I'm always blogging in my head, thinking of the things I need to talk about, planning what I'm going to write. Why is it, then, that as soon as I sit down at my computer I have nothing to say? When I DO have something to say, it's never what I planned -- rendering this continuous internal narrative utterly useless. It persists anyway.
I don't know why this year feels different than last year. I could attribute the difference to any number of factors -- last year, I was eating so much better. I was doing yoga 6 days a week. I was watching dharma talks every week and reading spiritual books on a constant basis. Okay. But my son wasn't here, and it was a constant source of inconsolable agony. Also, I was lonely. Although I was lonely, I had finally reached a point where I knew that simply rushing into a relationship at the first opportunity was bound to bring more heartache than loneliness ever could. So I held out for when it would be right, for something that would be worth it. But I was still lonely.
So, was I really BETTER? I'm so much happier now, but so much less stable (emotionally). I'm a little frustrated. Was all of this still stirring beneath the surface? Did I only SEEM to be emotionally stable because I never interacted with anyone but my kids? Has this always been in there, but it was dormant due to lack of intimate human interaction? Can I have both? Can I be in love, and still be disciplined? Can I be dedicated to my practice and committed to my relationship? All this pointless wondering.
Over the past few months, since I've entered manic season, it's been a brutal roller coaster. I know that the symptoms all manifest in regard to my relationship, but that's only reflecting the conflict inside of ME. So for that, I am thankful. It feels bigger than me, though. Beyond my scope of control. Is this something I can ever conquer? Am I fated for either solitude and lonely peace, or dizzying highs and crushing lows rapidly alternating, picking me up and dropping me multiple times in the span of even one day, at the mercy of the whim of a sudden blink...sigh...instant elation or defeat.
This keeps happening and I'm so tired of it! I feel so powerless and it's HEART WRENCHING. I feel so connected, so in tune, so perfectly whole and in love and overjoyed with my abundance of good fortune and amazing romance. Then I will see something...think something...imagine something...remember something...the feeling right in my chest. Like I've been punched. The sick sense of unease. The dawning awareness that an illusion is shattering. The familiar despair of a beautiful dream coming to an end while the truth of a horrible reality washes over me. Pulsing in my chest and radiating out. There is no actual evidence or logical reason for me to think that the feeling of betrayal is justified. And nothing actually happened. But it feels so real.
And I'm not dumb. I know what paranoia is. And maybe this is that. I am so trapped! This is SO hell. There isn't even any permanent release, and what would I sacrifice for a temporary reprieve? My soul? My heart? My mind? How can you numb one sensation without dulling them all?
Well shit that's not what I intended to write about at all. Suck it up, buttercup. I'm sick of coming here to whine and cry. Seriously! It's summer! (Kind of. Doesn't feel like it though) It's GEMINI TIME -- I have ONE WEEK left of being 32. Do I want to start another year with this mindset? This outlook? This negativity? FUCK THAT. Seriously I feel like optimistic me just swooped in and kicked negative me right in the ass.
I'm just so sick of this shit. If you want to be happy, why the hell would you dwell on vapors of shadows of vague hypotheticals? Why would you expand on fear of events which would likely never occur? Why would you be paranoid about things which are probably NOT happening...and let's be honest, even if they ARE, does your worrying change that? No. In fact, to be BRUTALLY honest, if those things ARE happening, your only chance of affecting those circumstances in a positive way is by being absolutely wondrously fabulous. If you lead in with fear and worry, you've pretty much just put the nail in the coffin yourself.
Okay so what did I really want to talk about, now that I've wasted all this time arguing with myself. One week left of retrograde, thank goodness for that! A lot of truth DID come out, though. Truth about Andrew and Sarah (mostly Sarah) betraying me and starting the whole thing with CPS. I'm thankful for that, though, because now it's going to be out of the way and I have absolutely nothing to hide so it only benefits me as an opportunity to show everyone that I really AM a good mother. Let's just nip those doubts and suspicions right in the bud. Then there was the truth about the root of some of my issues that lead to my destruction of relationships, or entering into toxic relationships to begin with. That was valuable, and that was healing. I'm thankful for that.
Finally, there was the truth about who's been talking shit about me. I suspected that Bruce had been the one to text Joth, but I'm pretty sure I was wrong. One of my Facebook friends told me that some girl messaged him talking crap about me, saying I was a prostitute and whatever else. Well he totally had my back. I'm not even going to say anything hateful about her, either. I harbor no ill will toward her, or anyone. Even though she's trying to destroy my life. Because why would she? Isn't it sad that after 5 years, my former best friend would still expend the time and energy worrying about ME, putting all this effort in trying to mess up MY life? And why? How is my success hurting her? Why can she just not stand to see me doing good things with my life? It's not like I ever did anything to her. I just didn't want to be friends with her anymore because it was apparent that she has serious mental issues -- which she has just confirmed. So I feel sorry for her, and I release her from my life with nothing but love.
If she wants to bring it all out, go ahead. I'm not ashamed of who I was, I don't care who knows where I've been, because none of that has anything to do with who I am now. So let it out. Tell my mom, tell my grandma. Tell my neighbor and my former bus driver. Plaster posters around downtown, do a shoutout on the radio. There is no shame in my game. The way I see it, anyone who judges me based on the life I lived 5 years ago isn't anyone that I would want in my life anyway. So really, she's doing me a favor. This will separate the wheat from the chaff.
I am forever grateful for the beautiful shining souls who stand by my side and love me through it all, no matter what, unflinching in the face of the mud slung from the backyard of my past. These people are my heroes. I count Joth as my biggest hero among them all, because he continues to believe in me, he never though less of me, he doesn't give up on me, and he sees only the best in me. And for the first time, maybe because someone else does, I'm starting to believe maybe I could BE this awesome person he sees in me.
This was a very long entry and I didn't even do like an update with what's happening with CPS or work or what I did this weekend or the exciting things the future is bringing, or even the yoga I'm doing tonight or Paradigm Shift chat. I guess what needed to be said was said.
Well, you know what, I was going to blog. I was going to go on about how super awesome and happy I am, but then of course before I could even start I got super irritated and now I don't feel like blogging.
