Body Image Issues

I. Will. Conquer. This.  The thing is, I knew that I would gain weight.  I knew that I would lose muscle tone.  I stopped drinking green smoothies, I stopped doing yoga, and -- SURPRISE! -- my pants are tight.  I've been obsessed over this, and instead of taking steps to fix it, have been wallowing in depression over the way I look.  I have immobilized myself with shame over something that, if I got off of my ass, I could easily fix.  Why won't I do it?

I also realized that I was gaining so much more than just a fabulous body when I focused on my health.  I was happier, more at peace, more content, more motivated.  It all changed when my shift changed, and I never had time to incorporate yoga with all of the working and driving.  There wasn't enough time in the day.  There is now, though, so what's my excuse?  I bought fresh veggies and coconut milk last week for smoothies, and there they sit, untouched in the refrigerator.  I'm not sad.  I'm not depressed.  I just never got back into the groove, and now I'm regretting it.

Family pictures are being taken in just over one week.  Yeah, I just found out last night.  A week isn't honestly long enough to change much about how I look, but it IS long enough to resume some healthy habits so that I FEEL better at picture time.  And really, isn't that all I'm going for anyway?  Right now, I'm wearing a size 8.  I remember feeling jubilant, victorious when I was able to button and zip a pair of size 8 pants after I had Jewel.  They didn't even technically fit.  I couldn't breathe.  But I felt like a smoking hot sex goddess.  So why, now that I am wearing that EXACT SAME SIZE, do I feel like a jiggly blob of disgusting fat?  It's all in my head.  It's all in my head.  It's. All. In. My. Head.

Today, my mom is taking the kids school shopping.  This will give me a few hours to do a little more packing, finish my hypno homework, and do some ayurveda.  I skipped ayurveda on Thursday and...oh, today is Thursday.  Well, whatever.  I skipped a week then.  No biggie.  The last hypno module was for scripts, so I need to write that.  I'll be done in 3 more weeks!  

I have heard back from a few prospective employers about jobs, so I'm trying to stay optimistic on that front.  I am down to my last $250.  I apply for every new job every day on Indeed that I am qualified for, and in the meantime am trying to enjoy the blessing of the free time that I have to spend with my kids and finish my packing/moving.  I was looking at a few houses to rent, but that was based on the presupposition that I was getting the job that I interviewed for.  Sadly (or not?), that expectation was not met. 

That job didn't really sound awesome, though.  In truth, I was a bit frightened by the workload and frantic pace that the interviewer described to me.  I'm sure it's best that it didn't work out.  My resume is out for one through Employment Group which sounds really perfect.  It's a small company that does telephone and internet.  It's a customer service position.  Dude, I can totally knock their socks off in that position!  No customer service situation can intimidate me after working in retention.  

I just spent an entire week with Joth, and it was completely wonderful.  I was really worried about it.  I thought that I would end up driving him crazy.  To my delighted surprise, things turned out to be pretty much the opposite of what I feared they would be.  We did still have a few issues, just like always.  The difference, though, was that we worked through them and emerged on the other side closer.  Also, we sang some songs together and sounded absolutely freaking AMAZING, then afterwards he ended up holding my hair but not in the way that I had imagined -- clenched in his fist as, swept up in the throes of animalistic passion, we rode the wave of pleasure until it crested in an electric crescendo of shuddering release.  No.  It wasn't like that at all.  It was me, on my knees in front of the toilet, puking my guts out.  

To me, though, that is every bit as much love as the aforementioned scenario.  It is tender nurturing compassion.  He wasn't even mad that I was too sick to have sex.  His love for me is so pure.  I often wish that I could come from that genuine authentic place of untainted love that he does.  By the time my love comes out of me, it's been distorted by fear and worry, shaded by paranoia, twisted by insecurity, and filtered by my past.  There's no excuse for it, there really isn't.  I really thought that there would be a point that I could push him to that he would leave.  Everyone has one.  Then, his leaving could confirm my idea that I am unlovable.  That's the sick part about expectation.  We DO create what we fear.  We see only that which supports our beliefs, be they good or bad.  But, I had a sad epiphany last weekend.

We sat on the couch after having some type of argument, I don't even remember what it was about.  He told me that he was imagining 33 more years of this, and what that would do to a person.  Huh?  It suddenly dawned on me that he really, truly intends to stay with me no matter what.  No matter how awful I am, no matter how much we fight.  Whether in suffering or in joy, he will be there.  So why, then, would I punish him for that?  If I love him (and I do), then what exactly is the purpose in making things harder than they need to be?  I argue that it isn't what I would choose, and to that I would definitely say that's right.  But at some point, my love has to become bigger than my fear.  My present needs to be more important than my past.  

I can't change what happened to me before, but I get to decide whether that makes me a victim or a survivor.  I am free to choose either, but who really suffers if I choose to remain a victim?  Not the perpetrators of this pain.  I am getting no revenge on them by inflicting the same pain on others.  In fact, if anything, I'm justifying my behaviors which thereby excuses theirs, because if it's okay for me then it must have been okay for them.  If I can't help it, neither could they.  If my current partner deserves it, then so did I.  Isn't it time to choose happiness?

Independence

So much has happened since I wrote last.  I've applied for a bunch of jobs, requested my 401k payout (which is only the vested amount, taxed to death, so around $500), paid my phone bill, and finished school shopping.  I bought a few groceries and put gas in my car, and I'm almost broke.  I do have  the 401k money coming, but I'm trying to be prudent.  I don't know, after that, when I'll have money again.

Everything is working out, but it also isn't.  I feel out of synch with Joth and it totally bums me out.  Of course I realize that this is largely due to my fluctuating emotions with all the drama which I will describe shortly.  It's hard to stay in synch with someone when that person is all over the place, I get it.  But I feel like when I'm all gushy and lovey-dovey, he's indifferent and distant.  So then I pull back, and eventually he decides he feels like talking to me but by then I'm over it.  But that's not what I'm here to talk about.  Well, in a way it is, but we'll get to that shortly.

