Booooo. Ughhhhh Mercury is about to go retrograde. As a Gemini, with Mercury being my ruling planet, I always feel the need to brace myself for this. It's not going to suck, though. I mean, how can anything suck right now? Life...it's like a dream. It's freaking AWESOME.
So, you know I totally tried to stop writing in this blog, because I felt it was a pretty egocentric self-serving exercise in mental masturbation. The thing is, though, the words have to come out. I don't care if no one's listening. In fact, I have always journaled, and I have diaries upon diaries that no one has read. It's just that I type faster than I write, and I like to have it all in one place so I can scan back through the months and years to see how far I have come.
When I started it, I made it public because I already had this sense that I was setting out on an epic adventure. I didn't even know at the time that I would be leaving Noe, or that Sienna would be placed for adoption. I just knew that I needed to document what was happening starting before it even happened. otherwise I might convince myself later that I had imagined it all. I wanted to document the abuse, my reactions, my emotional state of mind. I made it public because I felt that if there was someone having a similar struggle, maybe by divine intervention they would find this blog, and take comfort in the knowledge that they were not alone. That they were not crazy. They were not broken.
The struggle is never portrayed realistically. When you end up going through a domestic situation, you are not prepared for the complexity of the emotions that complicate things. You do not expect to still love the person that hurt you. You never planned to suffer in their place. You never imagined that you would still have more regard for their well-being than your own. So when it happens, you feel like a failure. You feel ashamed. You feel inadequate -- just like he makes you feel. Your failure at even leaving a bad situation makes you wonder if he's right about you. You think that you don't have what it takes to leave, so you stay. You think you're not strong enough, because you feel like it would be easy if you were.
I wrote it so maybe someone in the same situation could know, even when it's the right thing to do, even though you ARE strong enough to do it, it hurts like hell and it's hard as fuck and THAT IS NORMAL. I think so far, the greatest realization I have ever come to is that I am not alone. No matter WHAT shameful thing I think, or feel, or do -- someone out there can relate. That has been immensely comforting. You can never image the things you've done that someone else understands, and no matter WHAT it is, you are NOT alone.
Okay well I got off topic (surprise). I was going to talk about life, and how amazing it is! Also my green smoothie but I don't remember what I was going to say about that. I made a peach-banana-kale-blueberry-hempseed oil-almond/coconut milk-turmeric-cinnamon-spirulina-ashwagandha-maca-chia seed smoothie. Hahaha. Too much stuff? Maybe. I get like that sometimes! Everything I have is so good for you, how can you leave any of it out? How can you decide which spice/supplement/fruit/oil is superior? How do you determine who makes the cut? I can't reject any of my glorious ingredients! So, into the blender they all go. :)
At 8, it's yoga time. Why haven't I come here and gushed like a schoolgirl about this guy??? I'm more excited about this than I have been about ANYONE in a very long time. Being that I can always appreciate whatever awesomeness anyone has, I usually do get pretty excited about whatever connection there may be. And there have been some good ones, no doubt. Also some bad ones, but you know...Anyway, this is different though. First, you have to decide what you want in life, and that's an important step. But next, you have to believe you actually deserve it. That is the hurdle that has always stumped me until now.
Ever since about age 14, I have been repeatedly finding myself in the same situation. I will have a choice between two partners -- one who is nice, and smart, who has his head on straight. Another who is not living his full potential -- possibly unemployed, on parole, on drugs, and who doesn't have the capacity to truly love me. Each time I have faced this situation, I chose the "bad boy". Now, I have a lot of theories as to why that is. One of them is that, because my dad is emotionally unavailable, that I choose similar men to try to replay the same situation with a different outcome. Trauma repetition, they call it. I know it's not like my dad abused me. And I know he's always done the best he can, and that he does love me. But I also know that I have a giant hole where our relationship should be. And shit, I'm crying, this was supposed to be a HAPPY entry.
Reset. Okay so anyway the bottom line is that it came down to me not feeling like I deserved a good guy. Me feeling like I wasn't good enough for someone good. Maybe not necessarily fear of rejection, although that's part of it. Why would someone with other options choose me? When you don't see your own value, you can't imagine that anyone else could either. The biggest key to this whole transformation was for me to realize that it was not only okay but IMPERATIVE to love myself. Then, everything began changing. And yes, "fake it til you make it" did seem inauthentic to me. It felt wrong to portray myself as someone I was not -- but you have to start somewhere, and you have to say "I love you" to the person in the mirror a few times before you actually believe it yourself. But eventually, you do.
So I put it out there, what I wanted. Then I found it and I almost took a step back, wait a second, I don't deserve this. Then I said to myself, yes I DO, and that's where I am now. Sooooooo super happy that I can't believe this is even real life. I had so much more to say about it but I went off on tangents. Next time, perhaps :)
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