The Cosmic Couple

Oh. My. Goddess.  Soooooooooo, seriously, today feels magical and amazing.  There’s a certain feeling you get when you find another piece to the puzzle, when one more thing magically comes together.  I may be making too much of this, and I probably am.  My mood is pretty elevated and sometimes when I am in this state of mind, life feels positively fantastical and I see profound hidden meaning in everything.  I recognize that it may or may not actually be there, but what’s the harm?  If I want to feel like Joth and I are the reincarnated embodiment of the cosmic couple, really does it matter if I’m wrong?  And anyway, much of what we experience and interpret on this earthly plane is purely symbolic.  If you get a little deeper into things, we’re all everything anyway.  However you may want to look at it, I do believe we have loved each other many times through many lifetimes.  That’s special enough for me.  Heck, even just THIS lifetime is special enough for me. 

Okay, so you’re probably wondering what I’m blathering on about.  You see, we ordered the rings this morning.  We were discussing the date for the wedding, because we wanted it to be a significant date like an equinox, sabbat, or esbat.  I suggested that we choose a date later in February than originally planned so we’ll have our tax refund by then – money to spend on our honeymoon or any last minute expenses.  So when I ran a Google search, I discovered that Maha Shivararti is on February 25.  Then, I checked to see if it might possibly fall on a Saturday – it DOES!  So THEN, I googled Maha Shivararti to see exactly what it is.  This is where it gets even better – it is a celebration of the day the god Shiva married the goddess Parvati, his Shakti.  Of course, when I presented that information to Joth, he balked at being likened to Shiva.  He believes that I am the destroyer, buuuuuuuuuuuuuut for one, Parvati was split into two halves by Brahma – the light side, and the dark side – Kali.  Kali is most definitely a destroyer.  I believe that fits a little better, because for one, I’m a Gemini (duh) and for two, I’m not always in “destroyer” mode.  Also, um, I haven’t actually destroyed anything – a pen, a coffee cup, or a shower rod.  Hmmm.  But, not naming any names, I do know someone who HAS. 

For THREE, Shiva isn’t JUST a destroyer.  His anger isn’t for nothing.  When he feels it is justified, his anger can be intimidating (ahem), but on the other side of the coin, he is ALSO the dancing god.  I did some research, and he’s actually the ONLY Hindu god who views his wife as an equal.  They argue a lot, but he treats her with respect.  I read that in India, girls pray to Shiva that they may have a husband like him.  A lot of what I read does describe Joth, and just aligning ourselves with these archetypes and formalizing our union for this lifetime on that day seems perfect, and feels right, to me. 

Okay so enough of that ooooey gooooey fluffy bunny weirdo stuff, huh?  I filled Tristan’s prescription yesterday, YEAH.  The boys both had a snow day – we got hit pretty hard.  I also stayed home from work due to the weather, and so did Tom.  We had a relaxing day at home.  We watched Hotel Transylvania 2 with the boys and relaxed while they played video games.  I helped a little bit with making a snow monster with Joth and Austin, but I only had one glove and my hand got very cold.  Tristan’s shoes have holes in them so he stayed inside.  I keep forgetting to get him new ones.

Today was day 12 of the yoga challenge, still going strong!  I have lost a little bit more weight, which has really ceased to be the motivating factor anymore.  I feel better.  I have been pretty consistently happy.  Joth has been cuddly, which I find is something that can make or break my day.  Okay, not break it – if I choose to have a bad attitude about something external, it isn’t the external thing’s fault.  For that matter, even the fact that good things have the power to influence my day may not be completely wise, because if they are taken away and my happiness is tied to them, so goes that as well.  I’m a work in progress.

Things are going pretty well since last weekend, which I didn’t go into much detail about.  We had a pretty big fight last Saturday, and we both know that it seems to be a pattern.  We seem to fight every weekend.  Scott was over and we spent SIX HOURS doing an intensive relationship therapy session with him.  I feel like we should take him out as a way of showing thanks – he had some very helpful things to say.  We really want this to work and we are really trying to communicate better.  We’re far from where we want to be, but I have hope.  Because as long as we both want to be there, we’ll find a way to get there.  I believe that.

