This picture is just random. I wasn't sure what image would best illustrate my theme, so I just chose a fairy. Because I like fairies. So anyway, it's been an interesting week!
Shortly after I got back home from Joth's, I clicked on this STUPID article on Elephant Journal. It took me by surprise a bit, because they're usually pretty positive and I can't imagine any purpose for vaguely instilling some doubt or fear for no good reason. I'm sure that wasn't the intention. But I clicked on this article called. Oh my gosh. I am forgetting now which letters in a title need to be capitalized! My English skills are slowly slipping away from me due to lack of use. Shit, I'll just capitalize them all. It was, "Two Ways To Know If He Is Cheating On You" or something like that. Anyway, sometimes I read those articles for no reason, because honestly I've never been suspicious of THAT. Those kind of articles, checklists, red flags -- they usually confirm what I already know, that my relationship is AWESOME.
But this one was some astrology article, talking about how if Neptune is in your 7th house or some other house (I don't remember the other one. 12th?) that you are likely to be in relationships where you are being deceived. So it said, without saying it, if Neptune is HERE, and if you think things are GOOD, it's only because it's an illusion and your gullible ass is falling for it. And if you KNOW things are bad, well that sucks for you anyway because that's your lot in life. I don't know how long Neptune stays where it is, but I think it's years. Maybe a lifetime. I never even knew about this before! So, of course, I checked my transits.
BAD. MOVE. So all of a sudden, I wondered. Are things ACTUALLY as good as I think they are? Or am I kidding myself? I think Joth's feelings were a little hurt when I told him about it. I think he took my worry as an indication that I don't trust him, which isn't really the case. I mean, there's a part of me that will always be wary of trusting ANY man. But that's just old stuff, nothing to do with him. He has as much of my trust as a person could have. But he handled it beautifully and we recovered, no major issues there. I do, however, have this weird undercurrent of discontent. Really, it started when I got out to his house.
I have not mentioned any of this to him but these feelings are rattling around inside my ribcage, desperate for release. This is why I blog. I need to talk about this, and I know it isn't anything that could be resolved through discussion. There's no point in bringing it up to him, because I don't even know where it's from. He hasn't done anything wrong. But something just FEELS wrong. It's not that I fear or suspect anything specific. It isn't even that I sense a disconnect. It's more complicated than that.
Anyway, it's been stressing me out a lot and...this is how I got the title...I just realized I just need to worry about myself. Whatever else will be, will be. Whatever else is, is. The only thing I have any control over is me. I walked into the break room the other day and Dr. Phil was on. As SOON as I stepped into the room, I heard him say, "What we fear, we create." That was powerful. If this feeling makes me fear that something is wrong, what will my fear do? Would I love less wholly, trust less completely? Would I become suspicious, bitter? Would I do things that I normally wouldn't do, because the stories in my head tell me that worse things have been done to me?
One time, I told Joth that I could understand why guys cheat or hire escorts. (I think this is another one of those things he completely misinterpreted, because I'm pretty sure he assumed that when I said I understand that I meant I condone. That is absolutely not the case.) Anyway, all that I meant is that I felt the feeling and understood how that feeling could lead to making a bad decision, if handled improperly. I felt rejected, and the automatic instinct when someone feels rejected is to seek approval. If you are outside in the cold, knocking on your lover's door, and they don't let you in...I can understand the impulse to seek warmth in someone else's house. That does NOT mean I think it's okay. We should not need external validation to begin with. The behavior of others should not dictate our own personal integrity. I do not cheat because I am not a cheater, and that does not vary depending on how others treat ME.
**Joth, if you are reading this, I would ask that you please stop right here. I just had to let some private things out, okay? No one who reads this knows me in real life.
So anyway, shit, I have to just let it out. I don't know how to handle this. I am an equal in this relationship, and I love that. I've never had a balanced relationship like this before. Every single thing is perfect. The thing is, though, having never been viewed as an equal before...having been mostly viewed by previous lovers as an object, property, whatever...I have never in my life had to chase anyone. This is bringing to the surface some deep hyprocrisy in me. I don't like this ugly part of myself. I'm all feminist, right? Equality!!! I reject gender roles!!! And in past relationships, didn't I hate the fact that my wishes were so often disrespected? That my territory was invaded with complete disregard for my willingness, or lack thereof?
Except now. I do not feel desired. And in the midst of this emotional tsunami where I question my appeal to my partner -- something I absolutely can not discuss with him -- then this thing happens at work. I know it's a test and I know I'm passing. I'm not going to do anything. But it really touches a sore spot. A couple of them, actually. Why can't I just be happy in this relationship, and let that be that? Why do I always have to have some kind of problem? Why can't I just be content with the millions of perfect, wonderful, amazing things? Why does it matter so much?
This guy at work, he's started flirting with me. He's being pretty aggressive, which actually makes me uncomfortable. I can't NOT be friendly, but I'm really getting anxiety. I made sure to sit far away from him yesterday, but then he started emailing me. Asking if I wanted to go out for a drink after work, and I said no. I had to get home and do yoga. Asking if I would teach him yoga. Can I be a half hour late to get Tristan from daycare. Can we go out during our lunch sometime. My heart is beating so fast right now just thinking about it, not in a good way. Like the fight or flight thing. And I HATE this. Except...I do feel desired. My ego likes it, especially as my ego feels insulted by the fact that my lover does NOT seem to desire me in this way.
This is where things might be dangerous for someone without integrity. And shit, I'm no better than anyone else. I'll be honest, if this had happened in the past...I'd have cheated. Not because I want this guy, because I absolutely don't. But because I would think it would make that hurting place feel better. The thing is, though, Joth is so important to me. There's nothing in this world that would make me do him wrong, or leave. I'm not leaving. But this is a real issue and I don't know how to fix it. Being pursued by this other person makes me realize how much I wish I felt this desired by the only person in the world I DO want. This entry makes no sense, I never intended to talk about all this. It just spilled out. On one hand, I shouldn't be writing about all this because he reads my blog sometimes. On the other hand, this is the one place I can let it all out. This is the only outlet for the thoughts that have no other.
I know you've probably noticed that I blog less now that I'm with Joth, and that's because I can talk to him about almost anything. This blog was therapy, and my relationship is even BETTER therapy. But this is such a delicate issue. He's recovering from trauma from his past relationship and I don't want him to feel like I'm unhappy with him. He hasn't done anything wrong. Maybe he just has a low sex drive. And I'm not going to BEG him. If he doesn't want to, why would I try to MAKE him want to? I don't want to have to convince someone to want me. Either you do, or you don't. But what happens if leaving is not an option and cheating is out of the question and this issue persists. What do I do? WHAT DO I DO?????????
No comments:
Post a Comment