Reflection

I'm always blogging in my head, thinking of the things I need to talk about, planning what I'm going to write.  Why is it, then, that as soon as I sit down at my computer I have nothing to say?  When I DO have something to say, it's never what I planned -- rendering this continuous internal narrative utterly useless.  It persists anyway.

I don't know why this year feels different than last year.  I could attribute the difference to any number of factors -- last year, I was eating so much better.  I was doing yoga 6 days a week.  I was watching dharma talks every week and reading spiritual books on a constant basis.  Okay.  But my son wasn't here, and it was a constant source of inconsolable agony.  Also, I was lonely.  Although I was lonely, I had finally reached a point where I knew that simply rushing into a relationship at the first opportunity was bound to bring more heartache than loneliness ever could.  So I held out for when it would be right, for something that would be worth it.  But I was still lonely.

So, was I really BETTER?  I'm so much happier now, but so much less stable (emotionally).  I'm a little frustrated.  Was all of this still stirring beneath the surface?  Did I only SEEM to be emotionally stable because I never interacted with anyone but my kids?  Has this always been in there, but it was dormant due to lack of intimate human interaction?  Can I have both?  Can I be in love, and still be disciplined?  Can I be dedicated to my practice and committed to my relationship?  All this pointless wondering.  

Over the past few months, since I've entered manic season, it's been a brutal roller coaster.  I know that the symptoms all manifest in regard to my relationship, but that's only reflecting the conflict inside of ME.  So for that, I am thankful.  It feels bigger than me, though.  Beyond my scope of control.  Is this something I can ever conquer?  Am I fated for either solitude and lonely peace, or dizzying highs and crushing lows rapidly alternating, picking me up and dropping me multiple times in the span of even one day, at the mercy of the whim of a sudden blink...sigh...instant elation or defeat.

This keeps happening and I'm so tired of it!  I feel so powerless and it's HEART WRENCHING.  I feel so connected, so in tune, so perfectly whole and in love and overjoyed with my abundance of good fortune and amazing romance.  Then I will see something...think something...imagine something...remember something...the feeling right in my chest.  Like I've been punched.  The sick sense of unease.  The dawning awareness that an illusion is shattering.  The familiar despair of a beautiful dream coming to an end while the  truth of a horrible reality washes over me.  Pulsing in my chest and radiating out.  There is no actual evidence or logical reason for me to think that the feeling of betrayal is justified.  And nothing actually happened.  But it feels so real.

And I'm not dumb.  I know what paranoia is.  And maybe this is that.  I am so trapped!  This is SO hell.  There isn't even any permanent release, and what would I sacrifice for a temporary reprieve?  My soul?  My heart?  My mind?  How can you numb one sensation without dulling them all?  

Well shit that's not what I intended to write about at all.  Suck it up, buttercup.  I'm sick of coming here to whine and cry.  Seriously!  It's summer!  (Kind of.  Doesn't feel like it though)  It's GEMINI TIME -- I have ONE WEEK left of being 32.  Do I want to start another year with this mindset?  This outlook?  This negativity?  FUCK THAT.  Seriously I feel like optimistic me just swooped in and kicked negative me right in the ass.  

I'm just so sick of this shit.  If you want to be happy, why the hell would you dwell on vapors of shadows of vague hypotheticals?  Why would you expand on fear of events which would likely never occur?  Why would you be paranoid about things which are probably NOT happening...and let's be honest, even if they ARE, does your worrying change that?  No.  In fact, to be BRUTALLY honest, if those things ARE happening, your only chance of affecting those circumstances in a positive way is by being absolutely wondrously fabulous.  If you lead in with fear and worry, you've pretty much just put the nail in the coffin yourself.

Okay so what did I really want to talk about, now that I've wasted all this time arguing with myself.  One week left of retrograde, thank goodness for that!  A lot of truth DID come out, though.  Truth about Andrew and Sarah (mostly Sarah) betraying me and starting the whole thing with CPS.  I'm thankful for that, though, because now it's going to be out of the way and I have absolutely nothing to hide so it only benefits me as an opportunity to show everyone that I really AM a good mother.  Let's just nip those doubts and suspicions right in the bud.  Then there was the truth about the root of some of my issues that lead to my destruction of relationships, or entering into toxic relationships to begin with.  That was valuable, and that was healing.  I'm thankful for that.  

Finally, there was the truth about who's been talking shit about me.  I suspected that Bruce had been the one to text Joth, but I'm pretty sure I was wrong.  One of my Facebook friends told me that some girl messaged him talking crap about me, saying I was a prostitute and whatever else.  Well he totally had my back.  I'm not even going to say anything hateful about her, either.  I harbor no ill will  toward her, or anyone.  Even though she's trying to destroy my life.  Because why would she?  Isn't it sad that after 5 years, my former best friend would still expend the time and energy worrying about ME, putting all this effort in trying to mess up MY life?  And why?  How is my success hurting her?  Why can she just not stand to see me doing good things with my life?  It's not like I ever did anything to her.  I just didn't want to be friends with her anymore because it was apparent that she has serious mental issues -- which she has just confirmed.  So I feel sorry for her, and I release her from my life with nothing but love.  

If she wants to bring it all out, go ahead.  I'm not ashamed of who I was, I don't care who knows where I've been, because none of that has anything to do with who I am now.  So let it out.  Tell my mom, tell my grandma.  Tell my neighbor and my former bus driver.  Plaster posters around downtown, do a shoutout on the radio.  There is no shame in my game.  The way I see it, anyone who judges me based on the life I lived 5 years ago isn't anyone that I would want in my life anyway.  So really, she's doing me a favor.  This will separate the wheat from the chaff.  

I am forever grateful for the beautiful shining souls who stand by my side and love me through it all, no matter what, unflinching in the face of the mud slung from the backyard of my past.  These people are my heroes.  I count Joth as my biggest hero among them all, because he continues to believe in me, he never though less of me, he doesn't give up on me, and he sees only the best in me.  And for the first time, maybe because someone else does, I'm starting to believe maybe I could BE this awesome person he sees in me.  

This was a very long entry and I didn't even do like an update with what's happening with CPS or work or what I did this weekend or the exciting things the future is bringing, or even the yoga I'm doing tonight or Paradigm Shift chat.  I guess what needed to be said was said.