Anyway, I forgot that it was the one I hated. It was an ab one, and anything with abs or arms is guaranteed to kick my ass. Legs? Bring it. Balancing, stretching? No problem. But arms or abs? Ugh. I guess I hate them because they're the ones I need the most. So I should be grateful for them.
The pose you see above is like plank, but on your elbows. But from THERE, you had to pick your leg up four inches, then bring your knee forward, then bring it back and lift it, then forward again. Then touch your knees ALMOST to the ground, and back up. Then rock forward and backward. I think the part that was infuriating me the most is that she would say, "Now we're going to take two breaths in this position" and then she'd start blabbing ON and ON about something, meanwhile I've been holding this pose MORE than two breaths and I'm dying and just wishing she would shut UP!
I am very, very grouchy. I feel emotionally turbulent. I haven't felt this melancholy in a while. Here I was thinking I made it through a winter without any serious depression. I shouldn't have thought so soon -- this could be it. I honestly felt suicidal yesterday. Of course, although conditions are prime for this to happen, there was a trigger. Besides the fact that I am PMSing and Mercury goes retrograde tomorrow.
Well, I was feeling so victorious about transitioning Tristan to live with me. I've been waiting so long, and working so hard. We miss each other and the time finally came to make our dream a reality and reunite our family. I can't tell you how joyous I was. It isn't just that I miss my son -- I feel like I have been stripped of my very "motherness". Not having a child at home every day, being in charge of someone's every decision, not being the primary caregiver, not packing the lunches or laying out the jammies or helping with homework every night...I feel like Mom "Lite". It wasn't so much the loss of my child, but the loss of my motherhood. The change in my status that has been so hard to accept. I know this is a lesson I need to learn. But my heart just aches so much.
Anyway, he was here from Sunday night until tonight (which is Wednesday). He had a bad day Monday. He got detention yesterday. He had to talk to the principal again today. WHAT is wrong??? I had such a breakdown yesterday. I'm not proud of myself, but I literally could not control my emotions.
I thought everything was perfect -- I had tucked him in, given him snuggles, fed him a big healthy dinner, packed him a nice healthy delicious lunch with a love note, let him take a relaxing bath with my smelly bath salts...I felt good sending him to school. In fact, I even went to Spirit Dreams and picked him up a couple gemstones in a little pouch. I got orange calcite for happiness, crazy lace agate to help balance his energy, and black tourmaline for protection from negative energy. I was so excited to pick him up. Then I found out he had kicked a student and I just lost it. I started sobbing right there in the car. I told him ALL he has to DO is just BE GOOD, and he can live with me! Why is that so hard? Why can't he do that? Doesn't he want to live with me?
I know that was unfair of me to put that on him like that. Transition brings feelings of stress in children and he is not intentionally hurting me. It isn't even ABOUT me. He just isn't handling his emotions well, and I wasn't helping at ALL with that reaction. I was just so disappointed. It was then that I realized that I can pour my heart, soul, time, and money into being a great mom -- but ultimately, it's up to HIM whether they will let him come back. If he has behavior issues when he's been with me, it won't happen. And I can't MAKE him be good. It's out of my hands, and I'm so not comfortable not being in control. It makes me feel frustrated and angry.
Then I picked Jewel up and she was holding the gemstones and dropped them in the car. We couldn't find the agate and I just pulled over and started SCREAMING. I just couldn't hold myself together anymore. I felt crushed inside. Just so helpless. So discouraged. So defeated.
I thought today would be a better day, but it's not. I haven't done yoga in forever and haven't been reading or studying Ayurveda like I was. I tried to pick up a book and couldn't read it. Finally I just forced myself to say it IS what it IS so let's just align with the flow and make the best of what we have. I got attached to a specific outcome and now I am suffering. I had an expectation and life doesn't always go the way we think it should. This is what I have, this is what I will work with. So I pushed my ass out onto the yoga mat and it seemed to unblock some stagnant energy, because here I am blogging again.
Then I had some dandelion tea with honey and coconut milk, it was soooooooo delicious. It's supposed to be good for PMS. Also I have some lovely henna on my hand from Juliea yesterday, I think I'm going to have to get some because I want henna on me all the time! I don't always understand the purpose of things. Life gets hard for no apparent reason sometimes. But I'm going to keep my head up. Everything is going to be okay.
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