Sattva

Heya!  Well, I've been studying for hours so I know that I won't be able to do my current mood any justice.  Still, though, I felt that it was important to report on how amazingly things have turned around.  

Joth and I worked through the issue we had, okay the issue I had that he got dragged into.  You see, I was already extra-sensitive and a little...delusional to begin with.  Then, we had an argument the morning I left.  Sunday, was it?  I don't even remember what it was about.  Anyway, I got home and I hadn't heard from him for hours (to be fair, I hadn't reached out to him, either) although Facebook showed him as active the entire time.  So automatically (thanks to past experiences that have nothing to do with him) I assumed that if he is online and not talking to me, it's because he's talking to someone else.

Who else would he be talking to?  Where did he meet her?  Is he still on dating sites?  On a whim, I decided to check his POF account.  It showed a little green dot next to his name.  I tell you, that was the moment I fell to pieces inside.  It was a point driven home with a baseball bat studded with rusty nails.  It was a mix of dread, and breathless denial, seething rage, desperation, indignation, disillusionment, rejection, and just the heavy heavy weight of a shattered dream.  Of course, subconsciously,  there is a part of me that is always waiting to find this.  There is a part of me that expects this, and the rest of me can never relax, because I know she's on a mission and eventually she'll find what she seeks.  To her it isn't if, but when.  This seemed to prove her suspicions, her cold assessment of the male gender, her cynicism regarding love.  

I fell apart.  Oh my god, I love him so much.  I knew that if it was true, I had to leave, but I also knew that I couldn't.  So then I became angry at him for putting me in a position which forced me to do something that would destroy me.  It was that attitude I confronted him with -- the assumption of guilt.  And it was that assumption he reacted to.  This went on for hours.

He reacted with anger, which to me was as good as a confession.  In my past, whenever I have caught someone in a lie, I became very adept at reading their reactions.  And, sadly, this happened enough times that I began to make connections.  Every single time that my accusation had been met with fury or rage, the accused party had in fact been guilty.  So to me, anger means guilt.  The fact that he responded in anger only devastated me further, because secretly a part of me was hoping that somehow I'd be wrong and that he would make me think so.  Not the case.  Oh my god, this is really happening.  (Or so I thought)

I came to find out later that ANY  TIME I put his name in the username search, there is a green dot next to it.  I mean, I had already googled, "Green dot next to name on POF" and other such things just to be very sure that there was no way it could mean anything other than "this user is online".  I was SURE.  But, I was also wrong.

I remember, too, when we broke up for a few days while he was in Arizona.  I, of course, continued to stalk his Facebook profile because even though I refused to break and be the first to contact him in my ignorant self-righteousness, I still loved him and missed him and was utterly consumed by him.  So, I paid attention to location updates, new friends added.  Actually at some point, one of us blocked the other.  After we re-friended each other is when I think I took notice of anyone he had friended.  I thought I had memorized the list.  So later, when his friend Katy's dad "liked" a photo I had tagged him in...that I couldn't even see, because of his privacy settings, I was SURE that he had only just recently been added and I was hurt and upset that he was able to see things as a new friend that I couldn't, as his girlfriend.  Does that make sense?  I could explain more clearly, but I don't want to go on forever about this one little thing. 

Anyway, the point was, when I came at him about THAT he had also reacted with extreme anger.  We had a huge fight.  I later discovered, though, that I was wrong.  Upon realizing that Joth's anger does NOT come from guilt, as it has with previous partners, but truly from the fact that I am accusing him...the fact that I don't trust him....well that was an a-ha moment for me.  This argument was horrible, but I came to understand him a little more.  And to trust him a little more.  

He made a few very good points, as well.  He has never accused me or questioned me or doubted me, EVEN THOUGH Cuntasaurus Bitch FLAT OUT told him that I was a working prostitute RIGHT NOW.  Which, of course, I am not.  But what would I have done if the roles were reversed?  I was ashamed to realize that I probably wouldn't have believed me.  I deserve his trust, in that I've never done anything to betray him.  But also, I don't, in that I don't give him the same level.  Or at all.  Because...why?  Because he has a penis?  He's already proven that he isn't like anyone else I know.  That's why I love him so much.  I really need to fix this.

So, this weekend, we're going to.  We're spending all day Sunday doing some hypnosis/NLP stuff.  Saturday is going to be our cleaning day.  Friday night, we're going out dancing in Kalamazoo....YAYYYYYY I am so excited!!!!  The remarkable thing that I came to describe, though, is the quality of happiness and joy that I am experiencing now.  Over the past couple of days, it's truly phenomenal.  It isn't just because I'm manic, because I have been manic before and angry, or irritable, or self-destructive.  

I realized as I studied Ayurveda today, though, that sometimes my mania is Sattvic and sometimes it is Rajasic.  Even though Rajas is associated with action and movement, it is more like an agitated, ego-driven movement.  Sattva can be movement as well, but of a pure intention.  Bliss and joy, not excess stimulation and sensory indulgence.  You can have just as much energy with Sattva as with Rajas, the difference is in the purity.  I feel just a pure, joyful, peaceful, illuminating sensation of unadulterated happiness right now.  

I feel like I'm on the right track pursuing my passion.  It feels so right.  I also feel this incredible soul connection with the most inspiring, lovable, brilliant, gorgeous human I have ever encountered.  This is the same intensity as infatuation, but it's so much deeper.  This is pure ecstasy.  I can't put into words how divinely blessed I feel to have such a significant relationship in my life.  The breadth and depth of my love for him is immeasurable, it transcends space and time, and illuminates every corner of my being.  Well, you know, if my being had corners.  

I went from feeling like I was going to die a few days ago to being able to rest in the assuredness that everything will be okay, and to bask in the blissful glow of a life I love.  Even though I have a lot going on, I feel optimistic.  I feel capable.  I have hope, I have trust, I have faith.  I am enjoying the journey.  I keep applying for jobs and doing what I need to do on that front.  I've found a few that I am a great fit for.  Also, I continue to check in with Darren.  I picked up Tristan's meds and took him to the eye doctor today (before my insurance ends).  I keep cleaning, doing dishes, and doing my studying.  Anyway, I could probably talk more but I think I'm going to just relax for a while.