Truth

Oh, where do I even start?  I haven't been depressed, at least not much.  As soon as I started talking about how awesome my Mercury retrograde was going, things started going downhill.  I can see, though, the gift in every challenge.  The universe isn't some pesky little brother, annoying me just for fun.  Nor have I fallen out of favor of some divine being, or being punished for some past mistakes.  There is nothing out there which vindictively puts difficulty in my life because it enjoys watching me suffer, or because I'm such a horrible being that I deserve to suffer.

I was reading an Elizabeth Peru update (she's a really cool astrologer I follow on Facebook) and she was talking about how we can't just blame things on difficult astrology, especially when we are aware ahead of time that these astrological events are coming.  I compare it to weather.  Mercury retrograde is like a rainstorm, see.  

If I read the weather report...astrology report/horoscope...and I see that a storm is coming/mercury is going retrograde...I can plan accordingly.  If a storm is coming, and I plan a picnic, I am going to rained out.  And sure, I can say, "THIS RAIN IS RUINING MY LIFE!  See what I said about storms?  I TOLD you.  They ruin EVERYTHING.  This is PROOF."  Then your hair gets messed up, and maybe you left your car windows open so your seats are all wet, and you're so exasperated because everything is going wrong and you perceive it to be because of  the rain.  And everyone's on Facebook whining about the rain and how it ruins everything, comparing bad days, collectively blaming the rain for all of their misfortune...satisfied that it is a force entirely beyond their control, and they bear no responsibility for any of the things that happened.  

We can plan for all kinds of weather.  We can respond to all types of storms in a wide variety of ways.  We can choose not to read or believe the weather reports and just take life as it comes.  But how productive is it to ignore the lessons these events could be teaching us blaming the events themselves and absolving ourselves of any responsibility to change?  Would we be happier if we just started keeping an umbrella in our trunk, checking the weather before we plan a picnic, rolling up our windows...or should we just keep crying about how much life hates us every time our plans get rained out?  The choice is ours.

Well I went on a long time about nothing.  What I was trying to get at was that yes, Mercury is retrograde.  And yes, it DOES affect things.  It affects things about as much as the physical weather affects things.  But WE still choose how we respond.  We can be happy in a rained out picnic just as much as we can celebrate life even when Mercury retrograde brings challenging situations our way.  

So here's what's happening.  First, I got the 11-8 shift even though I wasn't technically eligible to participate in the shift bid.  Then, I was offered 8:30 to 5:30 until June 15 because we are short staffed in the morning.  That's the biggest reason I haven't blogged lately.  I'm loving it!  Yes, I do need to go to bed earlier and I don't particularly LOVE waking up early.  But, I do get to spend more time with the kids and that's what it's really all about, you know?  

Speaking of the kids, I'm being investigated by CPS.  I'm not even worried but I WAS kind of pissed.  Sarah called them.  Apparently they don't feel that this is a safe place for my children because Tristan acted out sexually at their house and the first conclusion they jumped to is that something MUST be happening at my house.  There were straight up lies in there, though.  

For example, one of the allegations was that Tristan had seen Joth and I having sex.  WHAAAAAT?  I can almost guarantee that never happened.  I am too afraid of being walked in on, and I know that it's too difficult for me to be quiet so I don't take the risk.  Plus, you know how kids are.  Even if I COULD be quiet, they always seem to be able to sense when you're getting busy and choose that exact moment to interrupt you.  We did do it once, but the kids were outside playing and I have blinds on my bedroom window so I don't know how that could have happened.  I really don't think it did.  Why wouldn't Tristan have said something to me?  He's not shy or anything.

Anyway, I have him this week for the entire week and he was telling me about how Sarah had grabbed him by the neck and thrown him across the bedroom, and he hit his head on a plastic dresser.  I don't know what to do.  Also, she told Tristan that if his counselor talks about Cory (his friend who died) one more time, he's not coming over there anymore.  And she said Tristan is 8 years old and that's too old to cry about his friend being dead, and he shouldn't be sad and he needs to just forget about him.  WHAT?  OUCH.  And, I'm sorry, but where do YOU...with an 8th grade education...get off telling a trained, licensed counselor with a motherfucking DEGREE how a child should handle grief, and what he should and shouldn't discuss in his sessions?  I'm just so appalled right now.  

But if I said anything to anyone, it would just look like retribution.  Like I'm pissed that they called CPS and I'm trying to get back at them by saying things about them.  Not only that, but I don't WANT to involve CPS.  We made an agreement that we would work TOGETHER, co-parent as a TEAM, communicate and keep Tristan's best interest as our common goal.  I meant that.  I believed that.  So it was a giant slap in the face when CPS showed up at my door with these allegations.  I felt so betrayed.  

I really started getting so much anxiety after he left, though.  I was fighting a panic attack and crazily texting Joth rapid fire disjointed anxious thoughts and he suggested I take a risperdal, which I did.  It helped a lot.  I have arrived at a point in my life where I've accepted  that I may need to get back on bipolar medication.  In a way, I feel like a failure, that if I were strong enough, I wouldn't NEED medication.  And while it's true that with a lot of work and some radical change, and unwavering commitment, I have managed to reduce the length, intensity, and frequency of my episodes.  They do still happen, though.  Each time, I feel like they make another small dent in my relationships with my children and with Joth.  