I went out there last weekend and I was supposed to stay until Wednesday.  It was Tristan's weekend to go to his dad's.  Two weeks prior, the last time he was scheduled to go there, his dad had backed out.  First of all, Andrew decided to have his Mom babysit because, you know, 2 overnights in a month is just WAYYYYYYYYYYYY too much, I mean sheesh, you gotta get a BREAK from the kid once in a while, am I right?  Wow.  3 days in a row is a LOT, right?  (total sarcasm, in case you didn't notice)

Friday night was pretty cool.  I got to Joth's around 9 and we were supposed to go out dancing, but it was beginning to storm and I had been pulled over on the way to Joth's for my headlight.  Plus, Shyloh hadn't made it back yet from the Willow Ranch so I just hung out at Joth's with him, Josh, and Goonga and we drank a little bit.  We had an amazing night together, we ran around naked outside a little bit and talked about how much we wanted to marry each other and romantic stuff like that.  It was a good night.  We snuggled.  

We spent Saturday CLEANING his place.  I mean like mopping, scrubbing, etc.  We didn't finish everything, but we made pretty decent progress in the kitchen.  I had brought all of my cleaning supplies and we spent the better part of the day doing that.  Later, I picked up Shyloh and some cheap rum and we all hung out.  More nakedness ensued.  It felt delightful and we had a really fun time.  I did some horrible karaoke, which happens more often than not.  This is why I prefer to sing in the shower, or in the kitchen while I wash dishes.  I have a decent voice, but it sucks when I can't breathe.  Shy and I were talking about Sarah and I went to grab my phone to show her a text that she had sent me.  Well, I noticed one that I hadn't read and decided at that time to read it.  Bad decision.  

It said all this bullshit about how she had done nothing wrong and Tristan had done everything wrong, and they had to change babysitters because of him, and he is always pissing off her kids and instigating stuff or whatever.  She said she had tried to help me out by "disciplining" my child and that his behavior problems were because of my bad parenting.  Ha.  I replied that I treat my son like a person, and that what she is doing is not discipline -- it is abuse.  I called her OUT.  I told her about how Tristan's counselor said that he had told him things about her that were reportable to CPS, and that no one else had any problems with Tristan BUT her -- not me, not Joth, not his babysitter Michelle.  And that I knew that her kids were absolute monsters so she had no room to talk -- and furthermore, that SHE is the one with a substantiated child abuse claim.  NOT ME.  There were some cuss words also.

Sunday, my phone was dead for most of the day.  We brought Shyloh back and pretty much lazed around.  I felt anxious for some reason, and finally I turned my phone on to see messages from Sarah telling me to come get my kid or she'd call the cops.  Andrew texting me, mysteriously he suddenly had to go to Traverse City for work and couldn't keep Tristan there.  I had made arrangements already for Michelle to watch Tristan while his dad was at work, but he pissed Sarah off so his dad totally sold him out.  I called Michelle, she said that Tristan could spend the night there.  I needed to drop off his shot record, IEP, and birth certificate at the school on Monday.  I asked her to have Tristan call when he got there so I could make sure he was okay.

He called me and said that Sarah had slammed his head on the ground and he had a bump on it.  He said that she had been screaming at him and called me a bitch, so he slapped her plate of food out of her hand.  So then she slammed his head onto the ground.  I called CPS immediately.  Fuck that shit.  I kept my mouth shut when she grabbed him by the neck and threw him across the room.  I bit my tongue when she slapped him so hard his nose bled.  I talked to his dad when she hit him in the back of the neck with a full 2 liter, hoping we could work things out like sensible adults between us.  But this was the last straw.  I told Andrew that I was calling CPS and he told me just to never send Tristan over there again, problem solved.  Nice.  Choose your psychotic abusive bitch wife over your own son.

Sunday night, things were a little more tense with Joth.  This was really difficult for me to deal with but I tried not to take it out on him.  He was there for me and he was supportive, and I did appreciate that.  Everything was just swirling around me so fast, changing more quickly than I could keep up with it, falling apart at every turn.  I did snap at him a few times, but I apologized.  Things were strained, but okay.  We didn't really snuggle that night, but it was also kind of hot.  

Monday, I checked my account balance and started freaking out about money.  I don't know how to budget myself.  I don't know how to adjust my spending habits from employed to conserving money.  I've never been financially sensible, so this whole thing is confusing and stressful for me.  I'm having a lot of trouble getting acclimated to a more restricted spending mindset.  Of course, I totally knew it was my fault.  I'm a big girl, I make my own choices.  I wrongly argued with Joth because I was mad at myself for not making better choices.  We kind of made up, but our connection had weakened since Friday.  I went and dropped off the papers at Tristan's school and picked him up from Michelle's.  

She said that he had been very good, and that CPS had come and interviewed him and also talked to her about Sarah.  Sarah had also accused her of molesting her daughters, just like she accused Tristan.  I didn't know what to believe before because I wasn't there, and Tristan wouldn't talk about it.  I assumed that he had made a bad decision and felt guilty about it.  Michelle said that Tristan had talked to her about it and said he never did anything.  I asked him, and he said that he had been afraid of what Sarah would do.  My heart totally broke for him.  What a diabolical evil creep.  He finally told me what happened that night, and he had not even been in the girls' room when this allegedly happened.  His dad had been in his own room, and Sarah had come to the girls' room and acted out reprimanding Tristan (although he wasn't even there), then told him to go lie down in his bed (although that's where he was the whole time) THEN went and told his dad that she had walked in on him with his pants down.

Sarah thinks she's punishing me by banning Tristan from their house, but this is a blessing for him.  He won't be in that toxic environment, he'll be much more safe, he'll have a better school year because he won't be immersed in that hell every other weekend.  Things are looking really positive.

Overall, I need to hold on to that.  I got all of my laundry done and I've started packing.  I'm really looking forward to living with Joth and my idealistic mind pictures us cuddling, kissing, reading together and drinking coffee all the time, laughing merrily, and glowing with ever-blossoming romance.  The cynical part of me is scared to death that if he's around me every day, I'm going to destroy a good thing.  That he'll stop loving me or I won't be able to stay positive or that I'll get argumentative or moody and things will go downhill.  

I think we have a really good thing here.  A GREAT thing.  In fact, I've never loved someone so completely ever in my life.  I want to always remember how special he is.  How much more important he is than any idea or ego concept.  We have so much potential.  We have such a great connection, such amazing chemistry, so much in common in so many ways.  We could really be so amazing.  But like tonight, if I didn't have this space, I would have started a stupid argument.  He was active on Facebook for hours, and didn't really seem that interested in talking to me.  He seemed too busy, but busy doing what?  So then I was like, whatever.  Independence -- that's the title of this post.  Now I remember.

