Well, I went to counseling today and that went well. I still talk too much and I'm trying to be more conscious of my motor mouth. I did better than I did at my first session but I still left kicking myself for rudely interrupting and talking over Sue. I hope she doesn't take it personally or hold it against me. I try, I really do. I can say I'm making progress, though, and that's all I can really expect of myself.
That applies to work as well. Sometimes I get off a phone call and start immediately criticizing myself for all the mistakes I made. When I look at it differently, though, I realize that I have learned something every day and am continuing to grow in my knowledge and skills. I trust that I will get there.
I had a great weekend with the kids! It was short, as always, but for the first time I didn't get the Sunday (or Monday) blues. I realized that the depression that sets in after they go home has more to do with regrets about things I wish I had done better. I'll think about all the stupid things I yelled at them for, or the times they asked me to play with them and I refused. When they're here, sometimes I feel like we have all the time in the world, and we don't. This time I made sure to stay calm and present, and we made the most of the weekend. When it was over, I had no regrets -- I felt like it had been a complete success. I packed Tristan's lunch for Monday and even put a little note in it for him. I also woke up early Monday morning and made him a scrambled egg and sausage breakfast burrito. I just love those special moments.
Even Jewel surprised me when she asked if I was on a day shift yet because she is sad that she hardly ever gets to see me. It warmed my heart but it also made me a little sad. Those two mean the whole world to me. Part of me feels like I wish I could turn back time and do things right so we could be together every day, but the other part of me knows that if I hadn't made the mistakes I did, I wouldn't be the same person today. Maybe that was exactly what it took for me to discover my deep love and affection for them, and if that's the case, I am grateful for it.
Speaking of gratitude, I am filled with it today. I am grateful that my car door shut. (Last night, it was so cold that it wouldn't latch shut. I ended up driving all the way home while holding it tightly...let's just say, through the S curves on the highway, that was a bit harrowing!) I am grateful that we had blue skies and puffy white clouds. I am grateful that I found a counselor with whom I connect so well and who approaches things from a perspective I can relate to. I am thankful that Tristan got to go ice skating tonight.
Emmanuel called me. I really thought I would never hear from him again. I'm not sure what I was expecting, or what I had assumed. All I know is that I was completely off base. He throws me off because I can't get a good read on him, so automatically I jump to the conclusion that he is hiding something or blocking his energy. My experience in situations like that in the past has been....ummmmm....LESS than favorable. I have a million reasons why I stopped talking to him, and I gave him at least four of them on the phone tonight. The common denominator throughout all of them, though, was self-protection. I wish I had protected myself better in the past. Perhaps I am overcompensating for it now by automatically assuming the worst. I don't know, but I'm very confused!
On one hand, I want to talk to him and spend time with him and enjoy his presence. On the other hand, though, I don't want to make myself be vulnerable or get enmeshed in a situation that may be unhealthy for me and difficult to get free of. The thing about me is, I'm all or nothing. Either I keep up a wall and stay in my little box, safe and untouchable, or I open myself up completely. I don't think he understands, I'm holding myself back for both of our sakes. Once I allow myself to care, it always ends up being too much. I just don't know what to do. I can't afford to make another mess out of my life.
I'm sorry but I'm so extremely tired. I really need to get some sleep. And PS, the full moon is coming, and so is my period. It should be (as always) an interesting few days. The full moon dreams already started last night -- I had a very vivid one of giving birth to twins, a boy and a girl. I was then tandem nursing them and so happy and filled with love, but after a few days (I don't remember the reason) I realized that I could not take care of them and wasn't sure what to do. I thought about asking Sienna's parents if they would adopt them, but I was concerned about the bonding time we had shared, worried that they would grow up emotionally scarred and feeling abandoned. I couldn't figure out if it would be better to keep them with me or if they would understand. It was weird. I hope I don't actually end up pregnant with twins, though...eeek!
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