Impossible

I know I'm not going to be able to do this entry any justice because my energy is low and I'm not feeling as focused as I'd like to be.  It's getting colder, and I think I am hitting a low.  I'm not unhappy, though.  Yesterday was rough, but we got through it.  I've been analyzing myself all day, and as unfortunate as the misunderstanding was yesterday, it helped bring to light some things that needed my attention.

Remember how I said that before I jump into anything, I dissect and question it?  As if that were a virtue?  Looking back at my life, though, where has that ever benefited me?  How has that ever worked out to my advantage?  Sure, the things I DID attempt may have been successful after being relentlessly scrutinized by me -- but what about the risks I never took?  I have only ever been unafraid to take risks that would hurt me.

Why is that?  When I think about marketing reiki or tarot, writing a book, publishing poetry, or doing this hypnotherapy thing -- why THEN do I feel the need to make sure it's 100% safe, fail-proof, and reliable?  Why in the past have I not applied this strategy to dating, for example?  Why have I jumped into every potentially dangerous risky situation, but have suddenly found reserves of prudence and practicality when faced with a potentially successful situation?  

What happened yesterday had nothing to do with Joth.  I know I said that I felt like he was being insincere, because I really felt like to be so positive was unrealistic.  But where has realistic ever gotten me?  What have I ever accomplished from that mindset?  And what's the worst that could happen if I just start doing what I might have done?  Even if I fail, won't I be happy?  Wouldn't I be happier failing at something I love than succeeding at something I hate?  Fuck YES.

From now on, I LIVE.  Ohhhhhh so I never talked about last weekend!  Well, Fabio and I went to go see Joth do Rocky Horror.  I was scared, sooooooo scared, and I hadn't hung out with Fabio in over a year (intentionally).  His girlfriend just got a job at Charter and we started talking again.  I had him come with me, as sort of a social buffer to alleviate my anxiety.  The thing is, though, I knew that reconnecting with Fabio was a bad idea.  I have been clean and sober 18 months.  Whatever he does, I'm strong enough.  He doesn't do what I used to do, so we're okay there.  He can GET it, but I'm not tempted to ask.  I'm good.

BUT.  Today, RJ texted me from Fabio's phone.  Oh my goddess, RJ.  Don't even get me started, that's a whole other entry.  Let's just say the last time I reconnected with RJ ended in me losing custody of my daughter.  And, it was also in the fall...9 years ago.  Nothing good could come of rekindling any kind of friendship between us.  That's a road I left behind me.  

And anyway, what the HELL is going on lately???  Ramiro's been asking for pictures, calling me sweetie, telling me he misses me.  It means absolutely nothing.  I feel absolutely nothing, because I'm so overwhelmed with the magnificence of the relationship I'm currently experiencing.  Nothing else could touch this...it makes me laugh.  

I promise I'm going to write more about twin flames.  Really it's pretty mind-blowing.  Not today, though.  I couldn't do it justice.

Work is going pretty well, all of my numbers are great.  I'm still hoping to hear back from Farmers, though.  And also plan to invest myself in pursuing what really fulfills me.  Big changes are coming!  I'm going to put myself out there.  Reiki, tarot, writing, and learning new things.  Getting back to the Ayurveda thing I was studying.  I need to make a list of goals, and steps to accomplishing them.  Then I need to shut up with all my damn excuses and just START.  I'm very excited for this.  I've been waiting all my life to start my life :)