My head hurts. It isn't sunny outside, which isn't helping. Yesterday I was down so low. SO low. I was looking up pictures of slit wrists which actually horrified me to the point that I decided I could most definitely never do that. Nope. Grosssssssss.
Also, I became sad because most of these were teenagers, mostly girls but also some boys. These cries -- desperate tortured SCREAMS -- for help, what motivates them? What hell are these kids trapped in? How would it feel to be a parent of one of these hopeless teenagers, trenches cut inches deep into youthful skin? My heart hurt for them, and for their parents, and for the world we live in which drives people to such drastic measures. Didn't they feel loved? Weren't they loved? Didn't someone ever tell them they mattered?
I thought of myself as a teenager, and recalled the intensity of the despair I had felt too. Agony. Heart-wrenching uncontrollable torture. I just never had the guts to do a thing like that. Why, when I feel it, do I not question it...but when I see others hurting in the same way, I feel compelled to make them see that they don't have to suffer like that? Why do I think that I'm the exception? Why do I think I'm the only one justified in wanting to get off this wicked merry-go-round of disappointment and pain? Why am I such a hypocrite? How can I restore hope to others when I have none myself? How can I heal anyone when I am so broken myself?
I'm so mixed up and confused. The only reason I'm even entertaining the notion that I'm wrong is because it IS period time. I don't know why, and please don't laugh because I'm completely serious, but everyone ELSE seems to go crazy the week before my period. All the bad things always happen the same time every month. My kids argue with each other and ignore me, Sarah makes stupid ass bitchy ignorant comments, my customers are more argumentative and rude, my boyfriend is irrational...but I am just the same as I ever was. I truly believe this. Now, I know that logically this can not be true. It must BE me. But how? Everything I do seems justified. Everything I see seems real. Everything I believe feels true. It's bewildering, and scary.
It's like this Berenstein Bears thing. I just found out that my entire childhood, while I THOUGHT I was reading Berenstein Bears, the whole time it was always Berenstain Bears. I can't wrap my head around this. I would have made a bet of all my worldly assets that my recollection was accurate. But there are pictures, there is evidence. I was wrong the whole time. How can this be? How can I trust my brain?
I'm always torn between the desire to trust the ones I love and the desire to protect myself from heartbreak. I'm an especially fragile person. I feel things much more deeply than most people do, which makes relationships fraught with danger. Even the idea of entrusting someone with my heart is a serious commitment which needs to be considered very carefully. Once someone gets in the inner circle, there's no way they can get out without serious trauma to my heart and soul.
Some people can get over things. Normal human beings can process breakups like a minor inconvenience and go about their days, still functioning. I can no sooner function when threatened with the loss of my partner than I could if you took out my beating heart. It isn't just that. As hard as it is to lose someone I have bonded with, it's a million times worse with Joth. He doesn't feel just like a part of my life, an accessory which can be removed like a rearview mirror in a car. He is the fucking ENGINE. This doesn't work without him. It never could.
I've put every single bit of trust and faith and belief in this, but because it is so hard for me to trust, knowing this terrifies me and I know that there's no backing out so I'm constantly sick with worry and fear that he will slash me to pieces, as only he can, because I've let him in closer than anyone has ever been before and connected with him more deeply than I ever believed myself capable of connecting with anything in this universe. In the background of my mind there is the constant, low, steady hum repeating day and night. No one could ever really love you.
I was so sure that I was right. Everything felt so different with him. There were so many unexplainable coincidences, so much synchronicity, mindblowing magic. I have experienced so much throughout this "blessed union of souls" (sorry it's cheesy and I don't mean to rip off the band but it seemed to fit) that I let go of any hesitation and threw myself into this, committed myself, made a PROMISE, gave him all of my loyalty and honesty and 100% of the best I ever had to give.
But now I'm afraid. I don't think I was wrong about soulmates, but I have come to the shocking realization that even your soulmate can hurt you. Even your soulmate might leave you. Just because it's a sacred connection doesn't mean you don't both have free will, and aren't both still horribly tragically human, and won't still make mistakes. I have made my share.
When we fight, it's awful. It reduces me to a shivering puddle of tears. It hurts to the core, a worse searing pain than anything physical I have ever felt in my life. It feels like I'm dying. We go back and forth, and the negativity gets whipped up and frothed into a frenzy of hurt and wounding and blame and anger, attacking and defending. It becomes an airplane, careening wildly through the sky, it can't be steered, it can't be slowed, it can't be stopped, and every attempt to regain control of our trajectory results in more frightening loops and turns and unexpected failing of necessary parts until the whole thing goes into shutdown mode and speeds dangerously to the earth. Are we eventually going to crash and burn? Is there anything that can save us? Is this the beginning of the end for us? Are we just rearranging chairs on the Titanic at this point, or does anything remain of the core of love and trust we built all of this on? Is the pilot still on, or has it all burned out?
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