This ain't the girl you used to know, no not anymore...

I'm a little tired tonight because it's already 3:30 and I'm just getting started.  I went and posted a review for Juliea on her doula page, and I tend to get a little wordy so it went a little long.  It's true to form, though -- at work, my average call length is longer than anyone else's on the team.  I pride myself in using 1,000 words to say what the average person could express in 10.  ;)

Everything today is FREAKING AMAZING!!  Making good choices and having a heart filled with gratitude are shaping my life, day by day, in spectacular new ways.  I feel like a new woman.  

First, Sienna's birth father contacted me on that dating website last night.  He made no attempt to disguise himself and I did reply to his first message.  He claimed to only want to know how Sienna was doing, so I provided a brief update.  We chatted for a minute and joked around, and I felt a little conflicted about even going down that path.  I knew it was wrong.  Then, he asked how Tristan was doing and I told him that he should be back with me by the end of the school year.  Immediately the nasty insults, assumptions, and discouragement began.  He told me I needed to get my shit together, accused me of focusing on everything but my kids, and at first I was baited and felt the need to defend myself.

But wait.  He doesn't know me anymore.  He can say whatever he wants to -- primarily because he knows what buttons to push.  But I don't have to listen to it, nor do I need to explain myself to HIM, of all people!  I know what I've done and I know what I'm about, where the hell has he been since June?  Nowhere even close enough to my life to be qualified to form an opinion about it.  

He doesn't know that I go to counseling every week, that I got my own place in Tristan's school district, that I got a steady well-paying job through which I have insurance on Tristan, that I have been to his field trip, conferences, and every single class party he has had.  He doesn't have any clue about my plan to save my commission checks in order to afford daycare, or if need be, a lawyer when the school year ends.  He is unaware that I already informed Rachel that Tristan would be returning home on the first day of summer vacation, or that my counselor offered to speak on my behalf if we need to go to court.  He doesn't know that I have already touched base with the CPS worker handling the guardianship in order to find out what I need to do to get him back.  How would he know that I have no roommate, no boyfriend, no drugs, no distractions?  He wouldn't, he doesn't, and his opinion means less to me than a Canadian penny.  (Sorry, it's really late, not so good with the analogies at this moment...)

Anyway, so I deleted my account on the website.  It takes two to tango, and I don't feel like dancing.  Get on with your sorry self, and leave me to my life which is a million percent better without you in it.  I knew at that moment that I was a stronger woman than I once was, because there was a point in time where I felt powerless to resist him.  That's bullshit.  

So, this morning on the way to work, I got a Facebook message from Sienna's mom telling me that they were chosen for this adoption finalization thing in their county to celebrate November which is apparently adoption month.  I am so happy for them, and they totally deserve it.  I looked up the article about them and it brought a tear to my eye.  The whole family looks perfect and happy and right, and I am so proud and so blessed to have been a part of making that happen.  THEN, Juliea informed me that she does have the pictures she took at the birth and she'll give me a disc on Saturday when we do the women's sweat lodge retreat.  I already know what I'm going to do with them, I'm going to make an awesome album photo gift for Sienna and her family as a Christmas gift.  You can do stuff like that with pictures on websites like Snapfish, I think.  I'll check it out, but I'm very excited to see what kind of awesome creation I can come up with.  I just know they'll love it so much, there were pictures of the very first moment Sienna's mom saw her.

Everything is just falling....into....place.  I got ranked #1 in our class which means I get first pick of the available shifts.  Since we're in training, we get whatever everyone else in the call center doesn't want.  So, while it's possible that I may NOT get what I want, I believe there's a great chance I'll get a day shift with weekends off.  Score!  Let me see you stop me NOW!!!  I LOVE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hurt so good, come on baby make it hurt so good...

Yeah, except no.  I hurt so BAD.  I hurt so much that I didn't even want to blog, except that I haven't posted in a few days and I felt the need to update.  (Masochist)  Nah, it's just that I like keeping regular records of what's going on in my life so I can look back and read old entries and appreciate how much progress I have made.

I watched a YouTube video about that today, about bridging the gap.  It was about four minutes, one of these videos that gets sent to my email about the law of attraction, chakra balancing, and myriad other new agey self help topics I really dig and find helpful.  Anywho, this video didn't teach me anything new -- it just reaffirmed the value of my current practice of bridging the past gap.  What that means, the man explained, is that most of us have a goal in mind.  We strive toward that goal, telling ourselves WHEN this happens, THEN I will be happy.  Our happiness is put on hold in anticipation of reaching that goal.  Except when we DO reach that goal, we set a new one.  And once again, delay our happiness until THAT goal is reached.  The end result is that we are always waiting to accomplish the next thing, waiting indefinitely to be happy.

This video suggested looking back two years ago in our lives and appreciating the progress we have made.  To be happy and victorious over the obstacles we have overcome and the successes we have achieved.  The main key, the man said, is gratitude.  Gratitude for everything we have now that we didn't have then.  Everything we know now that we were ignorant of in the past.  The key is to be grateful for how far we have come, and to allow ourselves to be happy NOW.  If not now, then when?  And then, of course, it is still acceptable to set goals.  It's okay to want more, but it's almost sacrilegious not to be thankful for what we already have.  If we aren't happy with what we have now, what makes us think that having more would make a difference?

I have been focusing a lot on gratitude, and I really feel like it is continually allowing the flow of abundance into my life.  My day started off to a rough start.  I was running late for work and I was afraid I'd get fired -- the highway was closed going north, the roads were icy, and traffic was backed up in town for about a half hour.  Still, in that moment, I managed to be grateful.  I accepted that I would be late and let it go, focusing on the beauty of the snow.  I got to work and was so lucky to be let off with a warning.  I remembered to be thankful for that.  Then, my first call was my best one yet!  The night ended with another first, a customer compliment.  You can't let little failures and disappointments get you down, I learned.  You always keep your head up so you can see the next blessing coming your way.

I don't want to be negative or focus on the bad, but life isn't ALWAYS sunshine and rainbows.  The downside to my night is that I hurt so very, incredibly, unbelievably bad.  Everyone at work thinks I have the flu, but I honestly think this is the worst case of arthritis I could ever have imagined.  My mind thinks I'm 20, but my body feels like it's 80.  My knees and my hips are radiating some excruciating pain and I am in complete agony.  Still, though, I told myself that I am grateful to HAVE legs.  I'd be lying if I said I'd love them more if they didn't hurt, though.  Is it the sub-zero weather?  Will I be on a steady diet of Ibuprofen all winter?  Is there any relief?  Yoga is supposed to be the wonder cure for all that ails you, except I wonder if it is actually aggravating my aches and pains.  I don't want to stop, but I need to do some research on natural ways to combat this.

The weekend, though, was great!  I got to hang out with the kids and we had a lot of fun.  We had a dance party, played restaurant, and watched movies with popcorn.  One movie we watched, Turbo, actually made me tear up a little.  The message was great, too -- no dream is too big, and no dreamer too small.  

I ordered some of their Yule presents and explained winter solstice to them a little better than I did last year.  Instead of taking the "Us vs. Them" mentality (the pagans had their holidays and the Christians came and stole them from us, JERKS!) I decided that I wanted to cultivate a more tolerant, compassionate attitude in my children.  Even though this may not be exactly what happened, I chose to tell them that ancient civilizations used to celebrate winter solstice, the shortest  night of the year.  After that day, the sun "came back to life" and grew stronger and stronger every day, making for longer and longer days until midsummer.  Then, after Jesus was born (which happened probably in April) they decided to celebrate his birthday around the same time of year so that everyone could celebrate their holidays together at the same time.  