222 Full Moon

I won’t be able to write a bunch right now since Tom just went to get hot water, but I at least wanted to start something.  The good news is that, a month late and 2 pregnancy tests later, I finally got my period.  I got it yesterday, right on the full moon.  A 2-22 full moon, at that!  These numbers are really speaking to me lately.  So relief, I am not pregnant – but Shyloh IS!!!  I am so excited to be able to spoil and snuggle a sweet little baby, but I’m a little worried for Shyloh.  I truly do not know if she realizes yet just how much her life is going to change.  It isn’t that I don’t believe in her, I totally do.  And I’m definitely there to help in any way I can.  I just know that having a baby and being a parent is something that no one can ever prepare you for.  Anyway, her baby will be about 3 months old by our wedding, and she says she still wants to come but I think we’ll have to sort of play it by ear.

Tom just left for an appointment and I am munching on some trail mix.  I’ve been doing so well!  Today was day 9, feeling fine.  It was a twisting detox practice, and I threw up afterwards.  I don’t think twisting is good when you’re on your period.  I also think trail mix always has too many raisins.

Everything started going well yesterday, kind of.  I got my period, Tristan had a great day, I found out that I can finally pick up his prescription because the insurance crap has been figured out – all good, overall.  Joth and I had a stupid argument which we both responded to quite differently; I by realizing it was stupid and deciding to just stop and be nice, and he by just shutting down and emotionally distancing himself from me.  We were both waiting for something – he for an apology, I for him to get over it.  I decided not to let it vex me and realized that I am responsible for my happiness, not him.  He is responsible for his happiness, not I.  Whatever he chooses to feel is well within his right and whether I agree with what he thinks or not is of no relevance.  So I decided to let him just handle things however he wanted and took a nice long hot shower while listening to music that made me happy. 

That’s the hardest thing for me – to not try to force someone to feel better, to not accept responsibility for how others choose to feel.  I hesitated before apologizing, because I thought to do so would be to accept full responsibility for everything and I’m not doing that.  Yes, I got irritated and no, I shouldn’t have to apologize every time I get irritated.  He also got irritated and I didn’t sit around pouting waiting for him to apologize.  It came to a point, though, where I decided that his happiness was more important than being right so I just gave him the stupid apology he wanted since it was so important.  Does that mean I think I should be sorry for having feelings?  No.  Does that mean I think he’s right?  Not at all.  But do I think I could ever win?  Hahahaha. 

If all goes as planned, I should get my tax refund tomorrow.  If it all goes to student loans, well that’s okay because it’s one less debt I have, all the better for my credit report.  Either way, we’re ordering our rings this week.  Also Joth is going to take the test he needs to take to be licensed to practice massage in Michigan. 

Mood wise, seriously for the past few days I have been ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE.  I did all the dishes Sunday, swept, cleaned the counters, and scooped the kitty litter.  I haven’t slept well, but it’s been sunny and a little warm and I’m loving it.  On one hand, I have a lot more to say but on the other hand, I have a lot of work to do so I suppose I should go for now.  Later!

FOR me, not TO me...

2-17-16

Oh my goddess, it’s like good morning, welcome to HELL.  Seriously, I’m so frustrated I just want to give up.  I’m trying to be positive and appreciate the lessons and opportunities available in this hard time, but there’s a little voice screaming that it just isn’t FAIR and I QUIT.  At first, it made me want to give up on Tristan.  Just dismiss him like some defective child who will never function properly.  I know that makes me sound like an awful mom, but I’m not going to sugarcoat anything or make this sound better than it is.  I am fallible, I make mistakes, and I can’t always maintain the proper perspective. 

