Independence

So much has happened since I wrote last.  I've applied for a bunch of jobs, requested my 401k payout (which is only the vested amount, taxed to death, so around $500), paid my phone bill, and finished school shopping.  I bought a few groceries and put gas in my car, and I'm almost broke.  I do have  the 401k money coming, but I'm trying to be prudent.  I don't know, after that, when I'll have money again.

Everything is working out, but it also isn't.  I feel out of synch with Joth and it totally bums me out.  Of course I realize that this is largely due to my fluctuating emotions with all the drama which I will describe shortly.  It's hard to stay in synch with someone when that person is all over the place, I get it.  But I feel like when I'm all gushy and lovey-dovey, he's indifferent and distant.  So then I pull back, and eventually he decides he feels like talking to me but by then I'm over it.  But that's not what I'm here to talk about.  Well, in a way it is, but we'll get to that shortly.

I went out there last weekend and I was supposed to stay until Wednesday.  It was Tristan's weekend to go to his dad's.  Two weeks prior, the last time he was scheduled to go there, his dad had backed out.  First of all, Andrew decided to have his Mom babysit because, you know, 2 overnights in a month is just WAYYYYYYYYYYYY too much, I mean sheesh, you gotta get a BREAK from the kid once in a while, am I right?  Wow.  3 days in a row is a LOT, right?  (total sarcasm, in case you didn't notice)

Friday night was pretty cool.  I got to Joth's around 9 and we were supposed to go out dancing, but it was beginning to storm and I had been pulled over on the way to Joth's for my headlight.  Plus, Shyloh hadn't made it back yet from the Willow Ranch so I just hung out at Joth's with him, Josh, and Goonga and we drank a little bit.  We had an amazing night together, we ran around naked outside a little bit and talked about how much we wanted to marry each other and romantic stuff like that.  It was a good night.  We snuggled.  

We spent Saturday CLEANING his place.  I mean like mopping, scrubbing, etc.  We didn't finish everything, but we made pretty decent progress in the kitchen.  I had brought all of my cleaning supplies and we spent the better part of the day doing that.  Later, I picked up Shyloh and some cheap rum and we all hung out.  More nakedness ensued.  It felt delightful and we had a really fun time.  I did some horrible karaoke, which happens more often than not.  This is why I prefer to sing in the shower, or in the kitchen while I wash dishes.  I have a decent voice, but it sucks when I can't breathe.  Shy and I were talking about Sarah and I went to grab my phone to show her a text that she had sent me.  Well, I noticed one that I hadn't read and decided at that time to read it.  Bad decision.  

It said all this bullshit about how she had done nothing wrong and Tristan had done everything wrong, and they had to change babysitters because of him, and he is always pissing off her kids and instigating stuff or whatever.  She said she had tried to help me out by "disciplining" my child and that his behavior problems were because of my bad parenting.  Ha.  I replied that I treat my son like a person, and that what she is doing is not discipline -- it is abuse.  I called her OUT.  I told her about how Tristan's counselor said that he had told him things about her that were reportable to CPS, and that no one else had any problems with Tristan BUT her -- not me, not Joth, not his babysitter Michelle.  And that I knew that her kids were absolute monsters so she had no room to talk -- and furthermore, that SHE is the one with a substantiated child abuse claim.  NOT ME.  There were some cuss words also.

Sunday, my phone was dead for most of the day.  We brought Shyloh back and pretty much lazed around.  I felt anxious for some reason, and finally I turned my phone on to see messages from Sarah telling me to come get my kid or she'd call the cops.  Andrew texting me, mysteriously he suddenly had to go to Traverse City for work and couldn't keep Tristan there.  I had made arrangements already for Michelle to watch Tristan while his dad was at work, but he pissed Sarah off so his dad totally sold him out.  I called Michelle, she said that Tristan could spend the night there.  I needed to drop off his shot record, IEP, and birth certificate at the school on Monday.  I asked her to have Tristan call when he got there so I could make sure he was okay.