It might not be entirely accurate, but I discovered that for quite a few years I held quite a chip on my shoulder toward all Christians in general.  I have realized that they are all just people, like everyone else.  There are some good and some bad.  Any belief system can be used for good or for bad, and as long as it empowers you and makes you feel close to the source, we should honor and respect each other on our individual path.  The people I have met at work have really contributed to my change of heart.  Mike, Lori, Brian, and Brenda are all Christians.  Yet they would be the first to help anyone who needed it, out of the pure kindness of their hearts.  They are all so kind and positive.  

Brian invited anyone in the class who didn't have a place to go for Thanksgiving to his house.  Brenda is always going out of her way to put a smile on someone else's face, whether by buying someone the pop tart she saw them eyeing in the vending machine or offering to share her lunch.  Mike tonight, out of the blue, offered to give me his extra Christmas tree -- the kids are going to be so happy!  How did he know to ask me?  How did he know I didn't have one?  Our differences don't matter to me, and they certainly don't seem to matter to them.  How ignorant of me to assume that they would judge me for being different when I was the one judging all along.  I guess it's true that the advice we give most to others is often the advice we should be heeding ourselves.  

I figured out what the kids and I are going to do for gifts this year, and it's going to be awesome!  I'm so excited!  The next time I have them, we are going to go to one of those paint your own pottery places.  You choose a piece, paint it, and they fire it up for you to be ready in a week.  Soooo, we are going to do cookie jars.  THEN, we are going to fill them with homemade cookies!  I am also working on some poetry and found a few good books for sale on the Hay House website.  If it weren't for the snow, I'd be loving this holiday season!

Zippadee doo da, zippadee eh, my oh my what a wonderful day!

You can tell I was too lazy to give much thought to song lyrics today.  But it IS a wonderful day!  My numbers at work were fantastic, and I found out that I was #1 yesterday.  I woke up and did yoga and this chakra threading exercise/meditation that was in my email.  I didn't expect much but I was open to anything, and I DID notice a difference!  I went to counseling at 3, and I noticed I was calm and peaceful.  

Normally, when I'm happy or euphoric, I'm also twitchy and fidgety.  I speak too quickly and my mind is racing.  If I'm slowed down, I'm usually somewhat somber.  Today was different -- I felt elated, but not to the point of grandiosity.  I just felt...connected, I guess.  I felt RIGHT.  Like Baby Bear's porridge.  I felt aware, self-assured, and unafraid.  It was a great feeling and I intend to do whatever it takes to maintain it.  I almost feel like I finally broke through some wall I've been chipping at for the past year.  Or like I've been climbing this steep hill on a bicycle all this time and I finally hit the part where I get to start coasting down the other side.  I don't know how to tell you that I know, but I am filled with this certainty that now I know, there really is no going back.  

The frustrating part is that this realization is internal.  While the circumstances of my life definitely reflect my dedication to change and persistence in achieving my goals, there are those who remain skeptical.  In their defense, I definitely understand their hesitance.  Part of it, I think, is that the story we all told ourselves is that I'm not capable and will never make any sustainable change.  I think we all got so attached to this story that even when shown evidence proving it is false, we stick our heads in the sand and pretend we do not see what is happening.  We don't know how to reconcile this information which conflicts with our long held preconceived notions.  I say we, but I no longer belong to that group.  One day, a light bulb went on and I realized that my fate is NOT determined.  I decide my future.  I make the choices which create it.  And now look at me :)

I can't pretend it doesn't hurt a little when those near and dear to me refuse to acknowledge that I have made any progress.  I mean, at this point it's a bit ridiculous.  I'm not sure what more they expect me to do...become elected president?  Sacrifice my first born son -- oh, wait, nevermind.  That's pretty much what they DO want from me, isn't it?

Well I'm driving this bus, and no one else is taking the wheel.  Meeting with Sue today instilled me with the confidence I needed to make a plan and take action.  My son is coming to live with me at the end of the school year, period.  They can either cooperate or fight, it makes no difference to me.  If I need to get a lawyer, I'll get a lawyer.  I don't care what hoop they throw at me, I'm jumping through it and landing in a roundoff double back handspring with my EYES CLOSED.  Of course I'm hoping they do cooperate.  But I'm tired of feeling bullied, silenced, put off, brushed aside.  My voice will be heard, and my son will come home.

I don't want to sound like I'm preparing for battle, because in my heart of hearts, that's not the outcome I'd prefer.  Everything feels like a battle lately, and it shouldn't.  I'm tired of it.  I love my family, I love what they've done for my son, I appreciate them.  I don't think there's anything so wrong with expecting that they cooperate with their end of the agreement.  I shouldn't have to demand it.  But if it comes down to it, I will.  If it comes down to the worst, I'm prepared for that too.  The money from my commission checks will easily accommodate a lawyer.  I'd prefer to save it for daycare for when Tristan comes home, but I'll be ready.  Sue said she'd testify on my behalf.  Lori from the YWCA will testify on my behalf.  Employment, counseling, transportation, drug free, no loser boyfriend or roommate, insurance on Tristan as of December 1.  I can take that courtroom by storm, and I'm not afraid to do it.  The truth always wins and I'm not afraid of them anymore.  BRING IT!!!!!!!

And even if I lose, because of course we all know what happens when we become attached to a particular outcome -- disappointment, then suffering.  I do acknowledge that Tristan's path may not lead him to my doorstep at this point in time.  I will at least be able to take comfort in knowing that I did all I could, and I'll accept if it just isn't meant to happen at this time.  Does that mean I'll give up?  Never.  A child needs to know that their parent will never abandon them, never give up on  them.  I've made a lot of mistakes in life and there aren't many things I can say for sure, but one is that I will continue to give 110% to give my kids the very best of what I have to offer them.  Ride or die, baby :)

If you want to destroy my sweater, pull this thread as I walk away, watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked, lying on the floor, lying on the floor, I've come undone...

Oh dear goddess I swear on the full moon and my precious children and all that is holy, I CAN.NOT.BE.PREGNANT!  Okay I know I'm probably just overreacting.  I HOPE.  Because, see, ovulation/fertility normally occurs 2 weeks before you get your "monthly gift".  I get mine on the full moon, which means I ovulate on the new moon.  I have had all the normal PMS symptoms, so I wasn't worried, but the full moon was yesterday and it isn't here yet.  Not necessarily a cause for concern, except for two things -- I started puking my guts out tonight, and I DID have sex right ON the new moon.

Now, I'm no fool.  We used protection and I have to think the chances are extremely slim that this is morning sickness.  I do get symptoms before my period that mimic pregnancy sometimes, such as nausea.  I mean, I've been crampy, hungry, and bitchy.  I'm probably just hyper-conscious because I'm sick.  And because I had sex two weeks ago.  But seriously, let's play devil's advocate...what if I AM?  Shit, that would be THE WORST EVER!  I can NOT have a baby with Emmanuel.  It just can't happen.  Not only that, but I was at our family holiday gathering yesterday and my sister told me that she and my mother had come to the conclusion that Holly and I broke up.