But in that moment, when I found myself thinking that – seething with anger, offended by the huge sense of INJUSTICE that after everything I’VE done, this child still fails to do what millions of other kids with worse parents somehow manage to do every single day.  And then I realized, first of all, it isn’t about me.  He isn’t some science experiment that I created that doesn’t work the way it’s supposed to, he is a person, he is an individual, and I can’t control him.  What am I doing, feeling the impulse to reject him if he fails to live up to my expectations?  What kind of mother would I be?  I am supposed to love him, no matter what.  To be there for him and support him in good times and in difficult times.  I may not be able to fix it for him, he may not be able to fix it himself, but my love for him isn’t contingent on that.  We’re going to fight this fight together, and we may win or we may lose, but I’m not walking off this battlefield.  He needs to know that.

As far as what happened, well his behavior has definitely taken a downturn.  Here I was, proud and bragging about his miraculous turnaround.  Now I feel like I was duped.  I feel hopeless, like he can make no lasting positive changes.  Every week now, we’re getting a call from the school.  It’s getting old and I can’t figure out what else we can do.  I threatened military school, threatened to take away soccer.  The thing is, he isn’t actually old enough for military school and he said he doesn’t care about soccer.  It would be really good for him, though, and he enjoys it so I don’t want to take it away.  Aikido starts in 2 weeks.  Joth is working with him with CBT, his school is working with him and giving him extra breaks.  The bottom line is, none of us can do it FOR him.  And if he doesn’t want to, how can we make him? 

To add insult to injury, his insurance is a tangled mess, too.  The guardianship with Blair and Rachel was terminated LAST APRIL.  I gave her all the documentation she needed to take him off her insurance and she never did, so when I got him Medicaid, it was added as a secondary insurance since they saw he was on theirs.  I couldn’t remove him from theirs, so they had to keep billing Blair and Rachel’s first.  Well, 2 weeks ago when I went to get his meds, Medicaid wouldn’t cover any of it because his primary insurance was finally cancelled.  So, it should be straight Medicaid, but the old one has to be removed.  So, I called Medicaid and they submitted a ticket.  I called back today, the ticket was closed but the code wasn’t removed.  She submitted a complaint and gave me another number to call to have the other insurance removed.  They gave me ANOTHER number.  I was on hold with them when Endeavor (Tristan’s school) called me.  So, we’re supposed to do all this without meds for an indefinite time.  Sounds like a recipe for disaster.  It makes me tired.

I remember reading something, or watching some YouTube video or something, where they said to stop thinking about life as if it is happening TO you and realize that it is happening FOR you.  The universe is not some evil enemy, bursting into maniacal laughter behind the scenes every time we slip on the banana peels it maliciously tossed out for us.  This is a place to learn.  These experiences help us grow.  They are FOR us.  In the end, I have to believe, we will all be better for this experience.  I welcome it, in all its beautiful messy crazy confusing bittersweet complexity.

I was reading this article about nutrition, I think I mentioned it yesterday.  It had some interesting facts and tips for ADD.  First of all, the normal person without ADD has an average iron level of 44.  The average ADD person has 22.  I happen to be anemic, and the last time mine was checked, it was only 12.  I have iron supplements, and I read that something as simple as that can help as much as a stimulant for ADD.  Also, anything that makes the blood sugar spike and then crash is going to cause mood swings and behavior issues.  Fruits and natural sweeteners with lower GI are okay, pop tarts in the morning are not.  He needs protein, zinc, omega 3, and magnesium.  Coincidentally, hemp protein powder provides all of these things, so I’m going to get some to put in some oatmeal spirulina chia cookies that he can eat for breakfast.

2-18-16

Well it’s Thursday now but I’m going to add on and finish up.  I filed my taxes and am expecting a refund of just over 3k.  However, I didn’t file last year so I don’t know if the IRS will make me do that before releasing my refund.  Did I mention we’re going to Machu Picchu???  The deposit is only going to be like $700, then we can break the rest up into monthly payments since it isn’t due til 60 days before the trip.  We haven’t picked an exact wedding date yet, but since we’re not doing a Mardi Gras honeymoon, then closer to Imbolc for our fire festival would be best.  February 4, I think.  My dress is being made, rings are getting ordered either when I get paid next Friday or when I get my tax refund, and the deposit is getting put down on the honeymoon.  Next we need to book the venue and order Joth’s clothes. 

