Partnership vs. Ownership

That picture doesn't actually have anything to do with my topic, but I thought it was beautiful.  I also think it would make a bad-ass tattoo!  In fact, it is decided.  I'm putting it on my body.  :)

Soooooooooo, this weekend was pretty much awesome, despite the fact that there was "trouble in paradise" and also that I got a flat tire and am currently driving on a donut tire.  I feel like I've finally been able to chip away at some of these walls I've built.  I'm disabling these programs I've been running ever since forever -- and after all, when have they ever worked for me?  How appropriate it is that we are approaching a full moon -- the time for releasing that which no longer serves you.

You don't know what happened and it's going to be confusing if I just jump around from topic to topic, so I'll try to write like normal people do in order from beginning to end.  First, Friday night.  Joth came and we went to Brian and Danielle's Halloween party.  He dressed as a "vampirate", and he looked sooooooo good.  I dressed as a belly dancer.  I was so happy.  I felt like WE were so happy.  Nothing at all went wrong all night -- we had some very strong rum, we laughed, we kissed, we talked, we danced.  Everything up until the time we fell asleep was perfect, just as if it had been taken out of a book.  I thought, finally.  Life is so good.  

Sometimes, excessive drinking can trigger depression.  I don't get full-blown depression anymore, thank goddess, but I do hit lows.  I hadn't done yoga in a week, either, and I usually rely on that to help keep me balanced.  I realize, though, that I'm blaming everything else and I need to act like a grown-up and just admit that I acted like a fucking child.  

Here's the thing, though -- read back through this blog.  Notice all the entries in which I blamed myself for everything that was going wrong in past relationships.  See how I accepted responsibility for all of the issues that, in retrospect, had nothing to do with me.  Read how many excuses I made for my partner, how many times I minimized what he did.  Of course, blame is a strange concept anyway, something I feel differently about than I once did.  I believe in causality, and that we are all doing the best we can with what we have, and that things are rarely ever so black-and-white as to be able to clearly label one party "guilty" and one party "innocent".  

Anyway, so I freaked out on Saturday.  In a lot of weird ways, I'm not a jealous person.  I have shared partners before and never felt the slightest twinge.  I have spent the past year fortifying my self-worth and vanquishing my insecurity.  I really felt that I was ready for the next level in relationships, to move on past the ego-based power plays into the balanced land of harmonious conscious partnership.  

I mean, that's what I wanted.  That's what I intended.  That's what I manifested.  But, you can't run the same old programs on the new and improved computer.  It just doesn't work.  It's like I'm trying to run this Dr. Mario cartridge on a brand new PS4.  (I think that's the newest video game system, no?)  

It's great that I got this new, state of the art model with amazing graphics and unbelievable memory.  It's everything I wanted.  It fulfills every video-gaming need I could have.  Why would I NOT realize that the programs need to be updated in order to be compatible with it?  Of COURSE they do.  I can't take the same approach to this relationship as I have with my previous relationships and expect success.  Why would I want that, anyway?  So, I learned a little lesson on ownership vs. partnership.

At first, I bristled at the reference.  How DARE you suggest that I could be possessive?  That's not my role!  It was such an insult to feel like I was being compared to THEM -- those who had tried to own and possess me before.  How did I get lumped in with my perpetrators???  I'm like YOU, not like THEM!  I have been controlled, not controlling.  Possessed, not possessive.  I became so angry and frustrated because I felt misunderstood.  I felt like I appeared to him as they had appeared to me.  It was never my intention!  I just got insecure and freaked out.  

When I tried to explain my point, about wanting to feel security, feeling threatened, fear of abandonment -- he explained that you can not lose something that does not belong to you.  Wanting that guarantee of forever after is wanting to put your partner in a cage.  It's loving a bird and admiring its beauty, but clipping its wings.  I felt ashamed.  That's not who I want to be -- I know how it feels.  I don't want someone to be with me because they feel stuck, I've been there.  I don't want to tie someone down.  

But, I'm also very quick to run, BECAUSE of that.  Because I would rather be alone than with someone who does not want to be with me.  And the only way that I can be assured that someone DOES want  to be with me is by using fucked up methods to elicit reassurance.  Of course, these methods often push people away.  Or, they include running away just to see if my partner chases me.  If they do, I believe they want me.  If they don't, I believe they never did.  But, I did a tarot reading tonight with some pretty powerful imagery at the end.  It spoke to the situation as clearly as could be.  

The outcome was the Princess of Cups, facing to the left of the card holding her emotional cup.  To the right of that card was the Prince of Staves, facing also to the left of the card -- as if she was in front, he was behind her, and they were both facing the same direction.  As if he were chasing her.  Especially as Staves are fire.  Me, purposely walking away, putting him in a position where I need him to pursue me in order to convince me that he does want me.  

But the advice card, to the right of THOSE (I'll have to take a picture) was the Two of Cups -- same girl, same boy, but now facing each other, holding the same cup TOGETHER.  This is my advice.  Stop trying to make him chase you.  Be an equal partner.  Turn around and hold this cup together and be a TEAM.  The game I'm playing right now puts us on opposing sides, and that's not what emotionally healthy people do.  It's time to stop.

Really quick, because I know I've been talking forever -- but good things!  Sister circle book club, full moon gathering, AND bellydancing coming up.  I am one happy lady.  I am excited to DO some stuff!