GERONIMO!!!!!!!!

This is what the universe is doing to me right now.  Or maybe I'm just crazy.  Am I in my right mind?  How would I even know?  It's too late to un-leap, in any case.  The bridge has been burned.  No other direction left but forward.

Mood tracking, super manic.  This is why I don't completely trust my judgement right now.  Am I making impulsive decisions that I will come to regret later?  Am I continuing on a self-destructive pattern?  Or is this time REALLY different?  It feels like it is.  Maybe I should explain what I'm talking about.

Yesterday was a day that I will remember for a long time.  It was a turning point, for better or for worse.  I am hoping it was the former, but my past history is every indication that it is just as likely to be the latter.  This part scares me.  I THINK I'm sure, but am I SURE sure?  Yesterday, I threw away all the security I have in the world to pursue an uncertain possibility with no guaranteed outcome.  

I had 12 hours of sick time, and I was just going to call in to go to my job interview in Battle Creek.  No problem, right?  We all know that I'm on a final warning (was), so I had to follow the rules.  I got my phone charged and called in.  My boss' boss answered.  Oh no, this is not good.  I just couldn't do it.  It's one thing to call in and talk to a supervisor, which gives me enough anxiety in and of itself.  But to get the BOSS boss.  No, no way.  I couldn't do it.  I hung up.  I dropped Tristan off at his dad's and went ALLLLL the way to work.  I went a half hour in the OPPOSITE direction that I needed to go just so I didn't have to tell Steve over the phone that I wasn't coming in.  

I planned to just get there, log in, and email my supervisor that I had to go.  I did that at 11.  By 12:30, he had still responded.  Could I have walked up to him?  Yes.  In theory.  I could NOT bring myself to face him.  I was terrified.  So much that I just emailed him that I was leaving and I LEFT.

Now, I was planning on coming in this morning and giving my two weeks' notice.  I mean, come on, we all know I was getting fired anyway so this was just a way to beat them to the punch so it looks better on my record.  Plus, it was a way for me to try to secure two more weeks of pay.  Then last night, coincidentally, I got into an argument with Sarah.

Well, it wasn't really an argument.  I had just had enough of her bullshit.  I was already in an irate mood toward her because on the way home from picking Tristan up, he told me this HORRIBLE story about her that I had never heard before.  Don't get me wrong, I can't assume it's true.  I would think that he would have told me before NOW if it was.  I remember when he told me that she shoved a blanket in his mouth because he was crying.  That was bad enough, and I called CPS about it at the time and everything.  I think he was four years old.  The things is, he refused to EVER talk about it to ANYONE.  The more we asked questions, the more he shut down.  He'd change the subject and there was just nothing anyone could do.

Yesterday, he told me that Sarah tried telling him that he didn't remember that day.  He said, "Just because SHE has a bad memory doesn't mean I don't remember.  I think she just remembers a little bit, and makes the rest up."  (I think she DOES remember, and lies, but I digress).  He said, "She told me that I was crying in my room and she came in and I threw my blanket and she covered my mouth with the blanket because I was screaming."  

I asked him, "Is that not what happened?"  (Because up until yesterday, this is what I thought had occurred also).

He said, "NO.  I was NOT crying.  I was just in bed, being quiet.  Then she just randomly came in for NO reason and shoved a blanket in my mouth and it was like Jeff the Killer!"  (I don't know who that is)

I asked him, "So, how did you get her to stop?"  He replied, "I didn't.  I heard my dad come in and I tried yelling for my dad but I couldn't breathe.  Then she told me not to say anything and ran back out onto the couch before my dad came in."  I asked him if he told his dad and he said no, because Sarah had told him not to say anything.  He told me that his dad noticed that his bedroom door was open.

THIS MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY.  Whatever happened that day, at the very least we know that she covered his mouth with a blanket.  Did she try to fucking KILL him?  To be honest, I get super weird vibes from her and she is super scary fucked up.  She's one of those people who is sooooo good at making an impression on you of being sweet, innocent, and helpful but has an evil, rotten core.  It makes me shudder.  She reminds me of Cuntasaurus Bitch.   That chick was crazy, too.  But SMART crazy, like if you tried to tell anyone how insane she was, they'd never believe you.  Not unless they'd gotten close enough to see it for themselves.  

Now, I'm not saying that Sarah is smart, because she isn't.  She has only an eighth grade education and the IQ of a potato chip.  But she is frighteningly manipulative.  I'm not falling for it anymore.

Anyway, so I was in that state of mind when we got home.  We were making food, and Tristan told me that Sarah had told him that I shouldn't be making him cook food, and I should be making his food for him.  Really?  I sent off a text saying that IF she had said that, and I wasn't assuming she did, but IF she did then it was kind of funny that teaching my son life skills would be considered bad parenting.  I said, "At least I don't slap him until his nose bleeds, grab him by the neck and throw him across the room, or hit him with a 2 liter.  THAT would be bad parenting."  Smiley face.  

I kept all of those things inside in an effort to get along with them.  I knew that if I made Sarah mad, she would only make things worse for everyone.  I couldn't call CPS because it would be too easy for them to just say that I was being a vindictive parent and trying to get back at them for something.  No one would take me seriously.  

Anyway, after I sent her that text she went off about how she's such a good mom and she does so much for me and blah blah blah fuck you, I'm not helping you anymore.  And I was like, yeah, fuck YOU, I don't need your so-called "help", thanks but no thanks.  She told me not to bring Tristan over there anymore.  Fine by me.

So, yeah, here I am today.  At home.  Without a job.  Uncertain and terrified.  My interview yesterday seemed to go well, but she had more interviews this week and I didn't get a definite feeling of a "yes".  She seemed ambivalent about me.  I know that Darren submitted my resume for a few other jobs, but now the clock is ticking.

I have until the end of this month to be in this apartment, to use my insurance.  I need to contact another school in the area that may be able to offer smaller classrooms.  I need to get his community mental health transferred to calhoun county, I need to apply for medicaid, I need to get him to the eye doctor, get school supplies, pack up all of my stuff here.  I'm excited, because this is a brand new start.  I know that I'm capable.  I feel much better about this than I thought I would, but if I think about it for a long enough time, I start to freak out again.

It's time, though.  It's time to go out into this world and do something magical.  It's time to live the life I was meant for.  It's time to get back to yoga, focus more on the ayurveda and hypnotherapy, make healthy eating a priority, and leave this life behind me.  I don't know if I feel ready, but I suspect that maybe I never WOULD feel ready.  Maybe that's why mama birds have to kick the babies out of the nest.  No one ever feels ready, sometimes we just need a push to discover that we can fly.