5/10/15
Tracy Bonham, y'all. In case you WEREN'T one of the angsty teens locked up in her bedroom writing poetry and listening to Poe, Alanis, Sarah McLachlan, Paula Cole, Tori Amos, Natalie Merchant, Shawn Colvin, and assorted others. Anyway, I was. And in honor of Mother's Day, I am quoting an old favorite -- Mother, Mother. If you haven't heard it, I recommend giving it a listen!
Mood tracking. Welllllllllll I am DEPRESSED. I think I have been heading there for a while. As I survey my surroundings and notice that I haven't bothered to clean or do laundry for a while, I have to admit it. I had like this mixed state for a couple of days before the weekend where I didn't have the energy to do anything, but I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to get out of bed and was not motivated to accomplish a thing, but I kept trying to fall back asleep and was simply unable to. That's the WORST. What's the point in being awake if I don't feel like moving? Why can't I at least SLEEP, then???
I had a pretty nice weekend. Juju was here for a bit on Saturday, then Tristan and I headed down to Battle Creek. As of yesterday, I wasn't like LOW low. I just noticed that the meaning had left everything. Nothing really seemed to matter. I was looking around at the trees, and the lake, and the grass, and I thought...what's the point of any of it? I thought to myself, I could have a drink, I could smoke a cigarette, I could sing, I could talk, I could go somewhere...but what would any of it matter? Activities and things all just seemed one-dimensional and irrelevant. WHY. Normally, hearing a song or eating something that taste....
5/12/15
...RIIIIIIIIIIIIIP. Fast forward. I couldn't even finish that entry, I started it on the 10th, today is the 12th, and I am NOT depressed. At least I TRIED to blog during a low. That's further than I usually get. Anyway, I did think of this analogy though that I wanted to tack on to the previous post. I struggle to explain things clearly when I'm low. It's like my head is stuffed with cotton. So even though I WANT to describe how I feel, it's hard. I don't have the energy to look up words in my brain.
BUT, I was trying to say that everything in life that usually brings such joy felt all flat. Like all the same pointless thing. For example, if laid before you was a sumptuous buffet...turkey, cakes, pies, stuffing, mashed potatoes, fruit...normally you'd look at that buffet and your taste buds would be excited. You'd anticipate the pleasure that each flavor would bring to your mouth. What if, though, you knew that everything laid before you on the table was made out of styrofoam? What would it matter whether you had a piece of pineapple upside down cake, some jello, or a chicken leg? It would all taste the same. It would all lack flavor, it would all be the same dry boring texture. So you'd look at the spread and think...why would I even bother? It's all styrofoam. THAT'S what it feels like to be depressed. Do you want to know a secret? I don't necessarily think it's a mental illness. I think it's seeing beyond the illusion. It's the realization that none of these material things mean anything or have any substance. It's all just stuff.
THIS morning, though, I woke up at 8. Horny. (Sorry, TMI) I, um, took care of that...it took 10 seconds. I'm NOT exaggerating. TEN. SECONDS. Yup, I'm manic. I should have known yesterday that this was coming. Usually the paranoia/irritability comes at the END of a manic episode. Yesterday, I woke up from a coma-like nap with paranoid thoughts running through my brain. My subconscious trying to analyze every word anyone had ever spoken to me, examining statements for holes and contradictions, hunting for evidence of lies. This is so tiring for me. I notice that everywhere in life, as soon as I get happy or reach a goal, some part of me tries to drag me back down.
When I start to get really good at yoga, mysteriously I lose my motivation for like a month. Just long enough to have to start all over and go through the mediocre part again. Then, when I start to get good, I fall off again. In my relationship, it's always when things are really really REALLY good that my brain starts saying HEY! We need FEAR! You are not SUSPICIOUS enough! How DARE you be so happy???!! We need to fix this, asap. Cue....DRAMA! I'll admit it. I. create. drama. I hate it, but I can't deny that I DO create it. Well, it isn't ME, per se.
Honestly I DO feel like two distinct and completely DIFFERENT individuals in one body. So much so that one "me" will get so bent out of shape and ANGRY over something, but when "she" leaves and someone does that thing that pissed "her" off...then flinch, and profusely apologize, frantically trying to avoid the blowout...I think, come on, don't be silly! Why would I be mad about THAT? I'm not unreasonable! What are you so scared for? What kind of person do you think I am? I'm not like that at all! Being two people is for the birds. At least it keeps things interesting.
Right now, I am doing laundry and baking a chicken pot pie. I'm coming out to see Joth tonight just because. Well, also because I love him to death and I am so grateful for him and I owe him my LIFE. That man has the patience of a saint. I truly do admire him so much, I only wish there was some way I could be the kind of girl who deserves a guy like him.
OOOOOH I signed up for Gaiam TV and it's only like ten bucks a month and it is like DOCUMENTARY HEAVENNNNNNNN! I mean, EVERYTHING. Natural healing, wellness, nutrition, metaphysics, government coverups, ancient wisdom, meditation, spirituality, philosophy, AND YOGA CLASSES. OMG OMG OMG. THAT makes me SO HAPPY. So anyway, Kino Macgregor has an Ashtanga series on there and I started it yesterday. I think part of why I kept falling off the yoga wagon is that I was getting into a rut. Plus, we get lazy and adopt bad habits, so getting back to the foundation of Ashtanga and reinforcing proper alignment and drishti and transitions and all that will be good for me. And, I love Kino SO MUCH. She's so cheerful and bright and happy and bubbly, and such an inspiration. So I'm super excited to be recommitted to yoga. Again. Speaking of, it will be time to get on the mat in 10 minutes. Ciao, y'all!
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