 

It’s all a little dizzying, but Joth has really pulled through with the planning.  He has surprised me with his organizational skills!  Who knew?!!  He even made a little binder with different category pages, budget, contacts, notes…thank goodness for him.  J  We were talking about everything one day and I started getting irritable because I was overwhelmed.  He told me to relax and I thought he wasn’t taking things seriously enough.  But then I looked at my phone at exactly 2:22 and it was 22 degrees.  I looked up Angel Numbers, and it basically means to relax and have a positive attitude.  It’s about cooperation and collaboration.  Since I let go, everything has been falling into place.  Score!

 

Okay I should go.  Oh yeah, I did yoga today, day 4 in a row of waking up and getting it done.  Also I’ve been eating well all week.  Well, minus the sweet bread.  Hey, a girl’s got to live a little!

Relapse

Shit, I don't even know what to write about.  It's not that there's a ton going on, but there are a lot of little things that I could take up a lot of time talking about.  I don't really think many of them are of particular importance, though, so I'll touch on the main ones and work back from there.

1) Rings.  I was getting really stressed out because the tritium ring guy wasn't getting back to us about the rings.  Also we had a little bit of a rough patch, but we got through it amazingly well.  More on that on another bullet point.  As far as the rings go, though, I heard back about them today and got a price.  As soon as I get my tax refund, we're ordering them!  Yeahhhhhhh.

2) Machu Picchu.  Speaking of my tax refund, another thing we are using it for is the deposit on our honeymoon.  We found surprisingly affordable honeymoon packages to Machu Picchu!  I mean, seriously.  We can stay there for 7 days, hotel included, for less than we would have spent to go to the retreat in Sedona for 3 days -- NOT including lodging.  Fuck yeah.  It's going to be so AWESOME!!!!

3) Borderline.  After our last argument, Joth did some research.  He really impressed me by demonstrating his interest in learning, problem solving, understanding.  He looked up some things and we talked on the phone and he suggested that I may not be bipolar after all.  For a bipolar person, rapid cycling means a week or two.  I cycle even more quickly than that, and I am triggered.  It has been suggested to me before (not by a professional), so it didn't come as a shock.  I had wondered the same thing before.  

I loved how positive and optimistic he was about it, though.  He said that the good news is that we can work with it, with CBT and DBT.  And he isn't going to pressure me to go back on meds, because they don't work anyway, and now he finally understands that (thank goodness).  He sent me some YouTube videos and I was actually extremely shocked at how every single bullet point applied to me exactly.  I feel like we are in this together, as a team, and our "us-ness" comes before ego.  I really love him a lot.  I am so grateful for him, words could never express.

4) Relapse/Yoga.  So, the bad news is that I've run back into the loving arms of sugar, bread, and caffeine with reckless abandon.  We went to the panadería the other day and I loaded up like 3 bags full of sweet bread to eat with coffee.  The good news, though, is that I have gotten up the last two mornings early to do yoga.  I'm doing another 30 day challenge.  Those seem to work well for me.  

5)  Lady stuff.  My period is way late or something, I'm totally off  track but I took a test and it was negative.  I feel like that cleanse knocked everything all out of balance.  I will probably get checked out when my insurance starts, and also I will get my teeth fixed.

Hmmm.  I felt more inspired before I started writing this, but while I was waiting for the virus scan to finish, I somehow lost my mojo.  I feel like I'm writing a status report or something.  I guess I should go, since there isn't really much else to talk about.  I'm going to schedule my annual visit with Sienna here pretty soon, her birthday is coming up.  Oh, it's in a week.  I guess I'll message her parents.  Adios!