Whatever. Fuck it.
Oh, where do I even start? I haven't been depressed, at least not much. As soon as I started talking about how awesome my Mercury retrograde was going, things started going downhill. I can see, though, the gift in every challenge. The universe isn't some pesky little brother, annoying me just for fun. Nor have I fallen out of favor of some divine being, or being punished for some past mistakes. There is nothing out there which vindictively puts difficulty in my life because it enjoys watching me suffer, or because I'm such a horrible being that I deserve to suffer.
I was reading an Elizabeth Peru update (she's a really cool astrologer I follow on Facebook) and she was talking about how we can't just blame things on difficult astrology, especially when we are aware ahead of time that these astrological events are coming. I compare it to weather. Mercury retrograde is like a rainstorm, see.
If I read the weather report...astrology report/horoscope...and I see that a storm is coming/mercury is going retrograde...I can plan accordingly. If a storm is coming, and I plan a picnic, I am going to rained out. And sure, I can say, "THIS RAIN IS RUINING MY LIFE! See what I said about storms? I TOLD you. They ruin EVERYTHING. This is PROOF." Then your hair gets messed up, and maybe you left your car windows open so your seats are all wet, and you're so exasperated because everything is going wrong and you perceive it to be because of the rain. And everyone's on Facebook whining about the rain and how it ruins everything, comparing bad days, collectively blaming the rain for all of their misfortune...satisfied that it is a force entirely beyond their control, and they bear no responsibility for any of the things that happened.
We can plan for all kinds of weather. We can respond to all types of storms in a wide variety of ways. We can choose not to read or believe the weather reports and just take life as it comes. But how productive is it to ignore the lessons these events could be teaching us blaming the events themselves and absolving ourselves of any responsibility to change? Would we be happier if we just started keeping an umbrella in our trunk, checking the weather before we plan a picnic, rolling up our windows...or should we just keep crying about how much life hates us every time our plans get rained out? The choice is ours.
Well I went on a long time about nothing. What I was trying to get at was that yes, Mercury is retrograde. And yes, it DOES affect things. It affects things about as much as the physical weather affects things. But WE still choose how we respond. We can be happy in a rained out picnic just as much as we can celebrate life even when Mercury retrograde brings challenging situations our way.
So here's what's happening. First, I got the 11-8 shift even though I wasn't technically eligible to participate in the shift bid. Then, I was offered 8:30 to 5:30 until June 15 because we are short staffed in the morning. That's the biggest reason I haven't blogged lately. I'm loving it! Yes, I do need to go to bed earlier and I don't particularly LOVE waking up early. But, I do get to spend more time with the kids and that's what it's really all about, you know?
Speaking of the kids, I'm being investigated by CPS. I'm not even worried but I WAS kind of pissed. Sarah called them. Apparently they don't feel that this is a safe place for my children because Tristan acted out sexually at their house and the first conclusion they jumped to is that something MUST be happening at my house. There were straight up lies in there, though.
For example, one of the allegations was that Tristan had seen Joth and I having sex. WHAAAAAT? I can almost guarantee that never happened. I am too afraid of being walked in on, and I know that it's too difficult for me to be quiet so I don't take the risk. Plus, you know how kids are. Even if I COULD be quiet, they always seem to be able to sense when you're getting busy and choose that exact moment to interrupt you. We did do it once, but the kids were outside playing and I have blinds on my bedroom window so I don't know how that could have happened. I really don't think it did. Why wouldn't Tristan have said something to me? He's not shy or anything.
Anyway, I have him this week for the entire week and he was telling me about how Sarah had grabbed him by the neck and thrown him across the bedroom, and he hit his head on a plastic dresser. I don't know what to do. Also, she told Tristan that if his counselor talks about Cory (his friend who died) one more time, he's not coming over there anymore. And she said Tristan is 8 years old and that's too old to cry about his friend being dead, and he shouldn't be sad and he needs to just forget about him. WHAT? OUCH. And, I'm sorry, but where do YOU...with an 8th grade education...get off telling a trained, licensed counselor with a motherfucking DEGREE how a child should handle grief, and what he should and shouldn't discuss in his sessions? I'm just so appalled right now.
But if I said anything to anyone, it would just look like retribution. Like I'm pissed that they called CPS and I'm trying to get back at them by saying things about them. Not only that, but I don't WANT to involve CPS. We made an agreement that we would work TOGETHER, co-parent as a TEAM, communicate and keep Tristan's best interest as our common goal. I meant that. I believed that. So it was a giant slap in the face when CPS showed up at my door with these allegations. I felt so betrayed.
I really started getting so much anxiety after he left, though. I was fighting a panic attack and crazily texting Joth rapid fire disjointed anxious thoughts and he suggested I take a risperdal, which I did. It helped a lot. I have arrived at a point in my life where I've accepted that I may need to get back on bipolar medication. In a way, I feel like a failure, that if I were strong enough, I wouldn't NEED medication. And while it's true that with a lot of work and some radical change, and unwavering commitment, I have managed to reduce the length, intensity, and frequency of my episodes. They do still happen, though. Each time, I feel like they make another small dent in my relationships with my children and with Joth.
While they are all more than forgiving, do they deserve it? While they accept my apologies, do they erase the incident? I have said horrible things that I can never take back. Why change only if I think I would lose them if I didn't? Why not change because I love them and don't want to hurt them anymore? I have to be real with myself and recognize that I can't do it on my own, as much as I want to. So that's one phone call I'm making tomorrow.
The other is to my doctor, to get an IUD put in. I looked it up on my insurance website and found out that they are covered at 90%, which is awesome. They don't cover the ring, which you only have to think about once a month. They do cover the shot, but...no. I will get fat. I just tried the pill thing, and totally forgot to bring them to Joth's, and FORGOT that I forgot. I wouldn't be ovulating already, so it's not really a big deal. But it's not an exact science. Well, it COULD be, if I followed ALL of the rules like with temperature and position of your cervix and all that. Basically I just count two weeks from my period and that's fertility. So I don't take risks around that time. But, natural family planning can easily fail. If I have another baby, I want everything else in life to be better. I don't want to say "I want to be ready", because let's be honest, do you ever feel ready? I just want to be in a better place in life.
