Okay, so you know it's almost a new moon WHEN...
Hahaha. For me, new moons always come with increased synchronicity. The super amplified, can't write it off as a coincidence kind. It's fun to pay attention to patterns and to make these connections...more pieces adding to the puzzle. What will it BE?? I don't KNOWWWWWW! Ooooh, look, another piece!!
Anyway, so before a full moon, I get crazy dreams. Vivid, powerful, symbolic dreams. Not always lucid, but very realistic and deep. I have known that for a while. What I only just started noticing in the past year was that before a full moon, I notice more synchronicity. Example.
I was at work today, daydreaming as usual. I was thinking back to this conversation last night about our country's weird views on sexuality. I started thinking about hickeys, and why the hell they are inappropriate? It's not like it's a private body part showing. In fact, on any other part of your body, it's simply a bruise. And magically, not obscene. Yet somehow, if that bruise is on your NECK...scandal. And WHY? Because of how it got there. Why???? Because it's evidence that we had sex. And that, somehow, is something to be ashamed of....???? I still don't get it. Can any adult with a brain provide a reasonable explanation? I don't think so. So why don't we get with the program already?
Anyway, as I was pondering this in my mind, a call beeped in. Sometimes, that sound in my ear is really an inconvenience...it means I actually have to do my job. Hahaha. Anyway, the customer's information popped up on my screen. I was in shock. I was amazed. I am SO NOT LYING. Her name was MARGARET HICKEY. I swear on my children IT REALLY HAPPENED. Whaaaaaaaaat?????!!
You know how I look for the lessons in all of my experiences? Well, I think I discovered one of the lessons I'm learning right now. It's sooooooo tough. Relationships are really just a more intense training ground for our personal (and therefore, collective) evolution. Everything is amplified -- the potential for pain (and yet, for growth), the opportunities for learning, the expansion of mind and heart. They always help us, even if it's just by being a mirror to reflect the ugly things about ourselves that need our attention. In the current case, by the way, it's exactly the opposite.
It doesn't escape my attention that, as much alike as we are, so many things I admire about him are also things I should admire about myself. I am discovering my own self worth by recognizing the same in him. If HE'S amazing because of x,y, and z...and I ALSO have x,y, and z...what excuse do I have to not appreciate myself too? I had so much lingering insecurity, even after two years. I made a good bit of progress in cultivating the self-love which was foreign to me, but there was a doubting part still inside me. And I'm not going to lie, I can hear it whisper sometimes still. "He's going to get bored with you." "You're not good enough." "You don't deserve this."
Of course, I always tell it to shut up. That's just me. But sometimes I hear Noe's voice telling me no one would want a girl who had three kids by three different guys, or Andrew's voice saying the only thing I'm good for is a piece of ass. Or Noe, saying I'm not a real woman like his wife, and all anyone would ever want from me is a fun time. I'm a very sexual person, but I've waited because I worried so much that he would think the same -- and he's been totally okay with that! This is the first time ever that I've dated someone who didn't just go for it, which I'm so thankful for. Because to be honest, between you and I? I would have let it happen. But really that isn't what I wanted, because I wanted him to see me for who I really am first, and to be able to take comfort in knowing for sure that I'm not just a fun time to him. I didn't even have to tell him, it's like he sensed it. He hasn't pressured me at all.
So anyway but the lesson I'm working on which is so HAAAAAAARDDDDDDD is being able to receive gracefully. I'm not used to this. He tells me sweet things all the time -- sincere compliments, not just flattery. And he does such thoughtful things -- he sent me a little espresso maker, just having remembered a conversation we had. He sent me a coin scarf to go with my Halloween costume (which, strangely enough, I was planning to get...and he didn't even know it). So, you know, it's way totally sweet. And I'm so thankful for him. But why does it make me feel so weird? Why do I feel like that awkward, get the spotlight off me, uncomfortable feeling? Are there some deep-seated feelings of unworthiness I need to resolve? Is that what's going on with my sacral chakra? Whatever it is, I need to clear it OUT!
And the same thing applies to me going after my dreams. I tell myself what I'm passionate about and what I want to do, but when it comes to going for it...the dumb little voices. You're not good enough, you're wasting your time, be realistic, there are so many people better than you, you don't have the skills, etc. etc. Now, I REALLY want to step into a new phase of my life. But I get the same panicky feeling when I think of, say, charging for reiki. It's the same feeling I get when Joth tells me something nice about myself. This burning, uncomfortable, ugly emotion. Like shame. Like, I know what I really am. How dare I entertain thoughts of actually BEING somebody. After being conditioned to believe you're worthless, can you ever resurrect your self-esteem? Can you ever be self-assured again in your life? What do I need to do to make this happen???
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