 

I always thought it was a shame/That we have to play these games/I felt like you really knew me/Now I feel like you see through me…

I have had too much coffee.  The sun is shining and I’m in a manic/premenstrual sort of euphoria bordering on complete and total crazy.  As long as the environmental factors support peace, and I have been doing the best I can to control those factors (choosing happy music, focusing on positive thoughts, moving my body, etc), then this is wonderful and magical.  It is a bit volatile, though, and especially sensitive to disturbances.  Conflict, rain, TOM INTERRUPTING ME, etc…those things can throw me off balance and way off in the opposite direction. 

Look, I’m not saying that I am completely fine.  I recognize that I’m not, and I even recognize that maybe I would benefit from some outside intervention.  The thing is, though, depending on the way that information is presented to me, I may just dig my heels in stubbornly and refuse.  It’s not that I think I don’t need it.  It’s that, when someone looks down their nose at me from their pedestal of superiority, judging me, criticizing me, asking me if I know where my Risperdal is or condescendingly questioning when I plan to make an appointment now that I have insurance, I feel very resentful.  You know the saying that you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar, well I would be much more receptive to suggestions if they were presented to me compassionately and with love, rather than judgement.

One thing that I am noticing of particular importance, which I think holds the key to a lot of things we humans struggle with, is that my outside experience changes drastically in proportion to my inside experience.  This doesn’t mean that I am making things up, imagining them, or that they are all in my head.  What this DOES mean is that, say, the complete picture has a thousand pieces and I can only see 100 at a time.  If I am happy, and feeling balanced and nourished in all ways, the 100 pieces I choose to see are all of the good things – the way Joth is helping Tristan with CBT so he can deal with his emotions better, the way he hugged me when I burst into tears while watching the X files because Scully was having feelings about her adoption which struck a chord in me (especially since Sienna’s birthday is in like 2 weeks), his wonderful voice and his beautiful smile, his eyes and his tenderness.  When those are all the things I see, I think I am lucky, and we are blessed.

When my insides are all scrambled up and angsty, I see 100 different pieces.  I see the criticisms masked as jokes, so I can’t be upset but he still gets to cut me down.  I see the way my words are twisted to mean something I never meant, the way our history is rewritten to cast me as the demon, the way he minimizes his role in the conflict.  And yes, it reminds me of people who have hurt me badly.  I see the way he told me, emotionless, to stop crying because he was trying to drive and I remember Andrew telling me to stop crying so he could sleep.  And when I am already low, these memories cut me to the core. 

I think maybe I do suffer from black and white thinking, and in fact I asked him this morning how things went from perfect to awful in less than a week.  It’s not because they changed.  It’s that the total picture in its entirety is both beautiful and terrible, but our perception determines our experience.  I can’t deny that hormones do assist in the shifting of internal balance, and that things are seen in a different light.  It isn’t that I’m seeing things that aren’t there, though.  I’m just seeing the worst and forgetting the best.  And I know my hormones are WAAAAAAY out of whack. 

I just signed up for insurance through the marketplace, I got the Holistic Silver because it covers massage and acupuncture, plus generic prescriptions are only $5 and 2 doctor visits per year are completely free.  Plus, I got a dental add-on so I can finish getting my teeth fixed.  I figured, since my period was “late” every month, that I actually just have a long cycle.  I calculated it out to 35 days, which means that my period would have been due this past Saturday.  It’s still even past THAT, though, which is not normal.  I do believe I’m getting it, but everything I have read has suggested that if it is longer than 35 days that it is a hormonal issue, possibly cysts, PCOS, whatever.  I was talking to my mom about it and she said she has a lot of ovarian cysts and used to only get 2-3 periods per year.  Obviously she’s fine so it isn’t necessarily cause for concern, but if my hormones were regulated, maybe my moods would improve.