While they are all more than forgiving, do they deserve it?  While they accept my apologies, do they erase the incident?  I have said horrible things that I can never take back.  Why change only if I think I would lose them if I didn't?  Why not change because I love them and don't want to hurt them anymore?  I have to be real with myself and recognize that I can't do it on my own, as much as I want to.  So that's one phone call I'm making tomorrow.  

The other is to my doctor, to get an IUD put in.  I looked it up on my insurance website and found out that they are covered at 90%, which is awesome.  They don't cover the ring, which you only have to think about once a month.  They do cover the shot, but...no.  I will get fat.  I just tried the pill thing, and totally forgot to bring them to Joth's, and FORGOT that I forgot.  I wouldn't be ovulating already, so it's not really a big deal.  But it's not an exact science.  Well, it COULD be, if I followed ALL of the rules like with temperature and position of your cervix and all that.  Basically I just count two weeks from my period and that's fertility.  So I don't take risks around that time.  But, natural family planning can easily fail.  If I have another baby, I want everything else in life to be better.  I don't want to say "I want to be ready", because let's be honest, do you ever feel ready?  I just want to be in a better place in life.  

This past weekend was DIVINE.  Oh my god, I just felt so loved.  And I was really dreading it because, well.  You know.  Mercury.  The astrology report had said that the truth would come out, things would come to light.  So automatically I assumed that something hidden would come out, like something terrible that would destroy our relationship.  Some betrayal, some lie.  I braced myself for it.  Worse, I EXPECTED it.  I was completely blinded to the healing potential of things coming out.  

We did a lot of talking.  We put a lot of things together.  And yes, things DID come out...on both sides, from both of us.  We opened up to each other and bared our souls.  He helped me figure out some profound things about the roots of some of my present issues...and they run deep.  He honestly amazes me, so much.  I can't even count the number of therapists/counselors/psychiatrists I have seen.  It isn't their fault, because it takes a really long time for me to open up to someone.  And how could they have made an accurate diagnosis, or come to any type of understanding about me, when they didn't know me at all?  But, they never knew me at all.  Not one of them.  Sure, they knew enough about what I was saying and my description of the things I had done to figure out that I was bipolar.  Good job.  But where did this behavior come from, where did that fear originate?  It's like Joth can look right into my soul, and look at the problem, and trace the tangled strings back throughout my history, weaving through emotions and thoughts and back through events colored with perceptions and just READ all of it...following it...back to exactly where it came from.  He figured out things about me that I have lived my whole life without realizing.  

I tried to explain to him how touched I was by his talent, how amazed I was by the chilling accuracy of his assessment.  Truly, it was like he could see EVERYTHING.  It's like I have these raging infections spreading all throughout my body, and he opened me up, finding each buried piece of shrapnel and gently pulling it out.  Now I feel like I can heal.  Now I feel like I can let go of so much of this pain, now that I understand it.  All I've ever done is treat the symptoms, but they won't actually go away if you don't discover the root cause.  I feel like a completely different person right now.  I don't think he realizes just how much he's done for me.  I can honestly say right now that he quite possibly saved my life.  

I mean, even if I never decided again to throw it away or end it, what kind of life is it to live as a prisoner of your pain, tortured by fear?  I thought I was broken.  If Joth were anyone else, I'd have destroyed this relationship long ago just because of a fear of what could happen.  I didn't want to.  I didn't want to keep repeating  the same cycles.  I wanted to be happy, but I didn't know how to stop or why I was even doing any of it to begin with.  I'm so grateful and I have tears just streaming down my face right now.  I honestly love him so much.  And we had an amazing weekend!  "The truth will come out" doesn't always have to be a foreboding statement.  In this case, it was a cause to rejoice.  I feel so much freer now.  For the first time, I have this glimmer of hope that maybe I will NOT destroy every relationship I touch.  Maybe it isn't too late for me.

He gave me a tarot reading -- another thing he's amazingly talented at -- and his friend was sitting a few feet away from us, painting.  We had these awesome, intelligent conversations.  This is all so amazing.  He's an awesome person, his friends are awesome people, and I don't feel like I have to pretend to be something I'm not when I'm there.  

Although I still DO do the thing where I'm mentally kicking myself the next day as I remember how many times I interrupted or maybe talked too much, wondering if I talked about myself too much, or if in an attempt to relate if I appeared to be trying to take over the conversation.  My conversational skills suck and I think a lot of people must think I'm rude.  I just get so excited!  But then I get so ashamed, and I avoid talking to people as much as possible.  I can't control it and it makes me feel really bad about myself.

I know this is a super long entry, but I probably won't blog again for a while so it's okay.  I went on this giant cleaning binge today, listening to Bob Marley and being happy.  It's sunny and everything feels like it's going to be okay.  I feel so wonderful and amazing and I just love everyone.  I know I had more to talk about, but I'm hanging out with Tristan so I'm going to stop for now.