I was caught off guard, unsure of how to answer.  My family is pretty conservative, and although I'm sure they have their suspicions about me, may not accept my involvement in same sex relationships.  I just decided to be honest, though -- I mean, really, what else have I got to lose?  I told her the truth and to my great shock, she didn't judge me or shoot me a disapproving glare or any of that.  I was really surprised that she seemed relatively accepting.  That gives me a whole new level of freedom and security in knowing that whatever healthy relationship I pursue, I may have my family's support.  That really changes things.  But this...oh, this could REALLY throw a wrench in the works.  I'm going to try not to get too worked up because it's only one day.  Crossing my fingers...

In other news, Sienna's parents updated her picture on  their Facebook page and added a family photo.  I think of all the research I did, and all the people I talked to, and all my fears and worries about whether I was doing the right thing.  At the end of the day, though, decisions should be based on what you feel in your heart and what brings you a feeling of peace regardless of what anyone tells you, studies and testimonies, research and doubts, any of it.  After 8 months, it feels like the hardest part of the grief process is over.  I have surrendered, and accepted, and whenever I see her pictures it reinforces that peaceful certainty that things are just as they should be.  Sometimes, even the right path gets bumpy.  Sometimes, even the best decision is hard.  Sometimes the biggest blessings still come with a side of sadness, but the trick is identifying the root of the feeling and understanding the difference between grief and regret.  Parting with a loved one hurts, regardless of the circumstances.  Recognizing that while accepting that of my available options, it was still the best one, is helpful. 

I feel so much love and appreciation for them in being exactly the parents I hoped they would be, and loving her just as I hoped they would.  I see the family they have made together and there is no doubt in my mind that she fits.  And she belongs.  And I'm okay with that.

I'm about to enjoy a glass of Menage Trois wine.  My mom gave me the whole bottle yesterday because she had bought it and didn't like it.  It's a blend of cabernet, merlot, and zinfandel.  The only thing that would make it better would be if it were cabernet, merlot, and shiraz...but it's still very delicious.  Good night, all, and happy full moon!

Cuando la vida es una, Hay que vivirla mas, Es como una aventura, Que tienes que bailar...

Last night was so crazy...I'm surprised I didn't blog about it, but I was just really tired when I got home.  Well, that's not exactly true.  I stayed up until 4 AM, so I wasn't TIRED, I just wasn't in the mood for blogging.  

Anyway, first I went and volunteered in Tristan's class for his camping day thing.  Rachel volunteered too and took him to counseling afterwards.  He was really happy to see me there and he wrote a note that said, "I love you and I miss you a lot.  I wish I could live with you.  I will see you next weekend.  Love, your son Tristan."  

Nowwwwwwwwwww, I must admit that I had a momentary temptation to take a picture of it and post it on Facebook.  See, last year on Mother's Day, Tristan's idiot teacher must have become confused about the definition of "MOTHER", and incorrectly assumed that it was the same thing as "AUNT".  

It wouldn't have pissed me off so much if she had told Tristan to do something special for her to acknowledge her unique role in his life (which, again, is NOT as his mother) but instead she had him make the same exact Happy Mother's Day project for her that he made for me.  It wasn't really appropriate, because it said "My mom is as pretty as a _____, as smart as a ______" and some other stuff.  Point being, she's not his mom.  

Anyway, she decided to pull a really bitchy move by taking a picture of it and posting it on Facebook.  So what?  I got one too, and I'm his ACTUAL mother.  Just because his teacher forced him to make one for you doesn't mean a damn thing so shut UP!

Sorry.  I am really working on releasing all my anger and resentment.  Sue said that I scored high for hostility on this little assessment she gave me, which surprised me at first, but then I thought about stuff like this.  I present a calm and peaceful exterior, but inside I'm tangled knots of seething rage.  I'm not angry at EVERYONE -- mostly just Rachel.  They've been lying to me and manipulating me this whole time, and of course I know it!  That's what makes it the most frustrating, is that I KNEW I was being played by them, but what choice did I have?  

I wanted what was best for my son and I felt powerless to do anything else.  At the time first grade was due to begin, I was bringing home $600 a month and FOC decided it was appropriate to take $300 of that in child support (even though the amount I am ordered to pay is $170, but I guess they get to double that if you're behind, because...you know....when you've been off work for a while and get behind on child support, you have all this EXTRA money coming out of your ass when you return to the work force...)  Anyway, I didn't have a backpack for him, or shoes, or school clothes...NOTHING.  

I still remember that day vividly, Tristan and I both standing on Jason and Lisa's porch crying while my brother took him home with him.  I was promised repeatedly they would "never dream of taking him", but I always had a sinking feeling that I was in for a big battle.  Oh,  this is temporary, we want to start a family of our own, taking your son is the last thing we'd ever do, blah blah blah.  But I knew.  I think they expected that I'd just give up, stop fighting.  I think they thought I'd stay with Noe and keep making bad choices.  I think they expected this to be EASY -- well, that's just not going to be the case.  I have limited means and resources and I have no lawyer, so I may be relatively powerless now, but I'm a great mother and there is no reason on Goddess' green earth that my son shouldn't come back home.  If they get custody, it's only a matter of time before I get a lawyer and come back with a vengeance.  

So, yeah, I got off track (surprise).  But you can understand how I was really, really, REALLY tempted to take a picture of that letter that said he wishes he could live with me and post it for the whole world to see.  But the thing is, she loves to provoke me until I react and then call ME the bitch for reacting.  If I lower myself to the same level of bullshit she engages in, I'm no better than her.  And besides, all she would see or understand would be my behavior, never making the connection to her own.  

She loves to make these scathing comments -- like when she said "your son" in quotes as if he isn't REALLY my son, as if living with them for less than two years magically alters his parentage.  She knew that would piss me off, and when it did and I lashed out back at her, all of a sudden she's pointing fingers because I'm "emotionally unstable".  I swear, arguing with her is just like it was to argue with Noe.  She twists around everything you say and makes statements that are baseless and completely untrue just because she knows they'll irritate me.  Do I want someone as crazy as SHE is raising my son?  Good GOD!  

I think it's hilarious that they have issues with my son lying and they act like they're in a position to punish him for it or correct his behavior...look at the behavior you're modeling!  She lies so much, and I really wonder if she thinks anyone believes her.  For this camping thing at Tristan's school, he told me about it, but there were no papers in his folder.  So I texted Rachel and asked where the rest of his papers were, she said his homework was at her house and never mentioned the camping trip.  Tristan said his teacher had sent home papers about it and that Rachel was going.  So then I told Rachel I was planning on coming to the camping thing at his school and she pretended she didn't know anything about it and asked ME if I knew what time everything was happening.  So then point blank I called her out and told her that Tristan had told me that his teacher had sent home papers and that she had already seen them.  Shit like that, all the time.  I'll try to call him and she'll text me back after he's in bed claiming that her phone had been dead.  Once I tried to call at 7:30, left a message, texted, called my BROTHER at 8, then Facebooked her and she tried to tell me he had gone to bed at 7:30.  I guess because she's such an idiot, she must assume I am too.

Oooh.  Anger.  I didn't even mean to go down this path, and now I'm dredging up all KINDS of hostility.  *deep breath*  Sue says everyone is doing the best they can.  It's hard for me to accept that, that everyone does the best they can from their level of consciousness.  But when I consider my own behavior throughout my entire life, I find that to be true.  So, as hard as it is, I must accept this as the case for everyone I encounter, even those who frustrate me.  But what about people who do evil things?  

