I think it's probably smarter that I don't title things or choose pictures until I finish, because I never write about what I think I'm going to write about. Sooooooo I'm not sure where I left off. I went out to Joth's Monday night after work so I could stop to Spherion the next day. We had a lot of fun! We drank tequila in honor of Cinco de Mayo, sang some songs on Rock Band, talked a lot, and went to sleep at probably like 5 in the morning.
The next day I was a total weirdo though. It was rainy, which didn't help matters. I am so sensitive to the weather. Also, it was the day after heavy drinking (heavy for ME, which was probably like 6 shots IF that...but I rarely drink so I was smashed). I tend to be emotional and irrational the day after I drink, if not WHILE I am drinking. I had this whole time table planned in my head because I had to be to work at 10 and Spherion closes at 5. I had to adjust the agenda because I had not filled Tristan's prescriptions the day before, so I had to be to the pharmacy before it closed at 7. I was trying to keep all of these thoughts organized and it was like juggling eggs. I'm not very good at juggling anyway.
I started to become obsessed about how I didn't have time to do what I needed to do, so then I just froze up and didn't do anything. Joth was trying to help me. He pointed out kindly that all the time I had wasted complaining about how I didn't have enough time could have been used doing the things I didn't have time for, or something like that. Anyway it made sense but I couldn't see a way to move forward without everything being planned out to the minute. And then the bathtub filled up before I could wash my hair and I literally cried about it because I haaaaaaaaaaaaaate washing my hair in bath water. Hate hate hate HATE. Bath water feels dirty to me, just as lake water and pond water and ocean water do. When I take a bath at home, I take a shower AFTER the bath to get clean. This probably sounds weird coming from the girl who only washes her hair every 3 days. I can't explain my quirks. I never said they even made sense to ME.
Anyway, so I filled out the forms and we had lunch, then I dropped Joth back off and headed to the pharmacy. I was 4 minutes late so Tristan couldn't take his pill that night. The next day, his social worker called me because he had been choking himself and drawing pictures about his friend who had died. He had gone mute, like he does when he's stressed, and refused to talk. He was just drawing these pictures which seemed to indicate that he thought some evil creatures were at the trailer that had been burned down. Anyway, she said he had gotten himself together and seemed okay. I went to work.
On my first break, I saw a text from Andrew which made my heart sink. Something about the cops being called and Tristan probably being in handcuffs. WHAT. So I called Andrew and he told me that he had had to leave work to pick up Tristan from school because he had been restrained by a teacher, whom he then kicked and broke her fingers. The police had come and it was a huge giant mess. At that point, no one knew if she was going to press charges or what was going to happen. I don't know what to do from here.
I have, up to this point, had a backup plan for every backup plan. There's special ed, there's counseling, there's medication, there's changing his schedule so he doesn't have to wake up in the middle of the night. But now, I am in the land of no more plans. I am all out of solutions. Tristan never seemed this bad to me before. What the hell? To add insult to injury, Sarah acts all judgmental toward me about my parenting and has this laughable air of superiority, as if SHE has it all figured out. News flash, she DOESN'T! Her kids are HORRIBLE! I was there yesterday, and Bailey was hitting Payton, and she SLAPPED Bailey as she said, "Don't hit!" UmWHAT. Tell me how much fucking sense THAT makes!
I'm not saying I should be soft on Tristan or that he shouldn't have consequences for his behavior. But we as parents should be modeling the behavior we want our children to adopt. If we show them that we solve our problems with violence -- oh hey, guess how they are going to solve THEIR problems? HELLO. A lot of parents confuse fear with respect. We are trying to teach our children right from wrong in such a way that if no one is looking, they will do the right thing. And not out of fear of getting hurt if someone finds out. Sure, it may seem effective to parent with the threat of pain if a child messes up. But someday, they are going to grow up. What will happen when the threat is removed? When they no longer fear you? What incentive do they have NOW to make the right choices?
Fear is a shitty motivator, we see this in the Christian religion. Let's scare our sheeple into being good because if they don't, they'll burn for eternity in this imaginary fire. Does that create actual good people with caring hearts? I think we all know the answer.
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