Amazingness, today. Oh, and that pose...it looks easy, and I think for some people it IS. But I have tight hips and it was HARD! If I just keep working them, though, it'll be easy in no time.
So check out this AMAZING thing that just happened. I'm not going to call it a coincidence because I don't believe in them, synchronicities are messages from the Universe. I am so amazed.
So, I woke up feeling really sad, still. Maybe an end-of-winter can't-believe-it's-still-snowing where-the-fuck-is-the-sunshine kinda melancholy. I had bad dreams, although I can't remember details. The vibe lingers on me like the scent of a lover who has long since left my bed. I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like everything was kind of pointless. It's weird that I get the most depressive symptoms and suicidal ideation during manic phases, no? I mean, there are times that I'm just high on life and elated. But if one bad thing happens while I'm manic, it's like that high energy channels into my depression, strengthening and deepening it. It's a deadly cocktail.
Yesterday, my brother never brought Tristan over. Nobody called or texted me, and I was really looking forward to seeing him. I texted Rachel and she said Blair's meeting got cancelled so he and Tristan were just hanging out at "home". Whoops, sorry. Tee hee! We all know that child would have rather spent his day with his mother than anyone else, but you keep with you on MY day off because...why? You say you love him, but you keep him from the biggest source of joy available to him at every turn. You think that maybe, if Mom is not available, all the love and admiration he holds for her will be somehow directed toward you? Not the way it works, bucko. Anyway, I was nice. I didn't say anything mean. I am really working on this, always be kind thing. But it's so HARD when others are unkind to YOU!
In the past, I have underestimated how much we humans really have a drive and desire to hurt those who have hurt us. Or maybe it's just me, I certainly can't speak for the whole species. I found myself getting ready to post snide memes on Facebook about climate change, and how stupid and ignorant climate change deniers and creationists are. I had to stop myself. I had to question my motive. What did I hope to achieve by posting that? To piss someone off, because they had pissed ME off? SHIT taking the high road is so HARD for me sometimes! I even had the impulse to send Noe's wife some extravagant gift for Valentine's day, with a note saying something like "Thank you so much for being in my life, beautiful". Then he would be so pissed off...but that would be horrible, wouldn't it? Why would I want to do that?
Why am I still so angry that I was so hurt and he never had to "pay"? Where do we get this notion that every wrongful act deserves retribution? I say I believe in Karma, but sometimes I grow impatient with the process. If I am honest, though, if I really want to go there -- there are things that maybe I have done that I didn't suffer appropriately for. Things I "got away with"...except I didn't. I remember back when Tristan was about three. I was making a LOT of money. Easy money. Dwight and I went out to eat all the time, dropped cash like it was nothing. We took our friends out for no reason, bought them things just because. We stayed in four star hotels and ordered room service. Went out dancing every weekend. Took trips to Detroit for music festivals and wasted more in a week than I currently MAKE in two months. My hair and nails were always done and I had a zillion pairs of shoes.
I remember vividly, sitting on the couch one day at my old house. I had this weird feeling inside, like I was "cheating". I was taking care of my responsibilities, bills were paid, kids were clothed and fed, but I felt this nagging sensation. It was almost like, this is way too easy. I can't believe I'm getting away with this. I didn't. Now look at me -- those children I was taking for granted while I was out partying, where are they? How many nights do I stay up at night crying? Where is that time back that I wasted?
I am haunted by visions of my son asking me to play with him, or snuggle with him. My daughter asking me to sleep next to her. Of me yelling at them for the stupidest stuff. Falling asleep on the couch in the middle of the day to wake up and find the two of them sneaking outside. I can't even go on. This is a pain beyond what I could ever describe anyone, this is the bitter harvest resulting from the horrible seeds I didn't even know I was planting. Did I learn a lot from that, yes. Did I finally realize that my children were the most important thing in my world? I did. Did I see that money doesn't matter and it can never buy back the memories you didn't make? You better believe it. In a way I'm lucky because I didn't miss out on their whole childhood. I still have time to be a good mom. But I will never forgive myself for the mistakes I can't un-make. I thought I was getting away with it, but you NEVER outsmart karma. Never.
Anyway enough with the weeping. I finished yoga and still had a sad feeling in me. I didn't have the motivation to blog but I decided to anyway. I was out of ideas for song lyrics so I pulled up Pandora and told myself I'd put lyrics from the first song I heard. There was a recommendation from Pandora for a band I had never heard of, Nahko and Medicine for the People. I thought, hey what the hell. I'm always down to hear some new music, and if Pandora thinks I'll like it, I'll give it a listen. First words that come playing through my speaker:
"I believe in the good things comin', comin', comin', comin'
I believe in the good things comin', comin', comin', comin'
Out of darkness lights are pumpin', pumpin', pumpin', pumpin'
Deep breaths for a young man learnin', learnin', learnin'"
It was like medicine for my soul. I decided to check out some of their other music and found some stuff that really made my heart happy. I had almost forgotten all the love, joy, and beautiful people in this world. There ARE good things coming. I am so grateful for this reminder. Shine on!
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