This past weekend was DIVINE. Oh my god, I just felt so loved. And I was really dreading it because, well. You know. Mercury. The astrology report had said that the truth would come out, things would come to light. So automatically I assumed that something hidden would come out, like something terrible that would destroy our relationship. Some betrayal, some lie. I braced myself for it. Worse, I EXPECTED it. I was completely blinded to the healing potential of things coming out.
We did a lot of talking. We put a lot of things together. And yes, things DID come out...on both sides, from both of us. We opened up to each other and bared our souls. He helped me figure out some profound things about the roots of some of my present issues...and they run deep. He honestly amazes me, so much. I can't even count the number of therapists/counselors/psychiatrists I have seen. It isn't their fault, because it takes a really long time for me to open up to someone. And how could they have made an accurate diagnosis, or come to any type of understanding about me, when they didn't know me at all? But, they never knew me at all. Not one of them. Sure, they knew enough about what I was saying and my description of the things I had done to figure out that I was bipolar. Good job. But where did this behavior come from, where did that fear originate? It's like Joth can look right into my soul, and look at the problem, and trace the tangled strings back throughout my history, weaving through emotions and thoughts and back through events colored with perceptions and just READ all of it...following it...back to exactly where it came from. He figured out things about me that I have lived my whole life without realizing.
I tried to explain to him how touched I was by his talent, how amazed I was by the chilling accuracy of his assessment. Truly, it was like he could see EVERYTHING. It's like I have these raging infections spreading all throughout my body, and he opened me up, finding each buried piece of shrapnel and gently pulling it out. Now I feel like I can heal. Now I feel like I can let go of so much of this pain, now that I understand it. All I've ever done is treat the symptoms, but they won't actually go away if you don't discover the root cause. I feel like a completely different person right now. I don't think he realizes just how much he's done for me. I can honestly say right now that he quite possibly saved my life.
I mean, even if I never decided again to throw it away or end it, what kind of life is it to live as a prisoner of your pain, tortured by fear? I thought I was broken. If Joth were anyone else, I'd have destroyed this relationship long ago just because of a fear of what could happen. I didn't want to. I didn't want to keep repeating the same cycles. I wanted to be happy, but I didn't know how to stop or why I was even doing any of it to begin with. I'm so grateful and I have tears just streaming down my face right now. I honestly love him so much. And we had an amazing weekend! "The truth will come out" doesn't always have to be a foreboding statement. In this case, it was a cause to rejoice. I feel so much freer now. For the first time, I have this glimmer of hope that maybe I will NOT destroy every relationship I touch. Maybe it isn't too late for me.
He gave me a tarot reading -- another thing he's amazingly talented at -- and his friend was sitting a few feet away from us, painting. We had these awesome, intelligent conversations. This is all so amazing. He's an awesome person, his friends are awesome people, and I don't feel like I have to pretend to be something I'm not when I'm there.
Although I still DO do the thing where I'm mentally kicking myself the next day as I remember how many times I interrupted or maybe talked too much, wondering if I talked about myself too much, or if in an attempt to relate if I appeared to be trying to take over the conversation. My conversational skills suck and I think a lot of people must think I'm rude. I just get so excited! But then I get so ashamed, and I avoid talking to people as much as possible. I can't control it and it makes me feel really bad about myself.
I know this is a super long entry, but I probably won't blog again for a while so it's okay. I went on this giant cleaning binge today, listening to Bob Marley and being happy. It's sunny and everything feels like it's going to be okay. I feel so wonderful and amazing and I just love everyone. I know I had more to talk about, but I'm hanging out with Tristan so I'm going to stop for now.
Happy new moon, loves! What seeds of intention should I plant THIS month? Well, dear Mercury retrogrades tomorrow. So maybe I should focus on intentions of clear communication. Honesty and kindness.
Honesty isn't usually an issue for me, except in the cases of perhaps too much. I read this Gemini sun/Sagittarius moon synopsis the other day which pretty much hit the nail right on the head. It said that we feel to not speak the truth would be inauthentic, but we need to learn that not EVERY truth needs to be spoken. I really struggle with that. And on the flip side, would I want to hear every true thought that popped up in the minds of others? Heavens, no!
If I ASK you a question, and you answer with a lie, well honestly you are a liar and I will never trust you and I have just lost all respect for you and we can forget about ever establishing any emotional bonds of intimacy because you are simply too risky for me to ever allow that. But if I didn't even ask, and you just volunteer unsolicited truths...like about how fat I look in this outfit, or how stupid that comment sounded, or how you think my sister is prettier than me...well, what's the purpose? I wouldn't find you any more honorable. So why do I think there's honor in it when I do it? Not that I'm that cruel, because I don't want to hurt anyone. But maybe not every single detail is relevant, and maybe sharing it all is unnecessary.
Okay so I'm totally sidetracked right now. God(dess) help me. I think Joth wants to break up with me but he's trying to push me to be the one to do it. I won't do it! But EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS YELLING RUN. Oooooh, I am so HURT and UPSET and ANGRY. I feel insignificant and rejected. He couldn't even apologize. He totally talked down to me, I could feel his energy, this cold condescension, and I didn't even know WHY. It HURT. I told him how I felt, trying to be open and genuine with him and open up a dialogue. Not only did he refuse to apologize, now he won't even talk to me. And for WHAT? So he hurt MY feelings and he's going to punish ME???? Where the FUCK is the sanity in that?
I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this. But I PROMISED. What good is there though to hold on to something that only I want? If he wants to go, maybe I should just let him go. There was the stupid argument yesterday, out of nowhere. I mean, I was so HAPPY. I was telling him how much I love him and how grateful I am for him. Then BAM, out of nowhere he blindsides me with this wet blanket reminding me of how much I hurt him. And yeah, I get it, but do we ever get to move on from this? Are we going to keep going back here, to this hurt place, to this bad place? Here I am, working on making things BETTER, moving ON, but you insist on dragging me back down to where they were bad. What do you hope to accomplish? How is this going to help us grow?
