Whyyyyyyyy did I schedule a job interview for today? Was I not THINKING? Hahaha. Right after I typed that, the song I was listening to went, "...annnnnnd breathe, JUST breathe...". Good advice. I don't know why I'm so nervous, anyway. It's not like my life depends on this or anything.
The thing is, though, it represents a shift. A beginning of a new life. I so want to leave my current job behind. I don't want to support the company I work for, I don't believe in the product, I don't agree with their business model, and it makes me so sick to be a cog in the machine of a greedy corporation. Sure, I earn a decent paycheck there. But it feels like dirty money. The CABLE company??? REALLY???!!
Not only that, but the schedule just doesn't work for me anymore. I never see Tristan, I have to pick him up in the middle night for daycare, and he still has issues at school even though he is now in the special ed room. I want to create an amazing home life for him, and it's hard to do that when I only see him in the morning. So this new job represents a fresh start. The first page in a new chapter. A catalyst for many positive changes to come. But, what will be will be. I also worry about the implications of TAKING the job.
Joth and I have been together 5 months. Things are going well, we are deeply committed to one another, and it's only natural that we are looking to take the next step soon. We live an hour apart as of right now. But, he works in Battle Creek, and I will be working in Grand Rapids. I checked this website to find a halfway point, and apparently that's like Kalamazoo. Which would be a 45 minute drive to work for each of us. *sigh* That means a 15 minute longer drive, more gas being used, but no commission to soften the blow of the cost. WHY am I trying to solve all of these problems NOW. I'm just stressing myself out. But, I don't want to take this job having never considered what it means in regards to the impact it will have on my life. IS it a good move? But, I'm on a written warning at work, which means that even when there IS a shift bid, I'll be automatically placed on the bottom of the list. I'll get the shift no one else wants. I just have to trust the process. I surrender. Everything will be just as it is meant to be -- it just makes me uncomfortable not having a sneak peek at how this is all going to play out.
Today, by the way, is Sienna's birthday. It's always such a bittersweet feeling. I say this every time. There's nothing new that I can add at this point, it's the same familiar mix of emotions. Grief, joy, pride (not the bad kind), admiration, sorrow, regret, acceptance, shame, love, guilt, happiness. It's not altogether bad. The hard part is that all of these emotions are activated at once, sloshing around inside of me like mismatched laundry in the machine on spin cycle. RedGreenBlueYellowGreenRedYellowBlue what am I feeling, I don't know, it keeps changing. I messaged Mike and Kelli to see if we can set up our annual meeting. I have a feeling that these will keep getting harder and harder. I don't even know if it's the best thing to do. What degree of openness is best in an adoption? Should we have more contact? Less? I just want to do everything right, perfectly. I don't want to mess anything up. More worry.
Okay, well I'm going to drink my coffee. Then I'm going to head to my interview. I'm going to ROCK this interview. The job is MIIIIIIIINE. And if not, that's okay too. :)
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