Yesterday...all my troubles seemed so far away...life was such an easy game to play....

Ohhhhh, I am some FUNKY kind of BLUE.  I can't even describe this.  I mean, on one hand, yesterday I was maniacally cleaning.  I couldn't even stop, I was washing clean clothes, scrubbing clean spaces on the counter.  Everything...just...had...to...be...PERFECT.  Inside, I was exhausted.  But as long as there was something else out of place, not quite right, I couldn't stop.  If only I could channel that at will...;)

But.  At the same time, I'm despondent.  Overwhelmed.  Irrationally emotional.  I got my period today, I KNOW things are not nearly as hopeless as they seem.  I know the lens through which I view the world right now is distorted, that I am not drowning.  But damn it if it doesn't feel like the end of the world as I know it.  Furthermore, Mercury is in retrograde and winter is NEVERRRR ENDINGGGGGGGGGG.  

I put on my makeup this morning, sobbed uncontrollably.  Cried it all away before I even left the house.  I talked to Tristan after school, and was happy to hear he had a good day.  Although to be honest, I was also a little NOT happy because it only serves to prove Rachel's idea that she is justified in stealing my son because he does better when he's over there.  

I'm getting those paranoid feelings again.  Those everybody is out to get me vibes.  I mean, Tristan brought over his hat and gloves and I looked EVERYWHERE for them.  I EMPTIED OUT the fucking closet more than once.  Not just thoroughly looked -- took everything out, one by one, put it all back in.  I am absolutely POSITIVE that they weren't there.  A week or so later, after I spent THIRTY dollars on a pair of ski gloves from Amazon, Rachel came to pick him up and he found them in the closet.  At first I thought that was weird.  But then I started to wonder if she never left them here at all.  If she wanted me to look bad for Tristan going to school without a hat and gloves.  If she snuck them back into my closet when I wasn't looking, so I would feel crazy.  I KNOW how insane I sound.  And inside, I FEEL a little insane.  But I also feel like she's evil and she WOULD.  How will I ever know?  Do you know what it's like to have that crazy feeling in your mind, knowing it can never be validated?

So, I got home from work today, and Brian called me.  Apparently like 4 or 5 books on narcissistic personality and love addiction came to his house, addressed to "Christine-Raena-Colter-Lyon-Hunt-Monterrosas-Ortiz........Kacos"  What the FUCK?  First of all, the address on the typed label was wrong, and it wasn't even mailed.  It was dropped off.  Who do I know that would A) Know where Brian lives B) Know the last name of all those exes and C) Know me well enough to make some kind of assessment about my personality...but not well enough to know where I really live?  Or is it someone (like a family member) that DOES, in fact, know where I live...and DOES, in fact, know Brian's real address, but feigned ignorance as a way to disguise their identity?  

You know what, whoever it is, I don't give a shit.  You think I haven't wondered these things about myself a time or two?  Do you think I really need some random anonymously delivered books from whoever you are, as imperfect as you surely are?  Was this mean-spirited or well-intentioned?  What kind of superiority complex does THIS person have to go to all this trouble addressing my issues while acting like they have none that their time would be much better spent addressing?

I got done doing yoga and just cried, and cried, in Savasana.  I want to cry, and cry some more.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong.  Are these signals from the universe?  Am I off track?  Am I supposed to be picking something up here, doing something different?  Why?  WHY???????