*WHOOOOO* Okay that was a few hours ago. That argument is over. It was INTENSE. It was exactly what I needed, though...exactly what I had asked for just MOMENTS before. At the beginning of my entry, I set the intention to communicate more clearly and kindly. Instantly, my intentions were challenged. How did I do? Well, not as well as I would have liked. I still have much room for growth.
But as far as a test of my commitment? I did NOT let go. I had all the same impulses, all the same fears, this desperation to run from the person I was arguing with as if he were the root of the conflict and to restore peace would be as simple as removing him. When we all know that the argument was not him. It was a gift, really. A gateway. A teaching moment, an opportunity to learn the traits I so desire to have. Clear, kind communication.
How do I cultivate these things if I don't know where I am failing in those areas? This fight brought that to light. Joth was candid with me in sharing feedback about some of the things I said. It was eye-opening to hear the way he had interpreted things, and heart-wrenching to know that their meaning had become so skewed that he would believe I was intentionally hurting him. To him, that was reality. And he also pointed out that he really has no way to know, because at times I have BEEN that spiteful vindictive person.
I blogged about that before. You know, when the "seether" takes over. Sometimes my intention IS to hurt -- WAS -- because I am hurting. But I have reflected on what good that was(n't) doing for our relationship and have worked exceptionally hard to maintain control. She still comes up. That hot rage, rising into my chest. That indignant ego, that scorned wrathful woman. The snarling lioness. And sure, maybe for a second I stumble, and I lose my footing. I'm still pretty sloppy and some things happen that shouldn't happen while I'm grappling to regain control.
But then I do. I remember that I'm in control. I'm writing this story, and I make these choices. And that if I don't want conflict, well damn it, it starts with ME. Here. NOW. I have had ENOUGH with fighting. Right now, I feel like subconsciously either the universe, or Joth, or my higher self is testing my resolve. And I'm not mad, because I totally deserve it. But I WILL NOT QUIT. I won't. I refuse.
So, strangely enough, I returned to my book and continued with the Skeleton Woman chapter. It's really eerie how much this aligns with my current situation. It talks about how love is staying, even when every cell in your body is screaming RUN. And I had typed almost that EXACT THING earlier up on this page before even reading that. I mean, yes, I read it last year but the wording was so close, it had to mean something. I am on the right track. I have found my "Bible". LOL
But anyway, love isn't just the tingles and butterflies. The walking hand in hand in a spring meadow while butterflies fly by and birds chirp merrily. Love is confronting what happens AFTER that. Love is taking it all, the good and the bad. The beautiful and the ugly. Showing up for the snuggles AND the arguments, the kissing and the pouting. I have never done that before because I have always become afraid of Skeleton Woman and run in terror every time I dragged her up from the murky depths. And I can't say it's that I'm more evolved now, or that I'm so wise and that's why I'm staying.
It's because for the first time, the pain of leaving would far surpass any pain that could be endured by staying. Sure, sometimes love is suffering. But this love is absolutely worth suffering for. And in the end, it helps also that the suffering doesn't come from Joth or even the relationship itself, but the things within myself that the relationship brings up. In that way, the conflict is a gift because it brings my attention to those parts of me that need to be healed, and Joth provides a safe, judgment free place where I can do that.
Shit. Well I already blogged today...okay, technically YESTERDAY but it's only 1:30 in the morning. I have a long road ahead of me before I can sleep but nothing is interesting to me. I'm not depressed! Obviously. If I had that issue, I wouldn't be able to get OUT of bed. Now I just can't get IN it. And whatever I do, as soon as I start, I want to do something else. There's nothing to do. The kids are both sleeping. I'd totally do some yoga right now if that weren't the case.
The thing is, if I don't go to sleep NOW, I'm not going to be able to wake up with them in the morning. Or if I do, I'll be grouchy. Or if I don't, I'll miss out on a bunch of time with them. If I start a movie, I decide I want to watch a different one. I can't focus on reading. All I do while I'm trying to sleep is think. Joth isn't answering. GAHHHHHHHHHHH maybe I should take some Risperdal.
It's been a long time since I felt this way. Oh, you know. About a YEAR. This entry isn't even going to make any sense. Why am I writing it? Oh, for something to do, I guess.
Oh, so the title. Well, I did the day 2 video of the Ashtanga series and it's jump throughs. I figured, well, I've been doing the half primary for over a year now. I should be advanced enough to try jump throughs now. After all, I can do a BUNCH of things now that I couldn't do a year ago. BUT, alas, no, I could not even BEGIN. It was very, ah, humbling. It reminded me that no matter how far I've come, I still have a far way to go. But that's okay. Every time we were setting up to try to do it, Kino would remind us to...release all attachment to completion of the pose, or something. Hang on. Ah, that was it. Release attachment to the results of your effort. Which made it totally less disheartening.
It wasn't about completing it, or succeeding at it, or accomplishing anything. It was about doing what you can from where you are. I did that. I did not fail. Had I "successfully" "completed" it, that doesn't necessarily mean I would have SUCCEEDED, either. What is success? Especially when it comes to yoga. Is success perfect execution of a posture? I would argue NO. It's the process. It's the things that come up DURING the process. It's what the process brings up in you, the things it helps you work through. The car is not the destination. Okay that makes sense to me but maybe not to you.
I'm just inserting paragraph breaks in random places. I don't really have any sense for where they actually belong, if anywhere. This whole thing is pretty much one nonsensical rambling sentence. So anyway, last year I couldn't even DREAM of getting into full lotus, and now I can. So, jump throughs are my focus for this year.
Oh, what else was I going to say. Oh, I went back and started re-reading old paragraphs in Women who Run With the Wolves. I have said before that that book is medicine, and it comes into your life when you need it most. Or you return to it when its wisdom would benefit you, and that time definitely happens to be now. The chapter about finding a mate, a wild man mate, and the next one about braving through the ugly parts of love are completely perfect right now. It resonates with me so much more deeply now that I'm in a relationship that I can see lasting a lifetime. Multiple lifetimes.
