Things could always be worse I remind myself of this often when i'm coughing, when I'm sick when I'm hurt I get my ass outta bed, meditate the crime out my head

Today was pretty good.  I think listening to some upbeat music made all the difference yesterday.  Besides, today the sun was shining and court didn't go to badly and I got to see Tristan at his Valentine's Day party.  I'm starting to feel sort of down again, though.  I wasn't tired when I got back from Tristan's school, but I took a nap anyway.  I woke up feeling awful, like nauseated and fuzzy.  Kind of drunk, almost.  It's weird the way I nap when I'm manic.  It's not really a sleep, it's like a coma.  And when it's over, that's it.  It's over.  Whether it takes five minutes or a half hour, I fall as hard as a bag of bricks but suddenly snap out and can't sleep anymore.

So there I was, bored and with nothing to do, and I couldn't even sleep the time away.  I feel restless but I don't know what to do.  I don't want to clean, or read, or watch TV.  I'm FINE, though.  I mean, I don't feel bad.  I just feel like I should be doing something.  I just don't know what, though.  

I'm feeling the urge to be more social, I definitely want to make a point to get down to Cedar Tree and see girls from the sister circle more often.  I felt very, very blissfully happy today -- Kellee Maize has a new album, The Fifth Element.  I downloaded it and burned it onto a CD and hooped in my living room while it played.  I felt great.  I felt sublime.  Right now, not so much, but it'll pass.

I also have an urge to be more social in a different way.  The last few days it was more a sexual impulse.  Lucky for me, I haven't shaved since the last time I had sex, which was in November.  Not my legs, not my...*ahem*.  So even though I was feeling rather impulsive and sexual, I luckily did not act upon it because I didn't feel like shaving.  Haha!  Well, it's not so much that I didn't feel like shaving.  First, I have to buy a razor because my handle broke.  Secondly, I can't just SHAVE the lady area anymore (sorry TMI!).  That's no longer a job for a razor.  

Today, though, I am feeling more sentimental.  I have a deeper longing, a craving for companionship.  Remember before when I said sometimes I feel horny and sometimes I feel romantic?  And then there are the times when I have no sexual or romantic desire whatsoever and I feel like I must have finally transcended the plane of human desire.  Those are the times I totally think I could be a monk.  Ha!  Anyway, what I want more than anything right now is to snuggle, to kiss, to hug.  To hold hands.  I just want to be able to snap my fingers and someone appears, but then when I want to be alone again they disappear.  I always get irate when someone is in my personal space past the time I want company.  I start to feel claustrophobic when someone is here too long.  I feel trapped and I want to escape and I get grouchy and wish I could make them disappear.  I'm terrible, aren't I?  

It's almost Sienna's first birthday.  11 days.  You know, I love being an emotionally deep person.  I do enjoy feeling every feeling to the fullest, riding every wave to the crest.  Sometimes, though, I wish I could just dial down the intensity.  I'm so grateful for my life, and my feelings, and my children, and my experiences.  It's just that sometimes I get overwhelmed by emotion.  With all this going on, it's hard to keep my head above water.  Oh goddess give me strength.

I never heard anything from her parents about the Christmas gift I made her.  I feel kind of bad, was it too much?  Did they feel threatened?  Did they find it inappropriate because there were pictures of her nursing in it?  They were tasteful, no nipple was showing -- and I'm certainly not ashamed.  I want her to see it, to know that I didn't just callously hand her off to some strangers.  I want her to see the pictures of me holding her, beaming down at her with pure love.  To see the joy uniting everyone in the hospital room that day -- to know that we all loved and cared for her, but yes, also to see that it wasn't easy for me.  The last thing I'd ever want her to think is that I just incubated her, handed her off, and forgot her.  If I don't show her what happened that day, she'll create her own version in her own imagination, and I don't want to give her room to ever assume that I didn't love her.  She can never doubt that.

Anyway, they agreed to annual meetings after her first birthday.  I can't really talk to anyone about this because I don't want to look like it's attention seeking, or to make people feel awkward.  But I'm scared.  I don't know how I'm going to feel.  I don't know how her parents are going to feel.  I don't know how to approach her, how to talk to her.  Should I hold her?  Shit, she doesn't know me anymore.  She'll be one year old, what exactly are we going to do?  I'm afraid it's going to be awkward.  I'm afraid of how I'm going to feel when she looks at me and doesn't know me.  Is it going to break my heart?  Will it even be worth it?  She won't remember and I don't know if I'll be strong enough.  Okay I AM strong enough.  But will it make things better?  What do I hope to gain?  So many questions.  And so many tears, these last few days!  I haven't been sad all the time but I'm just SO emotional, swinging from elation to despair and back again multiple times a day.  It's exhausting.  I'm tired.  I am going to try to sleep.