Again, I'm starting without a title or a picture. I don't want to spend too much time deliberating and then lose my motivation. So, I'm in a weird manic state. I wasn't even sure at first if that's what it was, because this happened also after I had Sienna and I thought it was postpartum depression. Juliea kept texting me to remind me to eat, and even still I couldn't force myself to.
I was on Zoloft, though (just in case, because of my history...and considering the circumstances, PPD was likely) and I think the Zoloft triggered mania. That's why people with bipolar are advised against taking antidepressants, because that's what usually happens. I remember when I took Prozac after I had Tristan, except that wasn't a PLEASANT mania in any way. I also lost my appetite then. That was more rage.
I think the circumstances dictate the way the energy will manifest. It's just like in the universe. There is no "good" energy or "bad" energy, it's all in intention. So mania is, in itself, neither positive nor negative. But if you are around irritating people or dealing with irritating things, it will present as irritation or anger. If you are surrounded by positive things and people, you may get the sparkly euphoric effect.
The difficulty is that also during mania, sensitivity is heightened. This makes one seem volatile. The slightest positive stimulus could send one reeling into ecstasy -- a simple smile, a mild compliment, a good song. But on the flip side, it only takes the tiniest negative provocation to send the pendulum forcefully speeding in the other direction. An expression of disapproval, a violent scene on TV, stubbing your toe on the couch.
So, I don't care to eat. It's extraordinarily difficult to explain, but I will try. It's not that I'm not hungry or that I don't WANT to eat. It's not even that I'm physically too busy to do it. I just can't force myself to organize my thoughts enough to direct them to accomplishing eating. Yesterday, I was on my lunch break. I didn't feel hungry, I didn't feel NOT hungry. But it was lunch and I had a couple dollars and I decided I should eat. I just stood in front of the cooler thing at work, staring at everything. I couldn't decide. None of the options were offputting, but none of them were appealing either. I decided it just didn't matter enough to try to make a decision. I do that a lot. I can't decide on what to eat, so I just give up and don't eat anything. That's the best I can describe it, but it really is a weird feeling. I wasn't even sure if it was a depressive trait or a manic trait.
So, new moon in Taurus on Sunday and Mercury retrograde on Monday...wooooooooooo. Hold on to your asses! Although we are in the retrograde shadow and I had the worst of expectations, things have actually been pretty awesome so far. I had a meeting with my supervisor and my numbers are still all above call center average, which surprised me. Over the past few weeks, I honestly just stopped giving a shit. I thought I was going to get that job in Battle Creek, plus Tristan was having his issues with the cops coming to school and everything, then there was the day I had a migraine and whatever else.
THEN...ready for this? I FOUND OUT THAT I GOT AN EARLIER SHIFT IN THE SHIFT BID!!!!!!!!!! If you have progressed past a verbal warning, you are not supposed to be eligible to participate in a mini bid. But I was desperate, and with all of the things happening with Tristan, I decided to at least try and let the chips fall where they may. I submitted the form and hoped for the best. Starting June 21, I will be working 11-8 with Fridays and Saturdays off! BOOya!
ALSO. Also also also. TRISTAN HAD A SUPER AWESOME WEEK!!!!!! All. Great. Days. Not ONE even a little bad. So, that's the good. The challenge? Well yes, there are challenges. I know that in the long run, these challenges will contribute to my growth. That doesn't make them FUN, though. CPS showed up at Sarah's house (and apparently to mine, too, but I had already left for work) in response to the police being called on Tristan 2 weeks ago. I'm sure it's standard protocol, police are mandated reporters and I'm sure CPS just wants to check things out. But when the detective had originally talked to Sarah, she had said also that Tristan had pulled his pants down in her daughters' room and exposed himself to them. So now, they feel that they need to get counseling for the girls and possibly for Tristan too.
Now, if CPS is going to be investigating, I'm very glad that I have the earlier shift and my license is not suspended so I have nothing to worry about. Also, I have always thought something happened to Tristan, just based on some of the things he has done. When he was in kindergarten, he hit a point where he started wetting the bed after not having done it, wetting his pants at school, regressive behavior, and acting out sexually when under stress (like exposing himself and touching peoples' butts). He would never talk about it. My brother tried talking to him, I had taken him to the CAC (Child Advocacy Center) for a forensic interview, but he has never shared any information about what did or didn't happen so I have no idea if my suspicions are founded or not.
So regardless, I do feel that this might help him get the counseling he needs. I'm just not very thrilled about CPS being up in my business again. It's not that I have anything to hide, I make a lot of money and I'm not on drugs and I don't even have a live-in boyfriend. But I just never can relax until these things are over. I feel on guard and uneasy. I'm trying to become comfortable with uncertainty and just flow with the process.
I'm trying to just flow with ALL of life right now. Just let go of my ideas about how things should be or what should happen, pay attention to the nudges and signs I get from the universe, and drop resistance. There is so much I can't control. Worrying about those things makes me feel like I'm DOING something about them, but I'm not. If anything, I'm contributing energy to the very things I don't want. Brilliant idea, right?
I don't know what's going to happen with moving. On one hand, the universe is giving me obvious and plentiful signs that there is something magical and special going on between Joth and I. Irrefutable proof that there is something with him that I have never had with anyone else.
But in the meantime, I get an earlier shift, work is going great, and I got a letter of acceptance from the GRDC (Grand Rapids Discovery Center) for Tristan. Oh, this school sounds AWESOME. Then again, if he went there, and I'm working til 8, and his dad lives out here...how would that work? Or, if we go to Battle Creek...well, no job has come up there yet. I'm just trying to sit tight and take things as they come. Nothing will be very clear until after June 11, which is the end of retrograde, and missing information will only be available THEN. So in the meantime, I should not make any important decisions.
But the synchronicity...it just can't be denied! I was watching a documentary called "Inner World Outer World" and as soon as I started it, Joth texted me that he was listening to an audiobook called Interworld. Then a few days later, I was driving home and it was sooooooooo dark. I labeled it in my mind as "oppressive darkness" and laughed at myself because I perceive the world as a writer. Then I decided I should write! Yes, it's not too late to write that book! Just then, a text popped up from Joth. He was telling me that he had just entered to win a write your own book kit. Now, this was out of left field. We had not been discussing it, our previous conversation had been about a song, and it was completely random. HOW???! I seriously almost lost it then.
I mean, it's COOL! SO cool. The kind of magical thing you always wish for, and think you would love to have. And I DO love it! But I can't explain it! It isn't logical! It's mysterious and unknown and a little scary, it shakes my ideas of reality, makes me feel uncertain about everything. It's so cool. But I must admit, it's a little scary. WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN????
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