I need to not be attached to his attention.  I need to not care about whether or not he wants to talk to me.  It needs to not matter.  I can't be so wrapped up in him that his rejection would be devastating.  I need to back up.  I need friends, that's what I need.  I need other people to invest my time, energy, and affection in so that if one of them isn't returning my energy, it's not like I'm all alone and have no one.  I need to love him in a way that makes him feel free, and I can't do that for him if he's the only one that my whole world revolves around.  I need to gather emotional sustenance from multiple sources, so that I have no expectations of him, no disappointments.  Just to allow things to be as they are and have that be okay.  I need to be independent.

Oh yeah.  And we saw more herons together.  (The picture is the one I took of them)  This is the 3rd time, and always when I am with him.  I never see them when I am alone.  Wanna know what herons mean?

Independence.

Heron Medicine

Rajas

Okay, so today I'm more agitated.  I've been through a few phases already since I woke up.  First, I woke up and it was cloudy.  I was feeling groggy and lethargic.  I didn't want to do anything and felt quite unmotivated.  Eventually, I pushed myself to go get some coffee and turn on some music, which helped.  I put 4 shots of espresso in my coffee and listened to some Sean Paul, which ALWAYS makes me happy.  I got quarters to do laundry, ordered some moving boxes, and spoke to a woman who called me about submitting my resume for a job.  

It's $15/hour, 2 year contract (temp job), call center, 15 minutes from Tristan's new school.  Fuck yeah, I'm totally getting that job.  There are two shifts, one is 8-4:30 and the other is like 10:30 to 7?  I think?  I told her that I could make either one work.  I'm not really sure where to put paragraph breaks because I'm totally all over the place.  Sorry :)

So anyway, I got home and did the dishes.  The kids took out the trash and I started laundry.  I have messaged Joth a couple of times and I'm trying not to worry.  Why should I worry?  Everything is fine.  Of course he's not ignoring me, he probably just stayed up late last night and he's still sleeping.  But why is the loklok screen erased?  

Okay, I need to explain that part.  So, we have this app where we share a lock screen and we can draw on it and stuff.  Yesterday, he drew a picture of a fairy and a moon and a cloud, and wrote, "I love you".  It was awesome.  When I woke up, it was erased.  Also, he's been showing as active on Facebook ever since I woke up around 9.  He hasn't read my messages, though.  Is he mad at me?  What did I do?  I don't WANT to worry but the more time passes, the more scenarios run through my head.  This is so ridiculous.  Why in the world would anything be wrong?  Breatttttthhhhhhhhhhe.  It's just that my energy is so high and it's so easy for one tiny worry to take it in a bad direction.  Okay but I'm in charge here, yes?  I don't want to board that bus.  

Yeah, so he just messaged me and he didn't erase the screen, and Facebook was showing ME active at 1 am.  Damn that Facebook.  I know better than to believe its lies, but still it gets me every time!  So anyway, today I'm doing my study questions for Ayurveda.  Did I mention yesterday how I realized that I'm only 25% of the way through the FIRST QUARTER?  Here I thought that I was making so much progress.  It's exciting, though, because that means that there is so much still to learn!  I am going to be a total wizard at this, and happily so.  I could devote my life to ayurveda (and Joth, and our kids) and be completely content.

So, tonight.  Tonight we are going out dancing!  It is our 11 (lunar) month anniversary.  As you know, our first date was on a new moon.  Next month, it'll be a whole year!  What an amazing year it has been.  I don't even feel like the same person I was at the beginning of this year.  It's been a lot of work, but I've made some incredible gains.  And here, I begin a brand new phase.  I have my son, he's starting a new school, I'm starting a new job and getting ready to finally live with the love of my life...new beginnings everywhere, and I'm so grateful!  Last summer, I became a reiki master.  This summer, I've started both hypnotherapy and ayurveda certification.  I feel like I'm continually blossoming and growing into my purpose, and it feels divine.

Today is a new moon in Leo.  I'm seriously going to create some sacred space and set my intentions.  It's amazing to  read some of the astrologers' reports about this new moon, too.  It fits perfectly with everything I've been experiencing.  What a lovely time to be alive!  What a magical time to be in love <3

New Moon in Leo -- Looking At How We Express And Recieve Love (Collective Evolution)
New Moon in Leo -- The Problem With Having a Heart (Chani Nicholas)
The Lovers' New Moon in Leo -- Soulmates Collide (Elephant Journal)

Sattva

Heya!  Well, I've been studying for hours so I know that I won't be able to do my current mood any justice.  Still, though, I felt that it was important to report on how amazingly things have turned around.  

Joth and I worked through the issue we had, okay the issue I had that he got dragged into.  You see, I was already extra-sensitive and a little...delusional to begin with.  Then, we had an argument the morning I left.  Sunday, was it?  I don't even remember what it was about.  Anyway, I got home and I hadn't heard from him for hours (to be fair, I hadn't reached out to him, either) although Facebook showed him as active the entire time.  So automatically (thanks to past experiences that have nothing to do with him) I assumed that if he is online and not talking to me, it's because he's talking to someone else.

Who else would he be talking to?  Where did he meet her?  Is he still on dating sites?  On a whim, I decided to check his POF account.  It showed a little green dot next to his name.  I tell you, that was the moment I fell to pieces inside.  It was a point driven home with a baseball bat studded with rusty nails.  It was a mix of dread, and breathless denial, seething rage, desperation, indignation, disillusionment, rejection, and just the heavy heavy weight of a shattered dream.  Of course, subconsciously,  there is a part of me that is always waiting to find this.  There is a part of me that expects this, and the rest of me can never relax, because I know she's on a mission and eventually she'll find what she seeks.  To her it isn't if, but when.  This seemed to prove her suspicions, her cold assessment of the male gender, her cynicism regarding love.  

I fell apart.  Oh my god, I love him so much.  I knew that if it was true, I had to leave, but I also knew that I couldn't.  So then I became angry at him for putting me in a position which forced me to do something that would destroy me.  It was that attitude I confronted him with -- the assumption of guilt.  And it was that assumption he reacted to.  This went on for hours.