And I have to stop running. I have to stop looking for excuses to give up. I have to stop looking for loopholes or being ready with an escape plan. I know I said that before, but this is forever. Not just until it gets hard. I know it's scary, but it's worth the work, and it's worth the fear, and it's worth the uncertainty and tears and if it was a mountain it would be worth the climb. There comes a point in life where you have to just give it a real try. Be ALL in. See something through. And I'm not suggesting that I should have done that in past relationships, or that letting go isn't sometimes appropriate. But there's a difference in leaving because you know in your heart it isn't right, and leaving because you're afraid of being hurt or made a fool or played or lied to or rejected. If fear is driving the bus...well, let your heart grab that motherfucking wheel.
I saw things in a new perspective earlier, too. I promised myself that I wouldn't make any big decisions during Mercury retrograde. We had an argument earlier and because breaking up wasn't even on the table right now, I took a whole different approach to things and tried to come from a place of love. I think he could sense that I wasn't waiting for the first opportunity to cut and run, like usual. I mean, at first he assumed I was doing that, because that's what I always do. But I told him I'm not throwing anybody or anything away, we're just going to work through this. If I can do that now, because it's Mercury retrograde and I don't want to make any rash decisions, why can't I do that ALWAYS?
I solved a mystery of me earlier. I have always wondered why it was always right after a euphoric "love bubble" that things seem to suck so bad. It isn't because a love bubble is a harbinger of doom, or that "the higher they go the harder they fall" or that the universe is somehow punishing me for being happy, or anything sinister like that. I had an "A-ha!" moment when I was blogging earlier. It's because it's when I'm manic, and I'm so sensitive. It is that very sensitivity that breeds the "love bubble" to begin with. Some romantic thought takes off and inflates and grows to monster proportion because I'm sensitive and what was a little happy now becomes intensely elated. But, due to that same sensitivity, later on a tiny little insignificant thing that I may not normally even NOTICE will set me off. And things are not bad but they are TERRIBLE. Awful and horrible and then I become angry because I was SO HAPPY earlier and I am SO MISERABLE now and WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN. Well, now I know. Maybe this new understanding will help me be a better person.
Man, I just love my kids. They both fell asleep reading books earlier. Before bed, Tristan was reading me Shel Silverstein poems and it was an eerie feeling of coming full circle in a way. I thought back to when I was six years old, hearing my teacher read them to me. Now my own child is older than I was at that time, reading them to me. Shit, it's so fucking sweet. Juju fell asleep reading some science book. She's my little scientist :) I just adore those kids so much. I made sure to take a moment to be IN the moment and just stop and appreciate how happy I am, right now. How good life is, at this moment. This is something to hold on to during harder times.
Well, if I don't stop now, I'm never going to. It's 2 and I have no idea what I'm going to do. Oh yea! Risperdal! Let's give that a go. :)
Oh yeah oh yeah oh YEAH WAIT! One more thing. I saw these RINGS today, OMG THEY ARE SO COOL. I have been IN. LOVE. with charoite since I saw it over a year ago. I keep seeing it, and wanting to buy some, and meaning to get it ASAP. AND, purple and green are my favorite colors. AND, Joth and I are both silver people, not gold people. AND, we are totally yin and yang. Like for real. So CHECK THESE OUT. Well actually check them out at the top of the post. I'm going to use them as my picture. They are charoite and jade in titanium. Woooooooooo.
Okay NOW good night. GOOD NIGHT!
Again, I'm starting without a title or a picture. I don't want to spend too much time deliberating and then lose my motivation. So, I'm in a weird manic state. I wasn't even sure at first if that's what it was, because this happened also after I had Sienna and I thought it was postpartum depression. Juliea kept texting me to remind me to eat, and even still I couldn't force myself to.
I was on Zoloft, though (just in case, because of my history...and considering the circumstances, PPD was likely) and I think the Zoloft triggered mania. That's why people with bipolar are advised against taking antidepressants, because that's what usually happens. I remember when I took Prozac after I had Tristan, except that wasn't a PLEASANT mania in any way. I also lost my appetite then. That was more rage.
I think the circumstances dictate the way the energy will manifest. It's just like in the universe. There is no "good" energy or "bad" energy, it's all in intention. So mania is, in itself, neither positive nor negative. But if you are around irritating people or dealing with irritating things, it will present as irritation or anger. If you are surrounded by positive things and people, you may get the sparkly euphoric effect.
The difficulty is that also during mania, sensitivity is heightened. This makes one seem volatile. The slightest positive stimulus could send one reeling into ecstasy -- a simple smile, a mild compliment, a good song. But on the flip side, it only takes the tiniest negative provocation to send the pendulum forcefully speeding in the other direction. An expression of disapproval, a violent scene on TV, stubbing your toe on the couch.
So, I don't care to eat. It's extraordinarily difficult to explain, but I will try. It's not that I'm not hungry or that I don't WANT to eat. It's not even that I'm physically too busy to do it. I just can't force myself to organize my thoughts enough to direct them to accomplishing eating. Yesterday, I was on my lunch break. I didn't feel hungry, I didn't feel NOT hungry. But it was lunch and I had a couple dollars and I decided I should eat. I just stood in front of the cooler thing at work, staring at everything. I couldn't decide. None of the options were offputting, but none of them were appealing either. I decided it just didn't matter enough to try to make a decision. I do that a lot. I can't decide on what to eat, so I just give up and don't eat anything. That's the best I can describe it, but it really is a weird feeling. I wasn't even sure if it was a depressive trait or a manic trait.
So, new moon in Taurus on Sunday and Mercury retrograde on Monday...wooooooooooo. Hold on to your asses! Although we are in the retrograde shadow and I had the worst of expectations, things have actually been pretty awesome so far. I had a meeting with my supervisor and my numbers are still all above call center average, which surprised me. Over the past few weeks, I honestly just stopped giving a shit. I thought I was going to get that job in Battle Creek, plus Tristan was having his issues with the cops coming to school and everything, then there was the day I had a migraine and whatever else.
THEN...ready for this? I FOUND OUT THAT I GOT AN EARLIER SHIFT IN THE SHIFT BID!!!!!!!!!! If you have progressed past a verbal warning, you are not supposed to be eligible to participate in a mini bid. But I was desperate, and with all of the things happening with Tristan, I decided to at least try and let the chips fall where they may. I submitted the form and hoped for the best. Starting June 21, I will be working 11-8 with Fridays and Saturdays off! BOOya!
