WELL. See what I get for waiting so long to post? I have way too much to say. I'll try to keep it short.
First and foremost, today is Sienna's first birthday! I'm not sure how I expected to feel today. I hear that this time is hard for many birth moms, and to be sure I HAVE had those days. Today, though, wasn't one of them. Her parents posted some adorable pictures of her in our little private Facebook group and they really warmed my heart. I read somewhere that adoptees do not like to hear from their birth parents that they have no regrets. It makes them feel unwanted. I always say I have no regrets, and I never thought that could be taken in a negative way. All I mean by that is, I am sure that I made the right decision and, given the circumstances surrounding the situation, I do not wish I had chosen to parent her instead.
Do I wish the situation had been different, so that I COULD have parented her? Absolutely. Do I regret that the circumstances dictated that parenting her would have been devastatingly detrimental to both of us? Of course. But do I ever lie awake at night saying, gosh, I really made the wrong choice. If I had it to over again, I'd have made a different decision? No. Because all I have to do is remind myself of what her life would be like right now if I had chosen to raise her myself.
She'd have been brought home to a tentative transitional housing situation, with her mother not knowing where we'd be living 3 months down the road. Raised by a mother with a temp job and no benefits which could end at any time, leaving us both on unstable financial ground. She'd have been brought into the drama that was the "love triangle" between her cheating lying abusive father, her father's codependent wife, and a mother who could never have disconnected herself from the toxicity that dynamic carried with it. She'd have suffered the consequences of my certainly being beset with crippling depression and hopelessness. Sure, she'd have survived. We'd have all survived, we'd have made the best of things. She deserves, in my opinion, SO MUCH BETTER than the best I could have done. I want -- no, NEED -- for her to understand that as she gets older, if she struggles with feelings of rejection and abandonment. I wanted her, I loved her, still do and always will. But I wasn't willing to make her sacrifice so much just so I could have what I wanted. I always knew in my heart it was the right decision. I am proud of myself and thrilled with her family. We have both made so much out of what seemed so dismal. She will struggle at times and I will struggle at times, but not like we would have.
So, on that topic, Noe called me out of the blue the other day. CALLED ME. I have not heard that voice for eight months. I don't know how he got my number. To be honest, I was a bit shaken -- and I have had nightmares every night since. It's silly, I know he doesn't know where I live. It's all mental. I hated talking to him, because to be honest, for all the progress I've made over the past year -- I became the same exact person I was a year ago as soon as I heard his voice. I didn't like it. I'm not that girl anymore. But somehow that conversation seemed to erase a year and I regressed back to this person, this angry person, this powerless person, this sorry person. He wanted pictures of Sienna and I told him no. He told me to trust him and I found myself struggling for footing. Defensive. Wavering in my convictions. I found myself apologizing and excusing and trying to "smooth things over". I felt it inside me, like all I have done was for nothing. Like he had the power to just reduce me to the wilting flower I had always been when he blocked my sunshine.
Well FUCK THAT! As soon as I got off the phone, I texted him and told him to never contact me again. I had Brian block his number and vowed that I would NOT become entangled in the sort of mess which only leads one place, and it's no place I ever want to be again. NO. Go AWAY.
On a positive note, I went to a Shamanic journey last night. It was at Cedar Tree and it was so spur of the moment, but I have been trusting the Universe to guide me. I saw the post and felt called to go. It was a amazing, we cast a circle and the leader drummed while we went into a meditative state to journey to the spirit world. Since it was my first time, my intention was to meet my power animal. At first, I struggled. I had expectations and I was kind of trying to control the journey. I thought my spirit animal would surely be some kind of bird, and we'd fly majestically over the valley while I felt freedom rush through my veins. So I'm standing at the top of the mountain, looking at the lush valley below. I saw the forest, and the river. But I just KNEW I wasn't going down there. My bird was coming.
It didn't come. Frustrated, I just gave up and decided to surrender to whatever was going to happen. At first it was nothing. Then I started seeing swirling spirals. It became a swirling spiral whirlpool-like thing, right at my third eye. I could FEEL like I was swirling down into it. Then I felt the rushing feeling, like when you're speeding super fast down the highway and the lights are just whooshing by. It was the same adrenaline as if I had really been flying down the hill of a roller coaster. I thought, "I feel alive!" I got the message, "You need to do what makes you feel alive". Still, I expected my bird to show up and take me to dizzying heights. Didn't happen. All of a sudden, BAM, I'm eyeball to eyeball with a...wait...is that...a HORSE? What the...??? There must be some mistake here. My power animal can not be a horse -- I want to feel FREE!
I stroked the horse, so gentle and placid. At least she was sweet. I got on her back and suddenly we were running -- FLYING across this wide open expanse. It was exhilarating! Then, I got the message -- you can be free AND stay grounded. Oh, soooooo true. I loved it. It was medicine for my soul. So much more happened, but today I felt like a new person. I felt happy, and positive, and nothing could get me down. We were slammed with back to back calls at work, but every one was great. Whether they were disconnecting, or angry, or rude -- it didn't matter, because at the end of every call we were friends. NOTHING could get me down today. How wonderfully divine :)
S
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