He reacted with anger, which to me was as good as a confession.  In my past, whenever I have caught someone in a lie, I became very adept at reading their reactions.  And, sadly, this happened enough times that I began to make connections.  Every single time that my accusation had been met with fury or rage, the accused party had in fact been guilty.  So to me, anger means guilt.  The fact that he responded in anger only devastated me further, because secretly a part of me was hoping that somehow I'd be wrong and that he would make me think so.  Not the case.  Oh my god, this is really happening.  (Or so I thought)

I came to find out later that ANY  TIME I put his name in the username search, there is a green dot next to it.  I mean, I had already googled, "Green dot next to name on POF" and other such things just to be very sure that there was no way it could mean anything other than "this user is online".  I was SURE.  But, I was also wrong.

I remember, too, when we broke up for a few days while he was in Arizona.  I, of course, continued to stalk his Facebook profile because even though I refused to break and be the first to contact him in my ignorant self-righteousness, I still loved him and missed him and was utterly consumed by him.  So, I paid attention to location updates, new friends added.  Actually at some point, one of us blocked the other.  After we re-friended each other is when I think I took notice of anyone he had friended.  I thought I had memorized the list.  So later, when his friend Katy's dad "liked" a photo I had tagged him in...that I couldn't even see, because of his privacy settings, I was SURE that he had only just recently been added and I was hurt and upset that he was able to see things as a new friend that I couldn't, as his girlfriend.  Does that make sense?  I could explain more clearly, but I don't want to go on forever about this one little thing. 

Anyway, the point was, when I came at him about THAT he had also reacted with extreme anger.  We had a huge fight.  I later discovered, though, that I was wrong.  Upon realizing that Joth's anger does NOT come from guilt, as it has with previous partners, but truly from the fact that I am accusing him...the fact that I don't trust him....well that was an a-ha moment for me.  This argument was horrible, but I came to understand him a little more.  And to trust him a little more.  

He made a few very good points, as well.  He has never accused me or questioned me or doubted me, EVEN THOUGH Cuntasaurus Bitch FLAT OUT told him that I was a working prostitute RIGHT NOW.  Which, of course, I am not.  But what would I have done if the roles were reversed?  I was ashamed to realize that I probably wouldn't have believed me.  I deserve his trust, in that I've never done anything to betray him.  But also, I don't, in that I don't give him the same level.  Or at all.  Because...why?  Because he has a penis?  He's already proven that he isn't like anyone else I know.  That's why I love him so much.  I really need to fix this.

So, this weekend, we're going to.  We're spending all day Sunday doing some hypnosis/NLP stuff.  Saturday is going to be our cleaning day.  Friday night, we're going out dancing in Kalamazoo....YAYYYYYY I am so excited!!!!  The remarkable thing that I came to describe, though, is the quality of happiness and joy that I am experiencing now.  Over the past couple of days, it's truly phenomenal.  It isn't just because I'm manic, because I have been manic before and angry, or irritable, or self-destructive.  

I realized as I studied Ayurveda today, though, that sometimes my mania is Sattvic and sometimes it is Rajasic.  Even though Rajas is associated with action and movement, it is more like an agitated, ego-driven movement.  Sattva can be movement as well, but of a pure intention.  Bliss and joy, not excess stimulation and sensory indulgence.  You can have just as much energy with Sattva as with Rajas, the difference is in the purity.  I feel just a pure, joyful, peaceful, illuminating sensation of unadulterated happiness right now.  

I feel like I'm on the right track pursuing my passion.  It feels so right.  I also feel this incredible soul connection with the most inspiring, lovable, brilliant, gorgeous human I have ever encountered.  This is the same intensity as infatuation, but it's so much deeper.  This is pure ecstasy.  I can't put into words how divinely blessed I feel to have such a significant relationship in my life.  The breadth and depth of my love for him is immeasurable, it transcends space and time, and illuminates every corner of my being.  Well, you know, if my being had corners.  

I went from feeling like I was going to die a few days ago to being able to rest in the assuredness that everything will be okay, and to bask in the blissful glow of a life I love.  Even though I have a lot going on, I feel optimistic.  I feel capable.  I have hope, I have trust, I have faith.  I am enjoying the journey.  I keep applying for jobs and doing what I need to do on that front.  I've found a few that I am a great fit for.  Also, I continue to check in with Darren.  I picked up Tristan's meds and took him to the eye doctor today (before my insurance ends).  I keep cleaning, doing dishes, and doing my studying.  Anyway, I could probably talk more but I think I'm going to just relax for a while.  

Original Sin

What a stupid concept.  Oh, that's Tori Amos, by the way.  From her Original Sinsuality tour.  Myyyyyyyy bodyyyyyyyyyy haaaaaaaaaaaates meeeeeeeeeeee.  I can see why they thought menstruation was some type of curse.  So, yeah, my period is here.  The last one came on the full moon, this one waited until almost the new moon...how the hell am I ever supposed to keep track???

My depression is over.  I do have some anxiety, though.  I still haven't heard back from Darren.  I left him a voicemail this morning and did some job hunting, but I couldn't really find anything.  I'm just going to breathe.  It's all going to be okay.  I feel like I'm going to vomit.

I woke up at 7 this morning, and without the feeling of heaviness and dread.  I woke up just feeling normal.  Well, super crampy, but otherwise normal.  I did module 3 of the hypnotherapy certification course yesterday and I think today I'm going to get a head start on tomorrow's ayurveda work.  Each section is pretty comprehensive and I really cramped up my hand during the last one.

I have to get Tristan's prescription and pick up Jewel.  I don't really have a whole lot to say today, since I am actively blocking out most of what is going on in my mind.  I'm trying to drown it out with the repetition of the mantra EVERYTHING IS OKAY EVERYTHING IS OKAY EVERYTHING IS OKAY.

Houseguest

I am fighting.  I am fighting so, so hard.  I can NOT let this depression take me under, get the best of me.  I still have free will.  I still get to decide.  I'm still in control.  This is not the time.

The more I think about how this isn't the time, and the reasons why, my anxiety grows and swells like a menacing wave in this sea of emotional toxicity, threatening to take me under.  School starts in, like, 3 weeks.  I have to pack.  I have to do school shopping.  I haven't heard back from Darren yet so I'm not sure what's going on with the employment thing, and until I know that, I can't possibly figure out what's going on with the living situation thing.  I feel like I just don't have enough time.  What's going to happen to me?