ALSO. Also also also. TRISTAN HAD A SUPER AWESOME WEEK!!!!!! All. Great. Days. Not ONE even a little bad. So, that's the good. The challenge? Well yes, there are challenges. I know that in the long run, these challenges will contribute to my growth. That doesn't make them FUN, though. CPS showed up at Sarah's house (and apparently to mine, too, but I had already left for work) in response to the police being called on Tristan 2 weeks ago. I'm sure it's standard protocol, police are mandated reporters and I'm sure CPS just wants to check things out. But when the detective had originally talked to Sarah, she had said also that Tristan had pulled his pants down in her daughters' room and exposed himself to them. So now, they feel that they need to get counseling for the girls and possibly for Tristan too.
Now, if CPS is going to be investigating, I'm very glad that I have the earlier shift and my license is not suspended so I have nothing to worry about. Also, I have always thought something happened to Tristan, just based on some of the things he has done. When he was in kindergarten, he hit a point where he started wetting the bed after not having done it, wetting his pants at school, regressive behavior, and acting out sexually when under stress (like exposing himself and touching peoples' butts). He would never talk about it. My brother tried talking to him, I had taken him to the CAC (Child Advocacy Center) for a forensic interview, but he has never shared any information about what did or didn't happen so I have no idea if my suspicions are founded or not.
So regardless, I do feel that this might help him get the counseling he needs. I'm just not very thrilled about CPS being up in my business again. It's not that I have anything to hide, I make a lot of money and I'm not on drugs and I don't even have a live-in boyfriend. But I just never can relax until these things are over. I feel on guard and uneasy. I'm trying to become comfortable with uncertainty and just flow with the process.
I'm trying to just flow with ALL of life right now. Just let go of my ideas about how things should be or what should happen, pay attention to the nudges and signs I get from the universe, and drop resistance. There is so much I can't control. Worrying about those things makes me feel like I'm DOING something about them, but I'm not. If anything, I'm contributing energy to the very things I don't want. Brilliant idea, right?
I don't know what's going to happen with moving. On one hand, the universe is giving me obvious and plentiful signs that there is something magical and special going on between Joth and I. Irrefutable proof that there is something with him that I have never had with anyone else.
But in the meantime, I get an earlier shift, work is going great, and I got a letter of acceptance from the GRDC (Grand Rapids Discovery Center) for Tristan. Oh, this school sounds AWESOME. Then again, if he went there, and I'm working til 8, and his dad lives out here...how would that work? Or, if we go to Battle Creek...well, no job has come up there yet. I'm just trying to sit tight and take things as they come. Nothing will be very clear until after June 11, which is the end of retrograde, and missing information will only be available THEN. So in the meantime, I should not make any important decisions.
But the synchronicity...it just can't be denied! I was watching a documentary called "Inner World Outer World" and as soon as I started it, Joth texted me that he was listening to an audiobook called Interworld. Then a few days later, I was driving home and it was sooooooooo dark. I labeled it in my mind as "oppressive darkness" and laughed at myself because I perceive the world as a writer. Then I decided I should write! Yes, it's not too late to write that book! Just then, a text popped up from Joth. He was telling me that he had just entered to win a write your own book kit. Now, this was out of left field. We had not been discussing it, our previous conversation had been about a song, and it was completely random. HOW???! I seriously almost lost it then.
I mean, it's COOL! SO cool. The kind of magical thing you always wish for, and think you would love to have. And I DO love it! But I can't explain it! It isn't logical! It's mysterious and unknown and a little scary, it shakes my ideas of reality, makes me feel uncertain about everything. It's so cool. But I must admit, it's a little scary. WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN????
5/10/15
Tracy Bonham, y'all. In case you WEREN'T one of the angsty teens locked up in her bedroom writing poetry and listening to Poe, Alanis, Sarah McLachlan, Paula Cole, Tori Amos, Natalie Merchant, Shawn Colvin, and assorted others. Anyway, I was. And in honor of Mother's Day, I am quoting an old favorite -- Mother, Mother. If you haven't heard it, I recommend giving it a listen!
Mood tracking. Welllllllllll I am DEPRESSED. I think I have been heading there for a while. As I survey my surroundings and notice that I haven't bothered to clean or do laundry for a while, I have to admit it. I had like this mixed state for a couple of days before the weekend where I didn't have the energy to do anything, but I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to get out of bed and was not motivated to accomplish a thing, but I kept trying to fall back asleep and was simply unable to. That's the WORST. What's the point in being awake if I don't feel like moving? Why can't I at least SLEEP, then???
I had a pretty nice weekend. Juju was here for a bit on Saturday, then Tristan and I headed down to Battle Creek. As of yesterday, I wasn't like LOW low. I just noticed that the meaning had left everything. Nothing really seemed to matter. I was looking around at the trees, and the lake, and the grass, and I thought...what's the point of any of it? I thought to myself, I could have a drink, I could smoke a cigarette, I could sing, I could talk, I could go somewhere...but what would any of it matter? Activities and things all just seemed one-dimensional and irrelevant. WHY. Normally, hearing a song or eating something that taste....
5/12/15
...RIIIIIIIIIIIIIP. Fast forward. I couldn't even finish that entry, I started it on the 10th, today is the 12th, and I am NOT depressed. At least I TRIED to blog during a low. That's further than I usually get. Anyway, I did think of this analogy though that I wanted to tack on to the previous post. I struggle to explain things clearly when I'm low. It's like my head is stuffed with cotton. So even though I WANT to describe how I feel, it's hard. I don't have the energy to look up words in my brain.
BUT, I was trying to say that everything in life that usually brings such joy felt all flat. Like all the same pointless thing. For example, if laid before you was a sumptuous buffet...turkey, cakes, pies, stuffing, mashed potatoes, fruit...normally you'd look at that buffet and your taste buds would be excited. You'd anticipate the pleasure that each flavor would bring to your mouth. What if, though, you knew that everything laid before you on the table was made out of styrofoam? What would it matter whether you had a piece of pineapple upside down cake, some jello, or a chicken leg? It would all taste the same. It would all lack flavor, it would all be the same dry boring texture. So you'd look at the spread and think...why would I even bother? It's all styrofoam. THAT'S what it feels like to be depressed. Do you want to know a secret? I don't necessarily think it's a mental illness. I think it's seeing beyond the illusion. It's the realization that none of these material things mean anything or have any substance. It's all just stuff.
