Shit. Well I already blogged today...okay, technically YESTERDAY but it's only 1:30 in the morning. I have a long road ahead of me before I can sleep but nothing is interesting to me. I'm not depressed! Obviously. If I had that issue, I wouldn't be able to get OUT of bed. Now I just can't get IN it. And whatever I do, as soon as I start, I want to do something else. There's nothing to do. The kids are both sleeping. I'd totally do some yoga right now if that weren't the case.
The thing is, if I don't go to sleep NOW, I'm not going to be able to wake up with them in the morning. Or if I do, I'll be grouchy. Or if I don't, I'll miss out on a bunch of time with them. If I start a movie, I decide I want to watch a different one. I can't focus on reading. All I do while I'm trying to sleep is think. Joth isn't answering. GAHHHHHHHHHHH maybe I should take some Risperdal.
It's been a long time since I felt this way. Oh, you know. About a YEAR. This entry isn't even going to make any sense. Why am I writing it? Oh, for something to do, I guess.
Oh, so the title. Well, I did the day 2 video of the Ashtanga series and it's jump throughs. I figured, well, I've been doing the half primary for over a year now. I should be advanced enough to try jump throughs now. After all, I can do a BUNCH of things now that I couldn't do a year ago. BUT, alas, no, I could not even BEGIN. It was very, ah, humbling. It reminded me that no matter how far I've come, I still have a far way to go. But that's okay. Every time we were setting up to try to do it, Kino would remind us to...release all attachment to completion of the pose, or something. Hang on. Ah, that was it. Release attachment to the results of your effort. Which made it totally less disheartening.
It wasn't about completing it, or succeeding at it, or accomplishing anything. It was about doing what you can from where you are. I did that. I did not fail. Had I "successfully" "completed" it, that doesn't necessarily mean I would have SUCCEEDED, either. What is success? Especially when it comes to yoga. Is success perfect execution of a posture? I would argue NO. It's the process. It's the things that come up DURING the process. It's what the process brings up in you, the things it helps you work through. The car is not the destination. Okay that makes sense to me but maybe not to you.
I'm just inserting paragraph breaks in random places. I don't really have any sense for where they actually belong, if anywhere. This whole thing is pretty much one nonsensical rambling sentence. So anyway, last year I couldn't even DREAM of getting into full lotus, and now I can. So, jump throughs are my focus for this year.
Oh, what else was I going to say. Oh, I went back and started re-reading old paragraphs in Women who Run With the Wolves. I have said before that that book is medicine, and it comes into your life when you need it most. Or you return to it when its wisdom would benefit you, and that time definitely happens to be now. The chapter about finding a mate, a wild man mate, and the next one about braving through the ugly parts of love are completely perfect right now. It resonates with me so much more deeply now that I'm in a relationship that I can see lasting a lifetime. Multiple lifetimes.
And I have to stop running. I have to stop looking for excuses to give up. I have to stop looking for loopholes or being ready with an escape plan. I know I said that before, but this is forever. Not just until it gets hard. I know it's scary, but it's worth the work, and it's worth the fear, and it's worth the uncertainty and tears and if it was a mountain it would be worth the climb. There comes a point in life where you have to just give it a real try. Be ALL in. See something through. And I'm not suggesting that I should have done that in past relationships, or that letting go isn't sometimes appropriate. But there's a difference in leaving because you know in your heart it isn't right, and leaving because you're afraid of being hurt or made a fool or played or lied to or rejected. If fear is driving the bus...well, let your heart grab that motherfucking wheel.
I saw things in a new perspective earlier, too. I promised myself that I wouldn't make any big decisions during Mercury retrograde. We had an argument earlier and because breaking up wasn't even on the table right now, I took a whole different approach to things and tried to come from a place of love. I think he could sense that I wasn't waiting for the first opportunity to cut and run, like usual. I mean, at first he assumed I was doing that, because that's what I always do. But I told him I'm not throwing anybody or anything away, we're just going to work through this. If I can do that now, because it's Mercury retrograde and I don't want to make any rash decisions, why can't I do that ALWAYS?
I solved a mystery of me earlier. I have always wondered why it was always right after a euphoric "love bubble" that things seem to suck so bad. It isn't because a love bubble is a harbinger of doom, or that "the higher they go the harder they fall" or that the universe is somehow punishing me for being happy, or anything sinister like that. I had an "A-ha!" moment when I was blogging earlier. It's because it's when I'm manic, and I'm so sensitive. It is that very sensitivity that breeds the "love bubble" to begin with. Some romantic thought takes off and inflates and grows to monster proportion because I'm sensitive and what was a little happy now becomes intensely elated. But, due to that same sensitivity, later on a tiny little insignificant thing that I may not normally even NOTICE will set me off. And things are not bad but they are TERRIBLE. Awful and horrible and then I become angry because I was SO HAPPY earlier and I am SO MISERABLE now and WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN. Well, now I know. Maybe this new understanding will help me be a better person.
Man, I just love my kids. They both fell asleep reading books earlier. Before bed, Tristan was reading me Shel Silverstein poems and it was an eerie feeling of coming full circle in a way. I thought back to when I was six years old, hearing my teacher read them to me. Now my own child is older than I was at that time, reading them to me. Shit, it's so fucking sweet. Juju fell asleep reading some science book. She's my little scientist :) I just adore those kids so much. I made sure to take a moment to be IN the moment and just stop and appreciate how happy I am, right now. How good life is, at this moment. This is something to hold on to during harder times.
Well, if I don't stop now, I'm never going to. It's 2 and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Oh yea! Risperdal! Let's give that a go. :)
Oh yeah oh yeah oh YEAH WAIT! One more thing. I saw these RINGS today, OMG THEY ARE SO COOL. I have been IN. LOVE. with charoite since I saw it over a year ago. I keep seeing it, and wanting to buy some, and meaning to get it ASAP. AND, purple and green are my favorite colors. AND, Joth and I are both silver people, not gold people. AND, we are totally yin and yang. Like for real. So CHECK THESE OUT. Well actually check them out at the top of the post. I'm going to use them as my picture. They are charoite and jade in titanium. Woooooooooo.
Okay NOW good night. GOOD NIGHT!
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