Haha, do you really think I did lifted lotus today? Ohhhh noooo. But I TRIED. It didn't happen today, but with time...all things with time.
The Adrienne Reed power yoga hasn't come out with a new episode in some time, so I went to YouTube looking for variety. Yesterday, I started this 30 day yoga challenge. It's only like 15-20 minutes and not very hard, so I'm supplementing it with more intensive yoga. Yesterday I added Denise Austin yoga...of some type...can't remember the name. Anyway, she's so bubbly and cheerful and positive! I just love Denise Austin. It may not have been "real" yoga, but it was a workout nonetheless.
Oh! I didn't even say what happened while I was DOING yoga yesterday! So, I was mid-practice, in camel pose. Suddenly I smelled cigarette smoke. I heard some voices. Now, keep in mind, my blinds are open because I NEED natural sunlight, whenever and however I can get it. This time of year is typically difficult for me. So, my blinds were open. And these two guys were just STANDING on my patio smoking, right next to my slider! I didn't really know what to do, so I pretended I didn't see them and finished. Then I went and got in the shower and they were gone when I came back. Awkward...
So today I did day 2, which was arms. Yesterday we did a lot with pigeon pose, which I believe I have mentioned is not my best pose. I have tight hips and while I am exceedingly flexible in some areas, I find that I am below average flexibility hips-wise. I have always been that way, though. In cheerleading, I could do side splits without a problem but could never get that middle split down. Hey, who knows though? Maybe now that I'm 31 it will happen? Or not. It's yoga PRACTICE, not yoga PERFECT. ;)
In honor of Sienna's birthday, I went back through all the pictures Juliea emailed me. I am so thankful for those. They are so comforting and healing. I also burned a CD for Kelli with pictures of her and Sienna right after she was born. They are precious. I am excited but nervous to "meet" Sienna on the 5th. She won't remember me. She doesn't know me. Kelli said she can't wait to see her play with me. What if she doesn't want to play with me? I don't expect her, ever, to view me as a mother. But I am, obviously, related. I DO want her one day to recognize me as a relative. But I have to understand that right now she won't.
The reason I'm doing this mostly is so that when she IS old enough to understand, her parents can say, "Yeah, you know, Christine that we meet up with every year? Well that's your birth mother." I have gone through a wide range of ideas about how involved I'd be in her life. I've continued to do research and read feedback from adult adoptees. When I was pregnant, I thought it would be too heartbreaking to ever have a visit. I normally deal with difficult situations by ignoring them and hoping they will go away. But I'm not the only one to consider here. And besides, that's not really a healthy coping mechanism. I can't just stick my head in the sand and pretend this never happened. I need to accept that it DID happen, embrace it, and accept it. And know that it's okay.
I'm mad. I have no one to be mad at but myself, though, for having unrealistic expectations. If only Noe had not been married. If only when I found out about Katie it had been TRUE that they were not involved romantically. If only he hadn't lived with her. If only he had moved out, moved in with me, and loved me so I could bring the baby home that we created to be loved and cherished by two parents who also loved and cherished each other. This isn't what I wanted! I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be the only one. I wanted to have this baby, and keep this baby, and raise this baby with her father. I see pictures of her, and while they warm my heart, I think -- that could be ME taking those pictures. That could be MY lap she's sitting on, MY chest she's lying on. She could be smiling at ME. Hugging ME. It's not fair that I never got to have any of that because he couldn't just be...what I wanted him to be....what he wanted me to believe he was...what he never was.
Yeah okay well enough of the pity party. I don't need to be sitting here crying into my coffee. Life has happened exactly the way it was supposed to, and I've grown just as much over the past year as Sienna has. I AM thankful. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes.
So speaking of relationships, let me tell you about Randy. So he's this guy I work with. I mentioned him before and for some reason I found myself caving and agreeing to a date with him. I loved our conversation and I was actually into him. Then we came back to my apartment and it was clear the only thing he was interested in was making out and trying to go further. I have no patience for that. I used to be okay with it. I used to give it up on the first date, why not? Who really cares? It's not that I think it's "wrong". It's that it's a waste of my time and energy. I found myself disappointed.
We made a date for yesterday but in the meantime he had texted me pictures of his dick and I was just like, ewww. Penises are ugly, okay? At least to me. I have never understood why guys send those pictures. It made his chances WORSE, not better. I was nauseated. I was also experiencing anxiety at the thought that I would be expected to have sex. I wasn't up for that. I just wanted to relax on the couch, drink coffee, listen to music, laugh. Why would I mess that up with sex? I just don't want to. So I cancelled on him. I don't really want a boyfriend. I just want a friend...a friend who will hang out with me, watch movies, listen to music, and tell jokes. A friend who will hold my hand and even snuggle with me. But I don't want this friend to expect anything of me, least of all sex. Is that too much to ask? Probably. *sigh*
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