Happy new moon, loves! What seeds of intention should I plant THIS month? Well, dear Mercury retrogrades tomorrow. So maybe I should focus on intentions of clear communication. Honesty and kindness.
Honesty isn't usually an issue for me, except in the cases of perhaps too much. I read this Gemini sun/Sagittarius moon synopsis the other day which pretty much hit the nail right on the head. It said that we feel to not speak the truth would be inauthentic, but we need to learn that not EVERY truth needs to be spoken. I really struggle with that. And on the flip side, would I want to hear every true thought that popped up in the minds of others? Heavens, no!
If I ASK you a question, and you answer with a lie, well honestly you are a liar and I will never trust you and I have just lost all respect for you and we can forget about ever establishing any emotional bonds of intimacy because you are simply too risky for me to ever allow that. But if I didn't even ask, and you just volunteer unsolicited truths...like about how fat I look in this outfit, or how stupid that comment sounded, or how you think my sister is prettier than me...well, what's the purpose? I wouldn't find you any more honorable. So why do I think there's honor in it when I do it? Not that I'm that cruel, because I don't want to hurt anyone. But maybe not every single detail is relevant, and maybe sharing it all is unnecessary.
Okay so I'm totally sidetracked right now. God(dess) help me. I think Joth wants to break up with me but he's trying to push me to be the one to do it. I won't do it! But EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS YELLING RUN. Oooooh, I am so HURT and UPSET and ANGRY. I feel insignificant and rejected. He couldn't even apologize. He totally talked down to me, I could feel his energy, this cold condescension, and I didn't even know WHY. It HURT. I told him how I felt, trying to be open and genuine with him and open up a dialogue. Not only did he refuse to apologize, now he won't even talk to me. And for WHAT? So he hurt MY feelings and he's going to punish ME???? Where the FUCK is the sanity in that?
I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this. But I PROMISED. What good is there though to hold on to something that only I want? If he wants to go, maybe I should just let him go. There was the stupid argument yesterday, out of nowhere. I mean, I was so HAPPY. I was telling him how much I love him and how grateful I am for him. Then BAM, out of nowhere he blindsides me with this wet blanket reminding me of how much I hurt him. And yeah, I get it, but do we ever get to move on from this? Are we going to keep going back here, to this hurt place, to this bad place? Here I am, working on making things BETTER, moving ON, but you insist on dragging me back down to where they were bad. What do you hope to accomplish? How is this going to help us grow?
*WHOOOOO* Okay that was a few hours ago. That argument is over. It was INTENSE. It was exactly what I needed, though...exactly what I had asked for just MOMENTS before. At the beginning of my entry, I set the intention to communicate more clearly and kindly. Instantly, my intentions were challenged. How did I do? Well, not as well as I would have liked. I still have much room for growth.
But as far as a test of my commitment? I did NOT let go. I had all the same impulses, all the same fears, this desperation to run from the person I was arguing with as if he were the root of the conflict and to restore peace would be as simple as removing him. When we all know that the argument was not him. It was a gift, really. A gateway. A teaching moment, an opportunity to learn the traits I so desire to have. Clear, kind communication.
How do I cultivate these things if I don't know where I am failing in those areas? This fight brought that to light. Joth was candid with me in sharing feedback about some of the things I said. It was eye-opening to hear the way he had interpreted things, and heart-wrenching to know that their meaning had become so skewed that he would believe I was intentionally hurting him. To him, that was reality. And he also pointed out that he really has no way to know, because at times I have BEEN that spiteful vindictive person.
I blogged about that before. You know, when the "seether" takes over. Sometimes my intention IS to hurt -- WAS -- because I am hurting. But I have reflected on what good that was(n't) doing for our relationship and have worked exceptionally hard to maintain control. She still comes up. That hot rage, rising into my chest. That indignant ego, that scorned wrathful woman. The snarling lioness. And sure, maybe for a second I stumble, and I lose my footing. I'm still pretty sloppy and some things happen that shouldn't happen while I'm grappling to regain control.
But then I do. I remember that I'm in control. I'm writing this story, and I make these choices. And that if I don't want conflict, well damn it, it starts with ME. Here. NOW. I have had ENOUGH with fighting. Right now, I feel like subconsciously either the universe, or Joth, or my higher self is testing my resolve. And I'm not mad, because I totally deserve it. But I WILL NOT QUIT. I won't. I refuse.
So, strangely enough, I returned to my book and continued with the Skeleton Woman chapter. It's really eerie how much this aligns with my current situation. It talks about how love is staying, even when every cell in your body is screaming RUN. And I had typed almost that EXACT THING earlier up on this page before even reading that. I mean, yes, I read it last year but the wording was so close, it had to mean something. I am on the right track. I have found my "Bible". LOL
But anyway, love isn't just the tingles and butterflies. The walking hand in hand in a spring meadow while butterflies fly by and birds chirp merrily. Love is confronting what happens AFTER that. Love is taking it all, the good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly. Showing up for the snuggles AND the arguments, the kissing and the pouting. I have never done that before because I have always become afraid of Skeleton Woman and run in terror every time I dragged her up from the murky depths. And I can't say it's that I'm more evolved now, or that I'm so wise and that's why I'm staying.
It's because for the first time, the pain of leaving would far surpass any pain that could be endured by staying. Sure, sometimes love is suffering. But this love is absolutely worth suffering for. And in the end, it helps also that the suffering doesn't come from Joth or even the relationship itself, but the things within myself that the relationship brings up. In that way, the conflict is a gift because it brings my attention to those parts of me that need to be healed, and Joth provides a safe, judgment free place where I can do that.
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