So today is over, and that is cause for celebration! I was so nervous about my mock call, I didn't even eat anything today. I slept most of the day away, didn't do yoga, didn't hoop dance, and almost just didn't go to work. At the end of the day, though, I tied with Ashley for the top score on the mock call. Who would've guessed??? My confidence in myself has been completely restored.
Right now I'm eating alphabet soup....ohhhhh yeah, I'm awesome. It's actually "Vegetarian Vegetable" soup, but it has the alphabet noodles. I just grabbed a random spoonful to see if I could spell anything but it just said "MFDY". Maybe I already ate all the vowels. ;)
So check this out. This is the coolest part of this day. I was taking a nap before work, and it was one of those weird naps where I fell instantly into a deep, intense dream state and snapped right back out of it completely within minutes. I was transported instantly to the dream, which played out a quick, vivid scene, and then snapped right back to reality.
I closed my eyes, when I opened them I was in my dream, on my back. Emmanuel was trying to kiss me, but there was someone in the way. A person was on top of me and she wouldn't move. I looked up and saw...ME. I was frustrated that she wouldn't move and she looked apologetic. She whispered, "Sorry," and really looked sad for me. Then she said, "Hi. I'm your insecurity." And immediately I woke up.
That's pretty deep, right? Here's the thing, though. Because you're my blog and I tell you everything, I'm going to be completely point-blank honest about how I feel about this whole thing. On one hand, yes, I refuse to let him (or anyone) close enough to hurt me, while I simultaneously desperately long for that closeness. But to be fair, just because I am skittish and wary and suspicious doesn't mean that he is WORTHY of trust. While it's true that I'm quick to assume he'll hurt me, that doesn't mean he WON'T! I could be RIGHT! And the thing is, I think he will.
Maybe I'm being unfair in my assumptions, but regardless, I don't think I'm wrong. I would say there's a good possibility that I am getting played, that I have been (or will be) lied to, and that he is just the same as every other guy I have ever dealt with. Who knows how many girls he's talking to. Who knows what he's telling them. And honestly, does he REALLY think I believe him when he says, "Oh, I was sleeping when you called. Oh, it was loud in the bar. Oh, I missed your call and now I'm on the phone with this pastor and I can't call you back." Yeah right. The deeper I get into this, the harder it will be to get out. I've already started to catch feelings and I can't think straight anymore.
And why is he showing up in my dreams already anyway? Usually that doesn't happen until 6 months into a steady relationship, and we've only met twice. And what the hell does this tarot reading mean that I did today? The outcome was the Prince of Staves, which would tell me he's suddenly IN, with passion and enthusiasm, and he'll just as suddenly be OUT, which just as much enthusiasm, and probably for someone else. Definitely a warning sign, a short, intense fire. But the advice card...I got 8 of Swords. How can that be advice? What does that even MEAN? I totally don't get it. I guess I'll do some research and figure it out.
Well, I'm done with my soup and it's time for my wine. RIP to another bottle.
Wait. Hold up. Let me amend this entry because I have an earth-shattering discovery. So, I just said I was going to do research on the 8 of Swords because it doesn't make sense as an advice card. This is a card of bondage, trapped helplessness, being stuck. So why would anyone give me the advice to "get stuck"? See what I mean?
So, I plugged it into Google: "8 of Swords as advice". The first hit I got, I will include the link below. It's CRAAAAAZY!
Eight of Swords - Your "ego" represents the non-trusting, doubting, over-analytical part of your mind which is unable to make any decisions - always feeling very restricted, experiencing hurt or anxiety. Recognize now that your vision has been blocked because of the fear you feel "inside" - it is creating confusion.
Trying to battle more than one issue at a time will always create indecision and cause you to waste precious energy on minor details. You are unable to think clearly now - you need help and sensible advice. Pull back now, go deep inside - seek peace and allow your "inner" voice to direct you. Stop believing you will be swamped by your emotions if you take a step toward your goals - recognize that you have done this to yourself and begin to focus on developing your potentials. Stop fearing success and power - accept the beast within you. See your abilities clearly and loose your passions - you have restrained yourself from activity long enough, avoiding the present by trying to convince yourself that there are no alternatives. These beliefs keep you hemmed in - they always provide reasons why nothing will work.
The objective, conscious mind reaches the limits of the lower "ego", which under the impact and pull of the higher emotions and compassion - realizes that to achieve even its most personal and self-oriented goals it must advance to a more mature "Ego" which encompasses more of the Universal Mind. The mind has opened to include extensions of the personal self with a mate and children and a widening circle of close friends. Now the circle must open even further. A variety of new challenges are presented with increased demands from your mental Karmic Contract. Your first reaction is to close your eyes to the magnitude of the tasks. Greater responsibility.
The mind's role in organizing is challenged by the higher order of consciousness realized as the higher emotions' compassion and universal love bring new sensations, new data that defies rationalization. To rationalize this new process is precisely what the mind must do. With this greater ability to see the extent of order in the above, so grows the ability to see the extent of disorder in the below. The effect of the combination of the lower mental levels. Creative fruitation and self-assured expression in which the lower ego is pulsing with its potential and must pair with the maturing process of uncertainty and freedom that undergirds free will.
Questions to Answer: What actions, plans or ideas are being blocked by circumstances beyond your control? What would you like to do if you could get rid of the obstacles and blocks? Who or what could assist you to break free? What benefits do you receive by not acting? What is interfering with your creative expressions? Or your ability to communicate?
http://www.crystal-reflections.com/tarot2/rider/eight_s.htm
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