I don't know what to title this yet, so I will wait until I've finished writing. I don't know what's going to come out, so that seems to be the best plan of action. Hmmm, let's see. I should start by recapping the week.
Rewind rewind rewind...what has happened? I can't even remember. That's odd. I did yoga twice. But the good news is, even if I have a not-so-hot week, I can start over every Sunday! Today is Sunday, and I'm going to aim again for a good week. If I fall short, maybe I can identify areas of weakness, employ strategies for improvement, then try again. In this way -- attempt, examine, refine, attempt -- it is all a learning process. I have to stop beating myself up every time I fail -- in yoga, in parenting, in my relationships, at work, in LIFE -- and see each mistake as an opportunity to learn and grow. I didn't come here to be perfect. I have to remember that.
What else did I learn this week? Well, I didn't drink any smoothies. It was an overall unhealthy week. Lots of sleeping. To be fair, though, the temperature was like 50 BELOW and that must activate some type of innate instinct to curl up into a warm little ball and assume hibernation mode. Self preservation!
Joth and I talked, and he was so understanding and non-judgmental that I wondered how I ever thought I couldn't talk to him about it. I was just so worried that he'd take it the wrong way, or think I was unhappy, or that he'd take it personally. He was so wonderful. He IS so wonderful. I completely recognized that it was kind of a no-win situation for him, you know? And because of that, I figured there was no point in discussing it. If he were to ask me, what should I change to make you happy in regards to this situation, what would you like me to do....there is no answer.
Besides, I didn't WANT to change HIM. I wanted to change the part of me that equated desire and passion with disrespectful boundary-crossing overtures. And the thing is, I already KNEW that if he employed THOSE tactics, I'd have been as unhappy as I had been when I had dated people who did that. I like that he respects me. I want him to continue to respect me. But my mind doesn't know yet how to interpret that as love. As discouraging as that may be for him, I so admire that he has continued to stay by my side, patient and supportive.
I became so MOTIVATED tonight! I made some coffee (with espresso ice cubes, tee hee), did some laundry, washed some dishes, took out the trash, wiped the counters, swept, and brought all the cans out to the car. I got Tristan some melatonin finally to help him sleep. The child is OUT. Score!! We had a great weekend, for the most part. I lost my temper with him yesterday, but I apologized and he apologized and the rest of the weekend went pretty well. I'm so excited for this new job.
I mentioned that, right? I have a job interview at the place April works! She gave me a recommendation and I interview Tuesday. There would be no commission, but I can live without that. Like I was telling Joth, my life was no different this year having made 40k than it was the previous year making only 28k. That's kind of sad, isn't it? It was less of a struggle, maybe. I didn't have to think so hard about my budget and I actually had money for groceries. Other than that, though? I was behind on rent every month and always out of money before my next paycheck, no matter what. There are deeper issues which need to be addressed and resolved, and until that happens, I could be making 100k a year and still living paycheck to paycheck. I know it.
I'm reading another book which Joth recommended, Snow Crash. It's really good so far! I meant to read more tonight, but I got into this cleaning frenzy and decided that was more of a priority. I'm really excited about life. I'm really optimistic and LIVE. I feel electrified. Infused with enthusiasm. This is the feeling I get when I realize I'm dreaming and decide to FLYYYYYYYYYYY. I can do anything. Life is just so sparkly, effervescent, ripe with possibility. But I know it is time for me to take some risks, move toward my destiny. Put myself out there and LIVE. I don't want to die with my song still in me. There are so many things I want to experience. So many exciting and fulfilling opportunities are coming my way, I can feel it. I intend to say YES!
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