So, the theme of the Scorpio full moon is all about mystery and darkness, facing the shadow, and no one is saying it's going to be easy. Couple THAT with the impending Mercury retrograde...didn't we just DO this????...and I'm a wee bit freaked out.
I am grateful in advance for all the transformation this will bring to my life. I'm going to show up and DO this, and in a way I'm excited. But in a way, I'm kind of dreading it. What's going to happen? What will break, and what will be renewed? What will be strengthened, and what will be discarded? Will I be refined, or will I just melt? Do I have the strength of character that it will take to withstand the coming tests, or will I crumble under their weight? Am I the warrior that some believe me to be, or have I always just been a clever impostor?
I'm a little disappointed in myself. Even though I came out of the low, I think, I still haven't rejoined the world. I have not participated in the yoga challenge OR the parenting boot camp. I flaked out on my hairdresser AND on the book club. Again. I am that pain in the ass person who always RSVPs "yes" because I really DO intend to go, but I never show up. I also no-showed the past life regression meditation even though I had paid 2 deposits. I need to get unstuck! I am accomplishing NOTHING!
Well, that's not exactly true. I did finish that interview with Spherion and sent the documents he needs to be printed, and I'll be faxing them today. I also made a plan for a different joint custody arrangement with Tristan so I will have him every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights at least until school ends. Also, I decided that out of the two positions I spoke with Darren about, it would be better if I focused on the one in Battle Creek. Rather than commuting, Joth said it would be okay if I stayed with him during the week since I don't have Tristan anyway. So there would be no reason for me to drive an hour there and an hour home every day, right?
Also, I've been putting a lot of psychic energy into parenting and girlfriending. New word. :) I was reading this poster about the cycle of abuse on one of the women's groups I belong to on Facebook. We are taught that people who do these things basically aren't even people. They deserve no love or compassion, only our contempt. They are irredeemable and worthless. That has never sat right with me. Sure, I have been in abusive relationships. And yes, I agree that to hurt another is absolutely wrong. But what chance does a person who engages in these behaviors have to change when the message is clear that there is no hope for them?
Sorry, I just lost my train of thought because I got distracted by the realization that I got removed from the group I THOUGHT I belonged to. I joined, there was supposed to be a February meeting and it was postponed until March, details never followed and I've been waiting. Sure, my schedule pretty much prohibits me from participating in ANYTHING. And when I DO RSVP to things, I hardly ever show up. I am unreliable and undependable. I know this. But I'm still so sad and feel rejected and unwanted.
How long did I do things with the sister circle but never really felt like I BELONGED? I think it was all in my head, though, honestly. I was looking through the overlay of past experience, the circles of girls on the playground that I always seemed to be on the outside of. Maybe they could have really liked me, maybe we could have been the best of friends. Even though for a while I did show up to every full moon and new moon, I never really opened up. I never really did connect. How can I feel sorry for myself now for being excluded from something I shut myself off from? It all makes me want to just start over, find a new group of friends, try again in another place. Another reason that I find it difficult to re-engage with these women is that they are a reminder of who I used to be.
They met me as the woman who was living in a shelter, pregnant with a married man's baby, without either of her children living with her. My entire life was a giant mistake. I can't help but feel like that's what they see whenever they look at me. That, even though my life has changed, they should feel sorry for me. I just want to forget about it all as much as possible, leave it behind me, be someone else. I can't do that if I'm still connected to the people who saw me at the very bottom.
Anyway, this isn't a pity party. This is a full moon, a time of releasing, and I release everything from the past. We were never all that close anyway. I'll start over. I'll move forward. I'll stop trying to resurrect things that are dead and build new things that fit better into my current life. There are other things from the past that seem determined to pop up, and while I was dismayed at the skeletons tumbling out of the closet, I couldn't have asked for a better partner to be here by my side when it happened. As I mentioned, Joth already knew about my past. Someone decided to take it upon themselves to attempt to break the news to him, probably thinking it would ruin our relationship. Shit, this was FIVE YEARS AGO. I feel really sorry for the lame ass loser who is still hung up on who I used to be. Anyway, he totally shrugged it off like it was nothing and our relationship is stronger than ever. I have no doubt in my mind that he's absolutely the one. As an added bonus, he introduced me to his friend who is a private investigator and we went over some details. You never can be too careful, I suppose.
The only part that freaked me out is that somehow this person not only found ME, but figured out who I was dating and somehow found his number. Who would go to all that trouble? Who would waste all that time? So anyway, understandably, we had to take precautions. I have a suspicion about who it is and I gave him all the information I have. It all kind of fits, too.
Of COURSE it was Bruce. He's the only one who used to read my old blog, he friend requested me on Facebook, and he used to give me all of these books about bipolar. HE was the one who sent those books to Brian's. Yes, he knew all of those last names of my exes -- just as now he knows who my current boyfriend is. He had suggested before that he thought I was narcissistic. It would make sense that HE would be the one to send the books. And now HE'S the one harassing my boyfriend. Just can't let it go. But I have to wonder...if I'm narcissistic, but YOU are still hung up on some working girl from 5 years ago, who's the crazy one?
No comments:
Post a Comment