We adopted a snake!  Her name was Carlett, but we renamed her to Mayari.  It’s the Filipino goddess of the moon, as Artemis (our cat) is the Greek goddess of the moon.  I really like her, we’re going to get her some stuff tomorrow when I get paid so she can feel comfortable.  I finally started dropping that weird 20 pounds that I gained for no reason.  Okay, maybe it wasn’t no reason.  And maybe the cleanse and yoga are finally catching up to me.  Anyway, I’m down to about 133 from 145, so that’s really excellent.  I haven’t had time to make smoothies for the past few mornings, so I’ve been eating a lot of cereal at work.  I notice that my stomach is really growly (not hungry growly) and I have a lot of gas, so it may be that I am sensitive to dairy.  Well, I guess I should go for now, I might update later but I might not.  Ciao!

Wrestling with Pigs

He asks me how I feel, just so he can get offended by my answer and can then be justified in attacking me.  Knowing this, I choose instead to keep silent – thinking I outsmarted this dirty maneuver.  However now, even when silent, I have actually been snapped at with that seething, hateful voice, eyes of cold steel staring me down, actually storming out of the room because I was THINKING THOUGHTS AT HIM.  I’m not even making this up.  Nothing is safe.  If I don’t give him something to be upset about, he’ll invent something.  As in that case – the thoughts he believes I am thinking at him.  This is so insane, I can’t even. 

 

Or last night, I’m not sure what happened but I noticed his little nervousness creep in.  His movements become more erratic, an almost frantic look comes into his eyes, he acts cagey.  Like a nervous squirrel.  I only look out for these things so I can modify my approach accordingly – I don’t actually say, “I notice that you’re acting twitchy right now.  I just thought you should know.”  I mean, really, that serves no purpose other than to make him feel bad, and why would I want to do that?  So, I asked him if he wanted to watch a movie.  I was, at this point, still completely 100% myself.  We got into the bedroom and he surprised me by asking, “Are you okay?”  It threw me off guard.  I was just wondering that about HIM – but I was, still, totally okay. 

I chose that moment to let him know that it seemed like something was wrong with him.  I thought maybe he was imagining that he saw something in me because he himself felt out of balance.  It happens, there was no judgement.  We talked for a minute and then he said in kind of a rude tone, “Can I at LEAST get a HUG?”  He said it in a way that indicated that I should have known he needed a hug, I owed him a hug, and I was failing at delivering on what he was entitled to.  Or that I should have psychically just known he needed a hug, and failing in that, he was irritated at having to actually ASK. 

That’s when I made the mistake of becoming engaged.  I repeated back what he had said, in the way he had said it, incredulous.  He tried to reframe it and act like he had worded it differently and used a different tone.  Then he moved away from me and sat in the chair, saying nothing.  I also said nothing, because I knew that anything I said could and would be used against me.  Finally, I decided to leave the room.  I went out to the couch, took a nap, and woke up.  I noticed that while I had been sleeping, he had texted me letting me know that he was taking a shower. 

I texted him asking what time he was thinking about making dinner – he had specifically said on the way home that he wanted to make chicken nachos.  He had even stopped and picked up the tortilla chips for that purpose, so I wasn’t making assumptions that he was going to cook.  He had literally said that.  I planned on helping, of course – I just wanted to know what time.  Well, then he got all rude with me, it was bizarre and disorienting.  “I didn’t realize I had been volunteered for this”.  Uh, WHAT?  Then he said, “Dark Christine is back.” 

Excuse the fuck out of me.  There was no darkness, I had left the room in order to calm down – and, might I add, he had done the EXACT SAME THING the night before.  Then, I had the audacity to ask what time he wanted to make dinner.  Yup, I’m a real evil queen, huh?  So of course I got pissed off about that, who wouldn’t?  That’s when I accepted the poison.  UGHHHHHHHHH.  I so regret that.  I should KNOW to stay detached.  I should be stronger, wiser, more restrained.  In accusing me of being something that I was not, he effectively created that state in me.  It isn’t his fault, though.  I can’t blame him for my emotions, even though he definitely intended to stir those emotions up in me so that he could play the victim and feign shock and horror at my emotional instability.  It was my fault.  I sunk to his level.  I read something that said if you wrestle with pigs, you’ll always get dirty – and besides, they like it.  I am done wrestling with pigs.