This low isn't like the last one.  The last one, after Hoodilidoo, was just nothing.  I was just gone, empty, detached.  I was afraid that I would never feel again, but in contrast, THIS low is too MUCH feeling.  An overwhelming abundance of thick, dark, suffocating sorrow.  The intensity dial of feeling is dialed up to maximum input, but it's set on misery.  Maybe it would be better to be numbed.  Maybe it would be a relief to detach.  How can I escape?  Here's a poem I wrote like 5 or 6 years ago about depression.

Never mind, I'm going to have to paste it at the bottom.  If I center it, then I can't set the text afterward to align at the right again for some reason.  I woke up this morning and, for the second morning in a row, experienced that horrible discomfort when consciousness returns...bringing with it all of your worries, concerns, and sadness.  Oh yeah, that's right.  That happened.  It makes me just want to crawl back under the covers and retreat to the sweet oblivion of sleep, forever.  As soon as I remember, I immediately wish I could just forget.  But, I couldn't sleep anymore.  This depression has a twinge of mania in it, just enough to make me feel truly mad.  So I have to stay AWAKE and deal with EVERY miserable feeling.  There is no escape, no solace in sleep.

I have read that mixed episodes are the most suicidal times.  During depression, you feel the lowest, but you also have the lowest energy.  You can't even muster up the energy to formulate a coherent plan to kill yourself, much less get off the couch or the bed and actually put this plan into action.  When you're manic, well, why would you kill yourself then?  You're too busy, too happy -- even if you're angry, you still have WAYYYYYYYY too much going on.  But if you add the sorrow of depression to the energy of mania, you have a perfect recipe for disaster.

I'm not going to do it.  I decided to get out of bed, put on some music, drink some coffee, and talk about my feelings until maybe they feel seen and go away.  I'm not saying that no one sees my feelings.  The thing is, who can I talk to about them now?  

Joth's focus right now is on how I hurt him because I accused him of something he didn't do.  So I can't talk about how I feel, because he thinks I'm denying his hurt, minimizing, or blaming him.  I know this isn't his fault.  But what happened with him is a symptom of the very thing I am trying to describe here.  This tornado of destruction didn't just annihilate him, it is actively destroying me as well.  He was a casualty, yes, and I am sorry for that.  I didn't summon it.  It doesn't do my bidding.  It has engulfed me, and under its influence, I behaved in a way that hurt him.

Now, that makes it sound like I'm not responsible for what I said, and I'm a big proponent of taking responsibility for our actions.  Just like today, although I am overcome by depression, I still CHOOSE every single action and am still ultimately responsible for every choice I make...I am also responsible for what I did to him.  I don't like it when abusive drunks blame their actions on the alcohol and I won't do that here.  Something I'm learning is that everyone has a reason for the pain that they cause, and as legitimate as that reason may seem, it does not absolve them of guilt.  

Hurt people hurt people.  Just because I live inside my body and can see the connection from my experiences to the way I interact with the outside world doesn't mean that I am any more justified in dealing the same pain I have been dealt.  It doesn't even anything up.  It doesn't ease my own suffering to inflict it on anyone else.  But seeing how my own inner pain provokes me to make choices that are painful to others has been an a-ha moment for me.  

For example, I have been cheated on a lot.  The first time was the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life, because I was still a teenager, it was new, I had no experience in dealing with this, and had not prepared myself for the possibility that it could happen.  It was my first love and I was infatuated.  I adored him, I believed everything he said, in my eyes he was perfect.  I thought that he meant everything he said.  I assumed that he felt the same.  I lost my virginity to him and found out later that the same weekend he had been cheating on me.  For YEARS after that, I couldn't cope.  I couldn't let him go until I was 26.  TWENTY SIX.  I met him when I was 14.  

I'm not going to blame him, because he was a teenage boy and people cheat all the time.  But that destroyed me and created this fear that had not existed before.  From then on, feelings of love were laced with panic and terror of what I came to believe love naturally leads to -- betrayal and heartache.  I don't know how I survived it.  In every relationship after that until I was 19, I cheated on everyone.  I felt a little bit better if I did it first.  If it was going to happen, I wanted to make sure I beat them to the punch.  I wasn't going to suffer like that again.  No way.  No one else would ever rip my heart out like that.  

I never considered that I was doing to THEM what Jay had done to me.  I never thought that his motivation for doing it to me may have been the same motivation I had for doing it to everyone who followed.  It wasn't okay for him, and it wasn't okay for me.

But every time I trust, every time I start to feel that blissful unfettered admiration swelling in my chest, it feels like my first love.  It feels like before I was changed by heartache, still innocent in my view of romance, experiencing it untainted and unfiltered.  You would think this would be a lovely thing to feel.  It isn't.  Because now I know how that story ends.  

Any time I feel like I did when I was 14, I assume that it will lead to the same destructive soul-shredding misery.  Now, I know it isn't okay to do the thing that I am afraid of having done to me -- in fact, that destroys any chance at having a healthy relationship.  I can't run away from the feelings of intense discomfort, although they make me squirm and sweat.  So what else can I do?  I have to sit with this anxiety.  I have to keep climbing the staircase, even though I am sure that a monster lurks at the top.  I want to be in love, but it scares me to death.  And sometimes, when hormones get added to the mix, the storm churning inside of me gets to be even more than I can handle, too big to suppress, and it lays waste to everything in its proximity.

I had been dealing with my bipolar successfully before I got into a relationship.  The two major lows that I have had this year were not related to weather but triggered by arguments with Joth.  Arguments which were bad enough that they reached the point where I thought he would stop loving me and that I would lose him.  I chide myself for allowing myself to love so deeply.  What was I getting myself into?  Didn't I realize how dangerous this was for me?  In the interest of self-preservation, I should never never NEVER have fallen in love like that.  Now, I have loved people since Jay.  But no one -- NO ONE -- has permeated every barrier that I have erected.  I let people get close, but I always keep in mind that there has to be enough distance so that it won't destroy me if they leave.  I always maintain a protective bubble.  I have no bubble now.  If this ship capsizes, I'm going down with it.  I am not comfortable with this much trust because I know from this level how devastating it would be to be wrong.

Minding my business, then there was you
Invading my life just out of the blue
I know your type, I’ve been through the drill
You stay for a night and you’re hanging ‘round still/

Needless to mention, you’re cramping my style
I find you repulsive, repugnant, and vile
I want you to leave, do you hear what I said?
I wish I could kill you! I wish you were DEAD!/

Why won’t you listen? Why won’t you GO?
I don’t even feed you yet somehow you grow
If I only knew how, I would ban you forever
Depression, by far you’re the worst houseguest ever.

