Well, hello, friends. :) Life is kind of a bittersweet tragically beautiful right now. It's hard to explain. Anyway, I couldn't QUITE grab my toe but I am pleased with the progress I am making. That's what I love so much about yoga -- it changes as you change, evolves as you progress. There's no "mastering" it. It's not like those exercise videos you keep doing over and over, same exact moves, until they get easy and you have to find something else to do for a challenge. Yoga grows with you. I love that.
I am listening to The XX right now, which for some reason made me feel a bit nostalgic. I remembered the album Razorblade Suitcase (Bush) which I had been given for Christmas when I was, I think, 15. All the strong memories associated with the music I listened to at that time came rushing back. My whole life has a soundtrack. Hearing a song or album from a particular time in my life is almost as good as having a time machine -- it brings me right back. So I'm feeling reflective, emotional. It's not a bad thing, even though it feels a little sad. It's not regretfully sad. Just...again, I can't explain.
Tristan is sick today so he's going to hang out with me for a little while. I'm looking forward to some snuggles from my baby. I feel myself letting go of my resentment toward Rachel. I am trying to just BE love. Whatever her issues are, whatever story she wants to tell or imagine, it has nothing to do with me. Whatever she wants to convince herself of, it does nothing to change the fact that I am Tristan's mom, he is my son, and neither of us are ever going to forget it. Too bad.
In all this stress with custody of Tristan, though, I realized I still need to focus on my dear sweet beautiful daughter. Just because I have to fight for him and not for her does not mean she should be forgotten. I may have one child that I am fighting to get back, but I have another who is always there, patiently waiting for me and never judging me, loving me wholly and purely as only Jewel can do. I do believe her autism has gifted her in this way. She's so genuine, so pure, so honest. She is everything that I struggle so hard to be -- non-judgmental, honest, compassionate, forgiving. I find it amazing that she has retained so much of that innocence that, by her age, so many of us have lost. It's an encouragement to me to rediscover it within myself.
I got both of the kids a small bag of crystals from Spirit Dreams, and they were just ecstatic. I think I already mentioned the ones I got for Tristan, and yesterday I got Jewel carnelian, garnet (because it's her birthstone) and flourite. I got each of them a rose quartz for Valentine's Day as well. I'm glad I have something I can share with them, since they only do yoga with me when it's the Cosmic Kids yoga and even then I think they do it mostly because it makes me happy.
I was given a test at work the other day, and I almost didn't pass. I recovered rather quickly, though. I really get along with the girls on my team, and we have been planning an outing together. We're all friends on Facebook and have gotten really close. On Sunday, three of them started talking about how much they love George W Bush. Yeah for real. And how climate change isn't real, and liberals just want to sponge off the system. I found myself getting infuriated, astounded. I was thinking things about them like that they were stupid, uneducated, heartless, etc. I walked away to get coffee, fuming. Suddenly I realized, these girls are my friends. I expect people to accept me for being different, but how was I any better? I was being judgmental, self-righteous. I allowed a difference of opinion to create a fence between us where none had existed before.
I'm so tired of labels. I think we humans all have exactly the same things inside of each and every one of us. The other side has another side. And THAT side has another side. It's never ending, but the point is that each individual is so much more complex and multi-faceted than the two-dimensional sticker we try to stick on the box we've shoved her in. In the end, it doesn't matter what I think or what you think. We are all wrong and we are all right. I don't want to be liberal, conservative, democrat, republican, christian, pagan, anti-this or pro-that. I AM LOVE. Period. In a human body, which brings with it both wonderful and terrible things but we are all cut from the same cloth.
Of course today on my day off I couldn't sleep past 6 am. So I'm in an UP phase. It's cool, I was down long enough. Mercury is in retrograde, I just ended my period (which was late, as usual -- so I've come to the conclusion that I just have a longer than normal cycle), and the full moon is Friday. This is no time to make decisions.
Yet a guy at work has a thing for me and there's just no WAY that I could date a guy at work. Okay so I lie, because I did have a thing for Wiltmar back then, but we're not on the same team. THIS guy sits, literally, one foot away from me. We have the same supervisor. How awkward would that be? So I know it's a bad idea to even lead him on. But at this time, with my hormones doing whatever and my brain chemicals having a party, the full moon and goddess knows whatever else amping me up, I really struggle to restrain myself. My sexuality and impulsivity is clouding my better judgement. I haven't done anything yet and I know it would be a horrible idea because I already know going in that I'm coming back out, because I don't want to commit and I love being single and I don't want to stay in a relationship after the sparkle fades and they realize I AM, after all, human and imperfect.
Don't you love that initial phase? The honeymoon phase? All he can think of is you, and he can't get enough of you. He writes you poetry and dedicates songs to you and tells his friends how wonderful you are. In his eyes, you're an angel. I like to feel like an angel. But inevitably, reality sets in, the sparkle fades, the shine begins to dull. You're kicked unceremoniously off your pedestal and glared down on in contempt. How dare you not be the perfect goddess he imagined you to be. And now it's your fault, because you couldn't possibly live up to the idealized expectation he had for you. And he resents you. And now all you can do is drive yourself crazy inside wondering which girl he thinks is prettier or who he wishes he were with instead, wondering where that passion went and who he's directing it to now because you've become all but invisible except when he needs something. All you want is to be that angel again, and with increasing despondence you realize you never will be.
So you bounce. And you start the whole cycle all over again, hoping foolishly that this time it will last, while knowing at the same time that it won't.
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