Juliea says monsters are made, not born.  The child molester, the rapist, the serial killer -- something happened in their life, okay, maybe they had a bad childhood.  I can't tell you how many men I've dated who had dysfunctional or non-existent relationships with their mothers, or even who had been abused by their mothers.  Does this mean, though, that they are doing the best THEY can from THEIR level of consciousness?  What does it take to reach a person like that?  If they're doing the best they can, what will it take to bring them to a level of consciousness from which they can do better?  The initiative, I believe, must come from within.  Are some, though, so far gone that the little voice inside can no longer be heard?  

Disturbing things I'd rather not ponder.  Yesterday, I was driving home at about 2:30 in the morning and I was going around a curve on the highway.  I was just getting ready to light a cigarette and was in the middle lane, coming up on the person in the right line about to pass them.  I was about 10 feet behind them and I saw them drift toward the wall on the outer edge of their lane.  I slowed down, they were dangerously close.  I wondered what would happen, but I never imagined what I saw next.  All of a sudden, the car flipped, and flipped, and skidded.  It was surreal, like it was happening in slow motion.  It came to a rest, upside down, and I fumbled with my phone to call 911.  I couldn't unlock my phone so I pulled over and put on my hazards.  

The road was empty and I was scared -- was it my responsibility to go check on them, to see if they were okay?  What if they weren't?  What if they were trapped in the car?  How would I get them out?  I called 911 and just sat there, immobilized.  When I saw a motorcyclist stop to assist, I left.  I looked up the news article today to see if they were okay, and it was just one man, a drunk driver.  He's in jail now.  I'm just glad I was in the process of lighting a cigarette, because if I HAD passed them, I might have been caught up in that mess.  Or not.  I don't know but it's fun to say that smoking may have saved my life ;)

I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed, get along with the voices inside of my head, you're trying to save me, stop holding your breath....

Today has been a pretty excellent day.  I woke up and got my hair done, it looks so cute!  She cut off the dead ends, touched up my roots, and put a few bright red streaks in it for me.  I love it.

After my hair was done, I came back home and slept until it was time to go to work.  Soooo, not much to report there.  I did again have some really vivid and intense dreams.  I love full moons for that -- they don't feel like normal dreams.  I feel almost like I am actually in another world, that I am meeting up with old friends on the astral plane.  I can actually FEEL the sensations and think with my conscious mind while experiencing the dream with my subconscious mind.  I always feel that the veil is slightly parted during these times.

When I got to work, the silver hoop earrings I had ordered from Brenda had arrived, so I put them on and they completed my look.  I felt beautiful again and that was a nice feeling.  Things went really well on the phones and everyone in the group was acting crazy.  It almost felt like a Friday, we were all laughing and joking around and just being silly.  Thank goodness tomorrow IS Friday, though.  I'm ready for a break.  :)

I stopped in to the gas station yesterday before work and I saw a sign on the door that said, "Now hiring. 7.50 an hour".  I remembered that it was only two years ago that I was begging for jobs like those -- something, ANYTHING.  I couldn't make my house payment, couldn't afford to put gas in my car to bring my kids anywhere or get to class, couldn't buy toilet paper or mittens for my son or snowpants so he could play on the hill at his school.  It was a miserable time and I was struggling so much -- to imagine that in two short years I went from that to this amazes me.

I realized how lucky I am to be making double the minimum wage, plus commission and benefits.  I feel so blessed that I have tuition reimbursement, vacation time, sick time, paid holidays, and medical coverage.  I think of all the things I can do now -- get my teeth fixed, go back to school, take time off for a family vacation.  I have my own place and I pay rent on time.  I don't have to alternate which bills to skip.  I don't have to feel guilty for getting my hair done.  I made this happen, and I'm so proud of me!

Of course, I acknowledge that the universe accomplished this THROUGH me, I'm not so arrogant as to think my actual ego accomplished anything.  I know it's all a result of living in alignment and manifesting my happiness.  It took work, but most of all, it took a change of thought pattern.  Wayne Dyer is SOOOOO correct when he asserts that when you change your thoughts, you can change your life -- and I am testament to that fact.

Now that I'm here, what do I do next?  The whole world stands open before me.  Of course, my first goals are to get on a day shift and for my son to live with me again and to have more time with my daughter.  Maybe her dad would even be open to joint custody -- anything is possible!  I just need to remember that what I am today is a result of what I did yesterday, so what I am tomorrow depends on what I do today.  I think now that I value the place I'm in right now, I'm more conscious of my behaviors and choices and more selective of the path I'm going to take.

It had to occur to me that I can do whatever I want -- no one is going to ground me, or forbid me, or give me extra chores.  No one is going to send me to bed early (although that DOES sound nice sometimes!) or call my parents.  I am free to make my own choices, but every action has a reaction, and some choices have consequences I'm unwilling to live with.  I've come too far to sabotage my success for some impulsive fun.  I've seen how destructive some things can be, and I choose not to do them because I value myself and my place in life more than I value the temporary thrill of excitement.

I remember the days when I used to party all night and sleep all day.  Call in to work whenever I didn't feel like coming, let friends without driver's licenses drive my car, spend $600 on a Halloween costume, skip paying bills to buy booze instead, take impromptu trips to the strip club and walk home in the middle of the night, rent my basement to people I barely knew and couldn't trust, ride around downtown with a driver who wouldn't think twice to give a prostitute and her pimp a ride, travel around and sleep in 4 star hotel rooms and get room service while my kids spent the weekend with a friend or relative.  I ask myself, was it worth it?  Was I happy?  Would I trade what I have now for that lifestyle?  Not at all.  Sometimes you get the opportunity to do and have everything you thought you wanted, just so you can realize that what you REALLY want is what you already had and failed to appreciate.

It's been a rough few years, but I can tell you one thing -- I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned, and I won't go back.

God knows there’s nothing to gain; Well who am I to deny, we’re both playing the same game...

Today's lyric comes to you from the lovely Tristan Prettyman.  I came across her while I was following YouTube rabbit trails, from Ani DiFranco to Florence + The Machine to The XX to Metric...and somewhere in there, a previously undiscovered gem.  

It's 3 AM and I have to leave here at 8 AM.  Of course, as tired as I was last night...guess what.  WIRED.  Of course!!!  I believe it's a manic phase setting in.  I woke up abnormally early, had intensely vivid sexual dreams, have been talkative and in high spirits, and am nowhere near tired at 3 in the morning.  

I came to a conclusion today.  I will never trust a man.  The biggest reason is....they're all liars!!!!  That's not really a fair statement.  It did occur to me that, in our own little ways, maybe we are ALL liars.  The problem with me is that I am so sensitive to it that I simply can not tolerate it.  I can not survive long in an interaction or relationship which requires me to pretend to believe something that I most assuredly know is not true.  I can FEEL it.  Every time I try to deny it, rationalize it, make excuses for the person, or say I'm just paranoid...my suspicions are ALWAYS validated.  So I'm just going  to put it out there, Emmanuel is as full of shit as any other man and while we may all be full of shit, not everyone can be content with turning a blind eye.  This is my lot in life -- extremely sensitive empath destined to walk the earth alone for all eternity because I will never find an honest soul.

Oh, and I'm not saying I'm completely honest all the time.  I wouldn't trust ME, either.  That's the problem -- I demand the impossible.  Accepting lies makes me too uncomfortable and makes me doubt my standing in another person's life.  If you lie to me once, about one thing, no matter how insignificant -- I will question everything you ever tell me and suspect you of dishonesty until the end of time.

I don't want that.  You don't want that.  Therefore, the decision has been made, and that decision is that I will commit myself to no one, ever.  Period.

I won't keep you, I won't keep you, I won't keep you holding on; If you wait on me I promise you it won't be long...