Prepare to Meet Satan

My head hurts.  It isn't sunny outside, which isn't helping.  Yesterday I was down so low.  SO low.  I was looking up pictures of slit wrists which actually horrified me to the point that I decided I could most definitely never do that.  Nope.  Grosssssssss.  

Also, I became sad because most of these were teenagers, mostly girls but also some boys.  These cries -- desperate tortured SCREAMS -- for help, what motivates them?  What hell are these kids trapped in?  How would it feel to be a parent of one of these hopeless teenagers, trenches cut inches deep into youthful skin?  My heart hurt for them, and for their parents, and for the world we live in which drives people to such drastic measures.  Didn't they feel loved?  Weren't they loved?  Didn't someone ever tell them they mattered?

I thought of myself as a teenager, and recalled the intensity of the despair I had felt too.  Agony.  Heart-wrenching uncontrollable torture.  I just never had the guts to do a thing like that.  Why, when I feel it, do I not question it...but when I see others hurting in the same way, I feel compelled to make them see that they don't have to suffer like that?  Why do I think that I'm the exception?  Why do I think I'm the only one justified in wanting to get off this wicked merry-go-round of disappointment and pain?  Why am I such a hypocrite?  How can I restore hope to others when I have none myself?  How can I heal anyone when I am so broken myself?

I'm so mixed up and confused.  The only reason I'm even entertaining the notion that I'm wrong is because it IS period time.  I don't know why, and please don't laugh because I'm completely serious, but everyone ELSE seems to go crazy the week before my period.  All the bad things always happen the same time every month.  My kids argue with each other and ignore me, Sarah makes stupid ass bitchy ignorant comments, my customers are more argumentative and rude, my boyfriend is irrational...but I am just the same as I ever was.  I truly believe this.  Now, I know that logically this can not be true.  It must BE me.  But how?  Everything I do seems justified.  Everything I see seems real.  Everything I believe feels true.  It's bewildering, and scary.

It's like this Berenstein Bears thing.  I just found out that my entire childhood, while I THOUGHT I was reading Berenstein Bears, the whole time it was always Berenstain Bears.  I can't wrap my head around this.  I would have made a bet of all my worldly assets that my recollection was accurate.  But there are pictures, there is evidence.  I was wrong the whole time.  How can this be?  How can I trust my brain?

I'm always torn between the desire to trust the ones I love and the desire to protect myself from heartbreak.  I'm an especially fragile person.  I feel things much more deeply than most people do, which makes relationships fraught with danger.  Even the idea of entrusting someone with my heart is a serious commitment which needs to be considered very carefully.  Once someone gets in the inner circle, there's no way they can get out without serious trauma to my heart and soul.  

Some people can get over things.  Normal human beings can process breakups like a minor inconvenience and go about their days, still functioning.  I can no sooner function when threatened with the loss of my partner than I could if you took out my beating heart.  It isn't just that.  As hard as it is to lose someone I have bonded with, it's a million times worse with Joth.  He doesn't feel just like a part of my life, an accessory which can be removed like a rearview mirror in a car.  He is the fucking ENGINE.  This doesn't work without him.  It never could.  

I've put every single bit of trust and faith and belief in this, but because it is so hard for me to trust, knowing this terrifies me and I know that there's no backing out so I'm constantly sick with worry and fear that he will slash me to pieces, as only he can, because I've let him in closer than anyone has ever been before and connected with him more deeply than I ever believed myself capable of connecting with anything in this universe.  In the background of my mind there is the constant, low, steady hum repeating day and night.  No one could ever really love you.

I was so sure that I was right.  Everything felt so different with him.  There were so many unexplainable coincidences, so much synchronicity, mindblowing magic.  I have experienced so much throughout this "blessed union of souls" (sorry it's cheesy and I don't mean to rip off the band but it seemed to fit) that I let go of any hesitation and threw myself into this, committed myself, made a PROMISE, gave him all of my loyalty and honesty and 100% of the best I ever had to give.  

But now I'm afraid.  I don't think I was wrong about soulmates, but I have come to the shocking realization that even your soulmate can hurt you.  Even your soulmate might leave you.  Just because it's a sacred connection doesn't mean you don't both have free will, and aren't both still horribly tragically human, and won't still make mistakes.  I have made my share.  

When we fight, it's awful.  It reduces me to a shivering puddle of tears.  It hurts to the core, a worse searing pain than anything physical I have ever felt in my life.  It feels like I'm dying.  We go back and forth, and the negativity gets whipped up and frothed into a frenzy of hurt and wounding and blame and anger, attacking and defending.  It becomes an airplane, careening wildly through the sky, it can't be steered, it can't be slowed, it can't be stopped, and every attempt to regain control of our trajectory results in more frightening loops and turns and unexpected failing of necessary parts until the whole thing goes into shutdown mode and speeds dangerously to the earth.  Are we eventually going to crash and burn?  Is there anything that can save us?  Is this the beginning of the end for us?  Are we just rearranging chairs on the Titanic at this point, or does anything remain of the core of love and trust we built all of this on?  Is the pilot still on, or has it all burned out?

Heartbreak

I press
A rusty blade
Against my wrist
The love
I thought we had
Does not exist.

I'm not actually going to kill myself, not in the physical sense. I am dead inside, though, and I don't ever want to come out again.  Never.  Not for anyone.  This game is stupid, I hate love, and I'm tired of emotions.  All of this is total bullshit and I'm exhausted.  Just done.  

I was betting on us.  Despite his beliefs to the contrary, I trusted him.  I have learned that no man can be trusted.  If this person, this person that I thought I had magic with, this person I loved with every part of me, to the end and back...if this person who made me believe in soulmates, well if none of it was ever real, I've fallen for the most damaging lie and suffered this most fatal blow.  I don't know anymore what was real and what wasn't.  I don't know if he faked the emotions he claimed to have for me, if he ever felt the type of love he professed.  

I thought he was some magical divine being, but he's just a man.  He's just a man and I'm just a woman and I'm stupid for ever believing that I deserved what I thought I had.  Of course I didn't.  It doesn't even exist.

