I had to leave work early to pick Tristan up from school just over a week ago because he was burning with fever. Silly me, thinking my herbs and smoothies and yoga and magic have me all INVINCIBLE and shit, I let the kid kiss me and snuggled with him all the next day pretty much. Then yesterday, somewhat suddenly, the sickness descended on me with all its furious misery.
Yeah, that's what I said. Does it make sense? NO. But how sick and tired do you think I get of reading the same combinations of words, strung together repeatedly in different combinations throughout the ages? Even sick and tired. Things like "riotous mass of curls". How many authors in how many books have used that same phrase how many times? Why not a writhing snakebed of ringlets? Let's change things up a bit here!
So, I just totally took a detour and was reading call center memes. I lost my motivation a little.
Okay, I lost it a LOT. I suddenly got super tired and went to bed. I've been sick for the past couple days. Tristan had what I think was bronchitis, and I had to pick him up from school because he had a fever of 102.9. I totally kissed and snuggled the little guy, thinking I was invincible with my yoga and magical green smoothies. Nooooooope. Still human. I think I would have recovered more quickly if I hadn't been working 12 hour days...even though I DID have Tuesday off, but I wasn't able to sleep in on Tuesday because of the full moon. I know I really need rest today, but. Can't sleep. Damn that moon.
My period is going to be here annnnnnnyyyyyyyyyy dayyyyy. Now that I've actually been able to pay attention to my cycle, I've realized that all these years of pregnancy scares were probably never anything to worry about. Every other month, my period is naturally late. I would say that I have a long cycle, but on alternating months it's "on time", whatever on time is supposed to be anyway. So last month, I had been bleeding for a few days by the time the full moon came. This month, the full moon came Tuesday and I'm still waiting. I'm not worried, I've been up to 2 weeks late before. Besides, I'm very bitchy and my face is breaking out, so I know it's coming. Not like I could be pregnant anyway.
Haha. My brain makes me laugh sometimes. I was just blogging at like 9:30 last night, it's less than 12 hours later. I came back here to finish this entry and pretty much repeated the exact first paragraph again. I was going to go up and delete it, but I decided to leave it just for giggles. I'm sure other people don't find it amusing when I absolutely can not recall what I have already told them, and I probably tell the same stories over and over like an alcoholic who has regaled you 782 times about that one time he got pulled over and he told the cop to fuck off, yet to be polite you still force yourself to laugh every single time like you never heard that story before. Do people do that to me? Probably. Well anyway, this is why it would be a very bad idea for me to lie. :)
Isn't it weird that every time I'm dating someone, I immediately come here and tell every single detail, every thought, every feeling. I devote entire entries to nonsense relationship rambling. And this time, what have you heard? It's weird to me, because I'm so beyond amazed, awestruck. But I have nothing to say? I just feel like it's....special. What I'm experiencing right now feels like it deserves some level of respect, and it almost seems degrading to prance it all out there naked in front of everyone.
I will admit also that there is a certain element of being afraid to move in fear of disturbing it. It's as if a butterfly has landed on my hand, and now all of a sudden I don't dare breathe. Or blink. Or move at all, because it might fly away.
To love is not to seek to possess, and I know this. I don't want to possess it. But I don't want it to go away. Does that make sense? I guess it sounds like I'm getting attached, which is something I already know not to do. But not in a dependent way. My life is better. I want it to stay better. I'm very happy, is it wrong to want to stay happy? I know happiness can not be sought through external objects or people. At the same time, though, there's something about human interaction that we need. Aren't we as humans designed to love, and to share, and to mirror, and to rejoice in on another? To celebrate the divine spark through loving each of its manifestations?
My sense of reality has been shaken. Sometimes I feel like I'm making this up. With Shyloh, a lot of times we will say the same thing at the same time, which is cool. She's definitely from my soul tribe. But this is on a whole other level. Everything he says, it seems as if it's been plucked right from my own brain. Everything I love, he's passionate about as well. We can talk for hours and I'll walk away from the conversation with an expanded perspective. If I had known that this was possible my entire life, how would that have changed me? Then again, I wouldn't have bothered to endure the circumstances I did and wouldn't have become the person I am. It's a conundrum.
He has such a brilliant mind, and a warm heart, and he is so funny! In that aspect, he reminds me of my dad. (Don't be gross, you know what I mean) He's intuitive and spiritual. Honest and kind. He's a good kisser, he's got this powerful energy, and he's HOT. I could honestly go on but I'm not in 5th grade and I know you don't want to hear it. But I really feel like....like when you've been trying to shove this key in all these different locks all your life. Sometimes it'll go in, but it won't turn. Sometimes it just won't go in at all. Sometimes if you turn it sideways and turn the knob to the left while you jiggle the key, it'll open. This must be what the key feels like when it just. Goes in. The lock. And the door opens. No struggle. Which your brain can not compute, because up to this point it has been your understanding and experience that it always IS a struggle. And THIS is a paradigm shift.
I know it might seem soon to be making these grand declarations, and make no mistake -- it IS early and I'm not naive. But you always get that feeling, a sense very early on (which I often ignore) about what the connection is like between you. While a good connection is no guarantee of a successful relationship, I do believe it's an essential first step. All is good so far. Really, really, REALLY good. :) I'm so thankful!
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