Hope

Tom went to lunch, sooooo…I suppose I’ll update.  J  Today is a little bit better.  I went to bed still relatively early last night, but it was closer to ten, I believe.  I’m still a little tired, but I can feel.  Music has helped immensely – I always forget how powerful music is, until I accidentally hear a song I love and brighten up.  Yesterday, Medicine for the People was that little ray of joy for me.  Also, Joth has been so tender and loving and patient with me, which helps a lot too.  I was getting ready to post about how things were starting to turn around, and then I got a phone call from Joth that Tristan has to be picked up.  AGAIN.  This happened last Thursday, as well.

I am a little discouraged, but I still carry hope.  Why?  Because he had AWESOME days from last Thursday until now.  There are a couple of factors which we have identified – one, and probably the primary, is that Tristan doesn’t sleep well on Wednesday nights.  This has a huge impact on his behavior.  I can tell as soon as I wake him up in the morning if we are in for a rough day or not, and sure enough, I could see it in his eyes this morning.  Austin spends the night Wednesday nights, and Tristan fights sleep so he can stay up and play with him.  We’re going to set up Josh’s old room upstairs for Jewel anyway, so Tristan can sleep up there Wednesday nights too. 

Problem number two is that this is in gym class, where apparently several other students are having issues.  Joth and I met with Tristan’s teachers last week and they were talking about how the gym teacher just doesn’t really know Tristan or how to best interact with him.  Which is fine and everything, but Tristan can’t be coddled and catered to his whole life either.  He needs to learn to be responsible for his own behavior, whatever the circumstances.

I was really angry at first, but my anger doesn’t change anything.  If I yell and scream and threaten and curse, that won’t work either.  I’m going to stay calm and be very emotionless about the whole thing.  This was your action, these are the consequences.  He’s going to be ticked off, but better he learn this lesson now than grow up to think he’s someone who can break rules without consequence.  Also, Joth helped him a lot last week talking about different CBT techniques.  We just need to add in the meditation and possibly hypnosis so we can help him.  I only have him for another 9 years, after that, he’s going to need the tools to deal with these situations himself.

Last night, Joth’s mom took us out for sushi.  It was really nice, the kids were well behaved, and we all had a good time.  After that, we went and picked up Carlett (the snake).  We are changing her name, but it hasn’t been decided yet.  I was going to name her Sophia, but Tristan and Austin wanted to name her Athena, and Joth wanted to name her something Egyptian.  So we’re doing some searching.  Oh, Tom just came back.  More later.

I'm...too tired for this blog.

I don’t think coffee is going to be able to touch this, but I’m going to get some anyway.  This is so discouraging, considering how vibrant and alive I felt last week.  L  I didn’t even have the energy/motivation/desire to make a smoothie today, or yesterday.  I bet it would help, but the drive isn’t there.  I at least took a shower, but that was more because I wanted some alone time than anything else.  I find peace in the shower, where I don’t have to be anyone or answer to anyone or do anything or run every action through my mind before an approval committee in my head, run every sentence through a filter before it can be spoken.  All of that is exhausting and in the shower I’m free of all that.   

I fell asleep last night around 8:30 and I’m still exhausted.  It’s an unquenchable thirst, a fatigue that no amount of sleep can rectify and no amount of coffee can transcend.  Let me reiterate though, I am not sad.  I am not anything.  I’m too tired to be. 

I ordered my wedding dress and I want to talk about that, but I can’t right now.  I’m too tired to write this.  I’ll put a picture though.  More later, maybe.

Frostbite

First of all, I am in love.  I definitely believe Joth to be my twin flame and all of that, however it's been a year and a half and there's always some reason why I'm sexually unfulfilled, it always changes but it always comes down to me (of course).  That's fine, it can be my fault, let it be my fault.  The bottom line is, I've done everything I can and I'm still not satisfied.  This may come down to a fundamental incompatibility.  Some people may be okay with it; I'm not.  I talked to Joth about having an open relationship and he doesn't want to do it.  No matter what else we have going for us, how many other things are perfect (and I know they are), if our sex life is this dismal, I can't do it.

