Peaks and Valleys

Aloha!  I am sipping a Yin Yang mocha from the coffee shop down the street.  Nice name, right?  It's white chocolate and dark chocolate, harmoniously blended together.  I got an extra shot of espresso, too, because I knew I'd need the energy today.  I have Spanish rice simmering on the stove right now, and I was going to make churros also.  We're having a Mexican fiesta themed potluck for my team at work today.  Ultimately, I was too afraid to attempt to make churros because the last time I did (for Spanish class in high school) I started a fire on the stove.  Also, I had flan in the oven, and that spilled over and caught fire as well.  It was a bad day for me.  :)

Speaking of bad days, holy goddess, I have to tell you about Tuesday.  Ugh.  Maybe I shouldn't.  I was so excited, right?  PUMPED.  My relationship was great, I was interviewing for an awesome job -- it felt like life was really going my way.  Hahahaha.  Tuesday, as I believe I mentioned, was Sienna's birthday.  Her parents posted the CUTEST little video of her.  It was so adorable.  It touched my heart...and grabbed it, and squeezed it, and ripped it apart.  I mean, I am so glad to have seen it.  And I'd prefer openness over the agony of not-knowing any day.  But oh, woah, you just really have to be so strong sometimes.

I didn't realize that I was really that emotionally off-kilter.  In fact, Monday Joth had continued to ask me over and over again how I was, if I was okay.  It was confusing me.  Why shouldn't I be okay?  Why do you think I'm not?  Why do you keep checking in on me?  I was not cognizant of any disturbance in my energy field whatsoever.  We are very tuned in to the energy of one another, but I assumed he was getting a faulty reading.  I was fine.  I was okay.

Well, Tuesday suddenly I realized it was Sienna's birthday.  Joth got up early just to wish me luck on my interview, which was super awesome.  We were chatting on messenger and I kind of timidly put it out there...today is Sienna's birthday.  I realize I should have been more clear.  You see, the thing is, I have not felt okay about expressing any sadness, grief, or negativity surrounding this adoption to ANYONE.  My entire family was so supportive of Mike and Kelli, and outwardly demonstrative of their concern for Sienna's well-being.  It was almost like I was not allowed to be sad, because that would be selfish, how dare I rain on the happiness of this new family.  How dare I put a damper on the celebration.  I think that my family felt that it would be disloyal to Mike and Kelli if they acknowledged that it was hard for me.  If they made it okay for me to be sad.  I think they thought it would weaken their support for them if they also showed support for me.

So anyway, this became a private pain, something I could never really discuss with anyone.  It doesn't mean I feel like I made a bad decision.  It doesn't mean I regret it.  But, god damn it, it HURTS sometimes, and that's okay!!!  At least, it should be.  But I've never felt like it was okay.  If I love her, I should be happy for her, and never burden her with my grief.  I should just pretend it doesn't exist.  You know, I've done that my entire life.  Just bury the ugly feelings.  No one wants to see those.  Don't ruin a good time.  Stop being selfish and messing up everyone else's moods with you FEELINGS.  You're so dramatic.

ANNNNNNYWAYYYYYY, I mentioned it to Joth.  I don't know what I was expecting, except that part of me maybe was aching for someone to say, "That must be really hard for you.  Are you okay?"  or, "I know that must be difficult.  Everything's going to be all right.  I'm here for you."  Something like that.  I felt like I was holding this broken, bleeding piece of my heart out to him.  I just wanted him to kiss it and make it better.  He replied, "Ah.  I see."  I lost my shit.

I thought I was okay, I wasn't.  I couldn't stop crying, but I couldn't talk to him about it.  How dumb does THAT sound?  How would I even begin to have that conversation?  What could I say that wouldn't make me sound ridiculous and petty?  I decided I wasn't in a place to talk about it yet, and there was no good place that conversation could go.  So, I stuffed it back in, shoved it down, shut it up.  I went to my interview, which went horrible.  

The recruiter was very abrasive.  I like honesty -- GENTLE honesty -- but she was one of those brutal honesty people.  One of those people who believe themselves to be noble because they tell it like it is.  Straight up.  They think that makes them superior because of their honesty, but they fail to realize that the lack of kindness detracts from any nobility they thought they had.  BEFORE the interview even started, she told me that the only reason I was there was because April had recommended me, and outside of that she could see no good reason to hire me.  Okay, bitch, I make twice as much as what this stupid job pays anyway so don't talk to me like I'm not GOOD enough to take a pay cut to work for your company.  Shit.  Okay, that wasn't very zen.  Woooosaaaaaa.

I couldn't help it.  I burst into tears.  At that moment, I knew the interview may as well have been over.  I just wanted to leave.  But no, I still had to answer all of her stupid fucking questions!  Why???  What was the POINT?  It was such an exercise in futility.  So, I got done with the interview and it just added to my unhappy feelings.  I continued to stew about the morning, and now the afternoon was stacked right on top of it.  Still, though, I felt like I couldn't discuss the morning with Joth.  I couldn't keep it in, though.  So, I pulled a passive aggressive move and posted a poem that only Joth could see about how I felt.   I figured that way, if he wanted to discuss it, we could.  If he didn't, he could just pretend he never saw it and we'd pretend it never happened.  I could never have predicted  that he'd choose option 3, freak the fuck out and turn it into a two day emotional maelstrom.

I'm not even going to bring my energy down to put myself back in that place and recount for you the surreal horror that ensued.  There was no fixing it.  There was no making it right, no amount of gentle talk, apologizing, explaining.  He just went off the rails.  It felt like last month, right before we broke up.  Only this time, I had no relief for my frustration.  I promised I wouldn't leave.  I had no out.  Secretly, though, in that moment, I hoped he WOULD.  I just didn't know what else to do, and couldn't even handle this additional onslaught of negativity.  I was breaking down.  I was falling apart.  Sienna's birthday, then a bad interview, then THIS...it was all too much for me to bear.  It gets better, though.  

At the end of my shift, I got stuck on a call so I was out late.  Then, I realized I was running out of gas so I had to stop and get some.  Leaving the gas station, I forgot to turn my headlights on right away so I got pulled over.  Then, someone was behind me when I got to the road Tristan's daycare is on, so I passed the road.  I tried to turn around in someone else's driveway and got stuck.  I eventually got myself out and got Tristan.  I find out Wednesday morning that he had lied to me about having a good day and had left his folder on the bus on purpose so I wouldn't see the note from his teacher.

I lost my temper at HIM and said some things I wish I never said.  I basically said we had to put him in special ed because he couldn't keep his shit together in the regular classroom, and NOW he's in a classroom with kids who throw POOP and he STILL can't get his shit together.  I don't know what else to do.  It was a similar feeling to my relationship.  I tried everything I know to try, and none of it has worked, and now I'm at this dead end of I GIVE UP.  I don't know what lesson is to come of this.  Where I need to go from here.  I'm at a loss.

Things are turning around, though.  Today isn't so bad.  In fact, yesterday after I finally got coffee, my outlook on life drastically improved.  Life is a lot like surfing, and the waves can't just always crest without ever crashing.  You can't have the peaks without the valleys.  It's all a ride, and the "bad" in fact gives rise to the good, and without the contrast, there would be no waves.  As Joth always says, the trough IS the peak.  I mean, really, it's all just part of the same one thing.  They are interdependent and in fact don't even exist without the other.  I try to understand that, but there are times that it is certainly difficult.  Okay, well it's time to do yoga!  Hey, check out my rice.  I'm pretty proud :)