He called me and said that Sarah had slammed his head on the ground and he had a bump on it.  He said that she had been screaming at him and called me a bitch, so he slapped her plate of food out of her hand.  So then she slammed his head onto the ground.  I called CPS immediately.  Fuck that shit.  I kept my mouth shut when she grabbed him by the neck and threw him across the room.  I bit my tongue when she slapped him so hard his nose bled.  I talked to his dad when she hit him in the back of the neck with a full 2 liter, hoping we could work things out like sensible adults between us.  But this was the last straw.  I told Andrew that I was calling CPS and he told me just to never send Tristan over there again, problem solved.  Nice.  Choose your psychotic abusive bitch wife over your own son.

Sunday night, things were a little more tense with Joth.  This was really difficult for me to deal with but I tried not to take it out on him.  He was there for me and he was supportive, and I did appreciate that.  Everything was just swirling around me so fast, changing more quickly than I could keep up with it, falling apart at every turn.  I did snap at him a few times, but I apologized.  Things were strained, but okay.  We didn't really snuggle that night, but it was also kind of hot.  

Monday, I checked my account balance and started freaking out about money.  I don't know how to budget myself.  I don't know how to adjust my spending habits from employed to conserving money.  I've never been financially sensible, so this whole thing is confusing and stressful for me.  I'm having a lot of trouble getting acclimated to a more restricted spending mindset.  Of course, I totally knew it was my fault.  I'm a big girl, I make my own choices.  I wrongly argued with Joth because I was mad at myself for not making better choices.  We kind of made up, but our connection had weakened since Friday.  I went and dropped off the papers at Tristan's school and picked him up from Michelle's.  

She said that he had been very good, and that CPS had come and interviewed him and also talked to her about Sarah.  Sarah had also accused her of molesting her daughters, just like she accused Tristan.  I didn't know what to believe before because I wasn't there, and Tristan wouldn't talk about it.  I assumed that he had made a bad decision and felt guilty about it.  Michelle said that Tristan had talked to her about it and said he never did anything.  I asked him, and he said that he had been afraid of what Sarah would do.  My heart totally broke for him.  What a diabolical evil creep.  He finally told me what happened that night, and he had not even been in the girls' room when this allegedly happened.  His dad had been in his own room, and Sarah had come to the girls' room and acted out reprimanding Tristan (although he wasn't even there), then told him to go lie down in his bed (although that's where he was the whole time) THEN went and told his dad that she had walked in on him with his pants down.

Sarah thinks she's punishing me by banning Tristan from their house, but this is a blessing for him.  He won't be in that toxic environment, he'll be much more safe, he'll have a better school year because he won't be immersed in that hell every other weekend.  Things are looking really positive.

Overall, I need to hold on to that.  I got all of my laundry done and I've started packing.  I'm really looking forward to living with Joth and my idealistic mind pictures us cuddling, kissing, reading together and drinking coffee all the time, laughing merrily, and glowing with ever-blossoming romance.  The cynical part of me is scared to death that if he's around me every day, I'm going to destroy a good thing.  That he'll stop loving me or I won't be able to stay positive or that I'll get argumentative or moody and things will go downhill.  

I think we have a really good thing here.  A GREAT thing.  In fact, I've never loved someone so completely ever in my life.  I want to always remember how special he is.  How much more important he is than any idea or ego concept.  We have so much potential.  We have such a great connection, such amazing chemistry, so much in common in so many ways.  We could really be so amazing.  But like tonight, if I didn't have this space, I would have started a stupid argument.  He was active on Facebook for hours, and didn't really seem that interested in talking to me.  He seemed too busy, but busy doing what?  So then I was like, whatever.  Independence -- that's the title of this post.  Now I remember.

I need to not be attached to his attention.  I need to not care about whether or not he wants to talk to me.  It needs to not matter.  I can't be so wrapped up in him that his rejection would be devastating.  I need to back up.  I need friends, that's what I need.  I need other people to invest my time, energy, and affection in so that if one of them isn't returning my energy, it's not like I'm all alone and have no one.  I need to love him in a way that makes him feel free, and I can't do that for him if he's the only one that my whole world revolves around.  I need to gather emotional sustenance from multiple sources, so that I have no expectations of him, no disappointments.  Just to allow things to be as they are and have that be okay.  I need to be independent.

Oh yeah.  And we saw more herons together.  (The picture is the one I took of them)  This is the 3rd time, and always when I am with him.  I never see them when I am alone.  Wanna know what herons mean?

Independence.

Heron Medicine