Forgive me, for this entry is going to be a little on the woo-woo side. I can't help it. Truly, some things just can't be explained. They can only be experienced. A skeptic at heart, I never take anyone's word for something until I see it with my own two eyes (or feel it with my own 7 chakras, whatever). So I won't be upset in the least if you think I'm inventing things. I used to think that when other people told me about such experiences, and honestly I still do when I hear about things that seem impossible to me.
So first, the Hamsa hand...another idea for a great tattoo, right? It's a good thing that I don't have unlimited money, otherwise I'd be covered in tattoos from head to toe right now. :) Where should I back up to? Well first, I'll back up to the last entry. Right AFTER I clicked "Publish", my phone rang. It was a job recruiter from Farmers Insurance, asking me if I could do a phone interview. We scheduled it for the next day, which was yesterday. I worked for Farmers 8 years ago. I was there for 3 years and I was #1 in my department (in metrics -- "numbers") when I left customer service.
When I started, I was married to Jewel's dad. It was one week before her first birthday that I officially started training. Things were fairly stable in my life at that point. I was always to work on time. I passed my licensing exam on the first attempt with flying colors. I was selected for special projects and special training and always got awards. Then...well, I still couldn't honestly tell you what really happened. There was nothing WRONG with Brian, there never had been. I didn't feel anything terribly negative toward him. I just didn't feel anything much toward him whatsoever. I thought he was a nice guy, he was definitely a good dad. My family liked him. He had a stable job and kept the house clean. I thought getting married, having that house in the suburbs with the SUV and a baby...any day now, life would feel perfect.
What happened then? Was it a manic episode, or did I suddenly awaken to the realization that I was stuck in a life of stagnation? That I was BORED, and it was never going to change? I'm not calling Brian boring. I just wanted...more from life. Not go to work, get out, pick up the baby from daycare, come home, eat dinner, sit in front of the TV for a while, go to bed, wake up and do it all over again. This was LIFE? This was what people waited their entire lives for? I entered into panic mode, I think. I was only 20 when I had Jewel, but I felt SO OLD. I felt older then than I do now! And Brian, while being caring and "safe" and stable and all...well, there just never were any sparks. We had nothing in common, which I thought was fine because "opposites attract". He doesn't read, he likes watching football, he is politically conservative, and he's a neat freak. So we couldn't have stimulating conversations. There was just nothing explosive about that relationship, so I went looking in other places for that spark my soul craved.
We'll cut to the chase because I have other things to talk about today. I became Juliea's girlfriend, which Brian didn't know about because then he would have wanted to be involved and I didn't want him to have anything to do with that. I felt something toward Juliea that I had never felt toward Brian. But, karma's a bitch, and it turned out that SHE felt nothing toward ME -- it was purely physical to her, and that kind of hurt. I wanted to feel that way again. I cheated on Brian, he found out, and he wanted to go to counseling. We went to counseling, but I knew we were doomed. I needed to have that feeling, and I knew that there was no way we could cultivate it in our relationship. It had never been there. It COULD never be there. So, I left and began a string of chaotic wild unhealthy relationships.
First was Tet, who was fun to be around and very sweet, but also dishonest. I kept catching him in pointless lies. He would make up these stories that no one believed just to make himself seem cool, and it was tiring. While I was dating him, I also started dating Shyloh (at the time her name was not Shyloh, she went by Jace). I broke up with Tet, Shyloh moved in, she wanted to get serious. I freaked out and got in touch with an ex, hooked up with him when he got out of jail and kicked her out. I was a horrible fucking psychopath at this time of my life. Anyway, when RJ and I got together, he introduced me to meth and I confessed this to Juliea, who forwarded the emails to Brian and he took me to court and got custody of Jewel. I don't blame him, but as messed up as my life was, I had never done drugs around her.
Anyway, RJ stopped paying attention to me. He didn't want to have sex anymore and he only called me when it was payday. I found out he was taking my car to go see the woman he was still married to, and spending my money on her. Also, he took my car to steal anhydrous from local farms to make meth with. One night while he was busy ignoring me, his friend Andrew told me I looked pretty in the dress I was wearing. That's all it took. For someone to pay attention to me. Andrew and I got together, shortly after that I got pregnant, and my entire life went down the drain. I could never get to work on time. I had no energy to focus on anything else in life because it was being siphoned away by this toxic relationship. There was ALWAYS something broken, something to worry about, some drama or unhappiness. There were lies, cheating, yelling. He wanted me to leave the car with him when I went to work, but he kept getting me to work late. I eventually lost my job.
Anyway, that was 8 years ago. Now, they are considering hiring me back. This would be PERFECT because if I work in Caledonia, I could move to Hastings. I would only be a half hour away from Joth. I would have a better schedule, so I could spend more time with my family. In order to try to manifest this, I decided to finally give meditation a try. I mean, I've done it before -- just chanting mantras, I don't just have malas to look cool or anything. But I looked up "mantra for manifestation" and found one, Hum Sa. I won't go into depth explaining it, but here's a link if you want to check it out:
Hum Sa meditation
Anyway, I did this for three minutes. Also, I took a piece of paper like I did when I was trying to manifest a soulmate. I made present tense statements, like I did with that one. (I am a Farmers employee. I am successful at my job. I have my own desk. I enjoy my job. My new shift at Farmers allows me to spend more time with my family.) And so on, and so on. Then, I drew the reiki symbols on it and folded it up. Then, I placed a candle on top of it which I anointed with Bergamot -- apparently, bergamot is good for abundance. Then, I lit the candle and let the energy go to work.
Last night, when I got to work, I was scheduled for a coaching with my supervisor. Oh, yeah, so I got a .49/hour raise. Yup. I'm not even lying. Now, that had nothing to do with what I was trying to manifest...but I think it's a clear message from the Universe. "I hear you. I'm working on it." I did the meditation again today.
Today it suddenly dawned on me that "Hum Sa" = Hamsa. Hence, the picture. Okay, I just clicked "Preview" and this entry is already way long. I had a bunch of other things to talk about, but they will have to wait. Til tomorrow!
No comments:
Post a Comment