Damn, I miss a couple days and I feel like there's so much to catch up on.  I've been so tired lately, I just couldn't do anything.  I went a week without yoga, hooping, and for the most part blogging.  My energy isn't back up to full levels but at least I can summon enough to update my blog.

Well, I went to counseling today and that went well.  I still talk too much and I'm trying to be more conscious of my motor mouth.  I did better than I did at my first session but I still left kicking myself for rudely interrupting and talking over Sue.  I hope she doesn't take it personally or hold it against me.  I try, I really do.  I can say I'm making progress, though, and that's all I can really expect of myself.

That applies to work as well.  Sometimes I get off a phone call and start immediately criticizing myself for all the mistakes I made.  When I look at it differently, though, I realize that I have learned something every day and am continuing to grow in my knowledge and skills.  I trust that I will get there.

I had a great weekend with the kids!  It was short, as always, but for the first time I didn't get the Sunday (or Monday) blues.  I realized that the depression that sets in after they go home has more to do with regrets about things I wish I had done better.  I'll think about all the stupid things I yelled at them for, or the times they asked me to play with them and I refused.  When they're here, sometimes I feel like we have all the time in the world, and we don't.  This time I made sure to stay calm and present, and we made the most of the weekend.  When it was over, I had no regrets -- I felt like it had been a complete success.  I packed Tristan's lunch for Monday and even put a little note in it for him.  I also woke up early Monday morning and made him a scrambled egg and sausage breakfast burrito.  I just love those special moments.  

Even Jewel surprised me when she asked if I was on a day shift yet because she is sad that she hardly ever gets to see me.  It warmed my heart but it also made me a little sad.  Those two mean the whole world to me.  Part of me feels like I wish I could turn back time and do things right so we could be together every day, but the other part of me knows that if I hadn't made the mistakes I did, I wouldn't be the same person today.  Maybe that was exactly what it took for me to discover my deep love and affection for them, and if that's the case, I am grateful for it.

Speaking of gratitude, I am filled with it today.  I am grateful that my car door shut.  (Last night, it was so cold that it wouldn't latch shut.  I ended up driving all the way home while holding it tightly...let's just say, through the S curves on the highway, that was a bit harrowing!)  I am grateful that we had blue skies and puffy white clouds.  I am grateful that I found a counselor with whom I connect so well and who approaches things from a perspective I can relate to.  I am thankful that Tristan got to go ice skating tonight.

Emmanuel called me.  I really thought I would never hear from him again.  I'm not sure what I was expecting, or what I had assumed.  All I know is that I was completely off base.  He throws me off because I can't get a good read on him, so automatically I jump to the conclusion that he is hiding something or blocking his energy.  My experience in situations like that in the past has been....ummmmm....LESS than favorable.  I have a million reasons why I stopped talking to him, and I gave him at least four of them on the phone tonight. The common denominator throughout all of them, though, was self-protection.  I wish I had protected myself better in the past.  Perhaps I am overcompensating for it now by automatically assuming the worst.  I don't know, but I'm very confused!  

On one hand, I want to talk to him and spend time with him and enjoy his presence.  On the other hand, though, I don't want to make myself be vulnerable or get enmeshed in a situation that may be unhealthy for me and difficult to get free of.  The thing about me is, I'm all or nothing.  Either I keep up a wall and stay in my little box, safe and untouchable, or I open myself up completely.  I don't think he understands, I'm holding myself back for both of our sakes.  Once I allow myself to care, it always ends up being too much.  I just don't know what to do.  I can't afford to make another mess out of my life.

I'm sorry but I'm so extremely tired.  I really need to get some sleep.  And PS, the full moon is coming, and so is my period.  It should be (as always) an interesting few days.  The full moon dreams already started last night -- I had a very vivid one of giving birth to twins, a boy and a girl.  I was then tandem nursing them and so happy and filled with love, but after a few days (I don't remember  the reason) I realized that I could not take care of them and wasn't sure what to do.  I thought about asking Sienna's parents if they would adopt them, but I was concerned about the bonding time we had shared, worried that they would grow up emotionally scarred and feeling abandoned.  I couldn't figure out if it would be better to keep them with me or if they would understand.  It was weird.  I hope I don't actually end up pregnant with twins, though...eeek!

Honey, I ain't got time to wait on you or fetch your super ball, I've got lots of things I've got to do...

Success!!!!  Life is AWESOME.  Tonight was my first night on the phone, and I didn't do too badly.  I was comfortable talking to customers and felt good about my job, the only areas I could use improvement in are mastery of the system and becoming more familiar with all the things we offer.  Despite that, I still did pretty well and I'm looking forward to going back on Monday.

Brian is paid off, my electric bill is paid, my car insurance is paid, the sweat lodge retreat is paid, and I have enough left to do laundry, buy groceries, and put gas in my car.  I feel totally awesome.  To top it all off, I get to see the kids tomorrow and I miss them so much.  I'm glad I hung in there -- there were a few times I felt like just giving up, but I have to believe in myself.  I can do whatever I think I can do!

I realized something about myself today that I found interesting.  I wonder if I am alone in this, or if everyone shares this odd trait.  Here's the thing -- for anything I do, I have at least three reasons.  I never really know which one is the REAL reason, or if they all play a part in my overall decision, or if I actually have one real reason but I justify my decision but convincing myself it was for another, more acceptable reason.  Does that make sense?  Of course not.  I shall illustrate.

We were all sitting out on the floor where we were getting ready to take calls.  Brian, our trainer, needed to sit in one of the 3 seats that Mike, Kate, and myself were sitting in.  Immediately, I volunteered.  I guess I didn't really register what my reason was, but I felt a bit self-conscious when he pointed out how quickly I had volunteered and teased me about not wanting to sit next to Mike and Kate.  I sat next to Brenda and told her I just didn't want to sit next to Mike because I felt like I would be tempted to ask too many questions.  Then I told Lori that I hadn't wanted to sit next to Brian (which is true, having a trainer sit next to you while you're taking your first few calls is very nerve-wracking).  Then I told Kate that I had done it because I knew that logging off one computer and logging back into another would buy me some time before I had to take my first call.

I didn't lie to anyone, those things were all true.  But I caught myself wondering what my real reason actually was.  I realized I didn't even know!  I notice that I do that a lot.  Like with Holly.  I told Shy that I didn't want to date her because she was married and if her husband made her choose, she'd always (understandably) choose him and I'd be left in the cold.  True.  I told her that I just needed to focus on my kids right now and I'm so one-track-minded  that being in a relationship had diverted too much of my attention.  Also true.  I told Emmanuel that I just hadn't connected with her in the way that I wanted to connect with someone.  True again.  So which is it?  What was the real reason?  I don't think I even know.

The last example is with Emmanuel.  First, I saw that he was in a relationship -- but let's be honest.  You're my blog, and I confide in you no matter what I tell other people.  That wasn't a deal breaker -- I was hoping he'd explain it to my satisfaction and everything would be fine.  Then I told Jason that I didn't think it would work out because he doesn't have a car or his own place.  Yeahhhhh, those are issues...but I really hadn't even written him off completely for that.  I made the decision after the third time he didn't answer my call.  But I quickly decided that I was doing it because he wasn't being real with his girlfriend and it made me worry about what kind of person he really is.  In this case, I think the real reason is rejection, but the rest of the reasons are valid as well.