I don't know what I'm going to do now.  I really don't.  Even if I get this job, I can't afford a place by myself now.  And I certainly can't afford daycare on top of all that.  I can't get my job back.  I'm going to lose everything.  Tristan will have to live with his dad and endure more psychological damage at the hands of Sarah.  His life and my life are both ruined.  I wish I could take it all back.

Crazy Energy

Doooo you like my altar?  The yellow calcite was super charged under the full moon with the lightning and rain.  We had a magnificent storm the other night.  I wanted to charge all of my crystals that way, but my neighbors were giving me strange looks as I was standing out on my patio barefoot holding the crystal globe up to the sky cupped in my outstretched hands.  The energy, though, feels AMAZING.

Yesterday, I did module 2 of the hypnotherapy course.  There are 8.  As soon as I'm finished blogging, I'm going to do the homework portion.  This section was about the pre-talk -- specifically, the importance of saying "YOU MAY BE AWARE OF EVERYTHING I SAY DURING THIS SESSION AND THAT'S OKAY YOU ARE STILL IN HYPNOSIS".  I learned quite a bit, as well, just from reading HIS pre-talk.  I wrote the whole thing down, thinking I'd be using it, but at the end of the module the homework assignment was to write my OWN, at least 750 words.  I am to use some of the history, information from the articles I looked up for module 1 homework, and use a lot of scientific stuff but not worded in a way that would be difficult to understand.

Here are the articles:
hypno articles

I am about to move on to my next section of ayurveda today, too.  I have a lot going on!  I got a lot of cleaning done yesterday.  As soon as I get my final paycheck, I'm going to get some boxes and start packing up non-essential items.  I'm just going on a wing and a prayer right now, but as long as I have another job by the end of the month, everything should be fine.  I will have enough from my 401k for a deposit on a new place, so I'm hoping this will be a pretty seamless transition.  

I can take this time right now to tie up all of my loose ends -- cleaning, packing, contacting a different school for Tristan, etc.  That reminds me, I need to call them today.  I am beginning to worry that Montessori isn't the right choice for Tristan.  It's difficult with him -- he is too oppositional to "fall in line", but he gets too easily overwhelmed if there are too many choices, or too much going on around him.  I know that he needs a small classroom.  

I can't really enroll him in any Battle Creek public school because he is not a resident of the school district yet.  My only choices are MIChoice schools, the charter schools.  I saw one on the way back to Joth's from my job interview, and I remembered that I had looked into them before but dismissed them as too restrictive.  Maybe a little bit more structure is what he needs, though.  I don't know.  I feel like whatever I choose, it's going to be an issue.

I just heard this commercial on Pandora about participating in a birth control study.  Free birth control for a year, yeahhhh!  I don't know whether that's a smart idea, though.  Someone's got to be the guinea pig, but what if it makes me fat?  It seems too risky.  

I need to refill my coffee, and then I have a LOT of studying to do, meditation, and yoga!  Let's DO this!!!

GERONIMO!!!!!!!!

This is what the universe is doing to me right now.  Or maybe I'm just crazy.  Am I in my right mind?  How would I even know?  It's too late to un-leap, in any case.  The bridge has been burned.  No other direction left but forward.

Mood tracking, super manic.  This is why I don't completely trust my judgement right now.  Am I making impulsive decisions that I will come to regret later?  Am I continuing on a self-destructive pattern?  Or is this time REALLY different?  It feels like it is.  Maybe I should explain what I'm talking about.

Yesterday was a day that I will remember for a long time.  It was a turning point, for better or for worse.  I am hoping it was the former, but my past history is every indication that it is just as likely to be the latter.  This part scares me.  I THINK I'm sure, but am I SURE sure?  Yesterday, I threw away all the security I have in the world to pursue an uncertain possibility with no guaranteed outcome.  

I had 12 hours of sick time, and I was just going to call in to go to my job interview in Battle Creek.  No problem, right?  We all know that I'm on a final warning (was), so I had to follow the rules.  I got my phone charged and called in.  My boss' boss answered.  Oh no, this is not good.  I just couldn't do it.  It's one thing to call in and talk to a supervisor, which gives me enough anxiety in and of itself.  But to get the BOSS boss.  No, no way.  I couldn't do it.  I hung up.  I dropped Tristan off at his dad's and went ALLLLL the way to work.  I went a half hour in the OPPOSITE direction that I needed to go just so I didn't have to tell Steve over the phone that I wasn't coming in.  

I planned to just get there, log in, and email my supervisor that I had to go.  I did that at 11.  By 12:30, he had still responded.  Could I have walked up to him?  Yes.  In theory.  I could NOT bring myself to face him.  I was terrified.  So much that I just emailed him that I was leaving and I LEFT.

Now, I was planning on coming in this morning and giving my two weeks' notice.  I mean, come on, we all know I was getting fired anyway so this was just a way to beat them to the punch so it looks better on my record.  Plus, it was a way for me to try to secure two more weeks of pay.  Then last night, coincidentally, I got into an argument with Sarah.

Well, it wasn't really an argument.  I had just had enough of her bullshit.  I was already in an irate mood toward her because on the way home from picking Tristan up, he told me this HORRIBLE story about her that I had never heard before.  Don't get me wrong, I can't assume it's true.  I would think that he would have told me before NOW if it was.  I remember when he told me that she shoved a blanket in his mouth because he was crying.  That was bad enough, and I called CPS about it at the time and everything.  I think he was four years old.  The things is, he refused to EVER talk about it to ANYONE.  The more we asked questions, the more he shut down.  He'd change the subject and there was just nothing anyone could do.

Yesterday, he told me that Sarah tried telling him that he didn't remember that day.  He said, "Just because SHE has a bad memory doesn't mean I don't remember.  I think she just remembers a little bit, and makes the rest up."  (I think she DOES remember, and lies, but I digress).  He said, "She told me that I was crying in my room and she came in and I threw my blanket and she covered my mouth with the blanket because I was screaming."  

I asked him, "Is that not what happened?"  (Because up until yesterday, this is what I thought had occurred also).

He said, "NO.  I was NOT crying.  I was just in bed, being quiet.  Then she just randomly came in for NO reason and shoved a blanket in my mouth and it was like Jeff the Killer!"  (I don't know who that is)

I asked him, "So, how did you get her to stop?"  He replied, "I didn't.  I heard my dad come in and I tried yelling for my dad but I couldn't breathe.  Then she told me not to say anything and ran back out onto the couch before my dad came in."  I asked him if he told his dad and he said no, because Sarah had told him not to say anything.  He told me that his dad noticed that his bedroom door was open.

