I really need to start putting pictures on my blog posts again, but I still haven't thought of a theme. Maybe I'll include thought-provoking memes from Facebook. I quote them often enough!
Okay, actually I decided I'll use affirmations. Really, affirmations changed my life. I feel like it's thrown out so freely that people really underestimate the importance of positive thinking. It seems so simple that no one takes it seriously. It's dismissed as a fluffy new-age concept, a naive and childlike over-simplistic idea. Even when people come to you and tell you simply, change your thoughts and your whole life could change, still we don't believe it could be that easy. We assume they have something else that we lack, that they got where THEY are due to luck, money in the family, good connections, something. Something that we believe we don't have.
Self-love is not just a nice thing to do, if we have time in our hectic schedule that we have crammed with more important things. It's not a luxury, saved only for if and when we have loved everyone else and accomplished everything else "more important". It is the sacred work. It is at the root of all success. There is no point in taking on any other single thing on this planet if it is not rooted firmly in the strong nourishing soil of self-love. If critical thoughts and negativity are poison, affirmations are sunshine and self-care is water. From that, we can grow the mightiest oaks. The loftiest dreams can be accomplished, but never from a place of doubt and self-loathing.
I can scarcely believe the miracles I have seen happen in my own life over the past year. It just keeps getting bigger, more significant, more amazing. And you, dear diary, have been here through the whole thing to witness the entire transformation from victimization to victory. I mean, here is an excerpt from October 11, 2012 -- just two years ago. Compare that to NOW, and I have a lot to be thankful for!
In relationship news...*sigh*. I have been diligently plodding along, exhausting every option available to me which may be able to help me get out. Homeless Assessment Program (HAP) said they'd try to place me in a shelter, but every morning that I call the girl in charge of that, she calls me back advising me that the shelter is full. YWCA is full. Safe Haven informed me that they have a waiting list, and when I DO make it off the waiting list, I can only stay for a week or two. That isn't long enough for me to save up the money I need to move. They referred me back to HAP. :) My social worker suggested I apply for SER through DHS (State Emergency Relief, Department of Human Services) so I called my caseworker to inquire about that and have not heard back. Apparently, they can assist you with the first month's rent and deposit if you find affordable housing. I also contacted a shelter in Allegan via email, but I have not heard back. Allegan is a long drive from here, though. I don't really know what else to do now.
Despite the pregnancy, this hopeless feeling of being trapped is wearing me thin. I have felt suicidal at times, at other times just hopeless and numb. I don't feel like doing anything, and I feel like I'm just going through the motions. I want to give up, but I know I can't. The thing is, if I stay, how can I have my kids? I am trying to put them first, but it's too cold to live in my car and I have nowhere else to go.
This is why I keep this blog. This is why I write here. Because when I get discouraged, no matter how bad it gets now, I can always be thankful for how far I have come. I can always be glad that I have a home. That I am not being hurt, criticized, abused, cheated on, lied to. That I can be comfortable with my children here. That they feel safe. Not only that, but new blessings just keep flowing in every day.
Life is as magical as we allow it to be. We are as happy as we give ourselves permission to be. I know that sounds stupid, but hear me out. Because logically, I agree. Why WOULDN'T we give ourselves permission to be happy? If we could all choose, wouldn't we ALL choose supreme bliss, all the time? Yet we don't have it. So that must not be correct. It IS, though. We have these subconscious blocks, this subtle programming, things we don't even notice. We get in our own way far more often that we can even be cognizant of. We have to just stop these patterns in their tracks every single time we notice. In order to notice, we must become hyper-aware. Monitor our thoughts. Analyze our dreams. Explain our reactions. Sit with our feelings. Seek to understand ourselves.
I think I'm a pretty positive person, but I was at work last night and I had been there for 12 hours. I was thinking in my head, "What a genius idea it was to sign up for OT today". Like in a grumbly voice. Then I thought, wait. No one can hear me. Strangely, in life we are sometimes socially expected to complain. But this conditioning pervades us, into our own thoughts. Even when no one can hear, even when we are alone, we say these things to ourselves. When I hear myself talking like that, I immediately correct myself. We can't always filter the bad thoughts from coming in, but when we hear one, we can rephrase it. I said, "I am so thankful for this opportunity to get three extra hours of pay at time and a half. I am so grateful for the abundance in my life". Also, I was tired, but for a very good reason. So instead of, "Oh, I'm so tired, I just wish I could be at home sleeping" I said, "I am so thankful that I had such a wonderful person to talk to, and that we had so much to say that we didn't want to sleep." Bam. I could go on and on, because I haven't even discussed the weekend yet, but I'll save that for tomorrow. Dang! I also wanted to talk about my dreams! Well, you know. The best laid plans of mice and men...
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