I definitely want to talk about the whole twin flame concept, especially as it relates to 11:11. For mood tracking purposes, though, I need to discuss my current state first.
I'm confused. I don't know what happened. Was I triggered? Is this a low? Is it an intuitive sensing of a disturbance? Something is wrong. Something is off. I can't put my finger on it, I don't know if it's outside of me or inside of me.
We'll backtrack to the weekend. I just spent three paragraphs describing my car troubles and I decided to condense it, or I'll never get to my original point. Long story short, I ran out of gas and my oil light started coming on which apparently could mean my engine is going to die, and on the way back from Lansing Fabio told me that my tire was making a sound which meant it was about to fall off. I ran over a couple of curbs over the past few weeks, and I noticed a wobble/shake, but I didn't realize it was that serious.
So of course, I'm stressed out over the car situation. I haven't planned adequately financially for this, and as much overtime as I've been working, I feel like I'm never getting caught up. It's giving me anxiety. I'm one catastrophe away from financial ruin. It's hanging over my head. Is that what has killed my idealism? I have BECOME that nagging voice in my head. Be reasonable, be logical. Be responsible. I don't have the luxury of gambling my stability away right now, I just don't.
Yes, I hate my job. But my entire life is like a stack of blocks, balanced precariously on my job, which in turn is perched upon my car. If the car goes, the whole thing topples. If the job goes, again, devastation. I can't afford that right now. I want to be moving toward greater financial independence, and hopes and dreams don't pay the bills. I really hate the way I sound right now. I really hate the part of me that feels this way, so hopeless, so resigned, so defeated. And here I start crying again and I think I've realized the source of my angst. I feel like I have no choice. I feel forced into this role which I despise. I feel like I can't afford to take risks, but maybe that's just a story I tell myself? What if I could? But what if I CAN'T? And what if I never try??????
This probably makes absolutely no sense. This is just me, working through my thoughts and feelings. Anyway, so I was texting with Joth earlier and I honestly don't know what happened. I have always felt like, no matter what I say, he GETS exactly what I'm saying. He picks up on the unspoken parts, he can finish my thought. It's so amazing and eerie. It doesn't matter which words I choose, even if I say the opposite of what I mean. He always gets what I mean. I feel like the words are just a formality with him, because it's like our brains are connected -- I say something, and the understanding is transmitted through some link to his brain. But today.
We were having a conversation, and I don't know what set me off. It was about hypnotherapy, which sounds so interesting, but the logical side of me wants the facts and research. Is it worth pursuing. Because if I go after something, I give it everything I have. So before I do that, I take a very analytical approach in order to determine whether my time will be well invested. I was asking questions, and at first it was a normal conversation. But to be honest, and I hesitate to say this because I know he reads my blog sometimes, but I have to. To be honest, his genuineness seemed to fade at some point. (I think "genuinity" sounds better, but apparently that is not a word. So, genuineness it is...mmm, reminds me of Guinness...)
All of a sudden, I didn't feel like he was responding as "himself". It's how he would feel if I started "customer service-ing" him -- "That must have been so frustrating for you. I apologize for your inconvenience. Thank you for your patience". It sounds insincere, right? Well, I felt like I was talking to a salesman all of a sudden. I was listening to some sales pitch, which was not what I wanted. It felt like he was insulting my intelligence. I was asking real questions, and he was giving me these fluff answers.
I started to get angry. I would re-state or re-ask, but more sales pitch. Not only that, but where before he has always understood exactly what I meant, he kept misunderstanding everything I said. I got so frustrated! I started to feel anger welling up inside me, and sadness. Like whatever link had connected us before was broken, the lines were down, out of service. That happens all the time with my mom, and with other people. I guess, though, I never expected it with him.
I'm not sure how it made me feel. I'm not even sure the cause of it -- was it what he said? Was it my inner fears? Without even knowing WHY I'm upset, what do I say? If I want to blame him, I can find ten reasons I could tell him why it's his fault. If I want to blame myself, I could come up with ten explanations as to why it's my fault. Maybe it's nobody's fault, and that's entirely possible -- but WHY do I feel this way? WHY am I upset? How can I NOT EVEN KNOW?????
Honestly, it's not a big deal. I love everything about him and this is just something I need to work through. Of COURSE, I never got to the whole twin flame/11:11 thing I really wanted to talk about. It's actually pretty cool. I used to be totally skeptical of the whole "twin flame" idea -- I thought it was just couples who were trying to one-up other couples on how in LOVE they were. "We're in love". "Oh yeah? Well WE'RE soulmates!" "Oh YEAH? Well WE'RE TWIN FLAMES!!!" It just honestly seemed like some ridiculous made up thing.
There are many things that I don't accept or agree with until I experience them for myself, and this is one of them. It is so eye-opening, to feel something on this level. It seems like it could only be a once in a UNIVERSE kind of thing, it seems so unlikely that the odds of it ever having happened before or ever happening again are dismal. But not so. I was Googling "11:11" because I've been seeing it ALLLLLLLL the time, like, RIDICULOUSLY a lot. And I was amazed to see what I saw about how seeing it relates to the whole twin flame thing. Then I read up more on the twin flame thing, and I though, woah. So this HAS happened before. This DOES happen to other people. This is just a world that was never accessible or imaginable to me before, so I wrote it off as wishful fancy from delusional minds. Not so. It is real. I'll write more about it next time. :)
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