Maybe the truth is that I just make decisions based on intuition without ever really knowing exactly why.  Then later, observing the situation as if from the outside, I just make best guesses as to what my reason must have been.  I don't think I ever know.  It's weird, isn't it?  In any case, I'm glad I'm following my intuition more these days.  It hasn't let me down yet.  :)

Am I happy, or in misery? Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me...

It's a wonderful night.  I had counseling before work, which really set the stage.  Sue taught me the Adhi mudra, which is both thumbs tucked loosely into your fists which rest palm down on your thighs.  It is for stillness, and it made an amazing change in my demeanor.  Maybe not as drastically as the mudra we did at my last session, but I was much calmer to begin with this time than I was that time.  I explained to her that my energy has been low and she explained that the barometric pressure is low and that most people are feeling similar.  That made me feel better, I was worried about an impending bout of depression.

She also went over left nostril breathing with me, which she recommended to help me calm my nerves when I start to experience anxiety.  I felt like I got a lot out of today's session and left there feeling ready to take on the world -- but in a calm, Zen kinda way.  I talked to her about Emmanuel and expressed my concern that, since he has not officially broken up with his girlfriend in Florida, I was uneasy feeling like I would never know where I stand with him.  She replied, "Well, you kinda DO."  Yeah, she's right.  I totally do.  I guess I'll consider that a bullet dodged.  

Speaking of him, today is the second day I completely ignored him.  At about 9:45 he texted, "I get the hint.  Good luck in life."  I texted back, "Would you have preferred an explanation?"  If he says yes, I am going to reply, "Yeah.  Most people do."  He supposedly thinks he's doing this chick a favor by not hurting her and breaking up with her.  I'm trying to illustrate that when it happens to you, you aren't so grateful for that "favor".  I can't date a man who doesn't have the cojones to be real with somebody.  

Work was fantastic!  I was barely nervous at all when I got there, totally ready to get on the phone, and feeling confident.  I took three calls and they all went great.  I was just so anxious yesterday, but today it was like a night and day difference.  I am actually excited to go to work tomorrow and get on the phone by myself.  Let's DO this!

I paid for my spot at the November 30 sweat lodge women's retreat thing with some of the girls from the sister circle, so it's official.  I am so excited!!  Here's the info:

3) Bring two or three towels you don't mind getting dirty, an old robe is great, some paper and pen, a water bottle, and some work gloves if you want as we carry rocks and build the fire together. Please don't wear any kind of perfume as this get's strong in the sweat lodge!!

4)You are also encouraged to bring a symbol of something that you want to empower in your life right now and a symbol of something you want to release. You will be able to place it on the little nature alter outside of the renewal sweat. This has really been meaningful to women when they bring it home with them and can stay connected with the energy.

5) The renewal sweat ceremony takes place outdoors in the evening. It is a dome shaped structure with a pit in the center to hold hot rocks that are placed in there after we go in. Many women enjoy going in without any clothes as it is completely dark in there once the flap to the doorway is closed. I encourage all women to do what feels comfortable to them - bathing suit, towel, terry wrap...whatever.

Yeah, I'm totally going naked. :) Let's see, what else...oh! So I was driving home tonight and had the exquisite pleasure of jamming out to Jimi Hendrix. I thought, "How lucky am I to catch Purple Haze on the way home?" Then I just started thinking of how lucky I am in general. I remember, not even 3 months ago, hanging out in this apartment with no furniture and no TV. Sitting on the floor with the kids to eat, sharing a twin size air mattress that never stayed inflated throughout the night, hanging out in my car in the McDonald's parking lot to use their WiFi so the kids could play games on my phone. It seems like so long ago! Now I have a table, couch, chairs, computer with desk, cable, internet, and beds for the kids. This is so great! Things are really coming together. I appreciate it all the more because I've really had to work for it and I've been impoverished both financially and emotionally. Everything seems to be flourishing now and I'm really so grateful.

Hey, happy 3:33! I should get some beauty sleep. Hasta manana!

No one's gonna take my soul away, living like Jim Morrison, heading toward a fucked up holiday...

I fucking LOVE Lana del Rey.  And in case it even matters, I became obsessed with her last winter, before anyone else had even heard of her.  Since September they've been playing the crap out of her Summertime Sadness on the top 40 stations, but I've been saying this all along.  This chick is a goddess.  

It's the same with that Awolnation song, "Sail".  I loved it and posted it on my Facebook almost a year ago.  No one commented or said anything, now I hear all kinds of people blasting it in their cars and talking about it on their walls.  I'm like, yeah, I already know.  :)  

Soooo, I was driving home tonight and noticed my kidney hurts a little.  I then realized that I have consumed ZERO water for at least 5 weeks.  Furthermore, at an average of 5 cups of coffee a day for 23 days, I have consumed at least 920 ounces of coffee in the same time frame.  (Plus 2 bottles of wine)  Hmmm.  Maybe I should rectify this situation, since I can't afford  to miss any work to go to the ER with a kidney stone.  Just a thought.  :)

Today was our first day on the phones at work.  We each took two calls with the other two members of our teams listening in.  I'll put this bluntly, I sucked.  It isn't that I don't have the knowledge or the skills, I just freaked the fuck out.  It's okay, though.  Tomorrow will be better.  And when I DO get this stuff down, people better watch out -- I'm going to be unstoppable.  I know that sounds cocky but I feel it.  I definitely have what it takes.  

I messaged Holly on Facebook at lunch.  I haven't talked to Emmanuel all day and don't really plan to.  Rip it off, just like a band-aid.  I made plans to go see Shyloh next weekend and I'm just going to forget all about him.  I didn't like how he invaded my brain and how I felt vulnerable so I just had to shut that DOWN.  Holly is a safer bet...she's sweet, and pretty, and fun to hang out with.  But I'll never be at her mercy.

I had another lazy day.  I'm not really sure what's going on with me.  I'm guessing it's a mild bout of depression setting in -- after all, it IS about the right time of year for that.  My energy at work doesn't seem diminished and my thoughts have not become negative.  I just don't feel like getting out of bed anymore until I have to -- but then, when it's time, it's not a struggle.  I guess I just don't see the point in doing the things I was doing before.  (Loss of interest in things that once gave you pleasure?  Decreased contact with friends and family?  Okay, yeah, but it could be worse.)

It is seriously COLD out there.  My teeth were chattering until I got onto the highway and my heat started to kick in.  I'm really trying to find the silver lining, but honestly, 80 and sunny sounds perfect right about now.  Oh well, I'll get through this winter just like I do every year.  Maybe this year will even be better than the last.  (Hmmm, reminds me of a Counting Crows song...)  Anyway it couldn't possibly be much worse.  Last year at this time, I was still tangled up in that mess AND living in a shelter with 6 or 7 crazy women and a curfew.  I just keep moving forward, eyes on the prize.

I'm hungry, I'm going to make some alphabet soup.  Later!

In the land of gods and monsters, I was an angel,
Living in the garden of evil,
Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed,
Shining like a fiery beacon.
You got that medicine I need,
Fame, liquor, love, give it to me slowly.
Put your hands on my waist, do it softly,
Me and God, we dont get along, so now I sing...

No ones gonna take my soul away,
I'm living like Jim Morrison.
Headed towards a fucked up holiday.
Motel sprees, sprees, and I'm singing,
"Fuck yeah, give it to me, this is Heaven, what I truly want."
It's innocence lost.
Innocence lost.

In the land of gods and monsters, I was an angel,
Lookin' to get fucked hard.
Like a groupie, incognito, posing as a real singer,
Life imitates art.
You got that medicine I need,
Dope, shoot it up, straight to the heart, please.
I don't really wanna know what's good for me.
God's dead, I said, "Baby that's alright with me."

