I had another rest. I feel invigorated, though. First of all, as a vata dosha, it is typical for me to go in bursts, with short periods of rest in between. Ideally, I would go go go at top speed, take a nap, and go some more. However, my schedule doesn't currently allow for that. In life, though, overall I am much the same way. I'll have a growing period -- ideas, action, goals, plans. Then a resting period. Introspection, evaluation, contemplation, recuperation. So although I'm a bit disappointed in myself for failing my sadhana, I have forgiven myself and am ready to start over.
I am just taking stock of the experience so I can assess what went wrong, notice what needs tweaking, observe what I could adjust next time in order to be more successful. And what is success, anyway? My first day on the yoga mat, was I unsuccessful because I couldn't get into full lotus? Were all the days that led up to that achievement failures? No, they were all PART of the success. Had I not gone through THOSE days, I never would have arrived at the day I could get into the pose. The successful attempt is not an isolated incident. It is a culmination of all the "failed" attempts that came before it. Just as the last step on a journey is not the only successful one, because you could not have arrived there if you had not taken all the previous steps.
As far as the growing/resting periods, I think they're both necessary. It's a push/pull. Yin/yang. Go go go...reflect reflect reflect. Push push push...heal heal heal. Do do do...think think think. Shout shout shout...whisper whisper whisper. You know?
It's okay that the fire died down to embers. We need those burning coals to roast our marshmallows over. Now, though, it's time to stoke it back up and get the blaze roaring. Hence, my picture, the agni fire. And anyway, today is the PERFECT day to restart my Ashtanga practice. No sadhana, no 30 day challenge, just a re-dedication to Ashtanga -- 6 days a week, Saturdays and moon days off. I've tried doing other things and really that's what works best for me. If I say I can take a different day off, it turns into 3. If I say I can do just sun salutations if I'm tired, I'll do just sun salutations 3 days in a row and finally become so disappointed in myself that I quit. So this is it.
And anyway, in home and family news, everything is pretty fantastic! I feel like something has changed between Joth and I, in a positive way, since we broke up. The situation allowed me to realize that no matter what happens, I really don't ever want to NOT be together. I have naturally shifted my approach to difficulty and tension in the relationship -- it used to be, "Oh no, something went wrong, this isn't going to work." I would obsess over all the "what-if's" to the point of making myself crazy. What if he's doing this, what if he's doing that. What if he's lying. What if he doesn't love me. What if he thinks I'm fat. What if he meets someone smarter/prettier/funnier/more interesting than I am. Etcetera etcetera.
Suddenly, though, as I dried myself off from a reflective shower and looked in the mirror, briefly thinking "What-if-he-"...I had a moment of clarity. I looked at myself and understood that it doesn't matter WHAT the answer to that question is, or to ANY of the questions. I already know I'm not leaving, so what's the point in worrying about any of it? If any of those things come to pass, we'll address them when we get there -- but setting up a list of escape clauses ahead of time is a waste of my time because I've realized there's nowhere to escape TO. I can't keep running away from the work I need to do. It will follow me wherever I go. Life has somehow led me to the exact person I could only have ever dreamed of meeting. Why would I throw that away because being in a relationship brings things to the surface that I need to work on? Do I think ignoring those things will make them go away? Do I think smashing the mirror that I see my flaws reflected in will erase them? How naive I've always been.
Tristan is doing GREAT! This is another success, another dream come true. I still can barely believe it actually happened, that he's actually living with me. I almost expect to wake up and realize it's been a dream. The whole thing seems too good to be true -- for the past 3ish years, it's like I've been looking at this HUGE mountain, knowing that there was no way I could EVER climb it. Suddenly, somehow, I've found myself at the top. And I have no idea how I got here, but it seems like it was way too easy. Mind-boggling. All the struggle over the past few years...it never got me anywhere. In fact, when I tried to struggle against the situation and fight back, it seemed like Blair and Rachel tightened their grip even more. It was like quicksand. The harder I fought to get out of it, the deeper I sank. Then suddenly I learned to just float, and relax. Really, though, it's a fucking miracle.
I'm so HAPPY, though! He only had one bad day in school so far, too. That day, I had yelled at him right before dropping him off for losing his mitten and hat. I knew he would have a bad day, because he's so sensitive. I was right. It's okay, though -- I learned from that. Now I can be an even BETTER mother, because I've identified something that causes problems, and now I can modify my approach.
I'm also doing great at work -- I got my numbers up and they're not in the red anymore, so I'm no longer in danger of disciplinary action. Mercury retrograde has been hard -- but it's the hard work that ACCOMPLISHES something. It hasn't all been for naught. It's been made of the challenges which have contributed to my growth, wisdom, and strength. It's not over yet, but I trust in the process.
Next weekend is Valentine's day, and Joth and I are going to do this acroyoga workshop. I am SO BEYOND EXCITED! Somebody, pinch me. Wait, no, don't! It's going to be great. I am so grateful to have a partner that I can enjoy things like this with -- yoga, and past life regression, and reiki and tarot and renaissance faires and reading and scary movies and getting super caffeinated and talking really fast about concepts that would cause most of my previous partners to yawn or stare blankly, and 90's music OH MY GOD 90's MUSIC...he....was....MADE for me. Or I for him. More likely, each for the other. We're a set, you know. We go together. Peanut butter is good, and jelly is good, but TOGETHER THEY ARE A PB&J -- and WHO doesn't love PB&J?????
Sorry. I'm a little hyper. The only caffeine I've had today was a butter coffee -- oh, yes, that is correct. 1 cup of coffee, 1 teaspoon of grassfed organic butter, 1 tablespoon of coconut oil, an eight of a teaspoon of vanilla, and a couple spoons full of organic cane sugar. Blended. Holy HANNAH it was amazing. That was another suggestion of Joth's, which I absolutely approve of. Also, the espresso ice cubes. Well, he suggested coffee ice cubes -- I just took it to the next level. AND, the "SAD" light. You know, one of those UV light bulbs for seasonal depression. I've known about them for years, and it was always one of those things that I said I should do but never got around to doing. I should have!!!!
Okay my brain is spinning too fast right now. I probably have nothing coherent left to say for the day. Adios!!!!
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