I was taking soooooooooo long trying to figure out what to title this. It's 2:30 in the morning, I want to talk about a lot, and I can't think of lyrics right off the bat that fit. So, I'll do that later. For now...let me talk about this weekend!
So, I met this guy. We went to Barnes & Noble and sat in the coffee shop, just talking for HOURS. I can't remember the last time I had one of those endless, deep, philosophical conversations with. I felt my mind expanding, it felt like home. It was amazing to meet someone who thinks about the same things I do. I had a chai, he had a cappuccino. I was supposed to go up to the club with Jason and Lisa, but we got back to his place and got to talking and I didn't leave until after 11.
I made sure to conduct myself like a proper lady, because I know what I've done in the past doesn't work. I wanted a different result, so I tried to take a different approach. It's hard when, for 15 years, you have a certain way of interacting with the opposite (or same) sex on a date. It becomes a ritual or pattern of behaviors, which I found difficult to break. The first date with someone is always sexually charged. There is flirtation, innuendo, touching, laughing, etc which goes almost like a script every time with little variance. And it always ends the same -- naked. I found myself at a loss for what to do. I knew what NOT to do or say, but I couldn't figure out what I should replace it with. I felt like I was in unfamiliar territory because I didn't follow the usual routine, but I felt very proud of myself for keeping things nonsexual.
I got home and we talked on the phone for a while. I made plans to see him today. I almost didn't go, something felt different. In the end, though, he seemed like he really wanted me to come. Since it felt like he truly desired my company, I felt safe and I went. We talked more, but there was a different energy. I have never felt an energy like his and I can't explain it. I don't know if it's good or if it's bad. I don't feel any fear or warnings, my gut isn't distressed, but I also don't feel that infatuated high. I did try very hard to keep myself rational because I don't want to lose my head. I like him a lot, I love our conversations. He's very attractive and intelligent. I just don't know what I felt. Like I said, it wasn't good or bad. He touched my hand and I didn't feel like a horny tingle (sorry, TMI) but I did feel a warmth spreading through my chest. I felt chemistry, but not in the way I'm used to feeling it. It confused me. I'm still confused. I think he's guarding himself, I don't know.
Anyway, I held it all in and kept myself contained. He kissed me when I left to go to sister circle, and I liked it. It felt good, it felt right, but again...didn't strike that impulse to tear his clothes off and satisfy our carnal desires together. It wasn't like that. I don't know WHAT it was. He asked me what it felt like, and I couldn't describe it.
Anyway, then I went to the sister circle. It was so nice to be among these beautiful women again. It's been so long, but it didn't feel like any time had passed at all. We drank tea, smudged each other, had a discussion about the sacred uses of marijuana, and branched off into other random but meaningful conversations. I always feel like I bond with my sisters in such a deep and heartfelt way when we gather. I am so thankful for them. I am so happy to have them in my life. I feel renewed, elevated, spiritually nourished. We are doing a women's sweat lodge retreat on November 30 and I can't wait, I already know it will be life-changing.
After the circle, I went back to his house. I may choose to share his name at a later date, but I don't really know where things are heading at this point in time. I don't have any expectations, I'm trying very hard to just take each day as it comes and for what it's worth. I got back there and we were talking, then I took my glasses off to do something. At that moment, he completely took me by surprise and started kissing me. I was stimulated, and responsive, but it wasn't like I was overrun by hormones. I guess the best way to describe his energy and the way I felt when we were touching is calm and peaceful. It was a warm feeling, but not a manic primal HOT feeling. Again, I don't know what it means. It wasn't that I wasn't into it, I was. I was totally focused on what was happening and -- I THINK I JUST GOT IT NOW -- I was present.
That was totally it, too. I just put my finger on it. Instead of looking forward to an expected end result, and working myself up in anticipation of what I thought was to come, I just stayed in each moment. I enjoyed the kisses on their own, and took them for what they were, rather than fantasizing about the sex I imagined would come next. When we were touching, my mind was with the touching, not wondering about the things that hadn't happened yet. Wow, mindfulness really DOES make sex different. It sets a more relaxed pace where you enjoy every step of the process for what it is, not as a means to an end.
So yeah, of course, we did sleep together. I have had sex a few times since Noe and I ended, but this is the first time I can say I was actually satisfied. I mean, it wasn't just physical, I don't mean that. I mean that I felt good AFTER it was over, not just during. I didn't just tolerate it, I enjoyed it. THAT is what I wanted.
I don't know what's going to happen next. I don't care, things are going to unfold the way that they are meant to. If I'm not meant to ever see him again, okay. If we are destined for friendship, okay. I am not attached to any particular outcome. I just know that this weekend was definitely a success in my book. :)
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