You know how they teach you that positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment? I think we all realize that this is the case as it pertains to our children, and strive to parent them that way. It's easier said than done, for sure -- sometimes we catch ourselves yelling, "DON'T pinch your sister, STOP leaving your Legos on the floor, you CAN'T leave the milk on the counter when you're done using it, NO coloring on the walls" etc.
Just like our own subconscious, our children don't register the can't, don't, stop, no. It's true that we get more of whatever we focus on, and we should (should...ha...I need a new word) replace these statements with, "Be nice to your sister, pick up your Legos, put the milk away when you're finished with it, please only color on paper". Sometimes the negative reinforcement comes out, as a habit. Sometimes we don't catch ourselves before we go into discipline mode automatically. Good parenting is a process and we are always improving, though, and as long as we continually strive to do better, we will.
In the same vein, it's a great idea to catch our kids doing something GOOD, so we can compliment them. Instead of only giving feedback when they mess up, it's helpful to also acknowledge when they are demonstrating desirable behavior. I try to do this as often as I can, but there's always room for growth.
This is not what I came to talk about, though. I wanted to compare this to how we talk to ourselves. In many ways, we are always parenting our inner child. So often in social situations, I get carried away and as I reflect upon the experience later, am mortified to realize how much I interrupted. How rude I must have seemed. What a bad listener I am. I will literally beat myself up for hours over a conversation that I completely failed at. This results in some anxiety the next time I enter a similar situation, with me psyching myself up before hand with a little pep talk. Okay, Christine. This time NO interrupting. I will NOT talk over anyone else. I will STOP thinking about what I'm going to say next and just LISTEN. Inevitably, though, I am dismayed to find that I follow the same exact patterns once again, making me feel hopeless and shitty and a poor excuse for a human being. I feel like I'm unfixable, it's impossible, I can never change.
It suddenly occurred to me that dwelling on my mistakes only increases them. It dawned on me that our inner child needs positive parenting in order for our efforts to be effective. I realized that yesterday, for once, I acknowledged a good choice I made in communicating and I allowed myself to feel good about it. That's the key, isn't it? Not being so wrapped up in what we're doing wrong, but noticing and celebrating when we do right. Maybe now I can change. Maybe now I won't feel the need to hide myself away from human interaction because I fear that I'm so horrible to talk to that people will hate me. I dare hope!
(By the way, that picture is my dear sweet princess Jewel) :)
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