THIS MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY.  Whatever happened that day, at the very least we know that she covered his mouth with a blanket.  Did she try to fucking KILL him?  To be honest, I get super weird vibes from her and she is super scary fucked up.  She's one of those people who is sooooo good at making an impression on you of being sweet, innocent, and helpful but has an evil, rotten core.  It makes me shudder.  She reminds me of Cuntasaurus Bitch.   That chick was crazy, too.  But SMART crazy, like if you tried to tell anyone how insane she was, they'd never believe you.  Not unless they'd gotten close enough to see it for themselves.  

Now, I'm not saying that Sarah is smart, because she isn't.  She has only an eighth grade education and the IQ of a potato chip.  But she is frighteningly manipulative.  I'm not falling for it anymore.

Anyway, so I was in that state of mind when we got home.  We were making food, and Tristan told me that Sarah had told him that I shouldn't be making him cook food, and I should be making his food for him.  Really?  I sent off a text saying that IF she had said that, and I wasn't assuming she did, but IF she did then it was kind of funny that teaching my son life skills would be considered bad parenting.  I said, "At least I don't slap him until his nose bleeds, grab him by the neck and throw him across the room, or hit him with a 2 liter.  THAT would be bad parenting."  Smiley face.  

I kept all of those things inside in an effort to get along with them.  I knew that if I made Sarah mad, she would only make things worse for everyone.  I couldn't call CPS because it would be too easy for them to just say that I was being a vindictive parent and trying to get back at them for something.  No one would take me seriously.  

Anyway, after I sent her that text she went off about how she's such a good mom and she does so much for me and blah blah blah fuck you, I'm not helping you anymore.  And I was like, yeah, fuck YOU, I don't need your so-called "help", thanks but no thanks.  She told me not to bring Tristan over there anymore.  Fine by me.

So, yeah, here I am today.  At home.  Without a job.  Uncertain and terrified.  My interview yesterday seemed to go well, but she had more interviews this week and I didn't get a definite feeling of a "yes".  She seemed ambivalent about me.  I know that Darren submitted my resume for a few other jobs, but now the clock is ticking.

I have until the end of this month to be in this apartment, to use my insurance.  I need to contact another school in the area that may be able to offer smaller classrooms.  I need to get his community mental health transferred to calhoun county, I need to apply for medicaid, I need to get him to the eye doctor, get school supplies, pack up all of my stuff here.  I'm excited, because this is a brand new start.  I know that I'm capable.  I feel much better about this than I thought I would, but if I think about it for a long enough time, I start to freak out again.

It's time, though.  It's time to go out into this world and do something magical.  It's time to live the life I was meant for.  It's time to get back to yoga, focus more on the ayurveda and hypnotherapy, make healthy eating a priority, and leave this life behind me.  I don't know if I feel ready, but I suspect that maybe I never WOULD feel ready.  Maybe that's why mama birds have to kick the babies out of the nest.  No one ever feels ready, sometimes we just need a push to discover that we can fly.

Moon Magic

Sure, I don't post as often as I used to.  That's one downside of having the 11-8 shift, and having Tristan all the time (which I would choose over anything, so I have no regrets).  I leave my house at 9:30 in the morning and return at 9:30 in the evening.  I have been taking the extra evening time to study for the hypnotherapy certification and the ayurveda course, which I've totally thrown myself into.  I had a little bit of a break last weekend, but today is Tuesday so back to it.

Speaking of last weekend, let's talk about that.  FYI I've been up since...well, did I ever really sleep?  I woke up every hour, at least.  The moon isn't at its fullest point but it seems to be having the maximum impact now.  Perhaps it's also my excitement at having a job interview today.  

Anyway, this past weekend was not my weekend to have the kids.  However, at 4:15 on Friday, Andrew suddenly notified me that he didn't think Tristan should come because he and Sarah were fighting.  Must be nice to just be a parent when it's convenient for you, eh?  I'm not bothered by it.  At least Tristan knows who he can count on.  I brought him out to Joth's with me, realizing halfway there that I forgot his medication.  We went to a bonfire at Jeff and Deanna's, and Tristan stayed up ALL. NIGHT. LONG.  Saturday, he was just....*sigh*.  Oh my gosh.  It was hard.  I know he doesn't want to act that way, but it was totally stressing me out.  I had to work Sunday, I was getting irritable, and I had upset Joth so I decided I should just go to bed.  So I did.

I read this article which I shared with Joth which was so helpful that I feel like I should read it every day and commit it to memory.  Maybe I'll print it out and post it on my fridge.  It was talking about how misunderstandings develop between couples, specifically how we are not capable of accurately interpreting the intentions of our partner when we are operating from a place of stress and anxiety.  I shared it on my page, but here's the link as well:

Threat Emotions

We discussed the article and had a very enlightening conversation.  I loved it.  It solidified our commitment to one another and we agreed that moving forward, we would not speak of or hint at the possibility of either partner leaving because it isn't going to happen so that's off the table.  I learned a lot from that article, and the conversation it sparked between Joth and I was very healing.  

I'm so excited for this job interview, and I was so apprehensive about everything else falling into place.  I have just decided to surrender and allow everything to work itself out.  The energy doesn't start flowing until I let go.  It's like water flowing through a hose.  If, in my anxiety, I am squeezing the hose together and crimping it with my death grip of fear, the water can't flow  through.  I have seen enough magic over the past year to know that anything is possible.  

I got Tristan enrolled in the Montessori school and started looking at rental houses near Battle Creek.  I was worried that I wouldn't find a suitable place for an affordable price, but I found a few houses that would work out perfectly for us.  Now, the chances that those specific houses would be available when we need them are slim, but it proved to me that there would be options.  

So, everything that I worried so much about -- the job, the school, the house -- it seems to be working out.  I don't know how Tristan will do in a Montessori school, though.  At first I thought it would be perfect because it's very student-led.  He's been telling me, though, that he gets overwhelmed when there are many students and a lot of things going on at once.  Now I'm wondering whether he needs a smaller classroom, not the giant Montessori free-for-all.  Should I contact another school?  I don't know.  

Well, I am going to make coffee and take a shower.  Ciao!