. I don't know how to tell you that I know, but I am filled with this certainty that now I know, there really is no going back.
The frustrating part is that this realization is internal. While the circumstances of my life definitely reflect my dedication to change and persistence in achieving my goals, there are those who remain skeptical. In their defense, I definitely understand their hesitance. Part of it, I think, is that the story we all told ourselves is that I'm not capable and will never make any sustainable change. I think we all got so attached to this story that even when shown evidence proving it is false, we stick our heads in the sand and pretend we do not see what is happening. We don't know how to reconcile this information which conflicts with our long held preconceived notions. I say we, but I no longer belong to that group. One day, a light bulb went on and I realized that my fate is NOT determined. I decide my future. I make the choices which create it. And now look at me :)
I can't pretend it doesn't hurt a little when those near and dear to me refuse to acknowledge that I have made any progress. I mean, at this point it's a bit ridiculous. I'm not sure what more they expect me to do...become elected president? Sacrifice my first born son -- oh, wait, nevermind. That's pretty much what they DO want from me, isn't it?
Well I'm driving this bus, and no one else is taking the wheel. Meeting with Sue today instilled me with the confidence I needed to make a plan and take action. My son is coming to live with me at the end of the school year, period. They can either cooperate or fight, it makes no difference to me. If I need to get a lawyer, I'll get a lawyer. I don't care what hoop they throw at me, I'm jumping through it and landing in a roundoff double back handspring with my EYES CLOSED. Of course I'm hoping they do cooperate. But I'm tired of feeling bullied, silenced, put off, brushed aside. My voice will be heard, and my son will come home.
I don't want to sound like I'm preparing for battle, because in my heart of hearts, that's not the outcome I'd prefer. Everything feels like a battle lately, and it shouldn't. I'm tired of it. I love my family, I love what they've done for my son, I appreciate them. I don't think there's anything so wrong with expecting that they cooperate with their end of the agreement. I shouldn't have to demand it. But if it comes down to it, I will. If it comes down to the worst, I'm prepared for that too. The money from my commission checks will easily accommodate a lawyer. I'd prefer to save it for daycare for when Tristan comes home, but I'll be ready. Sue said she'd testify on my behalf. Lori from the YWCA will testify on my behalf. Employment, counseling, transportation, drug free, no loser boyfriend or roommate, insurance on Tristan as of December 1. I can take that courtroom by storm, and I'm not afraid to do it. The truth always wins and I'm not afraid of them anymore. BRING IT!!!!!!!
And even if I lose, because of course we all know what happens when we become attached to a particular outcome -- disappointment, then suffering. I do acknowledge that Tristan's path may not lead him to my doorstep at this point in time. I will at least be able to take comfort in knowing that I did all I could, and I'll accept if it just isn't meant to happen at this time. Does that mean I'll give up? Never. A child needs to know that their parent will never abandon them, never give up on them. I've made a lot of mistakes in life and there aren't many things I can say for sure, but one is that I will continue to give 110% to give my kids the very best of what I have to offer them. Ride or die, baby :)
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