No ones gonna take my soul away,
I'm living like Jim Morrison.
Headed towards a fucked up holiday.
Motel, sprees, sprees, and Im singing,
"Fuck yeah, give it to me, this is Heaven, what I truly want."
It's innocence lost.
Innocence lost.

When you talk, it's like a movie and you're makin' me crazy,
'Cause life imitates art.
If I get a little prettier, can I be your baby?
You tell me, "Life isn't that hard."

No ones gonna take my soul away,
I'm living like Jim Morrison.
Headed towards a fucked up holiday.
Motel, sprees, sprees, and Im singing:
"Fuck yeah, give it to me, this is Heaven, what I truly want."
It's innocence lost.
Innocence lost.

Read more: Lana Del Rey - Gods And Monsters Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

So don't you lock up something that you wanted to see fly...hands are for shaking -- not tying...

So today is over, and that is cause for celebration!  I was so nervous about my mock call, I didn't even eat anything today.  I slept most of the day away, didn't do yoga, didn't hoop dance, and almost just didn't go to work.  At the end of the day, though, I tied with Ashley for  the top score on the mock call.  Who would've guessed???  My confidence in myself has been completely restored.

Right now I'm eating alphabet soup....ohhhhh yeah, I'm awesome.  It's actually "Vegetarian Vegetable" soup, but it has the alphabet noodles.  I just grabbed a random spoonful to see if I could spell anything but it just said "MFDY".  Maybe I already ate all the vowels.  ;)

So check this out.  This is the coolest part of this day.  I was taking a nap before work, and it was one of those weird naps where I fell instantly into a deep, intense dream state and snapped right back out of it completely within minutes.  I was transported instantly to the dream, which played out a quick, vivid scene, and then snapped right back to reality.  

I closed my eyes, when I opened them I was in my dream, on my back.  Emmanuel was trying to kiss me, but there was someone in the way.  A person was on top of me and she wouldn't move.  I looked up and saw...ME.  I was frustrated that she wouldn't move and she looked apologetic.  She whispered, "Sorry," and really looked sad for me.  Then she said, "Hi.  I'm your insecurity."  And immediately I woke up.

That's pretty deep, right?  Here's the thing, though.  Because you're my blog and I tell you everything, I'm going to be completely point-blank honest about how I feel about this whole thing.  On one hand, yes, I refuse to let him (or anyone) close enough to hurt me, while I simultaneously desperately long for that closeness.  But to be fair, just because I am skittish and wary and suspicious doesn't mean that he is WORTHY of trust.  While it's true that I'm quick to assume he'll hurt me, that doesn't mean he WON'T!  I could be RIGHT!  And the thing is, I think he will.  

Maybe I'm being unfair in my assumptions, but regardless, I don't think I'm wrong.  I would say there's a good possibility that I am getting played, that I have been (or will be) lied to, and that he is just the same as every other guy I have ever dealt with.  Who knows how many girls he's talking to.  Who knows what he's telling them.  And honestly, does he REALLY think I believe him when he says, "Oh, I was sleeping when you called.  Oh, it was loud in the bar.  Oh, I missed your call and now I'm on the phone with this pastor and I can't call you back."  Yeah right.  The deeper I get into this, the harder it will be to get out.  I've already started to catch feelings and I can't think straight anymore.  

And why is he showing up in my dreams already anyway?  Usually that doesn't happen until 6 months into a steady relationship, and we've only met twice.  And what the hell does this tarot reading mean that I did today?  The outcome was the Prince of Staves, which would tell me he's suddenly IN, with passion and enthusiasm, and he'll just as suddenly be OUT, which just as much enthusiasm, and probably for someone else.  Definitely a warning sign, a short, intense fire.  But the advice card...I got 8 of Swords.  How can that be advice?  What does that even MEAN?  I totally don't get it.  I guess I'll do some research and figure it out.

Well, I'm done with my soup and it's time for my wine.  RIP to another bottle.  

Wait.  Hold up.  Let me amend this entry because I have an earth-shattering discovery.  So, I just said I was going to do research on the 8 of Swords because it doesn't make sense as an advice card.  This is a card of bondage, trapped helplessness, being stuck.  So why would anyone give me the advice to "get stuck"?  See what I mean?

So, I plugged it into Google: "8 of Swords as advice".  The first hit I got, I will include the link below.  It's CRAAAAAZY!

Eight of Swords - Your "ego" represents the non-trusting, doubting, over-analytical part of your mind which is unable to make any decisions - always feeling very restricted, experiencing hurt or anxiety. Recognize now that your vision has been blocked because of the fear you feel "inside" - it is creating confusion. 

Trying to battle more than one issue at a time will always create indecision and cause you to waste precious energy on minor details. You are unable to think clearly now - you need help and sensible advice. Pull back now, go deep inside - seek peace and allow your "inner" voice to direct you. Stop believing you will be swamped by your emotions if you take a step toward your goals - recognize that you have done this to yourself and begin to focus on developing your potentials. Stop fearing success and power - accept the beast within you. See your abilities clearly and loose your passions - you have restrained yourself from activity long enough, avoiding the present by trying to convince yourself that there are no alternatives. These beliefs keep you hemmed in - they always provide reasons why nothing will work.

The objective, conscious mind reaches the limits of the lower "ego", which under the impact and pull of the higher emotions and compassion - realizes that to achieve even its most personal and self-oriented goals it must advance to a more mature "Ego" which encompasses more of the Universal Mind. The mind has opened to include extensions of the personal self with a mate and children and a widening circle of close friends. Now the circle must open even further. A variety of new challenges are presented with increased demands from your mental Karmic Contract. Your first reaction is to close your eyes to the magnitude of the tasks. Greater responsibility. 

The mind's role in organizing is challenged by the higher order of consciousness realized as the higher emotions' compassion and universal love bring new sensations, new data that defies rationalization. To rationalize this new process is precisely what the mind must do. With this greater ability to see the extent of order in the above, so grows the ability to see the extent of disorder in the below. The effect of the combination of the lower mental levels. Creative fruitation and self-assured expression in which the lower ego is pulsing with its potential and must pair with the maturing process of uncertainty and freedom that undergirds free will.

Questions to Answer: What actions, plans or ideas are being blocked by circumstances beyond your control? What would you like to do if you could get rid of the obstacles and blocks? Who or what could assist you to break free? What benefits do you receive by not acting? What is interfering with your creative expressions? Or your ability to communicate?

http://www.crystal-reflections.com/tarot2/rider/eight_s.htm

Baby, is it sweet, sweet, sweet the sting; Is it real, this infusion? Can it heal, where others before have failed...?

Tori Amos...that's my chick.  I feel like I've expressed my profound admiration for her before, so I won't get into idol worship this time around.  ;)  Annnnnywayyyyyy, this is going to be an EXTRA wine night.  I have so much going through my head, I feel overwhelmed.  I told myself on the way home (that's when I do a lot of my thinking, on the road at 2 AM) that I am grateful for everything that is going on and reassured myself that I can handle anything that comes my way.  With trust will come clarity.  With patience will come resolution.  I just need to continue to be authentic and genuine and never stray from the path that I know in my heart is right for me.

Sorry if I wax emotional, the wine is already starting to hit me.  I feel warm and happy, but no less confused.  First, there's work.  I was SO MAD, I usually get the highest score on the assessments.  On our final today, I missed the high score by ONE QUESTION!  Patrick beat me!  I was happy for him, though.  A little healthy competition is motivating as long as you don't let it get in the way of friendships, and at the end of the day realize it isn't that big of a deal who's in first place as long as you're all doing your best.