I don't understand how someone who loves you and claims to be attracted to you can lie next to you in bed all weekend and never feel an urge to make love to you.  I used to take it personally, but I know it's not me.  This has never happened to me before.  I get plenty of attention from males and females alike -- just, sadly, not from the only one I'm interested in.  So what do you do?  Spend your life miserable, unfulfilled?  My bitterness and resentment grows, and eventually it spills out like such toxic waste, corroding the other formerly perfect aspects of our relationship.  Everything works in conjunction.  Each area of our relationship feeds off the other.  If one is dysfunctional, it won't be long before the others follow suit, and in fact I see this happening now.

I don't think it's a coincidence that my wedding dress can't be ordered yet and I haven't heard back about the rings which I tried to order Sunday.  I think it would be wise for me to rethink this decision.  Could I spend the rest of my life like this?  I read that if you don't love someone exactly as they are in this very moment, you shouldn't be with them.  You shouldn't love someone for who you hope they could be someday.  And that's true.  It isn't fair to him for me to stay here in hopes that one day it will be what I want.  If it isn't now, I owe him the opportunity to be with someone else.

I haven't gotten my W2 yet from Charter, and I had planned to spend my tax refund on wedding stuff.  I should probably fix my car.  I should probably fix a lot of things, actually.  I should think about this a lot.  I know I'm PMSing now so every tiniest slight feels like a mortal wound.  I know that I am probably not as logical as I believe myself to be right now.  I even recognize that what I'm looking at may be something else entirely, and it's possible that I may not have the slightest clue.  I don't want t0 damage something precious, but I'm dying inside.  

Well anyway I have to make my smoothie and get ready for work, and get Tristan for school.  I'll write more later, at work probably.

PART 2

Well, Tom just went to lunch, so I guess I will add some stuff.  First of all, I am legitimately depressed right now.  Even if we aren’t talking about my mood, which has had a few okay points, it is physically undeniable.  I can barely make my fingers work to type.  Energy just isn’t flowing.  My brain is moving slowly.  I keep staring at my computer screen and can’t summon the energy necessary to do my job.  I took a nap yesterday and went to bed early, and by 5 am, I had had enough sleep.  However, I am still tired.  No amount of sleep can cure this fatigue.  I’m tired all the way to my soul. 

 

I’m not sorrowful depressed.  That kind of depressed I almost welcome, because I feel at least ALIVE.  Angsty, sure, but flowing with FEELING.  Right now, I feel indifferent.  Numb.  Apathetic.  Nothing sounds fun, nothing is interesting.  Don’t want to read, nothing appealing to watch, not interested in talking, don’t care about anything really.  I’m just existing, imprisoned by these restless emotions which cannot be satiated.  I am unsatisfied in general with life, but it comes from inside me, therefore no external changes can remedy this situation.  It is hopelessly dreary.  I’m just trying to get through it.  I feel anesthetized.  I want to wake up.  I want to find joy, or even pain.  I want to feel.

 

I’m listening to Pandora right now and Evanescence “Lithium” just came one.  Probably a coincidence.

 

Speaking of, I was looking for friends on Saturday because I felt horribly lonely.  Joth felt distant and I craved connection.  It occurred to me that Craigslist has a “strictly platonic” personals section, so I decided to check it.  Really, it was crazy.  Because the first ad I clicked on was….a guy with…an organic bee farm….!!!  It gets better.  He also makes natural skin care products with the beeswax, honey, and propolis.  And he sells hives – so right there, I found my mentor and supplier!  And hopefully a FRIEND!  How crazy is that???  Also, he is an energy healer.  But that’s probably coincidental too.  J  I’m sure I’ll be much more excited about this when the feeling returns.  Luckily, I’m rapid cycling.  Probably the only reason I’m still alive.