THIS morning, though, I woke up at 8. Horny. (Sorry, TMI) I, um, took care of that...it took 10 seconds. I'm NOT exaggerating. TEN. SECONDS. Yup, I'm manic. I should have known yesterday that this was coming. Usually the paranoia/irritability comes at the END of a manic episode. Yesterday, I woke up from a coma-like nap with paranoid thoughts running through my brain. My subconscious trying to analyze every word anyone had ever spoken to me, examining statements for holes and contradictions, hunting for evidence of lies. This is so tiring for me. I notice that everywhere in life, as soon as I get happy or reach a goal, some part of me tries to drag me back down.
When I start to get really good at yoga, mysteriously I lose my motivation for like a month. Just long enough to have to start all over and go through the mediocre part again. Then, when I start to get good, I fall off again. In my relationship, it's always when things are really really REALLY good that my brain starts saying HEY! We need FEAR! You are not SUSPICIOUS enough! How DARE you be so happy???!! We need to fix this, asap. Cue....DRAMA! I'll admit it. I. create. drama. I hate it, but I can't deny that I DO create it. Well, it isn't ME, per se.
Honestly I DO feel like two distinct and completely DIFFERENT individuals in one body. So much so that one "me" will get so bent out of shape and ANGRY over something, but when "she" leaves and someone does that thing that pissed "her" off...then flinch, and profusely apologize, frantically trying to avoid the blowout...I think, come on, don't be silly! Why would I be mad about THAT? I'm not unreasonable! What are you so scared for? What kind of person do you think I am? I'm not like that at all! Being two people is for the birds. At least it keeps things interesting.
Right now, I am doing laundry and baking a chicken pot pie. I'm coming out to see Joth tonight just because. Well, also because I love him to death and I am so grateful for him and I owe him my LIFE. That man has the patience of a saint. I truly do admire him so much, I only wish there was some way I could be the kind of girl who deserves a guy like him.
OOOOOH I signed up for Gaiam TV and it's only like ten bucks a month and it is like DOCUMENTARY HEAVENNNNNNNN! I mean, EVERYTHING. Natural healing, wellness, nutrition, metaphysics, government coverups, ancient wisdom, meditation, spirituality, philosophy, AND YOGA CLASSES. OMG OMG OMG. THAT makes me SO HAPPY. So anyway, Kino Macgregor has an Ashtanga series on there and I started it yesterday. I think part of why I kept falling off the yoga wagon is that I was getting into a rut. Plus, we get lazy and adopt bad habits, so getting back to the foundation of Ashtanga and reinforcing proper alignment and drishti and transitions and all that will be good for me. And, I love Kino SO MUCH. She's so cheerful and bright and happy and bubbly, and such an inspiration. So I'm super excited to be recommitted to yoga. Again. Speaking of, it will be time to get on the mat in 10 minutes. Ciao, y'all!
I think it's probably smarter that I don't title things or choose pictures until I finish, because I never write about what I think I'm going to write about. Sooooooo I'm not sure where I left off. I went out to Joth's Monday night after work so I could stop to Spherion the next day. We had a lot of fun! We drank tequila in honor of Cinco de Mayo, sang some songs on Rock Band, talked a lot, and went to sleep at probably like 5 in the morning.
The next day I was a total weirdo though. It was rainy, which didn't help matters. I am so sensitive to the weather. Also, it was the day after heavy drinking (heavy for ME, which was probably like 6 shots IF that...but I rarely drink so I was smashed). I tend to be emotional and irrational the day after I drink, if not WHILE I am drinking. I had this whole time table planned in my head because I had to be to work at 10 and Spherion closes at 5. I had to adjust the agenda because I had not filled Tristan's prescriptions the day before, so I had to be to the pharmacy before it closed at 7. I was trying to keep all of these thoughts organized and it was like juggling eggs. I'm not very good at juggling anyway.
I started to become obsessed about how I didn't have time to do what I needed to do, so then I just froze up and didn't do anything. Joth was trying to help me. He pointed out kindly that all the time I had wasted complaining about how I didn't have enough time could have been used doing the things I didn't have time for, or something like that. Anyway it made sense but I couldn't see a way to move forward without everything being planned out to the minute. And then the bathtub filled up before I could wash my hair and I literally cried about it because I haaaaaaaaaaaaaate washing my hair in bath water. Hate hate hate HATE. Bath water feels dirty to me, just as lake water and pond water and ocean water do. When I take a bath at home, I take a shower AFTER the bath to get clean. This probably sounds weird coming from the girl who only washes her hair every 3 days. I can't explain my quirks. I never said they even made sense to ME.
Anyway, so I filled out the forms and we had lunch, then I dropped Joth back off and headed to the pharmacy. I was 4 minutes late so Tristan couldn't take his pill that night. The next day, his social worker called me because he had been choking himself and drawing pictures about his friend who had died. He had gone mute, like he does when he's stressed, and refused to talk. He was just drawing these pictures which seemed to indicate that he thought some evil creatures were at the trailer that had been burned down. Anyway, she said he had gotten himself together and seemed okay. I went to work.
On my first break, I saw a text from Andrew which made my heart sink. Something about the cops being called and Tristan probably being in handcuffs. WHAT. So I called Andrew and he told me that he had had to leave work to pick up Tristan from school because he had been restrained by a teacher, whom he then kicked and broke her fingers. The police had come and it was a huge giant mess. At that point, no one knew if she was going to press charges or what was going to happen. I don't know what to do from here.
I have, up to this point, had a backup plan for every backup plan. There's special ed, there's counseling, there's medication, there's changing his schedule so he doesn't have to wake up in the middle of the night. But now, I am in the land of no more plans. I am all out of solutions. Tristan never seemed this bad to me before. What the hell? To add insult to injury, Sarah acts all judgmental toward me about my parenting and has this laughable air of superiority, as if SHE has it all figured out. News flash, she DOESN'T! Her kids are HORRIBLE! I was there yesterday, and Bailey was hitting Payton, and she SLAPPED Bailey as she said, "Don't hit!" UmWHAT. Tell me how much fucking sense THAT makes!