Wow, this raspberry cabernet is really delicious.  I wish you could taste it through the computer.  You can't, though, so take my word for it.  :)  So tomorrow at work is our mock call, which is  the reason for the excessive consumption tonight.  I'm nervous as hell.  I don't feel ready and I'm so terrified.  At the same time, I know that I'm more than capable and I have just as good a chance at complete success as anyone else does -- maybe more!  The only thing getting in my way is ME.  I wish I could just relax.  And anyway, in the end, really...it's just a JOB.  In the grand scheme of things, how important IS this mock call?  

So I'm sort of distancing myself from Emmanuel.  It isn't his fault.  I know that sounds like the "it's not you, it's me" line, but it's true.  I knew this about myself going into it, and to be fair, I told him too.  The thing is, I don't want to want anything from him.  Then I can be disappointed.  I don't want to feel anything that I would be sad to lose.  I don't want to feel so good that I become dependent on the source of the pleasure.  I thought I was okay, I tried to stay detached.  Then all of a sudden, today it just hit me like a sickness.  I kept thinking about him, how his arms felt wrapped around me, the way he smelled, the sound of his voice...AHHHH FUCK I hate when this happens.  So of course the only thing I can do now is back off until this girly bullshit goes away.  

I know it's because we had sex.  Damn that oxytocin anyway.  I thought I could be stronger than my hormones and brain chemicals, but I see that I am powerless against them once again.  There is no way that I can trust a man to have any control over my emotions.  I just can't do it.  So unfortunately, as great as he is, I'm bailing out.

My first glass of wine is empty and I feel like this is a good place to stop.  Oh but HOLD UP, I have one important question.  I look at the stats of my blog, just out of curiosity.  I don't care if nobody is reading it or one hundred million people are reading it (although I'm definitely not deluded enough to believe that is at all realistic).  The thing is, it surprises me how many views these posts get.  I don't even know who in the hell could be reading this!  I haven't shared this blog with anyone I know, and who out there in internet land would care about the things I have to say?  It kind of boggles my mind a little bit.  Besides THAT, someone +1's almost all of my entries....and I have no idea who it is.  I mean, it doesn't matter, but....well it just makes me wonder.  Anyway I'm going to watch this show about nothing (literally, it is a documentary about the nature of "nothing" or the space between subatomic particles or what ever.)  I'll give you a better description after I've watched it.  Tomorrow.  Ciao!

wooo hooo witchy woman, see how high she flies woo hoo witchy woman she got the moon in her eye...

I was taking soooooooooo long trying to figure out what to title this.  It's 2:30 in the morning, I want to talk about a lot, and I can't think of lyrics right off the bat that fit.  So, I'll do that later.  For now...let me talk about this weekend!

So, I met this guy.  We went to Barnes & Noble and sat in the coffee shop, just talking for HOURS.  I can't remember the last time I had one of those endless, deep, philosophical conversations with.  I felt my mind expanding, it felt like home.  It was amazing to meet someone who thinks about the same things I do.  I had a chai, he had a cappuccino.  I was supposed to go up to the club with Jason and Lisa, but we got back to his place and got to talking and I didn't leave until after 11.  

I made sure to conduct myself like a proper lady, because I know what I've done in the past doesn't work.  I wanted a different result, so I tried to take a different approach.  It's hard when, for 15 years, you have a certain way of interacting with the opposite (or same) sex on a date.  It becomes a ritual or pattern of behaviors, which I found difficult to break.  The first date with someone is always sexually charged.  There is flirtation, innuendo, touching, laughing, etc which goes almost like a script every time with little variance.  And it always ends the same -- naked.  I found myself at a loss for what to do.  I knew what NOT to do or say, but I couldn't figure out what I should replace it with.  I felt like I was in unfamiliar territory because I didn't follow the usual routine, but I felt very proud of myself for keeping things nonsexual.  

I got home and we talked on the phone for a while.  I made plans to see him today.  I almost didn't go, something felt different.  In the end, though, he seemed like he really wanted me to come.  Since it felt like he truly desired my company, I felt safe and I went.  We talked more, but there was a different energy.  I have never felt an energy like his and I can't explain it.  I don't know if it's good or if it's bad.  I don't feel any fear or warnings, my gut isn't distressed, but I also don't feel that infatuated high.  I did try very hard to keep myself rational because I don't want to lose my head.  I like him a lot, I love our conversations.  He's very attractive and intelligent.  I just don't know what I felt.  Like I said, it wasn't good or bad.  He touched my hand and I didn't feel like a horny tingle (sorry, TMI) but I did feel a warmth spreading through my chest.  I felt chemistry, but not in the way I'm used to feeling it.  It confused me.  I'm still confused.  I think he's guarding himself, I don't know.

Anyway, I held it all in and kept myself contained.  He kissed me when I left to go to sister circle, and I liked it.  It felt good, it felt right, but again...didn't strike that impulse to tear his clothes off and satisfy our carnal desires together.  It wasn't like that.  I don't know WHAT it was.  He asked me what it felt like, and I couldn't describe it.  

Anyway, then I went to the sister circle.  It was so nice to be among these beautiful women again.  It's been so long, but it didn't feel like any time had passed at all.  We drank tea, smudged each other, had a discussion about the sacred uses of marijuana, and branched off into other random but meaningful conversations.  I always feel like I bond with  my sisters in such a deep and heartfelt way when we gather.  I am so thankful for them.  I am so happy to have them in my life.  I feel renewed, elevated, spiritually nourished.  We are doing a women's sweat lodge retreat on November 30 and I can't wait, I already know it will be life-changing.  

After the circle, I went back to his house.  I may choose to share his name at a later date, but I don't really know where things are heading at this point in time.  I don't have any expectations, I'm trying very hard to just take each day as it comes and for what it's worth.  I got back there and we were talking, then I took my glasses off to do something.  At that moment, he completely took me by surprise and started kissing me.  I was stimulated, and responsive, but it wasn't like I was overrun by hormones.  I guess the best way to describe his energy and the way I felt when we were touching is calm and peaceful.  It was a warm feeling, but not a manic primal HOT feeling.  Again, I don't know what it means.  It wasn't that I wasn't into it, I was.  I was totally focused on what was happening and -- I THINK I JUST GOT IT NOW -- I was present.  

That was totally it, too.  I just put my finger on it.  Instead of looking forward to an expected end result, and working myself up in anticipation of what I thought was to come, I just stayed in each moment.  I enjoyed the kisses on their own, and took them for what they were, rather than fantasizing about the sex I imagined would come next.  When we were touching, my mind was with the touching, not wondering about the things that hadn't happened yet.  Wow, mindfulness really DOES make sex different.  It sets a more relaxed pace where you enjoy every step of the process for what it is, not as a means to an end.

So yeah, of course, we did sleep together.  I have had sex a few times since Noe and I ended, but this is the first time I can say I was actually satisfied.  I mean, it wasn't just physical, I don't mean that.  I mean that I felt good AFTER it was over, not just during.  I didn't just tolerate it, I enjoyed it.  THAT is what I wanted.

I don't know what's going to happen next.  I don't care, things are going to unfold the way that they are meant to.  If I'm not meant to ever see him again, okay.  If we are destined for friendship, okay.  I am not attached to any particular outcome.  I just know that this weekend was definitely a success in my book.  :)