Heartbreak

I press
A rusty blade
Against my wrist
The love
I thought we had
Does not exist.

I'm not actually going to kill myself, not in the physical sense. I am dead inside, though, and I don't ever want to come out again.  Never.  Not for anyone.  This game is stupid, I hate love, and I'm tired of emotions.  All of this is total bullshit and I'm exhausted.  Just done.  

I was betting on us.  Despite his beliefs to the contrary, I trusted him.  I have learned that no man can be trusted.  If this person, this person that I thought I had magic with, this person I loved with every part of me, to the end and back...if this person who made me believe in soulmates, well if none of it was ever real, I've fallen for the most damaging lie and suffered this most fatal blow.  I don't know anymore what was real and what wasn't.  I don't know if he faked the emotions he claimed to have for me, if he ever felt the type of love he professed.  

I thought he was some magical divine being, but he's just a man.  He's just a man and I'm just a woman and I'm stupid for ever believing that I deserved what I thought I had.  Of course I didn't.  It doesn't even exist.

I don't know what I'm going to do now.  I really don't.  Even if I get this job, I can't afford a place by myself now.  And I certainly can't afford daycare on top of all that.  I can't get my job back.  I'm going to lose everything.  Tristan will have to live with his dad and endure more psychological damage at the hands of Sarah.  His life and my life are both ruined.  I wish I could take it all back.