I'm not saying I should be soft on Tristan or that he shouldn't have consequences for his behavior. But we as parents should be modeling the behavior we want our children to adopt. If we show them that we solve our problems with violence -- oh hey, guess how they are going to solve THEIR problems? HELLO. A lot of parents confuse fear with respect. We are trying to teach our children right from wrong in such a way that if no one is looking, they will do the right thing. And not out of fear of getting hurt if someone finds out. Sure, it may seem effective to parent with the threat of pain if a child messes up. But someday, they are going to grow up. What will happen when the threat is removed? When they no longer fear you? What incentive do they have NOW to make the right choices?
Fear is a shitty motivator, we see this in the Christian religion. Let's scare our sheeple into being good because if they don't, they'll burn for eternity in this imaginary fire. Does that create actual good people with caring hearts? I think we all know the answer.
So, the theme of the Scorpio full moon is all about mystery and darkness, facing the shadow, and no one is saying it's going to be easy. Couple THAT with the impending Mercury retrograde...didn't we just DO this????...and I'm a wee bit freaked out.
I am grateful in advance for all the transformation this will bring to my life. I'm going to show up and DO this, and in a way I'm excited. But in a way, I'm kind of dreading it. What's going to happen? What will break, and what will be renewed? What will be strengthened, and what will be discarded? Will I be refined, or will I just melt? Do I have the strength of character that it will take to withstand the coming tests, or will I crumble under their weight? Am I the warrior that some believe me to be, or have I always just been a clever impostor?
I'm a little disappointed in myself. Even though I came out of the low, I think, I still haven't rejoined the world. I have not participated in the yoga challenge OR the parenting boot camp. I flaked out on my hairdresser AND on the book club. Again. I am that pain in the ass person who always RSVPs "yes" because I really DO intend to go, but I never show up. I also no-showed the past life regression meditation even though I had paid 2 deposits. I need to get unstuck! I am accomplishing NOTHING!
Well, that's not exactly true. I did finish that interview with Spherion and sent the documents he needs to be printed, and I'll be faxing them today. I also made a plan for a different joint custody arrangement with Tristan so I will have him every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights at least until school ends. Also, I decided that out of the two positions I spoke with Darren about, it would be better if I focused on the one in Battle Creek. Rather than commuting, Joth said it would be okay if I stayed with him during the week since I don't have Tristan anyway. So there would be no reason for me to drive an hour there and an hour home every day, right?
Also, I've been putting a lot of psychic energy into parenting and girlfriending. New word. :) I was reading this poster about the cycle of abuse on one of the women's groups I belong to on Facebook. We are taught that people who do these things basically aren't even people. They deserve no love or compassion, only our contempt. They are irredeemable and worthless. That has never sat right with me. Sure, I have been in abusive relationships. And yes, I agree that to hurt another is absolutely wrong. But what chance does a person who engages in these behaviors have to change when the message is clear that there is no hope for them?
Sorry, I just lost my train of thought because I got distracted by the realization that I got removed from the group I THOUGHT I belonged to. I joined, there was supposed to be a February meeting and it was postponed until March, details never followed and I've been waiting. Sure, my schedule pretty much prohibits me from participating in ANYTHING. And when I DO RSVP to things, I hardly ever show up. I am unreliable and undependable. I know this. But I'm still so sad and feel rejected and unwanted.
How long did I do things with the sister circle but never really felt like I BELONGED? I think it was all in my head, though, honestly. I was looking through the overlay of past experience, the circles of girls on the playground that I always seemed to be on the outside of. Maybe they could have really liked me, maybe we could have been the best of friends. Even though for a while I did show up to every full moon and new moon, I never really opened up. I never really did connect. How can I feel sorry for myself now for being excluded from something I shut myself off from? It all makes me want to just start over, find a new group of friends, try again in another place. Another reason that I find it difficult to re-engage with these women is that they are a reminder of who I used to be.
They met me as the woman who was living in a shelter, pregnant with a married man's baby, without either of her children living with her. My entire life was a giant mistake. I can't help but feel like that's what they see whenever they look at me. That, even though my life has changed, they should feel sorry for me. I just want to forget about it all as much as possible, leave it behind me, be someone else. I can't do that if I'm still connected to the people who saw me at the very bottom.
Anyway, this isn't a pity party. This is a full moon, a time of releasing, and I release everything from the past. We were never all that close anyway. I'll start over. I'll move forward. I'll stop trying to resurrect things that are dead and build new things that fit better into my current life. There are other things from the past that seem determined to pop up, and while I was dismayed at the skeletons tumbling out of the closet, I couldn't have asked for a better partner to be here by my side when it happened. As I mentioned, Joth already knew about my past. Someone decided to take it upon themselves to attempt to break the news to him, probably thinking it would ruin our relationship. Shit, this was FIVE YEARS AGO. I feel really sorry for the lame ass loser who is still hung up on who I used to be. Anyway, he totally shrugged it off like it was nothing and our relationship is stronger than ever. I have no doubt in my mind that he's absolutely the one. As an added bonus, he introduced me to his friend who is a private investigator and we went over some details. You never can be too careful, I suppose.
The only part that freaked me out is that somehow this person not only found ME, but figured out who I was dating and somehow found his number. Who would go to all that trouble? Who would waste all that time? So anyway, understandably, we had to take precautions. I have a suspicion about who it is and I gave him all the information I have. It all kind of fits, too.
Of COURSE it was Bruce. He's the only one who used to read my old blog, he friend requested me on Facebook, and he used to give me all of these books about bipolar. HE was the one who sent those books to Brian's. Yes, he knew all of those last names of my exes -- just as now he knows who my current boyfriend is. He had suggested before that he thought I was narcissistic. It would make sense that HE would be the one to send the books. And now HE'S the one harassing my boyfriend. Just can't let it go. But I have to wonder...if I'm narcissistic, but YOU are still hung up on some working girl from 5 years ago, who's the crazy one?
